Harmonica
This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight. At first, it seems like a pretty decent game. A little different from the first in the series but, that's okay. Zelda II was different from the first, Mario 2 was different, but they were all good.
The first thing that's strikingly different is the fact that ya have to go through towns, talk to people, and buy stuff. I never really minded that, it makes it a little more like an adventure story, and it's kinda like Zelda, so that's okay. But the first problem comes in when it changes from day to night.
Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life, I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded.
And why do ya have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy (Simon Belmont) can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim? Sometimes I don't feel like goin' down the stairs just to get down to ground level. I mean, there's no reason I should have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump down. But oops! I shouldn't do that, there might be water down there.
Another thing that's really annoying about this game is the fact that ya have to buy weapons and items. I mean, still, that's not uncommon, you know like I said: that's the same thing ya have to do in many great games like Zelda, but, lemme explain.
Here ya have to collect hearts, which count as money; I mean, that's kinda odd, because usually hearts count as life or energy, y'know, so that's kinda strange. But, y'know that's not the point. The point is that the items you need to buy are too fuckin' expensive, and the hearts don't add up enough. It takes too long to get enough of them to buy something, and it gets boring wandering around killing the same monsters over and over again just so you can buy a Flame Whip or somethin'.
Speakin' of Flame Whip, that's pretty weird itself, isn't it? I mean, they were really being creative with that one, the flame whip.
Anyway, about the hearts. It takes too long to buy stuff. And, to add onto the problem, when you die, you lose all your hearts and ya have to start all over again. I mean, doing this doesn't add to any of the game's difficulty or challenge, it just makes us have to do more of the same monotonous stuff over again, and it's not fun, it's boring.
Oh look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp. Now let me get to the store. Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time. Now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. Oh shit, now I gotta start all over again.
One of the worst things in the game are the Pitfalls, which are areas where there's, like, stones or blocks that look like you could walk on them, but instead ya just fall through. It's impossible to tell where these spots are the first time walkin' through, so you just have to keep throwin' Holy Water all over to see where they are. It's retarded. Why should I have to do that? Again, it doesn't add up to any of the fun, y'know, challenge of the game. It's just unfair and it's annoying.
In the dungeons, there's no bosses at the end, which is a big disappointment. Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a level or a dungeon labyrinth, or whatever, there's always supposed to be a big guy who ya fight. But here, they just got lazy and only put a few bosses in the game and left some of the dungeons just empty like this one. So, most of the dungeons you go through (the mansions, to be exact), there's nothing at the end except for a crystal orb that ya can't touch.
In the rest of the Castlevania games, the tradition goes like this. You fight a boss, ya defeat him, then an orb comes down, and ya touch it. There you go, on to the next level. But in Castlevania II, how would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an Oak Stake at that orb? I mean, when you first get the Oak Stake you assume it's a weapon. And you throw it... only to find that it does absolutely nothing... and that you waste it by throwing it, so ya have to get it all over again.
There are parts in the game that are definitely not self-explanatory and are too hard to figure out. Take this dead end for example. Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? How? You have to kneel down by it for like ten seconds. Now still, that's not enough to make it so cryptic and hidden that we can't figure it out, "oh please, give us more for our buck and make it harder so we can wander around the whole game and exhaust every possibility before we find out". Okay. Guess what? You need to have a Red Crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes ya to the next part of the game.
Most of the townspeople have things to say which aren't important at all, so why do ya have to read 'em? Here in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give ya clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But when I find these books half the time, it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means that I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance.
Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is, "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How 'bout "vanquished this horrible GAME"?!
The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols ya enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean like, one of those little parts would be enough for a password, but why... four? Like, why so many?
In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, y'know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like y'know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me like five minutes to enter this code when it should only take like five seconds. It's friggin' stupid.
Okay. So, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if ya did, I feel bad for you.
I mean, first of all... there's no enemies in Dracula's castle. You just walk all the way through and the only obstacles are just, like, goin' up and down steps, which won't hurt you and they aren't challenging either. It's just tedious. I mean, what the hell's the point of going through the castle if there's no way to fight? Did the game designers just, like, run out of time or somethin'?
So then you get up to Dracula, and guess what? He doesn't look anything like Dracula. Instead, he looks like a Grim Reaper and he throws sickles. I mean, did the people who made this game even know what Dracula is? He's a fuckin' vampire.
Alright, on top of everything, Dracula's way too easy. Check this out. This is a trick that I discovered myself, and so could you without the help of any strategy guide. When Dracula first appears, he stands there for a while, and he gives you plenty of time to land lots of free hits. Not only does he stand there for a long time, but everything that hits him will stun him and give ya even more time.
Naturally, you'll probably be using the flames, because it's one of the most effective weapons in the game. But using it against Dracula, it makes it simply impossible for him to even do anything. He has no chance. The second you start throwin' that shit at him, you've already won. I mean, why is it that easy? Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?
What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that ya don't have to. So you should thank me for telling ya to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit. I mean... I know it's useless complaining about a game that was made back in the late '80s, or early '90s or whatever, but it just blows my mind how fuckin' horrible it is. I mean, it's consistently annoying.
Why? Why is it so bad? If all these problems were changed then we'd have a great trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but... history is history, and we might as well try to count Castlevania III as... y'know, the second in the series, and leave this awful piece of horse shit alone, as it stands today as one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time.
Thank you for listening, good night.
The ending sucks too.
The first thing that's strikingly different is the fact that ya have to go through towns, talk to people, and buy stuff. I never really minded that, it makes it a little more like an adventure story, and it's kinda like Zelda, so that's okay. But the first problem comes in when it changes from day to night.
Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life, I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded.
And why do ya have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy (Simon Belmont) can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim? Sometimes I don't feel like goin' down the stairs just to get down to ground level. I mean, there's no reason I should have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump down. But oops! I shouldn't do that, there might be water down there.
Another thing that's really annoying about this game is the fact that ya have to buy weapons and items. I mean, still, that's not uncommon, you know like I said: that's the same thing ya have to do in many great games like Zelda, but, lemme explain.
Here ya have to collect hearts, which count as money; I mean, that's kinda odd, because usually hearts count as life or energy, y'know, so that's kinda strange. But, y'know that's not the point. The point is that the items you need to buy are too fuckin' expensive, and the hearts don't add up enough. It takes too long to get enough of them to buy something, and it gets boring wandering around killing the same monsters over and over again just so you can buy a Flame Whip or somethin'.
Speakin' of Flame Whip, that's pretty weird itself, isn't it? I mean, they were really being creative with that one, the flame whip.
Anyway, about the hearts. It takes too long to buy stuff. And, to add onto the problem, when you die, you lose all your hearts and ya have to start all over again. I mean, doing this doesn't add to any of the game's difficulty or challenge, it just makes us have to do more of the same monotonous stuff over again, and it's not fun, it's boring.
Oh look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp. Now let me get to the store. Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time. Now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. Oh shit, now I gotta start all over again.
One of the worst things in the game are the Pitfalls, which are areas where there's, like, stones or blocks that look like you could walk on them, but instead ya just fall through. It's impossible to tell where these spots are the first time walkin' through, so you just have to keep throwin' Holy Water all over to see where they are. It's retarded. Why should I have to do that? Again, it doesn't add up to any of the fun, y'know, challenge of the game. It's just unfair and it's annoying.
In the dungeons, there's no bosses at the end, which is a big disappointment. Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a level or a dungeon labyrinth, or whatever, there's always supposed to be a big guy who ya fight. But here, they just got lazy and only put a few bosses in the game and left some of the dungeons just empty like this one. So, most of the dungeons you go through (the mansions, to be exact), there's nothing at the end except for a crystal orb that ya can't touch.
In the rest of the Castlevania games, the tradition goes like this. You fight a boss, ya defeat him, then an orb comes down, and ya touch it. There you go, on to the next level. But in Castlevania II, how would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an Oak Stake at that orb? I mean, when you first get the Oak Stake you assume it's a weapon. And you throw it... only to find that it does absolutely nothing... and that you waste it by throwing it, so ya have to get it all over again.
There are parts in the game that are definitely not self-explanatory and are too hard to figure out. Take this dead end for example. Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? How? You have to kneel down by it for like ten seconds. Now still, that's not enough to make it so cryptic and hidden that we can't figure it out, "oh please, give us more for our buck and make it harder so we can wander around the whole game and exhaust every possibility before we find out". Okay. Guess what? You need to have a Red Crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes ya to the next part of the game.
Most of the townspeople have things to say which aren't important at all, so why do ya have to read 'em? Here in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give ya clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But when I find these books half the time, it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means that I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance.
Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is, "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How 'bout "vanquished this horrible GAME"?!
The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols ya enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean like, one of those little parts would be enough for a password, but why... four? Like, why so many?
In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, y'know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like y'know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me like five minutes to enter this code when it should only take like five seconds. It's friggin' stupid.
Okay. So, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if ya did, I feel bad for you.
I mean, first of all... there's no enemies in Dracula's castle. You just walk all the way through and the only obstacles are just, like, goin' up and down steps, which won't hurt you and they aren't challenging either. It's just tedious. I mean, what the hell's the point of going through the castle if there's no way to fight? Did the game designers just, like, run out of time or somethin'?
So then you get up to Dracula, and guess what? He doesn't look anything like Dracula. Instead, he looks like a Grim Reaper and he throws sickles. I mean, did the people who made this game even know what Dracula is? He's a fuckin' vampire.
Alright, on top of everything, Dracula's way too easy. Check this out. This is a trick that I discovered myself, and so could you without the help of any strategy guide. When Dracula first appears, he stands there for a while, and he gives you plenty of time to land lots of free hits. Not only does he stand there for a long time, but everything that hits him will stun him and give ya even more time.
Naturally, you'll probably be using the flames, because it's one of the most effective weapons in the game. But using it against Dracula, it makes it simply impossible for him to even do anything. He has no chance. The second you start throwin' that shit at him, you've already won. I mean, why is it that easy? Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?
What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that ya don't have to. So you should thank me for telling ya to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit. I mean... I know it's useless complaining about a game that was made back in the late '80s, or early '90s or whatever, but it just blows my mind how fuckin' horrible it is. I mean, it's consistently annoying.
Why? Why is it so bad? If all these problems were changed then we'd have a great trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but... history is history, and we might as well try to count Castlevania III as... y'know, the second in the series, and leave this awful piece of horse shit alone, as it stands today as one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time.
Thank you for listening, good night.
The ending sucks too.
2023
...Did I play the same game as everyone else?
This game feels absolutely HORRIBLE to play. Everything feels like it does not work. Parrying is way too precise to use all the time, which would not be a bad thing if the fucking dodge did not work most of the time. I cannot count how many times that I perfectly hit dodge on time and the enemy STILL hits me. At first I was wondering that it was a skill issue, and I was really hoping it was, but nothing felt right. Attacking does not feel satisfying, animations on enemies feel incomplete like they're missing frames, making them even worse to fight, and the main way of avoiding attacks feeling like it doesn't work most of the time.
Also this game includes the worst thing about every Souls game that came out between Dark Souls 1 and Sekiro. You have to travel back to the main hub, talk to the level up waifu, and then travel back to where you were. Why? I know you're trying to imitate Bloodborne but you also don't need to imitate the bad things it did.
I really wanted to like this game, but the truth is I have not been this disappointed and pissed off with a game in a long time. And it sucks because this game does do things really well. The level design is decent and the weapon customization is amazing, but what does that mean when the game just feels like dogshit to play?
This game feels absolutely HORRIBLE to play. Everything feels like it does not work. Parrying is way too precise to use all the time, which would not be a bad thing if the fucking dodge did not work most of the time. I cannot count how many times that I perfectly hit dodge on time and the enemy STILL hits me. At first I was wondering that it was a skill issue, and I was really hoping it was, but nothing felt right. Attacking does not feel satisfying, animations on enemies feel incomplete like they're missing frames, making them even worse to fight, and the main way of avoiding attacks feeling like it doesn't work most of the time.
Also this game includes the worst thing about every Souls game that came out between Dark Souls 1 and Sekiro. You have to travel back to the main hub, talk to the level up waifu, and then travel back to where you were. Why? I know you're trying to imitate Bloodborne but you also don't need to imitate the bad things it did.
I really wanted to like this game, but the truth is I have not been this disappointed and pissed off with a game in a long time. And it sucks because this game does do things really well. The level design is decent and the weapon customization is amazing, but what does that mean when the game just feels like dogshit to play?
This game is a lot better than I thought it would be. I was expecting typical shovelware to laugh at but it's actually a half decent platformer. I cant believe Home Improvement actually got a playable game out of the sea of shitty TV and movie tie ins at the time.
Also real men don't need instructions.
Also real men don't need instructions.
2022
Game of the generation. More open world games need to feel like real worlds that don't waste your time.
You're telling me, a guy who made a game where you play as a high school anime girl going around killing other girls, ends up being a degenerate weirdo. This is like watching a movie and you saw the twist coming from the very beginning.
As a video game this is terrible, but it's fascinating playing it and reading into the mind of someone who's both a disgusting person and clueless on how to make a video game.
As a video game this is terrible, but it's fascinating playing it and reading into the mind of someone who's both a disgusting person and clueless on how to make a video game.
2015
I really tried finishing this game but I couldn't. The game tries way too hard to be disturbing to the point I don't think I've laughed harder at a game. Also the game is hard in the worst way possible so I can't even enjoy it as an ironically good game.
1989
A technical marvel for the time but aged worse than most games I've played. Hard to believe Daytona USA was only 5 years later.
2010
For the standards for an early 2010s flash game its decent but this isn't scary in the slightest compared to how YouTubers made it out to be.
2017
It's night and day how much better this is than Sonic 4 immediately after playing that. It's funny that they were in the same decade.
Might be even worse than episode 1. At least that game wasn't mentally draining to play.
why the fuck did I play these
why the fuck did I play these
I'm still blown by everyone defending this game at the time
Why in the actual fuck would you buy this if you're on PC. Get the original Battlefront 2 on Steam or GOG (it's less than a third of the price) and get the Battlefront 3 Legacy mod. It adds almost everything from the leaked BF3 build and is a much better experience.
The "I wish Sega won the console war" crowd is really quiet now.
Infinite Weath made me believe this game is a complete waste of time. Nothing in this game matters at all. A good final boss and ending does not make up for everything else this game does.
2005
I really hate this mindset that preferring the original Yakuza 1 and 2 over the Kiwami remakes is nothing but elitism.
I started playing this franchise when 0 came to PC in 2018. Even with that, I still prefer these versions of the games. These games have a unique grit to them that the Kiwami games do not capture well at all. For Kiwami 1 in particular, it feels more like 0 but worse and with less content more than a remake of this game. Worst part is that Sega is actively treating the Kiwami games as replacements instead of alternatives.
In terms of the game itself I think it mostly holds up well. Even without the ability to change the directions of combos it does not take long to get used to. Story is still entertaining with my only issue being Nishiki's sudden betrayal (the one thing Kiwami objectively did better).
If you can I do recommend starting with this game and the OG Yakuza 2 and go from release order from there, and playing 0 in between 5 and 6. You'll appreciate how the series naturally grows instead of starting with 0 (which is the best game in the series) then following up with the Kiwami games.
I started playing this franchise when 0 came to PC in 2018. Even with that, I still prefer these versions of the games. These games have a unique grit to them that the Kiwami games do not capture well at all. For Kiwami 1 in particular, it feels more like 0 but worse and with less content more than a remake of this game. Worst part is that Sega is actively treating the Kiwami games as replacements instead of alternatives.
In terms of the game itself I think it mostly holds up well. Even without the ability to change the directions of combos it does not take long to get used to. Story is still entertaining with my only issue being Nishiki's sudden betrayal (the one thing Kiwami objectively did better).
If you can I do recommend starting with this game and the OG Yakuza 2 and go from release order from there, and playing 0 in between 5 and 6. You'll appreciate how the series naturally grows instead of starting with 0 (which is the best game in the series) then following up with the Kiwami games.