This might be the first game that truly captures the essence of getting beaten up in a dilapidated public restroom.

The most striking thing about this game (aside from the thousands of face-punches) is the dark tone. It's menacing and gritty without including any "adults only" content - no blood, gore, drugs, or sexual innuendo. The awkwardly named slum boss ("Damn'd") made me shudder when I first saw him in the arcade, and his laugh was pulled straight out of the uncanny valley. If you get a game over, your character is shown bound and trying to blow out the wick for a pack of dynamite. I mean, this is manipulative, but it's also darkly hilarious. I wonder how many quarters that continue screen earned them...

I love the character designs. Cody's Jean Claude Van Damme physique and stone-washed jeans, Haggar's WWF tree trunk arms; 80s action perfection. Katana, the subway boss, is a sword-wielding weaboo. On the West Side, you meet an angry cop who freaks out and starts shooting at you, killing his own minions in the process. So many more.

Side note: I think the first thing every kid did when they met the cop was to see if you can eat the disgusting wad of gum he spits out. You can, and I appreciate you, Capcom.

My friend Eric bet me that he could beat me in the clay pigeons mode. He kept cheating and getting closer to the screen but when I called him on it he was like "No, I'm just aiming, I'm just aiming!" and I was like, I'm not an idiot, Eric, you're not fooling anyone. So I started doing the same thing, but then he told his Mom that I was the one cheating! And then Eric's Mom said Eric can put the Zapper closer because he has longer arms, it's like a basketball player being taller than other players. So we played with Eric cheating and I won anyways and he kept saying stuff like "well I'd rather lose Duck Hunt than not have a Dad" and "I bet you just play Duck Hunt your whole life, that's why you have no Dad" and I'm confused because my Dad's at home and he's fine. Eric's current relationship status is Divorced.

Leans heavily into secrets and hidden stuff, and it lived up to the hype, which is rare. Some things:
-There's a frog suit with big ole frog eyes on top and Mario hops around like a frog
-You can get a green wind up shoe and Mario hops around in the shoe and I yelled out loud the first time I got it
-There are Koopa Kids and one of the Kids has a rainbow mohawk and another one wears sunglasses
-There's a world of big and everything in this world is bigger than in other worlds
-This is a spectacular game

In an alternate universe, Donkey Kong 3 and Stanley the Bug Man skyrocket in popularity instead of the series' first entry. Soon after this game, we're introduced to Stanley's brother, Eugene, in 1984's "Stanley Bros". In 1986, "Super Stanley Bros" solidifies Stanley as Nintendo's mascot, who proceeds to star in the classic titles "Super Stanley World", "Super Stanley Sunshine", and "Super Stanley Odyssey". Donkey Kong becomes known for releasing hostile insects rather than barrels, leading to a significantly different version of "Donkey Kong Country".

I'm glad Nintendo continued to support the series even though this one is mostly a goober. I could never figure this game out as a kid and only finished long after I played Super Metroid. With the notable exception of Tourian, it's pretty bad:
-Jumping and walking feels like a bad Atari game
-The graphics seem kinda low-effort (the Ridley sprite is pretty funny though)
-So many of the corridors looks similar or identical. It's difficult to figure out where you are if you don't track yourself on a paper map
-Combat is mediocre for an NES game, and the Kraid and Ridley boss fights are meh
-To change weapons (between ice and wave beam, e.g.), you have to travel back to the Chozos where you originally got those weapons
-Despite the bad stuff, the soundtrack is varied and full of bangers

Tourian is the exception to most of these problems. Fighting Metroids is thrilling, the Mother Brain fight is innovative, and the game becomes FUN. Even the appearance of the game seems to get a boost here. The reveal in the epilogue should also be noted as creative and progressive at the time (creative in the sense that there was anything to reveal about the protagonist at all after the game is over).

Probably not worth playing, but I'm glad this game was made.

I'd give this game a 4 for each individual aspect (platforming, exploration, combat) but the integration and packaging of the content are so good, it's slightly better that the sum of its parts. Most of the combat and traversal abilities feel useful, and many evoke that Super Metroid-y, gleeful feeling that you'll finally be able to access that new area, grab that item, or beat that boss. The end-game challenges, reminiscent of Wiley's fortress and boss rushes after Megaman has fully self-actualized, were the highlight. Boss rushes in particular were fun to dissect and master. I found uses for some charms I had written off as "not my style" to counter some of the unconventional boss mechanics. My only gripes:
-The repeated backtracking. I get it - a fast-travel mechanic that's too liberal can erase the environment, but this was excessive.
-Some of the charms seemed worthless, even after strategizing for boss, combat, and platforming rushes.
-In the name of decency and civility, make geo-sucking ability automatic.

In Kakariko village, there's an elderly gentleman who punishes you for treading on his property by forcing you to listen to tedious schpiel. So the developers understand that dull, pointless interruptions are the opposite of fun. Why, then, are they punishing me every time I FIND, ENTER, and COMPLETE a shrine? Every time I get a stat upgrade? Talk to a stable proprietor? Activate a lightroot? Complete any phase of a labyrinth or temple? Find or use a skyview tower? It's a good game, but Jeez Luise! This coulda been a 4, easy.

I admire games featuring villains with no-nonsense names like Deathtoll. This game is everything a SNES RPG should be - charming, fun to play, gorgeous, and equipped with a bangin' ost full of bass guitar and strings. This game was also on the early end of the "save NPCs in the battlefield and send them home" mechanic, and it's executed well. The more folks you save, the more stuff you unlock and more junk you get. It's not widely implemented, but when it is (Dark Cloud, Dark Souls) it's delightful. Heck, I think Souls borrowed the "painted world" trope from this game as well (I'll never get Dr. Leo's painting theme out of my head). Combat does get a little monotonous, but this game is still a classic.

Ocarina of Time with a Junji Ito injection and a smattering of yurei. This game blends lighthearted adventure with surrealism and creepy humor. I know that's vague, but how else do you describe a side quest involving a mysterious disembodied hand emerging from a toilet spookfully asking for tissue? I wouldn't say MM is in the psychological horror genre, but it definitely dips its toe into those waters, and does so effectively.

The game is hard. You'll probably die, and world will probably explode a few times. It can be quite a setback to progress you've made, which builds immense tension when you're coming close to the end of the cycle in a dungeon. If you fail, you've probably learned enough to save a bunch of time on your next attempt, but the sense of urgency is always with you.

This game is more of a struggle than all the other Zelda games I've played, but it's the most creative, the most unique, and therefore super rewarding. Like others have said, it's hard to believe this thing got made, but I'm grateful that it was. And c'mon, where would the Zelda series be today without Tingle, jeez.