proximete
1998
it's got a wonderful art style and aesthetic, the music and sound design is superb, the voice acting is great, and the writing/dialogue/story are all pretty damn good (good, but not quite great). by all means, it's an evolution of what metal gear on the msx was.
it's just a shame that the gameplay is horrific. frustrating level design, annoying forced combat sections, boss fights that range from "hey, pretty cool!" to "jesus fuck this is nails in my hands" all culminate in an experience that's just not very fun to play through at all. there are moments of brilliance in its gameplay--there is a cat-and-mouse bossfight that utilizes enemy pathing, the radar, and the player's own explosive tools and it is easily the highlight of the game. there are certain parts where it feels quite slick to slide by enemies and dip in and out of cover. but this is overshadowed by ridiculousness in difficulty and repetition that plagues the whole experience.
it's not very long, and it is worth playing. but it'll be for its storytelling versus its gameplay.
it's just a shame that the gameplay is horrific. frustrating level design, annoying forced combat sections, boss fights that range from "hey, pretty cool!" to "jesus fuck this is nails in my hands" all culminate in an experience that's just not very fun to play through at all. there are moments of brilliance in its gameplay--there is a cat-and-mouse bossfight that utilizes enemy pathing, the radar, and the player's own explosive tools and it is easily the highlight of the game. there are certain parts where it feels quite slick to slide by enemies and dip in and out of cover. but this is overshadowed by ridiculousness in difficulty and repetition that plagues the whole experience.
it's not very long, and it is worth playing. but it'll be for its storytelling versus its gameplay.
2005
This review contains spoilers
surprisingly ambitious, what with its fully animated scenes that render the whole thing less a visual novel and more an interactive season of anime, school days is a surprising product. while the idea of a vn looking completely like an anime theoretically sounds cool, the end result is the player has to sit through hundreds of scenes all using the same 3 or 4 faces/poses each character has (much like an actual vn, but far less appealing here). it gets old real quick and, because the game is presented like an anime, you can't just mash through dialogue as you read it, either, so you're just stuck with these boring 2d cutouts you've seen a million times. in this sense, you become desperate for the actual bite sized scenes where there is a modicum of animated effort on display, where a character does more than stare awkwardly while flapping their gums to "uhhh" and "umm"s.
the writing is pretty bad. the main character is a spineless, gutless scumbag, but i hesitate to call him a lovable one because there's virtually no personality to him. the player receives the tiniest snippets of what COULD be personality defining--in one specific route, he reveals his pot making hobby, and in another, he's able to cook. other than that, he's a self insert puppet... which isn't usually that bad of a thing in visual novels, given the medium, but it's made so much more offensive by all the decisions he makes that the player is NOT able to control or direct. on top of that, he acts depressed, dejected, and moody over literally every event, acting ridiculously soft spoken to a fault and spending most of his dialogue fumbling through ellipses. it's not really in a cute way, either. just aggravating, and it makes it harder to believe that he's unintentionally built up such a harem, too!
every girl loves the player, and unconditionally, too. i played through as many routes as i could, and only one of them really gave the main character, makoto, an actual punishment for his scumbaggery and inability to control which warm hole his penis finds itself in. even on routes where i specifically aimed to be a piece of shit, makoto still got away with all sorts of crap that love interests merely brushed off and continued loving him despite of. in this sense, school days appears to exist in some sort of bizarro world where you can just sort of fuck whoever you want, wherever you want, and still maintain the admiration and infatuation of girls everywhere. their personalities suck, by the way, and are easily defined by "this one is shy, but loves makoto" and "this one is timid, but loves makoto" or "this one is feisty and sarcastic and playful... at first, and then she becomes overly dramatic and loves makoto." in almost all girl-to-girl conversations, nearly none of them are able to pass the bechdel test save for ONE who manages to stir up a conversation about burgers and milkshakes.
i said i went on as many paths as i could and, truthfully, that was kind of a fun experience. don't get me wrong, the initial main routes of the two main girls are completely boring and melodramatic, but deviating from them purposefully (using the huge green love meter at the top) meant that i had to play a sort of balancing act while navigating choices to nudge the characters along in ways i wanted them to go. often times, things spiraled out in ways i really didn't expect. two endings even culminated in flat out disturbing (but appreciable) scenes where one girl, quite pregnant, got a little handsy with a knife, and another where a girl's head exploded like a plump tomato dropped from the sky. those were cool. one ending that really surprised me was it resulting from me making zero choices through the whole game (which is, in and of itself, another choice). it netted me a unique scene! how about that. after this review, i'll probably hit up a route guide out of curiosity to see what i missed, but i felt using that before a review would harm the experience somewhat.
anyway, the writing sucks, it's all very melodramatic, the main character is, frankly, a bitch, and no one in school days has any real personality or merit to them. but hey, it's kind of an interesting experiment, and you do bang some women.
the writing is pretty bad. the main character is a spineless, gutless scumbag, but i hesitate to call him a lovable one because there's virtually no personality to him. the player receives the tiniest snippets of what COULD be personality defining--in one specific route, he reveals his pot making hobby, and in another, he's able to cook. other than that, he's a self insert puppet... which isn't usually that bad of a thing in visual novels, given the medium, but it's made so much more offensive by all the decisions he makes that the player is NOT able to control or direct. on top of that, he acts depressed, dejected, and moody over literally every event, acting ridiculously soft spoken to a fault and spending most of his dialogue fumbling through ellipses. it's not really in a cute way, either. just aggravating, and it makes it harder to believe that he's unintentionally built up such a harem, too!
every girl loves the player, and unconditionally, too. i played through as many routes as i could, and only one of them really gave the main character, makoto, an actual punishment for his scumbaggery and inability to control which warm hole his penis finds itself in. even on routes where i specifically aimed to be a piece of shit, makoto still got away with all sorts of crap that love interests merely brushed off and continued loving him despite of. in this sense, school days appears to exist in some sort of bizarro world where you can just sort of fuck whoever you want, wherever you want, and still maintain the admiration and infatuation of girls everywhere. their personalities suck, by the way, and are easily defined by "this one is shy, but loves makoto" and "this one is timid, but loves makoto" or "this one is feisty and sarcastic and playful... at first, and then she becomes overly dramatic and loves makoto." in almost all girl-to-girl conversations, nearly none of them are able to pass the bechdel test save for ONE who manages to stir up a conversation about burgers and milkshakes.
i said i went on as many paths as i could and, truthfully, that was kind of a fun experience. don't get me wrong, the initial main routes of the two main girls are completely boring and melodramatic, but deviating from them purposefully (using the huge green love meter at the top) meant that i had to play a sort of balancing act while navigating choices to nudge the characters along in ways i wanted them to go. often times, things spiraled out in ways i really didn't expect. two endings even culminated in flat out disturbing (but appreciable) scenes where one girl, quite pregnant, got a little handsy with a knife, and another where a girl's head exploded like a plump tomato dropped from the sky. those were cool. one ending that really surprised me was it resulting from me making zero choices through the whole game (which is, in and of itself, another choice). it netted me a unique scene! how about that. after this review, i'll probably hit up a route guide out of curiosity to see what i missed, but i felt using that before a review would harm the experience somewhat.
anyway, the writing sucks, it's all very melodramatic, the main character is, frankly, a bitch, and no one in school days has any real personality or merit to them. but hey, it's kind of an interesting experiment, and you do bang some women.
i'm not really sure if the writers involved with this project--of which there are five of--even like or understand video games. and i say this in the sense that life is strange: true colors doesn't seem interested in the player nor their agency, nor their decision making, nor their interest or interpretations of characters. and i say all this because never before has there been a life is strange where your choices are a game of "well, what's the LEAST embarrassing of the two?", where your choices are "alex says something vapid and stupid" and "alex says something vapid and stupid but with a smile".
and alex, good lord, is the wet blanket protagonist of all wet blanket protagonists, a player stand-in that doesn't really even work considering how you may want her to act or speak doesn't matter because it doesn't align with how the five writers want her to speak. am i making sense, here? if the first life is strange player, for instance, did not like a character, that player was given the tools to express it. everyone is soft and spongy in true colors, speaking in mounds of references and absolutely terrible, bog standard romcom slurry. and what a cast this is--you know, there's nothing wrong with the slow paced slice of life approach that i keep seeing nowadays from western companies and studios, but it seems they all forget that these SOL attempts require a main ingredient: lovable, interesting casts. and who the hell am i supposed to latch onto when everyone spouts out that same aforementioned slurry, where every line is right on the edge of irony poisoning and extreme self awareness? how am i supposed to connect with generic indie rock loving hipster girl alex whose offered observations could not be any less boring, any more forgettable? i can't remember a single line she's offered about her environments save for the very, very dry references to REAL BAND here and REAL BAND there and REAL MOVIE here and... so forth, and so forth like a marvel convention equivalent of a mixer.
i made the claim that these writers don't like or understand video games, and it's based on all i've written thus far and just three more points. ONE: nearly everything feels set in stone, as if the game is a compromise to the writers to tell their otherwise straightforward forgettable young adult novel i had to suffer through many of in college. TWO: you're given a power to read the thoughts of others, but this is heavily limited to very, very, very few characters, the majority of NPCs seemingly unable to give you anything, as if they aren't there, as if the writers did not want to push themselves just a little bit more to add some flavor to this lifeless mess. and THREE: why the fuck can't you land in the minecart in that arcade game? come on, now.
i just can't find a single positive trait in this. the graphics are fine, the soundtrack may or may not even exist because i don't remember any of it. the voice acting is a medley of first takes. the actual "gameplay" sections impose without merit. the choices have never been more meaningless. the consequences have never been more toothless. the observation mechanic has no real development for what it is. the flavor text is lifeless. the characters are lifeless. the story is lifeless. the developers' ambitions are lifeless, and this game may as well not exist at all for all it isn't: no teeth, all gums.
and alex, good lord, is the wet blanket protagonist of all wet blanket protagonists, a player stand-in that doesn't really even work considering how you may want her to act or speak doesn't matter because it doesn't align with how the five writers want her to speak. am i making sense, here? if the first life is strange player, for instance, did not like a character, that player was given the tools to express it. everyone is soft and spongy in true colors, speaking in mounds of references and absolutely terrible, bog standard romcom slurry. and what a cast this is--you know, there's nothing wrong with the slow paced slice of life approach that i keep seeing nowadays from western companies and studios, but it seems they all forget that these SOL attempts require a main ingredient: lovable, interesting casts. and who the hell am i supposed to latch onto when everyone spouts out that same aforementioned slurry, where every line is right on the edge of irony poisoning and extreme self awareness? how am i supposed to connect with generic indie rock loving hipster girl alex whose offered observations could not be any less boring, any more forgettable? i can't remember a single line she's offered about her environments save for the very, very dry references to REAL BAND here and REAL BAND there and REAL MOVIE here and... so forth, and so forth like a marvel convention equivalent of a mixer.
i made the claim that these writers don't like or understand video games, and it's based on all i've written thus far and just three more points. ONE: nearly everything feels set in stone, as if the game is a compromise to the writers to tell their otherwise straightforward forgettable young adult novel i had to suffer through many of in college. TWO: you're given a power to read the thoughts of others, but this is heavily limited to very, very, very few characters, the majority of NPCs seemingly unable to give you anything, as if they aren't there, as if the writers did not want to push themselves just a little bit more to add some flavor to this lifeless mess. and THREE: why the fuck can't you land in the minecart in that arcade game? come on, now.
i just can't find a single positive trait in this. the graphics are fine, the soundtrack may or may not even exist because i don't remember any of it. the voice acting is a medley of first takes. the actual "gameplay" sections impose without merit. the choices have never been more meaningless. the consequences have never been more toothless. the observation mechanic has no real development for what it is. the flavor text is lifeless. the characters are lifeless. the story is lifeless. the developers' ambitions are lifeless, and this game may as well not exist at all for all it isn't: no teeth, all gums.
2006
a long time ago, i tried playing grand theft auto 3. this attempt didn't last very long considering the brutality of failing a mission: no checkpoints, no saves and, hell, no restarting--the game's decided you are an idiot (a stupid one) and you have to drag your dumb idiot ass all the way back over to the mission giver, skip their very intelligent cutscene, and try again.
suffice to say, i was that dumb idiot dipshit that rockstar thought me as, and i did not attempt to prove otherwise. or, in other words, i gave the fuck up. who has the time or patience?
years later, i played saints row. this one. it's kind of like... well, if inspiration could be seen on volition's sleeve, it'd just be a series of gta logos from shoulder to wrist. and of the many similarities saints row shared with grand theft auto, one was more brutal than the others: that exact same fucking lack of checkpoints and the basic ability to restart the damn mission. the game simply thinks your moron ass either better drag it all back to whoever gave you a cutscene or fuck off.
but unlike gta3, i didn't fuck off. why not?
because i played saints row 2 first, and saints row 2 is awesome. i'd go so far as to call it a near perfect game, and i, then, wanted to know the backstory of such a near perfect game, and said backstory could only be obtained by playing a game that's anything but. so i persevered, and it's now been years and years since then, and so i've persevered a second time through a medley of mission starts, mission failures, and mission driving-all-the-goddamn-way-to-the-starts.
in other words: i've played and beaten saints row twice. in more words: it's not really worth playing and beating twice--BUT! these two experiences have allowed me ample time to fully digest what volition presented to xbox 360 owners in 2006, and now i will relay to you, reader in 2022 or beyond, what i have learned, experienced, hated, and enjoyed.
first thing's first: this is one of the worst sandbox cities ever made. ever. history of ever, guaranteed. i've played just about every grand theft auto, certainly every saints row, and all sorts of gta/sr likes like the simpsons hit and run and mafia 2, and THIS is easily the worst designed of them all. it's bad enough that just about every neighborhood bolsters the same ugly shades of brown, red, and grey which makes quickly identifying areas around you based on appearance alone quite difficult, but the real problem lies in navigation. over and over and over, you'll find yourself hitting dead ends, pulling into parking lots with only one entrance and exit, speeding down alleys and into walls, and maddeningly smashing into obstacles your car should have been able to clear... but volition's city designers thought otherwise. but that's just a ground level problem. look to the air for the next: saints row's psychotic highway system. it makes NO fucking sense. none whatsoever. you'll look it over on the gps and be baffled on where exactly entrances and exits even are, and you'll be even further pressed to actually find that there are barely any exits/entrances at all! that's great for a fucking means of fast transportation that can't actually be accessed for a great majority of the map. god, words alone cannot quite describe just how miserable these highways are designed, and you'd be foolish to think saints row 2's kept things the same. no, in fact, saints row's highway and city layout are so indescribably terrible that volition came up with 'flooding' as a lore friendly excuse to gut the absolute miserable shit out of this absolutely miserable excuse for a sandbox layout in its sequel. fuck me, i'll never take well designed highways for granted again.
second thing's second: the mini game named activities suck. i mean, absolutely all of them do. want to protect a drug dealer? then you'll do it with the shitty guns your dealer wants you to use, and with a paltry amount of ammo to boot. want to ho? good luck getting the car bound whores without trouble--damaging a car without damaging your own car is HARD--and on that note, you best be careful when your vehicle's even remotely close to exploding. if a fire starts, you have genuine seconds to get out of the damn thing before it mission failures your ass back to square one. oh, the best activity actually is insurance fraud, surprisingly, because you can just steal a police car and rack up insane point combos by virtue of your vehicle being of the state. hell, you don't even have to hit anyone: slamming your car over and over into a wall is enough to pass each level of activity with flying colors. eight levels, by the way, and that goes for every single activity. and the rewards? well, sometimes, it's a homie. other times, it's a necklace. you have zero way of knowing this beforehand. oh, and don't rack up too many activity-rewarded respect points. in saints row 2, the meter would change to infinity upon reaching a theoretical 'max'. here in saints row 1? your game flips a coin every time you boot in, and every time it's heads, the console shuts off. dead fucking serious.
now, given these first and second major points, you might think saints row not worth playing and, in the age of youtube where anyone can just watch a stitched together cutscene compilation... yeah, yeah maybe it isn't worth the hassle. but then, it's not as if the whole experience is rotten. the general gameplay of pulling up on gangsters or police and icing them's fun. getting into highway warfare with three of your homies comprised of a soccer mom, zombie, and a baseball wielding chicken suited teenager... is pretty fun, too. the problem is it's just better in saints row 2. the writing's pretty solid, too, and i never offer such praise lightly--the dialogue plays with some silliness while still steering straight, though it's often not enough or not fleshed out as much as it should be. so, that's better in saints row 2, too. the activities i described are better in saints row 2, actually, and the city design is better in saints row 2, and, well...
you know, there's just SO much of this game that looks even shittier in comparison to its better fated sequel, and i guess that's not totally fair, but we don't exist in a vacuum and i can't help playing the game and thinking every thirty seconds "man, this detail sucks and is so much better in saints row 2". mission checkpoints? saints row 2. city free of dead ends? saints row 2. memorable locations based on visual identity alone? saints row 2. anything that saints row 1 does, 2 does better, and that leaves the experience pretty sour admittedly. but hey, there's at least one thing saints row has that its sequel doesn't: a bizarre loan shark that'll lend you, what, $1000, and failing to pay back such will sick a helicopter on you at all times of the day. so that's nice.
one last thing that's pretty cool: i selected 'xbox 360' as my platform, but the truth is i actually emulated the entire experience in 'xenia' right in the comfort of my pc. yeah, and saints row 2 runs well, too. how about that?
suffice to say, i was that dumb idiot dipshit that rockstar thought me as, and i did not attempt to prove otherwise. or, in other words, i gave the fuck up. who has the time or patience?
years later, i played saints row. this one. it's kind of like... well, if inspiration could be seen on volition's sleeve, it'd just be a series of gta logos from shoulder to wrist. and of the many similarities saints row shared with grand theft auto, one was more brutal than the others: that exact same fucking lack of checkpoints and the basic ability to restart the damn mission. the game simply thinks your moron ass either better drag it all back to whoever gave you a cutscene or fuck off.
but unlike gta3, i didn't fuck off. why not?
because i played saints row 2 first, and saints row 2 is awesome. i'd go so far as to call it a near perfect game, and i, then, wanted to know the backstory of such a near perfect game, and said backstory could only be obtained by playing a game that's anything but. so i persevered, and it's now been years and years since then, and so i've persevered a second time through a medley of mission starts, mission failures, and mission driving-all-the-goddamn-way-to-the-starts.
in other words: i've played and beaten saints row twice. in more words: it's not really worth playing and beating twice--BUT! these two experiences have allowed me ample time to fully digest what volition presented to xbox 360 owners in 2006, and now i will relay to you, reader in 2022 or beyond, what i have learned, experienced, hated, and enjoyed.
first thing's first: this is one of the worst sandbox cities ever made. ever. history of ever, guaranteed. i've played just about every grand theft auto, certainly every saints row, and all sorts of gta/sr likes like the simpsons hit and run and mafia 2, and THIS is easily the worst designed of them all. it's bad enough that just about every neighborhood bolsters the same ugly shades of brown, red, and grey which makes quickly identifying areas around you based on appearance alone quite difficult, but the real problem lies in navigation. over and over and over, you'll find yourself hitting dead ends, pulling into parking lots with only one entrance and exit, speeding down alleys and into walls, and maddeningly smashing into obstacles your car should have been able to clear... but volition's city designers thought otherwise. but that's just a ground level problem. look to the air for the next: saints row's psychotic highway system. it makes NO fucking sense. none whatsoever. you'll look it over on the gps and be baffled on where exactly entrances and exits even are, and you'll be even further pressed to actually find that there are barely any exits/entrances at all! that's great for a fucking means of fast transportation that can't actually be accessed for a great majority of the map. god, words alone cannot quite describe just how miserable these highways are designed, and you'd be foolish to think saints row 2's kept things the same. no, in fact, saints row's highway and city layout are so indescribably terrible that volition came up with 'flooding' as a lore friendly excuse to gut the absolute miserable shit out of this absolutely miserable excuse for a sandbox layout in its sequel. fuck me, i'll never take well designed highways for granted again.
second thing's second: the mini game named activities suck. i mean, absolutely all of them do. want to protect a drug dealer? then you'll do it with the shitty guns your dealer wants you to use, and with a paltry amount of ammo to boot. want to ho? good luck getting the car bound whores without trouble--damaging a car without damaging your own car is HARD--and on that note, you best be careful when your vehicle's even remotely close to exploding. if a fire starts, you have genuine seconds to get out of the damn thing before it mission failures your ass back to square one. oh, the best activity actually is insurance fraud, surprisingly, because you can just steal a police car and rack up insane point combos by virtue of your vehicle being of the state. hell, you don't even have to hit anyone: slamming your car over and over into a wall is enough to pass each level of activity with flying colors. eight levels, by the way, and that goes for every single activity. and the rewards? well, sometimes, it's a homie. other times, it's a necklace. you have zero way of knowing this beforehand. oh, and don't rack up too many activity-rewarded respect points. in saints row 2, the meter would change to infinity upon reaching a theoretical 'max'. here in saints row 1? your game flips a coin every time you boot in, and every time it's heads, the console shuts off. dead fucking serious.
now, given these first and second major points, you might think saints row not worth playing and, in the age of youtube where anyone can just watch a stitched together cutscene compilation... yeah, yeah maybe it isn't worth the hassle. but then, it's not as if the whole experience is rotten. the general gameplay of pulling up on gangsters or police and icing them's fun. getting into highway warfare with three of your homies comprised of a soccer mom, zombie, and a baseball wielding chicken suited teenager... is pretty fun, too. the problem is it's just better in saints row 2. the writing's pretty solid, too, and i never offer such praise lightly--the dialogue plays with some silliness while still steering straight, though it's often not enough or not fleshed out as much as it should be. so, that's better in saints row 2, too. the activities i described are better in saints row 2, actually, and the city design is better in saints row 2, and, well...
you know, there's just SO much of this game that looks even shittier in comparison to its better fated sequel, and i guess that's not totally fair, but we don't exist in a vacuum and i can't help playing the game and thinking every thirty seconds "man, this detail sucks and is so much better in saints row 2". mission checkpoints? saints row 2. city free of dead ends? saints row 2. memorable locations based on visual identity alone? saints row 2. anything that saints row 1 does, 2 does better, and that leaves the experience pretty sour admittedly. but hey, there's at least one thing saints row has that its sequel doesn't: a bizarre loan shark that'll lend you, what, $1000, and failing to pay back such will sick a helicopter on you at all times of the day. so that's nice.
one last thing that's pretty cool: i selected 'xbox 360' as my platform, but the truth is i actually emulated the entire experience in 'xenia' right in the comfort of my pc. yeah, and saints row 2 runs well, too. how about that?
what's more unbelievable: the fact that a thrice delayed darktide launches at full price in a near unplayable state where fps tanks, matches stutter, bottom halves of bodies disappear, and games continuously crash... or the fact that they have the nerve to jam a microtransaction store right into this mess?
trick question, neither is unbelievable because both seem to be the industry standard in what decays with every launch just like this one. but the worst bit is in how much fun darktide can be past all these issues. i went with an ogre named 'CHUSTY' and believe me, cutting through hordes of goons with clean shovel sweeps rarely fails to entertain. there's a great loop to swingan and shootan and stompan and killan to the point where you almost forget about the technical issues until youWE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE! OUR GOAL IS TO PREVENT CRASHES LIKE THIS FROM OCCURRING. PLEASE HELP US DIAGNOSE AND FIX THIS PROBLEM BY PROVIDING INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH.
the worst part about having the game crash on you is, should you bear a difficulty altering 'grimoire', that item is incredibly forfeit. for instance, just lastTHE GAME HAS CRASHED. A BUG REPORT HAS BEEN SENT TO THE DEVELOPER. IF THE PROBLEM PERSISTS SEND A BUG REPORT TO THE DEV TEAM.
but hey, if you want to spend forty dollars to bug test a game, be my SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. TO IDENTIFY THE CRASH WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH THE DEVELOPER PLEASE USE THE BUTTON 'COPY TO CLIPBOARD' AND PASTE IT INTO YOUR MESSAGE. ASSHOLE.
trick question, neither is unbelievable because both seem to be the industry standard in what decays with every launch just like this one. but the worst bit is in how much fun darktide can be past all these issues. i went with an ogre named 'CHUSTY' and believe me, cutting through hordes of goons with clean shovel sweeps rarely fails to entertain. there's a great loop to swingan and shootan and stompan and killan to the point where you almost forget about the technical issues until youWE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE! OUR GOAL IS TO PREVENT CRASHES LIKE THIS FROM OCCURRING. PLEASE HELP US DIAGNOSE AND FIX THIS PROBLEM BY PROVIDING INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH.
the worst part about having the game crash on you is, should you bear a difficulty altering 'grimoire', that item is incredibly forfeit. for instance, just lastTHE GAME HAS CRASHED. A BUG REPORT HAS BEEN SENT TO THE DEVELOPER. IF THE PROBLEM PERSISTS SEND A BUG REPORT TO THE DEV TEAM.
but hey, if you want to spend forty dollars to bug test a game, be my SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. TO IDENTIFY THE CRASH WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH THE DEVELOPER PLEASE USE THE BUTTON 'COPY TO CLIPBOARD' AND PASTE IT INTO YOUR MESSAGE. ASSHOLE.
2024
i dont know wtf is going on here cooking this primordial soup of pokemon legends arceus, zelda botw, and valheim, and nearly all the designs look like ai using official sugimori assets.
........... and it's very fun, and i can't stop sipping from the ladle
........... and it's very fun, and i can't stop sipping from the ladle
2007
over a decade later and portal still endures as the single best example of a perfect game--not flawless, but perfect. a short length complements a novel concept, and rich ambience and dialogue elevates an arcadey game concept into artistry. not flawless in that bugs happen, in that the beginning is filled with a lot of waiting around, in that valve has attempted to murder their own mood by placing radios in every room, but portal regardless is larger than its weaknesses.
it's been so long that i can't really gush about the actual portal gameplay or the thick, sterile atmosphere because i gushed about 'em ten years ago, but there's other details i really enjoy this time around. i like that there's several puzzles with multiple solutions. i like that waiting around in certain rooms begets more interesting glados lines. i like the mechanical whirr all the cameras make as they reorient themselves and the dark ambient music creeping out of the background. what i like most is the game handing you a very normal cube with only a decal's difference and putting you in situations where it protects or aids you to get you attached to a box.
it's a shame the whole cake bit really went through the wash. chalk it up to an easily accessible and captivatingly memorable experience, i guess.
it's been so long that i can't really gush about the actual portal gameplay or the thick, sterile atmosphere because i gushed about 'em ten years ago, but there's other details i really enjoy this time around. i like that there's several puzzles with multiple solutions. i like that waiting around in certain rooms begets more interesting glados lines. i like the mechanical whirr all the cameras make as they reorient themselves and the dark ambient music creeping out of the background. what i like most is the game handing you a very normal cube with only a decal's difference and putting you in situations where it protects or aids you to get you attached to a box.
it's a shame the whole cake bit really went through the wash. chalk it up to an easily accessible and captivatingly memorable experience, i guess.
2013
i understand concessions and how they have to be made, how scopes expand and deflate on a game by game, year by year basis. the beginning of the saints row franchise found itself hoisted up by a modest budget that snowballed in price through saints row two and three, evidence being graphical overhauls, gameplay overhauls, quality of life fixes, and a shiny cg trailer. saints row four, made under the demise of their publisher, is that snowball now deflated, the budget back to shoestrings... and it shows.
originally slotted to be no more than the final dlc to saints row 3, the idea of it then becoming its own full fledged sequel (unfortunately) sprang to life at volition, and that is now what can be played: this sloppy recoating of paint across saints row 3, some fragments left over to save time, others left over thoughtlessly. that is to say: the sandbox is near identical, and so are mechanics dummied out by virtue of the superhero re-branding of the series. but before diving in--again, i understand concessions. it's a sequel no doubt made to the best effort of volition with what they could scrounge together and it is definitely an example of a concept i SHOULD like--taking the previous game and spinning it out into something new and exciting a la ocarina of time (snoozer) to majoras mask (winner). but a critical problem of the series is the inability to let go of its own oot.
saints row 1 and 2 are gang focused sandboxes, the first deathly (dryly) serious and the second an impeccable mixture of serious and goofy, its winning formula being every character playing things straight. saints row 3 is a tipping of that balance in favor of too much goofy, the seriousness now buried under the weight of awful marvel movie inspirations. i'm talking about dialogue, by the way--saints row 4 is the whole superhero aspect of that marvel deal, but its the dialogue of these two later games that is just wholly insufferable, an awful, awful compounding of the very worst forced "comedy" of these sorts of snarky action based movies churned out by wojak muses. everything, absolutely everything, is bait for "humor", but it's the sort of humor that even the third thor movie would hear and frown, embarrassed for saints row's sake. there's particular lines that bug me, but let's talk about the superhero deal for a second.
"POWER FANTASY" were probably two big bolded words smeared on dry erase at volition when beginning this project--not to imply they haven't thought this way with previous games, but saints row 4 in particular is the logical conclusion of such design. imbued with super powers, you can jump and clear entire city blocks in single bounds, glide gracefully across the sky and land right where you plan to, run and dash both down populated streets and up copy and pasted high rises. it is, unapologetically, very, VERY fun. it's a sort of simple pleasure zipping throughout the city gathering up the dozens of power up orbs or whatever-the-fuck-they-call-them scattered around. with regards to combat, you slowly gain the ability to freeze enemies in their place and shatter their (then) remains, crisp 'em up, hoist them into the air and slam them into telephone poles, crash down from earth leveling all vehicles in your path.... quite a lot. and again, it's really fun! there's a very specific sort of joy only saints row 4 can give you with being able to leap off the ground towards an enemy ufo followed by freezing it and leaping off its earthbound frame off to your next destination while an explosion ripples out from behind.
but notice i'm not talking about guns or vehicles. you'd think, with how i'm describing the ridiculously fun superhero themed gameplay, you'd be under the impression that THOSE tools are your bread and butter, right? wrong. not only are guns and vehicles still in this game for whatever fucking reason, they are actively forced upon you in many, many story segments, and it gets real old, real fast. nevermind the fact that the player character can very quickly upgrade themselves into something that makes the flash blush all but rendering cars completely useless, but your superhuman strength begs the question: why shoot anything at all? in the time it takes to select a gun, carefully aim, and shoot, you could instead just dash right up and slam your knuckles down their alien throats. and so, the game artificially forces you into specifically superhuman disabling story segments (S.S.D.S.S for short). these S.S.D.S.S. portions make up legitimately, i'm not joking, more than half of the goddamn campaign. and you know what the worst part of it all is? i mentioned annoying dialogue, and here it is:
"why does everyone keep taking away my superpowers? fuck!"
oh blow me volition. it's impressive that many writers are under the impression that you can have something really awful and annoying as long as you write in so funny dialogue making fun of the situation--a recent example being that ass of a trailer for the outer worlds 2--but here's the rub: if you still DO the annoying bit, then it's not any less annoying. in fact, it's actually much worse because you're actively expressing to the player "yeah, we designed a piece of shit. funny, right?'
not really. and here's another piece of questionable design philosophy: why is this game so smitten with nostalgia for its previous entries? the bulk of the story is spent navigating through pieces of saints row history in callbacks that feel... pointless and insulting. pointless because, okay, did i really gain anything from this diary entry of a gang boss i killed eight years ago? insulting because i'm playing a fucking ridiculous, unfunny, aggravating, bloated designed, copy and pasted, always set at night, shallow, full of itself, piece of shit sequel to an already "just okay" sequel to the single best open world sandbox shooter ever made. so yes, i would consider this insulting, and i would consider a game all about superpowers that constantly limit said superpowers to be bad game design.
but i'm not actively against recommending this game. in fact, here's what i think you should do. play the first handful of story missions until you can ground pound--that caps off the end of your interesting abilities. and then... just run around the city collecting orbs and blowing up enemy camps with your powers. and do it until you've finished or you're bored, and then uninstall the game. that's the prime saints row 4 experience.
... on one last note, there's something really interesting about the way this game's set in a simulation. in games like grand theft auto, mafia, or even previous saints rows, i'll feel a little bad about mowing down rows of grandmas off the street. but because saints row 4 takes place within a fake digital world full of fake digital people, i don't feel even a little bit bad killing npcs. but then, that's kind of ridiculous, right? all of these games are "simulations". maybe if the story had a shred of intrigue to it, it would explore... forget it. this series has already gone to hell (no, really, the expansion for this is in hell).
originally slotted to be no more than the final dlc to saints row 3, the idea of it then becoming its own full fledged sequel (unfortunately) sprang to life at volition, and that is now what can be played: this sloppy recoating of paint across saints row 3, some fragments left over to save time, others left over thoughtlessly. that is to say: the sandbox is near identical, and so are mechanics dummied out by virtue of the superhero re-branding of the series. but before diving in--again, i understand concessions. it's a sequel no doubt made to the best effort of volition with what they could scrounge together and it is definitely an example of a concept i SHOULD like--taking the previous game and spinning it out into something new and exciting a la ocarina of time (snoozer) to majoras mask (winner). but a critical problem of the series is the inability to let go of its own oot.
saints row 1 and 2 are gang focused sandboxes, the first deathly (dryly) serious and the second an impeccable mixture of serious and goofy, its winning formula being every character playing things straight. saints row 3 is a tipping of that balance in favor of too much goofy, the seriousness now buried under the weight of awful marvel movie inspirations. i'm talking about dialogue, by the way--saints row 4 is the whole superhero aspect of that marvel deal, but its the dialogue of these two later games that is just wholly insufferable, an awful, awful compounding of the very worst forced "comedy" of these sorts of snarky action based movies churned out by wojak muses. everything, absolutely everything, is bait for "humor", but it's the sort of humor that even the third thor movie would hear and frown, embarrassed for saints row's sake. there's particular lines that bug me, but let's talk about the superhero deal for a second.
"POWER FANTASY" were probably two big bolded words smeared on dry erase at volition when beginning this project--not to imply they haven't thought this way with previous games, but saints row 4 in particular is the logical conclusion of such design. imbued with super powers, you can jump and clear entire city blocks in single bounds, glide gracefully across the sky and land right where you plan to, run and dash both down populated streets and up copy and pasted high rises. it is, unapologetically, very, VERY fun. it's a sort of simple pleasure zipping throughout the city gathering up the dozens of power up orbs or whatever-the-fuck-they-call-them scattered around. with regards to combat, you slowly gain the ability to freeze enemies in their place and shatter their (then) remains, crisp 'em up, hoist them into the air and slam them into telephone poles, crash down from earth leveling all vehicles in your path.... quite a lot. and again, it's really fun! there's a very specific sort of joy only saints row 4 can give you with being able to leap off the ground towards an enemy ufo followed by freezing it and leaping off its earthbound frame off to your next destination while an explosion ripples out from behind.
but notice i'm not talking about guns or vehicles. you'd think, with how i'm describing the ridiculously fun superhero themed gameplay, you'd be under the impression that THOSE tools are your bread and butter, right? wrong. not only are guns and vehicles still in this game for whatever fucking reason, they are actively forced upon you in many, many story segments, and it gets real old, real fast. nevermind the fact that the player character can very quickly upgrade themselves into something that makes the flash blush all but rendering cars completely useless, but your superhuman strength begs the question: why shoot anything at all? in the time it takes to select a gun, carefully aim, and shoot, you could instead just dash right up and slam your knuckles down their alien throats. and so, the game artificially forces you into specifically superhuman disabling story segments (S.S.D.S.S for short). these S.S.D.S.S. portions make up legitimately, i'm not joking, more than half of the goddamn campaign. and you know what the worst part of it all is? i mentioned annoying dialogue, and here it is:
"why does everyone keep taking away my superpowers? fuck!"
oh blow me volition. it's impressive that many writers are under the impression that you can have something really awful and annoying as long as you write in so funny dialogue making fun of the situation--a recent example being that ass of a trailer for the outer worlds 2--but here's the rub: if you still DO the annoying bit, then it's not any less annoying. in fact, it's actually much worse because you're actively expressing to the player "yeah, we designed a piece of shit. funny, right?'
not really. and here's another piece of questionable design philosophy: why is this game so smitten with nostalgia for its previous entries? the bulk of the story is spent navigating through pieces of saints row history in callbacks that feel... pointless and insulting. pointless because, okay, did i really gain anything from this diary entry of a gang boss i killed eight years ago? insulting because i'm playing a fucking ridiculous, unfunny, aggravating, bloated designed, copy and pasted, always set at night, shallow, full of itself, piece of shit sequel to an already "just okay" sequel to the single best open world sandbox shooter ever made. so yes, i would consider this insulting, and i would consider a game all about superpowers that constantly limit said superpowers to be bad game design.
but i'm not actively against recommending this game. in fact, here's what i think you should do. play the first handful of story missions until you can ground pound--that caps off the end of your interesting abilities. and then... just run around the city collecting orbs and blowing up enemy camps with your powers. and do it until you've finished or you're bored, and then uninstall the game. that's the prime saints row 4 experience.
... on one last note, there's something really interesting about the way this game's set in a simulation. in games like grand theft auto, mafia, or even previous saints rows, i'll feel a little bad about mowing down rows of grandmas off the street. but because saints row 4 takes place within a fake digital world full of fake digital people, i don't feel even a little bit bad killing npcs. but then, that's kind of ridiculous, right? all of these games are "simulations". maybe if the story had a shred of intrigue to it, it would explore... forget it. this series has already gone to hell (no, really, the expansion for this is in hell).
good lord, did they fire their writer after the initial game's launch? i bring this up because i pulled up my old review for the seal the deal dlc and found that i held the exact same sentiment, and now i'm scared that the original game is actually just as bad in that department. what on earth? why is nearly every line that comes out of every npcs' mouth some boring, self aware comment? hilarious only to time travelers from 2014 who unfortunately did not set their calculations correctly landing in this dump of a decade. when it's not meta pun haha funny, it's just... nothing. they don't say anything funny or interesting; just nothing.
"it's a 3d platformer, are you playing for the dialogue?"
of course no one's playing a collecathon for enriching writing, but then this begs the question: why is it even there at all, then? how about just have them fucking gagged? the cat models certainly look visually appealing, at least.
and they and a select few posters (and some stickers--most won't age well at all. a few have already spoiled) are the only visually appealing aspects here in this clustered mess of saturated colors mixed with black. black and grey. for as vibrant and noisy as this dlc's stage is, you'd think you'd spend a lot less time staring at black corridors and black floors and black walls. that, and trains: you look at a lot of trains.
god, it's just not fun to navigate the city, either. call it "open world" but it's no more that than any fucking super mario sunshine level--except those are actually much more fun to play around in considering you generally have a better idea of where to go and what to even do there while a hat in time is content to rely on either its press-lb-to-find-next-objective hat or--frankly--the incredibly insulting help kiosk that offers the player an assist mode under the guise of accessibility. oh blow me, you designed a sandbox with windows xp era mspaint color palletes and, like, bear traps and you have the gall to--oh, nevermind.
what else? god, the dlc loves reusing parts of itself over and over and over again. there's all these merchants scattered around selling five things that have you just sitting there waiting for the purchase animation to finish--gets real old when you're just buying food for 10 hatkid bucks. there's this long tunnel where you have to bob and weave in between trains and i swear to god i think they make you trudge through there like four different times (and two of them failed to spawn any trains at all until i was halfway through when suddenly they'd all just burst out from the woodwork as if i triggered some tripwire).
anyway, it's a dlc about jumping on trains and staring at walls. very creative. i suppose when you stop hard crutching all of your level and character designs off of established gamecube games, you dry the well faster than you realize.
"it's a 3d platformer, are you playing for the dialogue?"
of course no one's playing a collecathon for enriching writing, but then this begs the question: why is it even there at all, then? how about just have them fucking gagged? the cat models certainly look visually appealing, at least.
and they and a select few posters (and some stickers--most won't age well at all. a few have already spoiled) are the only visually appealing aspects here in this clustered mess of saturated colors mixed with black. black and grey. for as vibrant and noisy as this dlc's stage is, you'd think you'd spend a lot less time staring at black corridors and black floors and black walls. that, and trains: you look at a lot of trains.
god, it's just not fun to navigate the city, either. call it "open world" but it's no more that than any fucking super mario sunshine level--except those are actually much more fun to play around in considering you generally have a better idea of where to go and what to even do there while a hat in time is content to rely on either its press-lb-to-find-next-objective hat or--frankly--the incredibly insulting help kiosk that offers the player an assist mode under the guise of accessibility. oh blow me, you designed a sandbox with windows xp era mspaint color palletes and, like, bear traps and you have the gall to--oh, nevermind.
what else? god, the dlc loves reusing parts of itself over and over and over again. there's all these merchants scattered around selling five things that have you just sitting there waiting for the purchase animation to finish--gets real old when you're just buying food for 10 hatkid bucks. there's this long tunnel where you have to bob and weave in between trains and i swear to god i think they make you trudge through there like four different times (and two of them failed to spawn any trains at all until i was halfway through when suddenly they'd all just burst out from the woodwork as if i triggered some tripwire).
anyway, it's a dlc about jumping on trains and staring at walls. very creative. i suppose when you stop hard crutching all of your level and character designs off of established gamecube games, you dry the well faster than you realize.
2018
a definitive vr experience and one of the best games out there for it, but that doesnt absolve it of some of its issues (which is understandable--it is an early access title after all). combat ranges from either feeling excellent and extremely responsive to weird, floaty, and weak, and it all depends on what weapon you use. daggers, short swords, shields, hatchets--anything that's not too big works well. you stab, you swing, you slice, and it all has impact and visceral. in contrast, long swords, warhammers, claymores--these feel like garbage. they don't really SWING like you expect them to, and it ends up feeling floaty and weird. if you pretend the heavier side of weapons have a heavy feeling to them, they definitely work better, but not great. the warhammer in general just ends up doing things you don't expect it to, and not doing things you do expect. the spear sucks at stabbing particularly, but it's actually really fun to use as a two handed staff instead. archery is neat, but the limited arrows is kind of garbage and collecting more off the battlefield sucks, too. you can mod that out, but you really shouldn't have to.
anyway, your experience will vary, but it's a great feeling game at its core--it needs to be, considering there's no story or progression or anything else. you get gameplay, and it's gameplay for the pure sake of it, and it feels damn cool. my favorite and personal recommendation is to use dual hatchets and just rip and tear.
for reference, this was on the oculus rift s. i wonder how some of these weapons feel on the index.
anyway, your experience will vary, but it's a great feeling game at its core--it needs to be, considering there's no story or progression or anything else. you get gameplay, and it's gameplay for the pure sake of it, and it feels damn cool. my favorite and personal recommendation is to use dual hatchets and just rip and tear.
for reference, this was on the oculus rift s. i wonder how some of these weapons feel on the index.
2001
i could not even imagine the disappointment i would feel waiting for the sequel to come out to the charming sonic adventure 1 and have it be this
there isnt much i can say about this that i didnt already for mgs1. the story is (mostly) great, the dialogue is (mostly) well written, and the overall aesthetic is strong, but it's all in the face of annoying, frustrating, downright awful gameplay.
the fatman boss is really fun and combines stealth with action in a way none of the other fights do. i wish all the bosses were like that, just like i wish all of the bosses in mgs1 were like the minigun fight. but kojima had other plans
the fatman boss is really fun and combines stealth with action in a way none of the other fights do. i wish all the bosses were like that, just like i wish all of the bosses in mgs1 were like the minigun fight. but kojima had other plans
2022
that intro, my god. the face of troubled development does not bother to mask itself. while it's a pity overall what volition endured during this game's development, it's also a pity that the writers wrote any one of these lines. it's a pity this is how the reboot goes.
the 'abandoned' status isn't quite accurate--i'm pretty sure i did absolutely everything possible in this hollow retreading of hoenn years ago when i was a child and, indeed, had it set to 'mastered' but i give up on this recent replay. pokemon diamond (and pearl, assumedly) is honest to god one of the most boring rpgs i've played. worse, i remember feeling this way as a kid after following the hypetrain for months on months before release, stalking serebii for scraps of information and discussing the impending release with my online friends at the time, only to end up with a game that felt like one i had already played before: pokemon ruby.
i mean, is it doing much else? it's got snow. that's about it. night time. uhh. a physical special split. the little things are indeed little because, overall, it is a mess of uninteresting environments pitting you against trainers with one type of mon and bad guys that use creatures from the same pool of, like, five. and you know what? i probably shouldn't replay pokemon ruby because i bet it's just like that, too. but then, it was novel, and i bet for people who play diamond first, it's novel here, too.
i don't know, these fucking games don't do much. you catch pokemon, you fight everyone you see, your creatures become too strong and unstoppable until the very end when suddenly the elite four is about twenty flights above you. and i just do not have the patience to grind my way through it. maybe if the writing was interesting or funny or curious or anything other than--i get it. this is designed to be a child's literal first jrpg. pokemon ruby was literally my first jrpg. but god is it bland. god, and isn't the dialga reveal bland, too. now that's one thing pokemon ruby performed better, i'd say.
music's good. pixel art as far as pokemon is concerned: very good! pixel art as far as tile sets are concerned: very bland! and samey, and whatever else. i don't know, i felt exhausted playing this and that goes double for writing.
i mean, is it doing much else? it's got snow. that's about it. night time. uhh. a physical special split. the little things are indeed little because, overall, it is a mess of uninteresting environments pitting you against trainers with one type of mon and bad guys that use creatures from the same pool of, like, five. and you know what? i probably shouldn't replay pokemon ruby because i bet it's just like that, too. but then, it was novel, and i bet for people who play diamond first, it's novel here, too.
i don't know, these fucking games don't do much. you catch pokemon, you fight everyone you see, your creatures become too strong and unstoppable until the very end when suddenly the elite four is about twenty flights above you. and i just do not have the patience to grind my way through it. maybe if the writing was interesting or funny or curious or anything other than--i get it. this is designed to be a child's literal first jrpg. pokemon ruby was literally my first jrpg. but god is it bland. god, and isn't the dialga reveal bland, too. now that's one thing pokemon ruby performed better, i'd say.
music's good. pixel art as far as pokemon is concerned: very good! pixel art as far as tile sets are concerned: very bland! and samey, and whatever else. i don't know, i felt exhausted playing this and that goes double for writing.
2018
i would rather be playing avalon