Why on earth did I play this game. Why. WHY. It's filled to the brim with infuriating 2000s RPG design, unclear objectives, and outright insane random encounter rates.

But I love this game. I don't know why it stuck so much with me. Maybe it's the simple yet poignant story about how adults manipulate children. Maybe it's the half-apocalyptic setting, with stunning juxtaposition of the natural and the manmade. Maybe it's the worldbuilding - Landroll is occupied by a great many people you can befriend and talk to, a place where art installations have their own history with their creator. Maybe it's the DOWNRIGHT INCREDIBLE soundtrack that the wonderful composers at Basiscape managed to create for this game. (Listen to "The Village Without Memories" or "Tokione." Please.)

I'm 90% sure you'll hate this game. But if that 10% is true, I guarantee you're going to have a great time.

Hello everyone my name is Mr. Cinemasins and this is EVERYTHING WRONG WITH SF5 STORY MODE:

- Necalli is presented as an 'unstopable life form' but loses every single fight in the story.
- Kolin is shown to have healing powers instead of ice.
- Rashid wins against Chun-Li.
- Urien isn't bothered at all that Kolin betrayed his trust bringing Nash in.
- Chun-Li knows who's Sean before Third Strike.
- Laura's portuguese accent is not from Rio de Janeiro.
- Laura wins against Ken.
- Ed uses telekinesis via pyscho powers (not even Bison is capable of this).
- Alex wins against Dhalsim.
- Nash, whom Guilte admired so much as to copying his entire fighting style, only exchange one 'hello' after he's ressurected.
- Both Ibuki and R. Mika win against Balrog and Ed together at different points, while Zangief loses.
- One of the dolls is racist against Birdie while speaking french.
- Seth's entire existence as a returning dlc character contradicts this story's ending.

And my personal favorite:

- Juri goes from Rio de Janeiro to London via motorcycle, while also carrying Cammy and Decapre, in less than a day.

Even Without Wings, I Can Still Fly!
Right?

No Sonic you fucking idiot. You can’t just fly like that you dumb motherfucker.

sonic riders and i have a nostalgic relationship. back in 2018 i had found a crusty and literal dogshit ridden ps2 console across the street from my house for garbage pickup. i decided i’d take it home and it’s been my primary ps2 ever since. that was the first home console i ever owned. being a huge sonic fan at the time (the classic games were basically daily replays for me) i went on the hunt for all the sonic ps2 games. i picked up sonic riders not really knowing what i was getting myself into. i played it and frustratingly put it down before i could even finish the heroes story. i was even worse at finishing games back then goddamn. needless to say i thought the game wasn’t very good lol. fast forward to 2020 and i pick up the game again but this time for my newly purchased nintendo gamecube. frustrated with the game’s mechanics yet again, i scoured to the internet to see if maybe i was doing something wrong. turns out i was, i just sucked ass at the game. i watched this excellent video by pspman3000 multiple times over and found myself rapidly improving at the game. i was officially hooked.

I GET IT OKAY? IT JUST FLOATS AND THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME

Sonic Riders has THE VIBES (TM). it’s the most 2006 6th gen game i’ve ever played. sleek mid 2000s UI with…the wackiest ass story in a sonic game. ironically though i fucking love it. the animation is the most expressive in a sonic game yet; it has SOUL…. shit presents itself in a very in-your-face way that you barely have any time to process what the fuck is happening, and this applies even during gameplay. whoever decided not to explain how the game works in the main story is a fucking idiot. who the fuck tucks away the tutorial into some bonus menus and then does a half-assed job making said tutorial. regardless, the actual gameplay and mechanics are SO fun once you master them (which could roughly take 20 hours 😁). shits jumpin bumpin and hoppin. i get such immense pleasure from popping off sick tricks and slapping the fuck outta jet the hawk’s shit eating face during a boost. i fuckin, yelled out, “IM CRAZY WITH THE SAUCE” while playing this shit. i hate what sonic has done to me but i love playing his games (pre 2012 🙂). ‘style over substance’ is what you could say about sonic riders and you’d be right on the money. there’s like, BARELY any content here. years ago i did all the missions and it was fun as hell yeah, but do i ever wanna do that shit again? no. when i come back to this one its mainly for the kickass tunes, wacky-ass slapstick story, and the addicting gameplay which is all wrapped up nicely in the story mode. there’s no reason to play any other mode unless you’re me during quarantine in 2020 playing this game for hours at a time for days on end. this shit drugged me up back then. in terms of quality sonic riders could be a 6 or 7/10 because of its insane lack of content, but i don’t give a shit. i enjoy every second i play of this and the mechanics are insanely engrossing for me. one of the reviews on this site says “The higher you rate this game, the better you were at it.” THIS IS VERY TRUE. it’s also why this isn’t a 10/10 because i’m not a master yet despite having probably over 50 hours to my name. there’s some wild shit you can do that i can’t even fathom exists. i don’t blame anyone who doesn’t find this game their cup of tea tho lol. sonic riders very crappily explains its mechanics and the skill ceiling is insanely high. before i forget, THE TUNES (TM). hard ass electronic beats that got me bopping. everything in this game compliments each other extremely well. it’s another rushed 2000s era sonic game but it’s MY rushed 2000s era sonic game. i hate being a sonic fan.

Mechanically, this game probably deserves a 3 or 3.5. But I can't help but bump it up because of how inventive its world is, how utterly AMAZING its soundtrack is, and how much I keep thinking about this game, even years after having played it.

I came off of this game feeling a little frustrated, and with its shortcomings at the forefront of my mind. "It's mediocre". But I kept thinking about it. I kept thinking about its art direction; the mesh of sleek, hypermodern glass and iron structures and nature. That is really what stuck the most with me. The closest I think a game gets to this is Phantasy Star Online, but Opoona does it better, cleaner, classier. I want so badly for more games to look like this.

As an immigrant, the subtext of bureaucracy in this game is not something I expected, but wow does it add to the experience. All the requisites and red tape you have to go through for just Existing in a planet that you're not a citizen of - it hit close to home. It's definitely a subjective point, but I heavily resonated with it and made me connect with Opoona's journey that much more.

I was also impressed with the town design, and how much life every single location seemed to have. It felt lived-in, it made sense that these locations would develop the way that they did. I love that there's a town known for its museums and high-class shops. I love that there's a business center with two competing technology companies, all of it UNDERWATER, and named "Intelligent Sea". What an amazing name.

The soundtrack is impeccable, probably the best on the system. Hell, probably the best in JRPGs period. It perfectly accentuates the environments, though I will say that the battle theme is terrible. It gets replaced with a much better song later, but only while on a specific mission. I wish that better song played all the time instead.

I think my favorite aspect of this game is how much it respects art. Whoever was in charge of design for this specific aspect clearly had a lot of love for the art world and was fully immersed in it. The game has museums, art exhibits, installations, paintings; pretty much everything that you can expect from the world's finest museums. And these pieces are scattered across the different locales, in different town museums, out in the wild where a rogue artist has set up a small studio and left an art exhibit behind. My favorite of these is the many empty art frames you encounter in your journey. They are introduced with very little fanfare. You just see these random, intricate, gold-leaf frames around the world, with a small inscription telling you the numbering, and the artist responsible. The idea of the installation is that whatever you are seeing through the frame is the art. The game never gives you a special camera angle, never zooms in on an intended perspective; they're all just there, capturing whatever it is the game's camera has put inside it, and it always works. It feels so real.

Opoona, to me, is a game about being othered. It's about beureaucracy. It's about art. Opoona contains multitudes, and despite its very glaring flaws, I can't help but love it. It's the closest I'll get to taking an intergalactic vacation.