Dreamboat
2005
As close to a Simple Series game as you can get whilst having some money behind you (this is not necessarily a slight). Woeful camera and pretty thin even for a game only a couple of hours long, but the basic gameplay and general aesthetic will stir long-dormant feelings in the heart of anyone who ever played GunZ: The Duel. Good music!
It's a bit weird to live in the UK and have opinions about the UMP45, clap when you see an FN Five SeveN etc., but this is what growing up playing too much Rogue Spear does to a fragile young mind. As an outlet for that particular kind of insanity this game is really cool, a gun simulator with an absurd amount of firearms to test out and do all the little things you want to do with cool guns. Wanna fan the hammer on an old sixgun? You got it. You know in movies when someone has an MP5 variant and they smack the charging handle forward like a super cool guy? You can do that. Want to explode a walking hot dog with the gun from Blade Runner? Your prayers have been answered! Playing for any decent length of time will turn you into someone you may have reservations about being, but hey, isn't it really cool to flick your wrist and snap that shotgun closed...?
That stuff aside, the obvious drawback here is playable content. There's some rudimentary modes that are kind of cool, but it's against bots only - what this really needs is some form of multiplayer, even if it's just players vs the AI. Actually, that would be pretty cool in Take & Hold! As it stands it's still fun to jump into one of the shooting range maps and see how well you can handle the gun you're in the mood of this afternoon, but I'm guessing unless you're already starting from the position of having a brain with long-term lead poisoning like mine, that's probably not going to be enough for long. Interested to see where it ends up though!
That stuff aside, the obvious drawback here is playable content. There's some rudimentary modes that are kind of cool, but it's against bots only - what this really needs is some form of multiplayer, even if it's just players vs the AI. Actually, that would be pretty cool in Take & Hold! As it stands it's still fun to jump into one of the shooting range maps and see how well you can handle the gun you're in the mood of this afternoon, but I'm guessing unless you're already starting from the position of having a brain with long-term lead poisoning like mine, that's probably not going to be enough for long. Interested to see where it ends up though!
This review contains spoilers
An okay Star Wars experience but not without some big weaknesses, not least of which are the major technical issues.
As a game, I think it's mostly fine. Combat is more of the same from the first game but with more bells and whistles, so solid enough, though I wish we had access to all stances at all times. The levels are absurdly large and running around Doing a Prince of Persia to uncover all the secrets and collectables etc. is satisfying, although I think the kind of railroaded, one-obvious-route style of individual areas feels somewhat at odds with the openness of the worlds. I dunno. Maybe I'm crazy!
Storywise I'm not entirely convinced: I don't think Daran Gera is a developed enough villain, and likewise whilst I assumed Bode had a heel turn coming from the first time I saw him, I don't think there's enough there to make it truly impactful - the game could have used a few more missions where we're paired up with him, a few more tangible moments showcasing him and Cal as true partners.
Speaking of Cal, I dunno, this game makes him out to be kind of a monster! They've went all in on making stormtroopers into bumbling bozos, and it just makes slaughtering them by the thousands feel slightly grotesque (especially when you hit an instant kill animation. These guys are completely outclassed, Cal, do you really need to maim them before killing). That one boss fight against "Rick the Door Technician"? Come on. I get that they're the Empire, they're supposed be the most cartoonishly evil guys going, but the voice lines make it clear that many of them are brainwashed by propaganda, and hey, wouldn't some of these guys still be clones explicitly programmed to follow orders? The game doesn't treat any of this as unheroic, so I dunno. Just seems a little off to me! Maybe they should just say "blast em!" or "squash the scum!" instead so I don't have to think about this. And you know what, it's not fair at all that Cal gets a blaster. These guys already can't shoot you because of your laser bat and now you can just shoot them? Poor form!
Played on PC and it really is as bad as you've heard. Making some ini tweaks allowed me to get things into a bearable state but I still had to put up with constant stuttering anytime a new animation popped up, which meant most boss fights didn't really start until my 2nd attempt. I only had one crash, though - during the Vader fight (this guy getting parachuted in to give proceedings some weight again. He's become Wolverine), and then on relaunching the game Vader wouldn't spawn and I couldn't progress until I backtracked to another checkpoint and saved there and then made my way back. Happened during the final Bode fight too. Absolutely embarrassing release. Anyway, I use a yellow saber, what colour's yours?
As a game, I think it's mostly fine. Combat is more of the same from the first game but with more bells and whistles, so solid enough, though I wish we had access to all stances at all times. The levels are absurdly large and running around Doing a Prince of Persia to uncover all the secrets and collectables etc. is satisfying, although I think the kind of railroaded, one-obvious-route style of individual areas feels somewhat at odds with the openness of the worlds. I dunno. Maybe I'm crazy!
Storywise I'm not entirely convinced: I don't think Daran Gera is a developed enough villain, and likewise whilst I assumed Bode had a heel turn coming from the first time I saw him, I don't think there's enough there to make it truly impactful - the game could have used a few more missions where we're paired up with him, a few more tangible moments showcasing him and Cal as true partners.
Speaking of Cal, I dunno, this game makes him out to be kind of a monster! They've went all in on making stormtroopers into bumbling bozos, and it just makes slaughtering them by the thousands feel slightly grotesque (especially when you hit an instant kill animation. These guys are completely outclassed, Cal, do you really need to maim them before killing). That one boss fight against "Rick the Door Technician"? Come on. I get that they're the Empire, they're supposed be the most cartoonishly evil guys going, but the voice lines make it clear that many of them are brainwashed by propaganda, and hey, wouldn't some of these guys still be clones explicitly programmed to follow orders? The game doesn't treat any of this as unheroic, so I dunno. Just seems a little off to me! Maybe they should just say "blast em!" or "squash the scum!" instead so I don't have to think about this. And you know what, it's not fair at all that Cal gets a blaster. These guys already can't shoot you because of your laser bat and now you can just shoot them? Poor form!
Played on PC and it really is as bad as you've heard. Making some ini tweaks allowed me to get things into a bearable state but I still had to put up with constant stuttering anytime a new animation popped up, which meant most boss fights didn't really start until my 2nd attempt. I only had one crash, though - during the Vader fight (this guy getting parachuted in to give proceedings some weight again. He's become Wolverine), and then on relaunching the game Vader wouldn't spawn and I couldn't progress until I backtracked to another checkpoint and saved there and then made my way back. Happened during the final Bode fight too. Absolutely embarrassing release. Anyway, I use a yellow saber, what colour's yours?
Young dickhead Sherlock Holmes runs around a sterile open world and sometimes drops into tiny arenas to do Batman takedowns on thugs with his shiny new cool pistol (he talks out loud about how shiny and new and cool it is). Fuck off man. Who asked for this.
David Cage: Vertigo
2018
Fairly run of the mill point and click stuff in a pleasant store-brand Christie skin but the amount of bugs is pure shockin and I've just hit a gamebreaker so into the phantom zone it goes. Shame.
2018
Took me six hours, but I managed it: all 100 levels of the mind of Minter completed. There were many points in this where I wanted to scream, cry, and throw things: a whole bunch of these (the ones that stick in my mind are 38 and 96) are just horrible, painful affairs, absolutely rotten to the core, and when you finally do clear them you'll go through a handful of breather levels that will then turn out to be the game just winding up for another haymaker. Late in the game an enemy will get introduced that traverses the entire field, periodically firing sustained barrages, and it can never be destroyed and will reflect your own shots back at you. The immediate next level introduces two at once. I feel like Andy DuFresne crawling down the tunnel playing this. Awesome game! When someone Jacks In to hack something in a cyberpunk movie it should be visually represented by them having to play a level of Tempest. So cool.
Not without a bunch of problems on PC, though. 9 times out of 10 it would crash on startup and when I finally cleared level 100 my reward was a screen I had to Task Manager out of. Nice one.
Not without a bunch of problems on PC, though. 9 times out of 10 it would crash on startup and when I finally cleared level 100 my reward was a screen I had to Task Manager out of. Nice one.
I, too, think Le Samourai is a very cool movie.
Same deal as The Friends of Ringo Ishikawa (very funny title, the selfsame Eddie Coyle is also a very cool movie) - don't think I'd ever touch this again, but I appreciate the experience even if it's dull as all hell, however purposefully. Not sure why the intentional drudgery of this is preferable to me over the same in a Suda game or whatever - maybe because yeo's stuff is overtly about pure ennui (relatable!), or maybe because it takes ~1000th of the time to get through. Anyway watching Le Cercle Rouge on the big screen five times a day to drown out the silence sounds good to me, I dunno what the hitman in this is bothered about.
Same deal as The Friends of Ringo Ishikawa (very funny title, the selfsame Eddie Coyle is also a very cool movie) - don't think I'd ever touch this again, but I appreciate the experience even if it's dull as all hell, however purposefully. Not sure why the intentional drudgery of this is preferable to me over the same in a Suda game or whatever - maybe because yeo's stuff is overtly about pure ennui (relatable!), or maybe because it takes ~1000th of the time to get through. Anyway watching Le Cercle Rouge on the big screen five times a day to drown out the silence sounds good to me, I dunno what the hitman in this is bothered about.
Had to stop playing this because there are a bunch of issues on PC that just aren't worth the hassle. On a replay I'd still say it's better than '08 though! I'm not super enthused by the combat mechanically or stylistically (this big army doesn't seem like all that much of a threat to me when the Prince can take on 20 of them at once without any powers whatsoever) but it's functional at least. The platforming is where this one shines; I love the water freezing stuff and how intricate all that gets later on in the game. Just wish instead of this Hollywood Within outfit the Prince was still wearing his SoT getup - baggy pantaloons and studded gauntlets will never go out of style!!
2008
First time touching this since it was initially released, and time (sans sands) has not been kind to the limits of my patience for it.
It's not completely without merit - the storybook look to the visuals is probably the high point of the game, and I do like building the world and the story around the Zoroastrian theme, tying it all to actual Persian myth and belief. I think the design of the "Prince" (he's not a prince!! I'm calling Trading Standards!!!) is actually fairly decent, and would think he looked like a pretty cool protagonist for an action-adventure game with literally any other title. I like the idea of the combat being these one-on-one duel affairs, harking back to the original Mechner PoP and a more romantic idea of swordfighting compared to something like Forgotten Sands where you're just mowing down ragdolls.
In practice, though, most of this stuff just doesn't hold up: the combat is mechanically just a little too simple and comes off dull when paired with the game's focus on making sure you never actually die. The world looks nice and the mythology of it is cool but actual locales just feel bland, and running around collecting orbs (2008...the immediate post-Crackdown world...) is just not exciting. The platforming is functional and from what I remember of the later-game stuff gets kind of rhythmic once you get into the longer sequences, but what's the point if you're never doing all this running and jumping and climbing anywhere interesting? On top of all this, going from Yuri Lowenthal's arrogant fop-turned-hero to Nolan North doing his Nathan Drake voice is the mother of all downgrades. I think I hate it! Maybe this Prince shouldn't talk!
Couldn't finish it. A game where everyone was right about it the first time round. That said, I guess I never finished it finished it originally, because I never bought the actual ending to the game that they brought out as paid DLC (the Asura's Wrath Manoeuvre). And that one DS game is the sequel and came out the same day as this game! Decision makers at Ubisoft should be shot out of a cannon.
It's not completely without merit - the storybook look to the visuals is probably the high point of the game, and I do like building the world and the story around the Zoroastrian theme, tying it all to actual Persian myth and belief. I think the design of the "Prince" (he's not a prince!! I'm calling Trading Standards!!!) is actually fairly decent, and would think he looked like a pretty cool protagonist for an action-adventure game with literally any other title. I like the idea of the combat being these one-on-one duel affairs, harking back to the original Mechner PoP and a more romantic idea of swordfighting compared to something like Forgotten Sands where you're just mowing down ragdolls.
In practice, though, most of this stuff just doesn't hold up: the combat is mechanically just a little too simple and comes off dull when paired with the game's focus on making sure you never actually die. The world looks nice and the mythology of it is cool but actual locales just feel bland, and running around collecting orbs (2008...the immediate post-Crackdown world...) is just not exciting. The platforming is functional and from what I remember of the later-game stuff gets kind of rhythmic once you get into the longer sequences, but what's the point if you're never doing all this running and jumping and climbing anywhere interesting? On top of all this, going from Yuri Lowenthal's arrogant fop-turned-hero to Nolan North doing his Nathan Drake voice is the mother of all downgrades. I think I hate it! Maybe this Prince shouldn't talk!
Couldn't finish it. A game where everyone was right about it the first time round. That said, I guess I never finished it finished it originally, because I never bought the actual ending to the game that they brought out as paid DLC (the Asura's Wrath Manoeuvre). And that one DS game is the sequel and came out the same day as this game! Decision makers at Ubisoft should be shot out of a cannon.
I love to swashbuckle!!
Stuck this on for the first time in aaaages because I'd watched the Bye Bye Muta show and AKIRA was in the main and I love seeing that guy. He used his old NJPW entrance theme and imo this is proof of a great wrestling mind because coming out to Bon Jovi in a huge venue is always going to sound good. It's the environment the music was designed for! It's why Wagner's big show entrances are always great. AKIRA is really cool. Anyway I wanted to play as him after watching so I played this.
I never played any of the story mode DLC or anything for this because they were laughably priced, but at its core this is another version of Returns and Returns is the best wrestling game ever made, so that's good. At release it was more stripped down compared to that game, and to be honest I think Returns had chunkier, more satisfying sound, but the freedom you have in creating characters, the extent to which you can tweak the AI and the core gameplay are as good as ever. I've no idea why more wrestling games haven't taken cues from this series - even something relatively small like the escalating crowd reactions as your match builds. Fire Pro is so cool!! It's like AKIRA that way.
I never played any of the story mode DLC or anything for this because they were laughably priced, but at its core this is another version of Returns and Returns is the best wrestling game ever made, so that's good. At release it was more stripped down compared to that game, and to be honest I think Returns had chunkier, more satisfying sound, but the freedom you have in creating characters, the extent to which you can tweak the AI and the core gameplay are as good as ever. I've no idea why more wrestling games haven't taken cues from this series - even something relatively small like the escalating crowd reactions as your match builds. Fire Pro is so cool!! It's like AKIRA that way.
Started the game, as soon as I was given control my screen was plastered with Uplay rewards and unlocks from Assassin's Creed 2 (still coasting on that one, huh) that I'm not sure why I had because I had yet to actually do anything. Then I actually did anything and it was the usual turgid bollocks. I remember thinking Origins was okay, and from what I remember wasn't even that much different, but just nothing here was making me want to continue. Endless busywork and poking enemies higher level than you for 0.01 damage per second (it's very funny to me that they list "DPS" on weapons in these games nowadays). I'm sure the setting is very cool as you get further in but I think I'd rather clean the Augean stables than play and find out, thanks!
downloading shingo dlc here comes a special boy !!
Throwing this on again as I am a born sucker who needs to at least try Shingo in this game. He still rules, his VA still rules, I think his new outfit looks good, I'm glad you can still whiff cancel cr.D, I wish his proximity unblockable was still a DP motion and was also still a proximity unblockable instead of a command grab, I wish he still checked GameFAQs during his final bankai. About what I expected. Welcome back, kiddo!
Anyway, the game: one of my major problems with it reared back up when I watched the Shingo trailer and was able to guess what the EX version of all his moves would do before I saw it. I've spoken about it previously, but there's just no surprises in this - it's a combo game, but to me it seems like there are very fixed routes you have to go down to Do the Big Combo and you're not really able to stray from them (also had this problem with XIV). XIII was a combo game too, but was more freeform, more experimental, more interesting - due in no small part to you being able to produce some real bullshit. I think games like this have to have a sufficient amount of truly stupid nonsense in them to be worth a damn. Look at Marvel 3! Any time I watch that game nowadays there's a solid chance that I'll see something I've never seen before, and I think that could probably happen in KOFXIII, and I think there's almost no chance of it happening in KOFXV. The whole thing just feels sterile to me, missing some vital spark. It doesn't help that it looks ugly to mine eyes, that there's something wholly unsatisfying about the animations, that character proportions are often freaky and alien (check out Ryo's Tetsuo Hara head to body ratio, and take a good look at Vanessa's fingers, it's fucked). The new characters do nothing for me, they didn't bring back Mian, the fucking weasels actually want you to pay extra for Kim. I dunno man, I just don't like this one. It's trite to say but 98 is better, so why would I waste the time? Let's play 98. If you haven't played 98, I really recommend playing 98, it's very cool and looks great and has a dope roster and is full of personality and dumb shit like the unblockable fireball glitch (love that one). Also the international subtitle is "The Slugfest", which is just so awesome. Try it!
Throwing this on again as I am a born sucker who needs to at least try Shingo in this game. He still rules, his VA still rules, I think his new outfit looks good, I'm glad you can still whiff cancel cr.D, I wish his proximity unblockable was still a DP motion and was also still a proximity unblockable instead of a command grab, I wish he still checked GameFAQs during his final bankai. About what I expected. Welcome back, kiddo!
Anyway, the game: one of my major problems with it reared back up when I watched the Shingo trailer and was able to guess what the EX version of all his moves would do before I saw it. I've spoken about it previously, but there's just no surprises in this - it's a combo game, but to me it seems like there are very fixed routes you have to go down to Do the Big Combo and you're not really able to stray from them (also had this problem with XIV). XIII was a combo game too, but was more freeform, more experimental, more interesting - due in no small part to you being able to produce some real bullshit. I think games like this have to have a sufficient amount of truly stupid nonsense in them to be worth a damn. Look at Marvel 3! Any time I watch that game nowadays there's a solid chance that I'll see something I've never seen before, and I think that could probably happen in KOFXIII, and I think there's almost no chance of it happening in KOFXV. The whole thing just feels sterile to me, missing some vital spark. It doesn't help that it looks ugly to mine eyes, that there's something wholly unsatisfying about the animations, that character proportions are often freaky and alien (check out Ryo's Tetsuo Hara head to body ratio, and take a good look at Vanessa's fingers, it's fucked). The new characters do nothing for me, they didn't bring back Mian, the fucking weasels actually want you to pay extra for Kim. I dunno man, I just don't like this one. It's trite to say but 98 is better, so why would I waste the time? Let's play 98. If you haven't played 98, I really recommend playing 98, it's very cool and looks great and has a dope roster and is full of personality and dumb shit like the unblockable fireball glitch (love that one). Also the international subtitle is "The Slugfest", which is just so awesome. Try it!