mintcake
12 reviews liked by mintcake
Final Fantasy XVI
2023
If Game of Thrones had less complexity, more kaiju battles, and half the show was season 8.
Super Mario 64
1996
i hate discussing this game with fans because they always move the goal posts. no, this isn't the first time i've played an older 3d game, and no, i don't dislike this game because i can't appreciate them. i greatly enjoy and love games like resident evil, tomb raider, crash bandicoot, and sonic adventure; those were all early 3D offerings that were rough around the edges. they had very thought-out mechanics with intentionality behind their level design and were consistently engaging to play. i cannot say the same about this game. super mario 64 is not fun for me play because i do not find the mechanics or level design engaging. additionally, the camera is atrocious and has aged poorly. there's also this weird pseudo-tank controls aspect that changes how mario moves without warning and killed me several times in the later levels like TTC and RR. movement is actively one of the worst parts of this game, which is the kiss of death for a platformer. i don't dislike this game for being old, i dislike this game for being bad.
i respect what it tries to do, and i think there is some level of admiration game devs of the time express for it that i understand. i get why this was such a groundbreaking game in some ways. but, i grew up in this era, and even as a kid, this game didn't connect with me. finally sitting down and playing it as a fully grown adult, i can understand and verbalize what it is that fucks me off from this. am i impressed with the attempt to focus so much on momentum as a platforming principle? yes. do i think this game hits the mark with that lofty goal? absolutely not. again, it's not that this game is old; i had this same exact feeling when it was still a new game. i do not enjoy super mario 64 not because it is dated, because dated things can still be enjoyed. i do not enjoy super mario 64 because i do not enjoy super mario 64.
1.5/5.0 feels harsh, but it's a combination of not enjoying my time with this game as well as resenting this game's legacy. i don't understand how this is still regularly discussed in contention for greatest game of all time. i hate how it's still seen as hipster and contrarian to say this game isn't the second coming of christ. and, most importantly, i am very tired of this idea that the games that we love cannot have flaws and cannot be criticized.
i respect what it tries to do, and i think there is some level of admiration game devs of the time express for it that i understand. i get why this was such a groundbreaking game in some ways. but, i grew up in this era, and even as a kid, this game didn't connect with me. finally sitting down and playing it as a fully grown adult, i can understand and verbalize what it is that fucks me off from this. am i impressed with the attempt to focus so much on momentum as a platforming principle? yes. do i think this game hits the mark with that lofty goal? absolutely not. again, it's not that this game is old; i had this same exact feeling when it was still a new game. i do not enjoy super mario 64 not because it is dated, because dated things can still be enjoyed. i do not enjoy super mario 64 because i do not enjoy super mario 64.
1.5/5.0 feels harsh, but it's a combination of not enjoying my time with this game as well as resenting this game's legacy. i don't understand how this is still regularly discussed in contention for greatest game of all time. i hate how it's still seen as hipster and contrarian to say this game isn't the second coming of christ. and, most importantly, i am very tired of this idea that the games that we love cannot have flaws and cannot be criticized.
Final Fantasy XVI
2023
Just utterly embarrassing.
Final Fantasy 16 at its core is a solid action game that tries to rival Asura's Wrath in terms of spectacle, Devil May Cry 5 in terms of style and Stranger of Paradise with its customizability. Yet at the end of the day it fails to surpass any of them and ends up being a poor imitation.
It's a game that's way more invested in being an MMO than an action game as most of your playtime will be wasted on doing meaningless fetch quests and any meaningful side content is drowned out with a whole swarm of awful side missions.
It's such a massive shame too, because this game had every opportunity to be phenomenal (if we ignore the blatant sexism).
Final Fantasy 16 at its core is a solid action game that tries to rival Asura's Wrath in terms of spectacle, Devil May Cry 5 in terms of style and Stranger of Paradise with its customizability. Yet at the end of the day it fails to surpass any of them and ends up being a poor imitation.
It's a game that's way more invested in being an MMO than an action game as most of your playtime will be wasted on doing meaningless fetch quests and any meaningful side content is drowned out with a whole swarm of awful side missions.
It's such a massive shame too, because this game had every opportunity to be phenomenal (if we ignore the blatant sexism).
I hope that Elaine has the happiest life or I will personally assault Falcom
Pokémon Sleep
2023
Bedroom fire hazard skinner box with no perceivable benefits to your sleep routine, borderline data scraping tool. One of the worst projects Nintendo has put out in years, honestly. Imagine the inept out-of-touch gimmicks of their Wii U era shenanigans mixed with their morally-depraved Switch era anti-consumerism.
Final Fantasy XVI
2023
This review contains spoilers
a genuinely embarrassing effort
high graphical fidelity in service of a game with no nearly no art direction, a handful of decent character designs in a game with maybe two likable characters, music that soken i guess forgot to compose because nearly 90% of the soundtrack is “prelude but fucked up” and two battle themes that outstay their welcome 15 hours into this 60 hour game, incredibly uninteresting and poorly written sidequests, and a deeply terrible handling of women throughout the entire game.
-
the slavery plot is atrocious and stupidly handled, but the ur-jrpg-story that replaces it isnt good, its just not as bad. the pacing of the story is also a complete mess, grinding to a halt regularly, and dumping hours of sidequests on you at random points.
every open area of the game is a complete void, with dead ends for sidequest battles and pick up points for unneeded crafting material and 2 gil at a time. even though every settlement looks identical, the open areas look decent enough, but are covered in cloudy skies or ugly pink light for most of the games runtime.
the npcs are so bland you’ll be baffled the entire game how the game is written as if you like any of these people, and by the time the game introduces its single decent character, he’s only around for probably 90 minutes of it.
many things could be said about the women of this game, from ridiculous hysterical caricatures, to ridiculous evil mother, to good wholesome mother, but the most offensive to me was the main “love interest”, who can’t even clear the final fantasy iv bar, and when she is told to remove herself from the plot she simply does. she will pray for the boys going to battle and cry when they perish.
my sole point of praise is the combat, which is fairly simple for most fights (even optional ones, as those are nearly always enemies you’re already familiar with) but almost always satisfying, even against waves of fodder. the summon boss fights are mostly fun too, the spectacle clearly the main focus of the game (to the detriment of the rest, clearly), but it usually hit for me. the titan fight is probably twice as long as it should’ve been but i liked the rest well enough.
less important than the rest but still worth mentioning, the gear in this game may as well be nonexistent. clive has about four stats and none of them really matter, but the game feels obligated to have gear and swords for you to pick up and craft, so every five minutes you have a new sword, before you even register what your current one looks like. as the only visual change you can make to clive, this is somewhat of a bummer (even if none of the swords look all that good), and it leads to regular moments where you’ll find a sword in a chest somewhere, do a sidequest chain, and then have a new better sword, maybe before you’ve even swung your current sword. there isn’t even a glamour function for it, despite the mmo fingerprints everywhere in this game.
all in all, the game just failed to work for me on nearly every level, it didn’t even feel like playing a final fantasy. playing this game really put the ff series into perspective to me, and i can only hope they never make one at all like this again.
high graphical fidelity in service of a game with no nearly no art direction, a handful of decent character designs in a game with maybe two likable characters, music that soken i guess forgot to compose because nearly 90% of the soundtrack is “prelude but fucked up” and two battle themes that outstay their welcome 15 hours into this 60 hour game, incredibly uninteresting and poorly written sidequests, and a deeply terrible handling of women throughout the entire game.
-
the slavery plot is atrocious and stupidly handled, but the ur-jrpg-story that replaces it isnt good, its just not as bad. the pacing of the story is also a complete mess, grinding to a halt regularly, and dumping hours of sidequests on you at random points.
every open area of the game is a complete void, with dead ends for sidequest battles and pick up points for unneeded crafting material and 2 gil at a time. even though every settlement looks identical, the open areas look decent enough, but are covered in cloudy skies or ugly pink light for most of the games runtime.
the npcs are so bland you’ll be baffled the entire game how the game is written as if you like any of these people, and by the time the game introduces its single decent character, he’s only around for probably 90 minutes of it.
many things could be said about the women of this game, from ridiculous hysterical caricatures, to ridiculous evil mother, to good wholesome mother, but the most offensive to me was the main “love interest”, who can’t even clear the final fantasy iv bar, and when she is told to remove herself from the plot she simply does. she will pray for the boys going to battle and cry when they perish.
my sole point of praise is the combat, which is fairly simple for most fights (even optional ones, as those are nearly always enemies you’re already familiar with) but almost always satisfying, even against waves of fodder. the summon boss fights are mostly fun too, the spectacle clearly the main focus of the game (to the detriment of the rest, clearly), but it usually hit for me. the titan fight is probably twice as long as it should’ve been but i liked the rest well enough.
less important than the rest but still worth mentioning, the gear in this game may as well be nonexistent. clive has about four stats and none of them really matter, but the game feels obligated to have gear and swords for you to pick up and craft, so every five minutes you have a new sword, before you even register what your current one looks like. as the only visual change you can make to clive, this is somewhat of a bummer (even if none of the swords look all that good), and it leads to regular moments where you’ll find a sword in a chest somewhere, do a sidequest chain, and then have a new better sword, maybe before you’ve even swung your current sword. there isn’t even a glamour function for it, despite the mmo fingerprints everywhere in this game.
all in all, the game just failed to work for me on nearly every level, it didn’t even feel like playing a final fantasy. playing this game really put the ff series into perspective to me, and i can only hope they never make one at all like this again.
Dumb person's idea of a smart game.
Final Fantasy XVI
2023
This game wishes it was as good as Stranger of Paradise
more like everybody went to sleep
Clannad
2004
boring af