Only on paper, Dead Cells main formula feel like a certain slam dunk: a combination of the maze like levels of metroidvanias with the rouge-likes mechanics of titles like Spelunky or Hades.
It cn be hard to combine these two aspects in a balanced and fun experience... good thing that the devs knew what they were doing.

Dead Cells is an extremely well put together title: hard at times like a lot of rogue likes, but extremely good in terms of gameplay, variety and replayability. The really creative level variety and simple but solid platforming merges perfectly with and incredible presentation and soundtrack.

To this you add an incredible set of crossovers that adds gameplay formulas reminiscent to Hollowknight, Castlevania, Shovel Knight and many other beloved games.

I will admit that I feel like the game is not an automatic 10/10. Some of the biomes like the Rampants create levels maybe too linear, and the fact that most of the opened routes like the Dilapidated Arboretum being locked behind DLC can feel like the base game is much smaller than it actually is.

But aside from these weird design decision, Ded cells is incredible: one of the best Indie rogue-likes on the market.

Alan Wake is a very special game for me. Along with the lesser-known Guns, Gore & Cannoli, it's what got me back into video games in 2020 after five 'wilderness years' where I thought I was done with this hobby. It brought me so much joy in a way that simply doesn't come when you're a habitual player. Far be it from me to claim it works for everyone, but I genuinely believe video games cured my depression, and Alan Wake was the game that started this return.

I could not have chosen a better game to get back into the hobby, because even non-gamers would find a lot to appreciate here. Alan Wake has an intriguing story, beautiful graphics and a kick-ass soundtrack. Also, its gameplay isn't very good. So it fulfills all the requirements for a classic survival horror title.

The first two words spoken in this game are 'Stephen King.' Alan Wake is a love letter to the campy, commercial horror that makes up so much of his work. There are shot-for-shot homages to his film adaptations, and the protagonist directly lampshades his knack for turning innocuous objects into horror stories. And just as with some of Stephen King's favourite heroes, the main character is an author. A tweed-suited author, unshaven and unassuming, who can't run three steps without running out of breath. He seems to be have written a story that is coming true, word for word. This gives us such brilliantly meta passages as, "He took out his hip flask when he reached the page that described how he reached the page that made him take out his hip flask." Sam Lake is a great writer himself.

It was an incredible feeling to explore this game's world, and remember how entertaining video games are - I'd forgotten. The chief gameplay gimmick is illumination - in the light you're safe, in the dark they get you. This makes every unlit spot in the game feel like a threat, and street lamps are safe havens. It's tense, and was even more so when I replayed this game because I accidentally selected Hard difficulty without realizing it. The gameplay isn't going to win any awards, however. Alan sucks at cardio, and for a game that heavily advertises Energizer batteries, all it taught me was that they can't even power a dinky torch for 5 seconds. It's a repetitive game, and vestiges of its scrapped open-world design still shine through in the nigh-pointless driving segments.

Yet it still brought me so much joy. The development team might not have known how to make movement feel good, or the gunplay satisfying, but they definitely knew how to create a moment. Fighting off dark demons with the power of heavy metal, fireworks exploding everywhere, is a memory I will treasure forever. Even the small things - the in-game TV programmes, the NPCs in the loony bin and the thermoses you pick up because Alan's body is 75% black coffee - they made me so happy. This re-ignited a video game addiction that has still to subside 4 years later. So thank you, Remedy, and thank you Sam Lake. Now do the face.

Has anyone who worked on this game ever actually walked on wooden floors before?? Every time these hulking masses of man meat entered a busted-up domestic structure, the foley of their boots stomping on hardwood completely dominated our entire living room as if it was a "bass boosted" YTP from days gone by. Floors don't sound like war drums, guys!

Anyhow uhhhhhhh pretty good co-op experience! The reload timing is cool, reviving is a nice alternative to respawning, campaign length is nice and tight, and I like way those deep voice enemies say "BOOM". Besides having Bongo Bongo from Ocarina of Time do the footstep sound design, my only real complaint is how frequently you reach a door, have a need to go through that door, and then have to wait for the door to be opened for you. I'm 500 pounds of surly beefcake and jagged metal, just let me through already!

Oh and I constantly forgot that Jack existed, it's like I had no object permanence for that weird little robot

Oracle of Ages is an intriguing game for the 2D series. Of the GBC duology, this is the one that has a greater focus on setting temples and puzzles with a higher degree of complexity, and also in making things a bit cryptic to be difficult to figure out, however, that's what makes it a memorable journey.

The main innovation of this title, is that unlike games that have in their title phrases like "A Link to the Past" or "Ocarina of Time", here there is a real time travel to the past involved, because in this game we will travel the lands of Labrynna through the present, but also from hundreds of years in the past. Traveling between both eras becomes something primordial and very entertaining that is very reminiscent of the parallel dimensions of the previously mentioned Super Nintendo game, and personally I have always liked that kind of games in which you have to travel in time to get things that do not exist in the other and vice versa, even some temples make use of this dynamic, and although at the beginning you start with certain restrictions to travel between eras, as you advance in the game you can travel in time with greater freedom.

The game is set in the kingdom of Labrynna, where the Oracle of Ages, Nayru, is located. However a sorceress named Veran ends up possessing her and traveling back in time to wreak havoc on the timeline and conquer the world, the usual. So this time we have to go through 8 temples traveling between two different times in order to obtain the 8 essences of time to rescue our friend Nayru.

Oracle of Seasons has probably one of the most intricate overworld map and temple designs, because figuring out what you have to do or where you have to go is not something you can deduce at first glance. In the beginning the game takes you by the hand, and certainly, it is a somewhat linear game. As you advance in your quest, things will get more and more complicated, so you'll have to have a lot of wit and a good memory to know what you need to do at certain points in the story. And as for the temples... these have a brilliant design, as the puzzles are quite "demanding" to say the least, as these feel like real logic challenges in which you will have to have a lot of patience if you don't want to lose your mind in the process, making this, more than an adventure game feel like one of puzzles because of the great emphasis given to this section, as even the bosses have their logic and many times you will have to think outside the box to solve the puzzles. This is especially noteworthy considering it's a 2D game for the Game Boy Color. The level design is on par with 3D games in terms of complexity. Take for example the water temple in this game, this one is equally or even more difficult than the water temple in Ocarina of Time.

As for the items you can get in the temples, these are not as new as in other games, since they are improved versions or with a little "twist" of items that we have already seen before. But one that I really liked is the replacement for the bow/sling shot, which is a seed shooter whose projectiles have the ability to bounce 2 times off the walls and is used to solve pretty good puzzles. The hook on this occasion works in a pretty cool way, as it swaps your position with the position of the grabbed object.

A section where this game takes inspiration from the N64 installments is in the mini-games, as there are many and each one is quite entertaining, although a bit difficult too. The most difficult one is when you get to the Goron region, it consists of a small memorization game that reminded me of my time when I played Brain Age, only here it's much more difficult because you have to follow a rhythm. I almost lost my mind trying to complete the highest level. I don't recommend doing it.

Conclusion
Oracle of Ages is fascinating without a doubt, although this ends up being like a double-edged sword, as it can result in some pretty frustrating moments being totally honest. But in the end, I'm left with the satisfaction I got from solving those puzzles and those "Eureka!" moments. I recommend playing this game without a guide, as it is something that is really worthwhile, even if there are many moments where you don't have even the tiniest idea of what you have to do.

Secret 2: -----------------aurith/list/--1/

← The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons - Review

Oracle of Seasons is a remarkable game for the 2D branch of the franchise. Of the pair of games released for the GBC, the focus of this one is towards a sense of adventure at its purest, setting simple puzzles to solve, but with sections focused on challenge and discovery, making it a highly enjoyable experience.

The novelty that distinguishes this title from the rest, is that here we will travel through a land in which the seasons have gone out of control, so that it can be winter, but from one moment to another can also be spring, summer or autumn, which is not only an aesthetic change for the map, for example, in winter there can be a mountain of snow or frozen rivers, which we can take advantage of to reach places that otherwise would be impossible to reach, but in summer for example, vines grow on some cliffs which allows us to climb them. It's an idea that although not as ambitious as the parallel worlds of A Link to the Past, it's still pretty cool for making exploration more entertaining and interesting, not to mention that exploring Holodrum in different climates/states of the year has its charm. I feel this in turn is also a creative way to expose the difference it makes to have color in a game versus not having it, as in the original GB a concept like this would have been somewhat impossible to execute just having the green/gray scale.

This game takes place in the kingdom of Holodrum, where Din lives, the oracle of the seasons, but after an event is kidnapped and thus the different seasons of the year lose control, so it will be our duty to get the 8 essences of nature of the 8 temples scattered around the kingdom to rescue Din.

The temples generally present a very good and creative design, almost always being quite intuitive for the player, mostly with simple puzzles, but that are still quite entertaining and will require from your part a little ingenuity to be solved, presenting this game also some pretty cool items that have become some of my favorites, such as the magnetic gloves. I especially like the fact how in this game hearts do matter, as unlike most Zelda games, the enemies and boss battles can be a bit challenging, not that it's a difficult game, but if you get overconfident you could end up seeing the Game Over screen on more than one occasion.

Something I love is that the exploration and discovery factor of the early Zelda games is very present in this title. It pays to be curious and attentive, as many times some puzzles or secrets are revealed when we go to a place with a certain season. There are a lot of references to the first Zelda game, like some of the temples, bosses or even some caves with old people inside that have strange dialogues and sometimes can be tremendous trolls, and curiously, there are also references and inspiration from games like Mega Man, which we can notice especially in those 2D platforming type sections. If you played Mega Man X, the final boss will look familiar.

Conclusion
It's certainly a game with a very good design and pacing, it never feels boring, and the mechanics of switching between seasons made the mere fact of exploring more engaging. If you're wondering where the inspiration from the Mega Man games and the references to the first game in the franchise came from, it's because this game was made by Capcom, and started out being developed as a remake of the first title, but then evolved into a completely different game, and in retrospect, I think it was for the best, as it has become one of my favorites.

Secret 1: backloggd.com/u/M----------------

→ The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages - Review

i have never really consumed any mikudia (miku media) or really any vocaloid music in general, but when i saw this get announced, i was so hype. this was essentially my reaction.

she's really funnnn!! she's got a very unique playstyle and it's really quite enjoyable to have another character on the roster that doesn't make my blood pressure way too high. this shit make me feel like im playin checkers! for a long time i would play this game with the sole purpose of doing the next most difficult thing i could. once i beat all the other characters and aria, i was like okay, now i guess i have to start practicing for an all characters run. but then, of course, the character i would need to practice the most would be aria, so then i'd just keep practicing aria forever and become really really sad.

miku is the cure!!! i haven't played this game in a good while (probably since around the time synchrony came out in EA) but it's so refreshing to play something new and fresh again in this game i love dearly. she's a little difficult to get used to, but essentially plays like an even more chaotic version of suzu, which is really fun. she's got her little leek and her outfits are so damn cute!!! i pick up leather armor and normally id be like oh wow,, yay,, 0.5 defense,,, but now im like yayy cute miku outfit!! the sounds she makes when you get hurt or die make me feel like i am the worst person on earth and i am so sorry miku,, im sorry i couldn't play better for you,,,

the music is really fun and fits the game pretty well! there's not really parity with what zones they're in, but i don't think it really matters. i have a minor gripe with some of the songs from a gameplay perspective, but it's just that: minor. a couple of the songs start without a solid downbeat rhythm and are semi quiet, so i feel a little frantic for the first bar or so, but you can totally still find the beat and leek the fuck outta skeletons and ghouls and shit. maybe this dlc made me into a miku fan?? idk. pretty fun stuff.

for just TWO (two) American MikuBucks™, Crypt of the NecroDancer: Hatsune Miku (2024) is a slammer jammer, and you should play it if you like CotN and are at least just a little partial to vocaloid tunes.

A 3D coloring book with the least functional multiplayer I’ve ever experienced in a video game.

The basic gameplay loop of Powerwash Sim is more fun and relaxing than I thought it would be. It’s a pretty zen and satisfying experience to clean a bunch of dirt off stuff. This experience would be made even better by doing it with friends, yet I cannot think of a better multiplayer game that is so uninterested in being a multiplayer game.

I have never, in my life, played a video game with such poorly made or optimized multiplayer as the multiplayer in Powerwash Simulator. I was floored with how bad it is. Firstly, progress is only tracked for the host. So if you’re hoping to play through the campaign with a friend, you’ll have to accept that you won’t unlock anything or progress your own game. The game is built as a single player experience first.

Let’s say you do decide to do one of the bonus missions with a group of friends. Good luck getting the gang together. It took us 30 minutes just to get all 4 of us into one game thanks to frequent connection issues coupled with offensively long loading screens. Once you do get in the game together, prepare to deal with obscene lag and sync issues. Throughout the game, you and your friends’ games will slowly get more and more out-of-sync. In their game, they’d see us cleaning a spot that we cleaned 15-20 minutes prior. By the end of our mission, my friends were over 25 minutes behind my game. I got the “Mission Complete” screen and we sat there for 20 minutes waiting for their games to catch up before getting bored and quitting.

This feels maybe nitpicky, but it would be cool if the game actually had some physics to it other than the water and dirt physics. I was a bit disappointed to find that the entire environment is basically a rendered static space. Anything you might expect would move like flowers, grass, windmills, etc, doesn’t. It’s a 3D coloring book and nothing more.

To add insult to injury, they keep dropping new content for the game while ignoring the issues that have been plaguing the game since launch. There are Reddit posts that are 2 years old complaining about the same issues we’re experiencing now. Fix your broken-ass game before adding Spongebob Squarepants to it.

If you want a game to play alone while you listen to a podcast or zone out, I’m sure Powerwash Simulator will do just fine, but I was pretty disappointed with how poorly-made the game was overall. It would be such a cool multiplayer experience to hang and clean with friends. Sadly, the multiplayer is genuinely the worst-made multiplayer I’ve ever experienced in a video game both in functionality and in optimization.

+ Cleaning can feel satisfying I guess
+ Probably a good podcast game or something

- Environments are static and lack any physics. It’s basically a 3D coloring book
- The most poorly-made, poorly-optimized multiplayer of all time. Don’t even bother
- UI controls on console are quite bad
- Can get tedious
- Finding the last 1% to finish a level or trying to find the tiniest dirt spec on a small part sucks
- Devs keep dropping new content while ignoring the bugs plaguing the game

A choose-your-own-adventure-like about running border patrol for a fantasy city where the joy is in the journey and the choices you make along the way.

In Lil Guardsman, you play as a 12-year-old girl working your dad’s shift at the city’s guard shack. You’re basically ye olde immigration officer and you need to decide who to let in, deny, or throw in jail using a bunch of tools to interrogate people. Depending on which tools and interactions you use, and what you decide to do with the people, your outcome will be completely different. Some levels I replayed 4-5 times and was able to see new dialogue every time. My only gripe with the game is that it grades you based on how “well” you performed during these interactions. It’s tricky because the game is built in such a way that encourages experimenting and trying weird stuff to see multiple results, but then it penalizes you if you make the wrong choices which sometimes works against my desire to tell my own wacky tale. The story framing for this is that you are an employee of the city and they’re grading you based on your performance before paying you accordingly. It all makes sense in the scope of the story; I just sometimes wish I had a little more freedom to mess around. Thankfully, there’s always more than one way to get good marks from your employer so it doesn’t ever shove you into a box.

Throughout the story, you’ll make a number of choices that often feel monumental in how you are shaping the lives of the people in the city, only to realize that every ending is, more or less, the same based on a couple of critical choices. Much like almost any “your decision matters” choice-based games like Mass Effect, Life is Strange, the Telltale games, or a number of other titles, you really need to embrace the logic of “it’s about the journey not the destination”. I played this with a group for Book Club For Games and, yes, most of our endings were extremely similar, but every single one of us had totally different choices and experiences along the way, so all of our stories felt different despite our similar endings.

The real star of Lil Guardsman is the writing - ranging from heartfelt to hilarious, while throwing in the occasional commentary and 4th-wall-breaking joke. At its most basic, reduced form, Lil Guardsman is just a choose-your-own-adventure game, but it excels at what it does because of the writing. I cared about the characters and their silly little politics, and often found myself laughing out loud at the jokes. If you’re able to sit back and enjoy the chaotic ride of playing a 12-year-old girl who has way more responsibility than she should, I think you’ll really enjoy Lil Guardsman.

+ Writing is consistently fun, witty, and often quite funny with great characters
+ Fun variety in dialogue that encourages replaying some sections here and there
+ Impressive amount of consideration had to go into every possible choice and bit of dialogue that results from those choices
+ Great voice acting

- Getting judged on your choices sometimes feels antithetical to the spirit of making your own choices
- No mid-level saves means restarting the whole chapter if your game crashes
- Having to replay the second half of the game 4 times to get all the trophies when there’s not that much variety in said endings sucks

This is what they were crunching for?

The Callisto Protocol is a man drowning. He’s been swept out by the tides deeper than he can swim, and now I feel compelled to go and be the one who drags him back to shore. I’m not looking forward to it as I swim out there. This always ends badly. I know he’ll kick, and flail, and panic, and drag me under with him. But something compels me. I dip beneath the waves, gliding on the current. Every kick is met only with more water, never ground; it’s been a while since either of us has been able to touch bottom. I get to the man. All of the dread that I felt swimming up to him — the growing pit in my stomach warning me that he’d kill us both — fades as I get a hold of him. He’s calm. He doesn’t fight. He wants to be rescued, and he's coherent enough to tell me as much. So much worry on my end, and for nothing. We’re both going home, and my doubts were unfounded. The two of us make our way back to the shallows, and my heart swells. Nobody’s gonna believe this. I get to be the one who brings back the guy that everyone thought couldn't be saved.

We make it from the depths to a point where the ocean reaches our shins, at which point the man panics and submerges my head in about two feet of water until we both die. I knew I should have let the fucker drown.

What we’re looking at here is a bad start that leads into a remarkably strong middle, hitting an impressive stride just in time to trip and break both legs three hours before the finish line. But that middle section is good. It’s really good. It’s so good that I was ready to come in here and lord a massively inflated score over the heads of all of the doubters who didn’t get it. Reality hits hard when it hits, though, and there’s no denying that The Callisto Protocol just runs out at the end. It runs out of ideas, it runs out of money, it runs out of employee morale — it runs dry and it runs empty until the engine shears itself in half.

This is pretty, but a game "being pretty" hasn't impressed me for fifteen years now. Everything since the early-mid 2010s has given me this shrug-your-shoulders feeling of "yeah, I guess it looks good" and spurred little in me beyond that. I know it's a tired truism to trot out — "art direction is more important that graphical fidelity!", as if we don't all know that already — but even games from that era that were trying to look as realistic as the latest titles don't read as being all that different to me today. Honestly, I think the face-scan mocap shit that's everywhere in AAA games these days looks kind of bad; they're all sitting deep in that uncanny valley where everyone's head looks like it's got a video of the actor's face wrapped around it. Even with (perhaps due to an overreliance upon) all of the tech in place, some of these animations look incredibly bad. Here's a shot of Josh Duhamel's character screaming in agony as he gets an implant stuffed in his neck that hurts so bad that he has a heart attack and dies. It's silly. This is not an expression of pain. He's making a YouTube thumbnail face. Fuck, the source of that image is a YouTube thumbnail.

So, yes, this is all very technically impressive, but in practice it's all just bloom and haze and fog and I can't fucking see any of it because someone turned all the lights off. None of this sparks joy. Everything is gray and bland and devoid of life. There's nothing that even remotely scratches at iconic Dead Space setpieces like the Church of Unitology or the cryopod rooms, because the art direction on display is kind of shit. It's a just-so approximation of enough of Dead Space's elements to provoke familiarity, but it's off in a way that betrays the fact that Visceral was a team made up of a lot more people than just Glen Schofield. He isn't Visceral, and this isn't a spiritual successor to Dead Space. It's a spiritual regression.

But as desperately as this wants to stay latched to the teat of Dead Space, it isn't open to those who want the game to be Dead Space. This is a melee-focused system based around dodging, combos, and environment kills; Dead Space is a shooter based around positioning, dismemberment, and, uh, also environment kills. You've gotta meet The Callisto Protocol on its own terms; playing it like Dead Space is a losing position. You should be doing this for everything you consume, by the way. Don't try and cram a work you don't like into a box that doesn't fit it. Play the game that they designed, not the one you wish they'd designed. It took a little readjusting over the course of the entire opening hour of The Callisto Protocol, but I eventually came to understand what it was going for, how it wanted to be played. And I liked it.

Actually, I really liked it.

Combat is simple, but raw enough to be really satisfying once you get the loops figured out. Each fight will take place either as a gauntlet of enemies that pour out one after the other, or as group battles where you'll be caught between three or four monsters at a time. It's a game of dodging, waiting out the combos, finding an opportunity to strike, and then going all-out until you're forced to stop. Weave around a three-hit combo, dole out one of your own that takes the arm off of a monster, get whipped around by another, block his strike, take his legs out, get shoved, pop one with the new space you've been given; it's a wonderful little system that isn't hard to come to grips with, but is punishing enough to mean that eating a bad hit or two will send you back to your last checkpoint. The added complexity comes in the form of your GRP (pronounced as "grip") and your guns, though you'll be rocking with the starting magnum for the vast majority of the game. The GRP can pick up enemies and hazards to toss them around, and your guns are your combo enders. You can also open with gunfire if you've got some distance on the monsters; they've gotta come to you, so you can filter a group down a chokepoint and take one of them out before you're forced to rely on the melee to take you the rest of the way. Combo-ender gunshots can sever limbs, decapitate enemies, force staggers to open up rushdown opportunities, and generally just act as a major force-multiplier to make sure a crowd of monsters is never unmanageable. If you're thinking that this sounds like it's not really a system primed for a horror game, you'd be right. The Callisto Protocol sucks dick at being a horror game. As an action game, though — much like big brother Dead Space — I thought it was great.

Eventually, you'll progress to a point in the narrative where hitting the monsters for long enough will make worms rupture from their body. These worms need to be shot within a fairly tight window of time, or else they'll cause the monster in question to undergo a transformation that makes them bigger, stronger, and faster. You really do not want to let the worms make the monsters evolve. In theory, this is an interesting escalation — you can't afford to drag fights out the way that you could earlier — but as we've seen throughout this write-up, theory is distinct from practice.

In practice, the worms will always erupt from the same place; the generic guys who smack you around will have them erupt from their guts, and the spitters will have them erupt from their heads. These are the primary enemy types that you'll be fighting against for the overwhelming majority of your playthrough, so combat encounters go from frenetic punch-ups where you're desperately trying to make the right call to something that's solved by a flowchart: three or four hits always followed by a gut shot or a head shot, rinse and repeat. There's basically no reason to ever open up by firing your gun now that enemies can heal by evolving, which leaves you the options to fling the enemies with your gravity glove and hurt them a little bit, or to swing at them with the baton. The baton expends no resources, is fast, is always guaranteed to connect, is a safe option, and will open up enemies for the instakill gut/head shot in no time at all. So many tools, and no reason to use any of them besides the fucking stick. Everything was useful only two hours prior, so being boxed in to what's obviously an optimal strategy to repeat on every single monster serves only to squander a system that was working just fine before.

Where things really fall apart, however, is in the third act. Jacob, our protagonist, falls down a gutter or some shit into an underground area where all of the enemies are blind. They've got super-hearing, but they can't see. Firing a shot or swinging at one with your baton may as well spare you the ceremony of kicking off a fight and just reload your checkpoint the second you press the button; you'll get swarmed by too many monsters to deal with, and they'll chew through every resource you have before they kill you. What you have to do instead is pull a page from Joel Thelastofus's book and crouch-walk around while shivving these clicker expys to death. Unlike in The Last of Us, however, the shiv that you get has infinite uses, meaning that you can very easily just crouch-walk around and kill everything without alerting a single enemy. This is optimal. They don't hear you shivving them, even as Jacob grunts and growls and the monsters gurgle and shriek, and there's no reason to sneak past them; they still drop ammo and money and health packs just the same as everything else. If you could just blast your way through this section, it'd be over in thirty minutes; instead, you have to play the most boring stealth section ever devised by human hands and it takes upwards of two and a half hours.

You get back to the regular action combat in time for the game to end, but the damage is more than done at that point. You fight the exact same boss four times in the span of an hour, and his pattern is literally just doing right-hand swings. You hold left on the control stick and auto-dodge everything while shooting him once per dodge. It's so boring. I knew while I was going through the ridiculously long stealth segment that they were padding for time, but repeating the same boss fight four fucking times really gives it away to anyone who wasn't paying attention that they were running on empty. I went from itching for more in the middle act to wishing it would just hurry up and end by the start of the finale.

Jacob gets to the escape pods, meets a zombie warden who's managed to keep his personality (generic asshole), and then the zombie warden does the Resident Evil boss thing where he talks about having superior genetics and then turns into a big meat monster with glowing orange eyeball weakpoints. I'll take the opportunity now to point out that this game was written by two people. The lead writer has never worked on anything else in his entire life. There were five times as many employees dedicated to the face scanning as there were on the writing team. Remember that the facescanning looks like shit, so adjust your expectations for the quality of the writing accordingly. Whatever. Nobody was ever playing this for the story. It's still a weird choice for a game like this, though; with everything being told to you through audio logs and exposition from characters who have a clue what's going on, you'd think you'd want more hands on deck. Then again, the only thing anyone ever seems to say is "Jacob, go to [the place], I'll explain later", so you probably don't need to put too much effort into putting that together.

But my mind keeps wandering back to the thought that the people at Striking Distance were working twelve hour days, seven days a week — and for what? What about The Callisto Protocol demanded such brutal hours for such a long stretch of development? I can't find anything in the time leading up to the game's release that would indicate what was sucking up so many resources; all I've come up with are some vague gestures towards "new lighting techniques" and "haptic feedback", all incidentals that barely add much of anything to a work that's remarkably standard. This cost $160 million to Dead Space 2's 60 million and it looks and plays worse.

There’s an excellent game within The Callisto Protocol, and one that I imagine would have been able to flourish if made under the banner of someone who actually had a clue. Literally all it takes to turn this from mediocre to great is a better manager. Talented people were overworked and underpaid to make something that broadly isn’t good, but shines in parts; had they been treated properly and overseen by a real leader instead of an MBA meathead who stepped down the second shit got hot, they would have made something that could actually eat Dead Space’s lunch. Instead, we got this, and it’s begging for Dead Space’s scraps.

Glen Schofield can go fuck himself.

Papers, Please meets.....Monkey Island? Lil' Guardsman is a super charming, well written game. It's got some flaws with the gameplay loop that drag it down a bit, but overall, this game is able to get passed those issues without problem.

Some of the decisions you have to make feel incredibly arbitrary. Mixed with the grading system the game features, it can be a lil' head scratching with some of the decisions it wants you to make in order to get a perfect grading.

Luckily the game features a pretty forgiving rewind system so you can replay some of these areas without having to do a full playthrough.

It's relatively short for a single playthrough so the flaws and nitpicks are all manageable. Those things aside, Lil' Guardsman is well worth your time if you're looking for something with a ton of offbeat personality and charm.

I had no sword at all for two and a half hours.

I eventually found Biggoron's Sword on sale for 15 Rupees in the Goron City shop as Adult Link. However, as an incredibly frustrated young Alex learned in 1999, you cannot defeat Ganon in Ocarina of Time with the Biggoron Sword. In order to finish the game, the final blow must come from the Master Sword.

During my first playthrough of this (or any) randomizer, the Master Sword was the very last item that I found. This is what it took for me to find it:

• Both the Master Sword and the Kokiri Sword were in the Fire Temple in optional chests, with the Master Sword's chest requiring the Scarecrow Song to reach it. But I couldn't get to either of those without access to the Megaton Hammer, as the room to the left of the Temple entrance where you encounter Darunia had no keys in it. (The key to the door on the right side of the entry hall turned out to be in the Boss Key chest)

• The Hammer was in the Gerudo Training Grounds, where I was gated by my lack of Hover Boots.

• The Hover Boots were in Jabu-Jabu's belly in place of the Zora's Sapphire, and I couldn't complete that section without the Boomerang.

• The Boomerang was in the Castle Town moat in place of the Ocarina of Time, but I needed the 3 Spiritual Stones before Zelda would chuck it in there.

• The Kokiri Emerald was in one of the Gibdo coffins in the Bottom of the Well, so I needed the Lens of Truth to discover that.

• And the Lens of Truth was sold by a Business Scrub in Dodongo's Cavern. I got a good deal though, it was only 10 rupees!

Obviously, I had no idea where the Master Sword would be, so this wasn't a plan or a list of instructions I followed, it's just how things shook out. And I had a great time! I used Ship of Harkinian's randomizer, and there are some fantastic options that made the constant back-and-forth scouring of Hyrule more feasible. The most useful ones were unbreakable Deku Sticks (absolutely critical since I didn't find a sword for a while), changing Link's age with the Song of Time, Bunny Hood increasing speed like in Majora's Mask, and ageless items (allowing Young Link to use the Hookshot, for example). I was incredibly impressed with Ship of Harkinian as a whole, and will definitely put more playthroughs into that, randomized or not.

Chicory tries to meld the coziness of Animal Crossing with the action and adventure of Zelda. There are towns to visit, characters to chat with, and portraits to paint; likewise, there are dungeons to delve through and bosses to battle. It sounds great, and in some ways it is, but unfortunately there are a few niggles that dampen the proceedings.

Let's start with the story and characters. The main characters are a highlight -- the dynamic between the protagonist and Chicory is one of the best parts of the game. Both characters have clear motivations and distinct personalities, and their conversations flow between topics like friendship, confidence, and artistry with ease. Reading their conversations is always a joy.

As for the other NPCs, my feelings are mixed. They're all fun and quirky, but I rarely felt engaged when chatting with them. They'd tell me about their problems, or thank me for painting their houses, or talk about what they'd had for lunch, and I'd simply nod my head and wonder how soon I could get back to the main crux of the adventure.

The adventure itself is also one of ups and downs. Exploring the map is fun, and the game offers up plenty of clever puzzles to solve, both mandatory and optional. If you've played a Zelda game, you can expect puzzles in that vein, although often with unique painting-centric twists.

The bosses, on the other hand, were frustrating. Because there are no Game Overs in Chicory, the bosses aren't difficult in the traditional sense, but they do take a lot of hits to bring down. Although the battles look intense, knowing you can't lose drains them of any sense of tension. Just keep swiping with your brush and you'll win eventually.

While I appreciate the story and I'm glad that Chicory exists, for me it feels a bit too at odds with itself. It has an abundance of cute characters but 90% of them have nothing interesting to say; it's a Zelda-like adventure but with boss battles that feel less tense and more tedious. The result is still a strong game, but one that could've been even stronger if it had cut a bit of fat and doubled down on what it does well.