okay we all know it's one of the greatest rpgs of all time, certainly one of the best tactical rpgs, and it taught me more about class stratification than an entire social anthropology course during my junior year; but let's focus on the fact that this gem brought of some of the best bad translations ever, featuring iconic gibberish such as:
innocent: magic sword makes enemy disrespectful and not believe in god
"live, know, become a frog! frog!"
this's the way
and the absolutely timeless
L I T T L E M O N E Y

tldr version of below: if you're looking for good queer content, look elsewhere, or accept that you're comfortable scraping the bottom of the barrel

The game fails both as a dungeon crawler and a dating sim at this time. While the dungeon crawling mechanics are solid (if very simplistic) hack and slash fare, the very limited amount of variance in the disappointingly short procedurally generated levels in the two dungeons mean you will speed through them very quickly. Coupled with the fact that the limited amount of discoverable items currently available as rewards for these dungeon crawls means that the sole reason to delve into these two dungeons is simply to max out your next bond levels with your favorite romanceable weapons. Even this would probably be more forgivable if the romances were satisfying - they aren't.

Boyfriend Dungeon currently has three (3) male romance options, two (2) nonbinary, one (1, this game isn't called Girlfriend Dungeon for a reason) female, and a single cat that mercifully only has a friendship route available. Two additional romances have been teased as eventual Kickstarter-backed rewards that will be added at a later date, one male (an axe, currently appearing only as a cameo in the early stages of the game; also the only hypothetically romanceable character to feature a less 'conventionally attractive' physique if we remember that the cat is thankfully just your friend) and one female (a hammer, currently absent.) There's an attempt to inject deeper themes such as issues of fidelity, living with chronic mental illness, and coping with loss into the romances, of which there are six (6) scenes total for each potential Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Theyfriend. The problem is that these attempts to add more complex issues into each weapon's storyline does little to enhance them if each character amounts to little more than stock tropes.

The Glaive recently came out as nonbinary and is learning to embrace their identity! Cool, but what's the point of that if the writing for each of their scenes doesn't progress beyond 'this character is literally a child that doesn't know what basic food items are?' The Talwar attempts to reconcile a wildly polyamorous lifestyle with a desire to connect with people on a deeper, meaningful level, but what's point of that if his character can be reduced to 'promiscuous vampire' every time he appears on screen? Special shoutout to the Laser Saber and the Scythe, who are both dealing with their own versions of depression, and that of course justifies how incredibly rude they are to you. I dunno about you, but if I wanted to be negged for around $20 USD I'd just get a Tinder Gold subscription.

Much has been said about the quality and customizability of the combat (it's fantastic), but one of my favorite things about the Tactics Ogre is how even though the end results of your decisions might be virtually identical, the writing is elegant enough to obfuscate that into really feeling like player choice is important. Make a decision early on, and character X will leave you, disgusted by your actions; choose the opposite choice, and that same character leaves you - this time, revealing that no matter what choice you made, they'd disagree with it, because they hate your fucking guts. It may feel kind of dishonest, but frankly? That's consistent writing, and I respect it.

Anyway Canopus could split me open like a ripe, juicy coconut 🥥🥥