DespicableCHUD
2021
Chill to the point of catatonia — and I mean that in the best way possible. Also, I'm pretty crap at organizing and unpacking in real life, and this game pretty much confirmed that. Sorry I did such a poor job organizing your bookshelves, lady.
Why am I so shit at this game?
1998
Sometimes you just wanna kick and replay one of your favorite games.
2020
Is this supposed to be janky and unplayable on purpose?
2018
I really don't like this game.
2022
This game has so such much going for it—the grungy, neon-hued aesthetics; the menacingly beautiful environments; the ecocentric take on urban exploration; the cute kitty—and yet it’s ultimately let down by its ropey storytelling, stale mechanics, and a never-ending procession of fetch quests and inventory puzzles (you know, in a cat game). Still worth playing, but not quite as good as I’d hoped.
2018
This review contains spoilers
A halfsterpiece. Loved the left-to-right Ninja Garden platformer stages, but the game took a real nosedive during the second half, when it abruptly transforms into a shitty, unfulfilling, and maddeningly tedious Metroidvania. The strength of the first half was enough for me -- and I didn't even bother finishing the rest.
2018
Suffers from a bad case of collectijunctivitis, but still a gobsmackingly good game.
1996
An absolute atrocity. I love it.
2011
A collection of discarded, secondhand curious and what's-its purloined from the estate of James Ellroy and old episodes of Dragnet. Janky, repetitive, prestige-hungry, and about half as smart as it thinks it is. Some of the twists and turns of its second half are fairly intriguing (especially as it relates to Cole's character arc), but the process of actually getting there is an absolute slog. It doesn't help that most of the individual cases aren't as engaging or tightly plotted (or hell, fun to play) as I would have liked.
2019
Stupidly addictive.
2022
A lot like WWE booking itself: plodding, monotonous, frustrating, repetitive, incredibly lame, but still weirdly compelling. This is an objectively mediocre-to-bad game that I somehow dumped a ridiculous number of hours into stupid, broken game (until the endless slog of MyRise mode sent me into a catatonic state).
Also: WTF is up with those hair textures???
Also: WTF is up with those hair textures???
Pretty much my favorite game of all time. There isn't a moment where I'm NOT playing this.
2019
Just deliriously awful. A miserable, mawkish, unexpectedly HILARIOUS experience, all angst and self-aggrandizement and goofy edgelord dumbfuckery. Oh, and the game design is beyond broken. Look, I know "so-bad-they're-good" video games are few and far between, but this stupid little thing made me Dom DeLuise wheeze-laugh throughout its entire runtime. A near perfect storm of terrible bullshit.
2012
A skuzzy, surrealist trek through the grimy primordial hellscape of traumatic memory. Bizarre, unrelenting, repellant... to the point where I kinda wish I could give this a higher score, to be honest.
But those spider puzzles, man... ooooof. Borderline game-breaking stuff.
But those spider puzzles, man... ooooof. Borderline game-breaking stuff.