Now that I've had some time to marinate on my feelings and be forced to acknowledge whether or not they are legitimate, I can confirm that yes, this is a fantastic game. I could preach on about how awful the performance and constant visual bugs are, but doing so would mean putting far more weight into something which didn't actually matter to me. Yes, the game is a poorly optimized mess. Yes, the fact that it released in it's clearly unfinished state is nothing short of an embarrassment, and GameFreak deserves all the bad PR it got because of how poorly cobbled together their $60 game was. In a perfect world, GameFreak would've prioritized polish over arbitrary deadlines, but we are dealing with the video games industry, and for every title that releases as complete as, say, Elden Ring, we can expect 15 individual AAA releases to shit the bed.

All that aside, I have to acknowledge I am part of the issue. I love these games, and was still willing to buy them at full price after the uninspired debacle that was Sword/Shield. But Pokémon Violet shows the same thing Pokémon Legends does, and that is that the formula of catching, training, evolving, and battling with all sorts of different Pokémon is hard to fuck up. The actual developers, limited in time and resources as they are, are still very talented and creative when they get the chance to put their ideas forward. This is seriously one of the best uses of the classic formula yet.

While it takes a step back from Legends in regards to pure efficiency, this open world is far more engaging and well-realized than Legends. The world is fully connected, as opposed to you having to choose different zones. from a world map. The pointless space which plagued Legends is still here, unfortunately, but it's offset by the sheer abundance of Pokémon to catch, as well as a decent chunk of trainers to fight if you please. As you progress through the game, you will unlock different mobility upgrades which allow you to seek more of the world, and this is also done better, as it sends you darting back and forth through it's world, allowing you to slowly open each individual segment. This does create some issue, as you can very easily miss the intended path, and there are no efforts to scale the difficulty with your level. But I don't think the game is ever particularly challenging to begin with. The main stories in these games have never been where the legitimate challenge lay since the very beginning, so messing up the order of events and not having optimum balance is more of a franchise-wide issue than one exclusive to this generation.

It does lose out on some things, like battles no longer being as quick as they were in Arceus. Load times between attacks takes some getting used to, and it never really gets to the point of being unnoticeable. You also can no longer move away from battles, which takes away the best thing Legends did, which was letting you escape without touching a single menu button. And since Pokemon are scaled to legitimate size, you can end up getting into a number of encounters you have no desire to be in. This wasn't a big deal in Legends, and it's still not a big deal here, but it's a bigger deal now than it used to be and it feels a bit unnecessary, y'know. However, I would take these issues over the abysmal inventory management from Legends, but actual good video games, like Elden Ring, don't have any of these issues.

I'm also glad they tried to write a fun story. Like, it's not amazing and is still very silly and made for children, but holy shit, I actually felt invested in the plot toward the end. It was paced horribly since most of the notable events occur in the final part of the main story, but it's neat to feel engaged regardless. I could probably drone on more about hyper-specific things I liked and didn't like, but I definitely don't want to do that right now. Maybe later, but probably never. 5/6

There's so much I need to say about this game in order to give it an accurate assessment, but the gist is that a number of gameplay changes kinda suck and Blizzard's approach to balancing what they have is fucking baffling. Fortunately, the game's core mechanics are still great and the movement is even better than it was in the first game, especially now that tanks have more survivability on their own. I'm sure the write-up I eventually do for my list will be far more intensive, but I'll leave it here for now. Quite disappointing, but can't say it's all too shocking given how much I've soured on the game and Blizzard's inability to balance over the years. Despite all that, it's still fun most of the time somehow. 4/6

This was mindlessly addicting for about a week. It's fun to watch your character go from a weakling to a God-destroying monster over the course of thirty minutes. The amount of numbers and effects on-screen at any given moment clicks all the right pieces of my brain to make it happy. However, once I stopped being completely invested, the game essentially lost all of it's value. I went from playing it daily for at least 3 hours for an entire week to never turning it on again. I doubt I do ever turn it on again, to be honest. It's just not a game that inspires long-term play, at least in my brain. It's honestly more of a puzzle game than anything. Since the only thing you actually have control over is movement, you just kinda have to figure out which evolutions will work best when pieced together. It's always axe, garlic, book, and some combination of other stuff. Once I realized this, the game got incredibly stale. It's just solving the same puzzle over and over again. It definitely got it's $5 value, and I think, regardless of my conclusive thoughts, it's still a great video game, but I can safely say I have no intent on returning to this, or any other game like this. Especially since AAA publishers are likely seeing this success and planning ways to monetize this structure of game, if they haven't already, because I am cynical. 4/6

I've eased up on my more aggressive attitudes toward roguelikes over the years, primarily because I began introducing myself to the types which allow you to make incremental improvements with each run. It's difficult for me to quantify how valuable a particular run is when the only thing I'm really getting out of it is "knowing" a bit more about how to play. That's why I've enjoyed recent games like Hades and Astalon so much. Even on your bad runs, you're collecting stuff to become stronger or to move the plot forward and what have you. I figured Rogue Legacy 2 would give me a similar sort of satisfaction. It probably should have, but there were just too many barriers for me to enjoy. It's been a bit since I actually played, so ideally I can somewhat explain my frustrations. The amount of rewards you get starting out is pitiful. Upgrading starts out quick, but it eventually becomes incredibly expensive, and progress becomes halted. There are a number of classes you can pick from, but most of them don't really feel like they impact anything beyond the speed of combat. There are more nuanced layers, sure, but the overall approach to fighting isn't changed much. The room diversity is minimal, which doesn't allow for a particularly engaging visual feast. And possibly my biggest issue is the over-reliance on loss of visibility as a challenge. As I get older, the need to see what I'm doing on-screen has become so much more important since my eyes just kind of suck at this point. It's why I can't really complete high-level rhythm games anymore. Rogue Legacy 2 has a lot of clever ways of disrupting your ability to look at a screen and identify each part of it. I struggled so hard with this, and it fucking sucked. There are, fortunately, options for players to remove this stuff, and even generous sliders to tool with enemy health, attack power, character health, etc. I spent about 5-6 hours on the game and only started making, what felt like, reasonable progress once I fiddled around with the stats. I probably would've had more fun with it if I had just started this way. Maybe it's a game I return to at some point where I just accept I'm bad and blind and have a much better time. Mechanically it's smooth and I had no issue with moving or attacking in the ways i wanted to. It was just too much of a slog to feel good about my progress. I also find the fart jokes incredibly annoying. Like, what the fuck is this? Nickelodeon? 2/6

Literally every YouTuber has already talked extensively about this game. And by “literally every YouTuber”, I mean the Angry Video Game Nerd and Egoraptor have done videos on it. What could I possibly add to the nuanced criticism they have no doubt put forth to the ever-dying circulation of retro video game analysis? Well, I actually think Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest is kind of alright. By absolutely no means am I suggesting that Simon’s Quest is a good video game, or even a passable one. It is, by all accounts, pretty bad. But a game being pretty bad doesn’t mean it can’t be a worthwhile experience, and boy is Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest worthwhile, I fucking guess.

Before we jump into anything else, it’s important I share a small secret with you, my friends. No, it is not that I find video game criticism to be a complete joke as it is in it’s current state, because trust me, that is not a secret. It’s that criticism as a whole is usually shit, and this is only especially true in video games because of the many technological advancements made in fairly rapid succession. The new technology makes the old technology laughable, and the artistic merits of a game created in 1987 is not able to carry itself into serious or relevant contemporary discussion. This is a problem and will always be a problem, because media consumers have only become more gluttonous with their content, and producers of said content have only become more greedy. How does one critique a video game like Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest, or literally any other game I’ve reviewed, after having experienced a post-DLC, post-regular patching, and post-microtransactions-and-sustained-monetization gaming landscape? The answer is that you don’t, because attempting to do so, even if you plead with your audience that you are objectively analyzing it from the lens of a player in 1987, is futile. Brains do not work that way, no matter how much therapy you receive. Perhaps we were never meant to critique video games on the merit of artistic quality as they were, almost from the very beginning, designed as a commodity. A product meant to make money as opposed to an artform meant for expression. This is probably why literally every video game review you decide to watch or read from any major outlet is actually just a list of features and the quality of said features. You are making a transaction not for a unique piece of art, but for an item curated specifically to be monetized. This likely needs to be a discussion for a full essay, but I am much too lazy, and my fear of confrontation is far too great, to go through the process of making such a thing happen. The only thing you need to know is that all video game criticism is worthless and that includes this literal review.

So what does any of this have to do with Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest? Quite a lot, actually, or enough to where I can at least pretend it’s a significant amount. Castlevania II has received an unfortunate amount of negative feedback as a result of the criticisms layered onto it from the advent of freelance criticism. Many sources you can look into nowadays will tell you Castlevania II is simply a bad game, and this is unfortunately how it’s known within the wider gaming spectrum in the current year of writing. But Castlevania II was actually, like, kind of well-received when it first came out. Almost like it was a good video game. God, the worst part about looking through modern criticisms from random people is I can’t even distinguish which of them feel legitimate. Like, even the positive ones almost feel like they’re overly positive to make up for the negative ones. But like, the game was well-received in it’s time so I don’t think these are people who are going in unexposed to the vast array of negative critique and are being contrarian more than anything? Like, holy shit, what the fuck are we doing with our lives? Specifically, what am I doing?

Regardless, Castlevania II is pretty cool. I will be going over the good stuff before the bad because I want people to forget that I actually think this game does kind of suck before I completely thrash it with my epic critical powers. Castlevania II is not a traditional platformer like Castlevania and the other numbers that come between 1 and 2 apparently. Hell, this is even a wild departure from Vampire Killer, which was itself a wild departure from the original game. Castlevania II has traded it’s challenging platforming action for a far more contemplative and atmospheric adventure game. Castlevania II is less about testing your reflexes and short-term strategic legibility and more about asking you to traverse a wide area and make discoveries as you progress. Keep in mind this was 1987, and few games had really tried such an open-ended design philosophy. Execution is iffy at best and atrocious at worst, but I would say the same about Metroid, which everyone is fine with, probably because AVGN never did a video about it. One of the bigger problems with Castlevania II’s world is that it’s basically impossible to understand many of the nuances. A number of secrets held within it’s walls are, objectively, impossible to figure out by a normal human adult. One could not be reasonably expected to figure out you need to crouch against a random wall for a few seconds while having a red crystal equipped in order to be taken, by a tornado, to a different part of the map. Again, brains don’t work this way. It would all be forgiven, however, if the game had hints. Fortunately, the game does have hints. Unfortunately, it actually doesn’t. The NPCs you come across within the various towns throughout the world are evidently meant to give you hints, but they are almost always completely useless or outright incorrect. The hint given for the prior example, I think, is “Hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole.” What? That is not correct, nor is it a safe thing for Simon Belmont to be doing. He would likely get a concussion.

But that leads us to another area where criticism becomes interesting. Castlevania II’s English script is an absolute mess. There’s no getting around the legitimate grievances many players have with this aspect of the game. But here’s my dumb argument: How does that make Castlevania II a bad game? The translation is obviously abysmal, and the person who took the helm at translating this game was hopefully never allowed to read katakana again. But we’re talking about an individual piece of an overall experience which was worsened only by the fact that the person in charge was stoned out of their mind. Take, for example, Mother 3. I have not played it, but I do know that everyone wants to fuck this game, which is totally cool, I dig it. But if you were to decide to play it without installing any sort of translation patch, and you didn’t understand how to read Japanese, would you be critical of the game for not making sense? Would you be critical of the game failing to give you appropriate direction? I would think not. You can argue it’s different here, as Castlevania II was released for a price in the United States despite it’s sloppy translation, but at that point you are judging based on it’s value as a commodity, and I refuse to take you seriously, you consumerist scum. For what it’s worth, the original Japanese release supposedly had NPCs who would lie to you, which is also pretty bad, but at least you can do something potentially clever with that? I wouldn’t know because I never learned Japanese like I planned to in high school. Regardless, Castlevania II forces me to ask whether or not a legitimate critique can be done for any game which has been translated. Maybe that’s why I like Castlevania II? Because I despise critical culture and it does everything it can to be impossible to be effectively criticized. Wow, I’m learning a lot about myself here.

Castlevania II’s challenge comes from this aggressively cryptic maneuverability, but it’s almost entirely fixed because of the Internet having numerous fun walkthroughs available to keep you from getting lost in this game about being lost. The challenge in combat is all but removed, and the level design has also taken an unfortunate hit. Enemies die more easily because there’s generally less verticality for them to work with, and Simon is almost always in an advantageous position. Similarly, Castlevania II runs into the same problems Vampire Killer did, in that the design of levels needs to facilitate progress from multiple directions, which results in the designers making some tragic compensations with a bunch of flat pathing. I like the way the world is set up because I’m just the type of person who will prefer full world design over singular level design in this type of game, but the pieces making up the world aren’t engaging enough to work well. There’s a lives system in place, but it’s pointless because you just respawn at the beginning of the screen regardless. The only real punishment is losing all of your hearts after a game over, which is annoying because all it means is that you have to spend some time grinding, but, since I bitched about Metroid already, it’s nothing compared to needing to grind health and ammo after a death in that game.

Castlevania II did absolutely everything it could to be really fucking weird, and I appreciate that in and of itself. I wish I didn’t have to also talk about all these other parts I don’t like. If I were a “phony” I would just ignore these faults and make broad jubilances of a quality I did not truly believe. But I’d like to believe I’m just a normal person. One who, potentially puts too much stock into how we should be viewing games as enjoyers of the art form, but normal in the ways that matter. Like thinking video games are cool.

Castlevania II is a bad game. To be honest, it was probably bad back in 1987. Games which can still argue to actually be good in competition with the current gaming market are slim. Whether or not that excuses it’s quality is up to you, you absolute legends. I am not quite sure I’ve found the answer to that. I have spent a number of my past few months engrossing myself in old videogames. I was born in 1993, and for the first twelve years of my life, the only gaming systems I had owned were a top-loader NES with 10 games or less, a Sony PlayStation, aka the objectively worst mainstream gaming console, and every variation of of Nintendo’s Gameboy line up to that point, at that time a Gameboy Advance. I am unsure if I used the original model or the SP model at this point. I didn’t start experimenting with the stranger side of gaming and gaming culture until I was in sixth grade, and at this point, I was living in the greatest time period to be enjoying video games, because this was the era of PS2 and Gamecube. I never had an XBOX, nor have I ever purchased an XBOX product, but I heard that had some cool games. I think like, Halo was one of the titles people lost their shit over? I don’t think they made any more of those… But yeah XBOX is cool (THIS IS SATIRE PLEASE DON’T TALK TO ME). Point is, I spent my high school, college, depressive post-college period, grad school, and depressive post-grad school periods of life getting caught up to where I am at and I’m still fucking behind. And now that I am playing so many games my age or older, I’m going to continue not being caught up. Why am I doing this? Why am I purposefully using valuable time which could be spent playing something satisfying to play old games which I know will be bad? I wish I could give you fair and rational answers like “wanting to experience history” or “wanting to provide a critical eye within the modern era” or “I make my living by making poop jokes on YouTube so I have to play a bad game so I can have some bread”. They are all fair and rational, as I said. But I need to stop being a phony about this. I play old games because they are far more interesting to play, even if they are not as fun. When I bought Elden Ring, I thought it was going to be amazing. When I played Elden Ring, I thought it was amazing. What did I learn from this experience. What is the point of enjoying something if all you do is enjoy that thing? I want to be able to play Castlevania II and I want to be able to score it higher than Monster Hunter Rise, because Monster Hunter Rise was a fucking boring, grindy slog of a game, and that is EXACTLY what I was expecting. The ways which Castlevania II managed to surprise me, even in bad ways, was far more of a thoughtful and engaging experience than a single minute of Monster Hunter Rise. I am being mean to Monster Hunter Rise only because it was the first major modern title which I remembered I gave a 2/6 to. I could’ve just as easily been a dirtbag toward Resident Evil 7 or something. Anyway, I give Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest a 3/6. If you think this is unfair, then I encourage you to read the entire review from the beginning, and continue to repeat this process until you agree with me.

I feel like I’ve kind of broken my brain writing this. I have spent the past three hours writing it. I do not know why I felt the urge to just start writing about this. I think about Castlevania II a lot, but it felt kind of sudden in this moment. I don’t think Castlevania II is actually the root of all of this. I think, a lot of times, I begin writing about topics, and those topics shift over the course of me working on a piece. This is, in no way, a critique on Castlevania II. We’ve flown well past that point. It’s not even a critique against rage critics or the critique industry as a whole. It’s a critique against myself. What can I possibly say to make my voice worthy being heard? Can I say anything? What is the point in me doing this to myself, knowing that I cannot possibly be qualified to assess this game in a way no one else has? I don’t think those qualifications exist. I think a game is meant to make you think, and I’ve done a sufficient amount of thinking about this one in particular. Though, I do wish I had the critical eye of a preteen again. Experiencing Dark Cloud on the PlayStation 2 for the first time in his life, the only critique he is able to conjure is “This game fucking rules”. Just as I’m sure many preteens did in 1987. Thanks for reading….

God, Dark Cloud might actually be more outdated than Castlevania II at this point, holy shit.

‘Metroid Dread’ is essentially an experience I’ve been waiting for since I was a literal teenager. The last ‘Metroid’ game I played and loved was either ‘Metroid: Zero Mission’ or ‘Metroid Prime 2: Echoes’. Every official game released since then has ranged from disappointing to bad. I went into ‘Metroid Dread’ with major concerns over how Mercury Steam would handle a brand new ‘Metroid’ experience, especially given how poorly ‘Metroid: Samus Returns’ attempted to reignite the series’ flame. But dammit, did they nail it with this one.

It should be noted before anything else that ‘Metroid’ is one of my favorite video game franchises. I have been a ‘Metroid’ fan since I first became obsessed with ‘Metroid Prime’ and ‘Metroid Prime 2: Echoes’ circa 2006. Ever since that time, I swore myself to the unholy union of fandom, possibly for the first time ever. I’m not sure which came first between my ‘Metroid’ obsession and my ‘Naruto’ obsession. I am only embarrassed by one of these obsessions, and it should be obvious which one that is (it is Naruto).

However, ‘Metroid’ has a long and storied history of making me sad. It all started with ‘Metroid Prime 3: Corruption’. Many will claim ‘Metroid: Other M’ was where the series saw its complete loss of self, though the warning signs were present in the previous game. You could even trace flaws back to ‘Metroid Fusion’, but I will not do that because I like ‘Metroid Fusion’. Around the mid-2000s, space stuff got super popular. ‘Halo: Combat Evolved’ was an astronomical success which changed the landscape of gaming, in particular games where you shoot aliens. In 2007, we saw ‘Halo 3’ and ‘Mass Effect’, two alien-shooting video games which were receiving unreal levels of attention and hype. Nintendo had to find some way to revitalize their premier alien-shooting franchise after the lackluster sales of both ‘Metroid Prime 2: Echoes’ and ‘Metroid: Zero Mission’. The Nintendo Wii was a perfect chance to do this, as it sold out the wazoo and was extremely popular among casual gaming fans, a market codified as lovers of the XBOX 360, the holder of those alluring alien-shooting titles. ‘Metroid Prime 3: Corruption’ could have been another somber trek through an unforgiving environment filled with discovery, but they decided to not do this and instead craft a linear, story-focused adventure spanning multiple planets with a keener focus on action as opposed to the puzzle-solving and platforming the previous two games excelled in. I don’t actually know if ‘Metroid Prime 3: Corruption’ was a response to the bigger science fiction adventures coming out around the same time it did, but the end result was something distinctly lacking in edge or creativity, even if it was a solid game in it’s own right.

Of course, the story just worsens at this point. ‘Metroid Prime 3: Corruption’ sold well, though nothing compared to the Wii’s bigger successes. The series would see another entry in 2010, ‘Metroid: Other M’, which was a critical and commercial failure, as well as being a certified bad video game. ‘Metroid’ went on an extreme hiatus, coming back in 2016 with ‘Metroid Prime: Federation Force’, a game which immediately became a meme when announced. It seemed clear, at this point, ‘Metroid’ was no longer itself. The next year we saw ‘Metroid: Samus Returns’, a lackluster remake of an already flawed ‘Metroid’ game released on a dying handheld, which further failed to grasp the core appeal of its predecessors or it’s indie contemporaries. ‘Metroid Prime 4’ was announced, but it has been marked by extreme delays and a complete re-do with a different studio helming the product. It’s likely still deep in the pipeline, and it still felt like even if it were to release soon, it wouldn’t be able to live up to its namesake given this nearly two decade period of disappointing releases.

Then ‘Metroid Dread’ came out of nowhere and kicked ass. I went into ‘Metroid Dread’ with potentially the lowest expectations a ‘Metroid’ fan could possibly have. I had played Mercury Steam’s previous outing extensively, and I did not believe they were capable of creating a good ‘Metroid’ game. The game’s trailers were focused on the INTENSE ACTION and GRIPPING PLOT with numerous CALLBACKS to earlier games. I saw all the warning signs. I could tell this game was going to be mediocre at best. So naturally, I pre-ordered it and played it on launch day so that I could complain about it on the Internet.

I am quite happy I was wrong about ‘Metroid Dread’. Not only is it a fantastic game in its own right, but it feels like the natural progression the series should have gone in following ‘Metroid: Zero Mission’. ‘Metroid Dread’ offers some of the best areas and encounters seen in the franchise, and it’s much more focused on atmosphere, exploration, and puzzle-solving than the trailers let on. The combat experience was so stiff and unnatural in ‘Metroid: Samus Returns’, but they managed to refine it to an impressive sheen here. The strength of the combat reaches its peak in nearly every boss encounter. Each one is incredibly unique and requires some significant thought in their approach. I don’t know if I’d say the game is as brutally hard as it’s being marketed, given how naturally trial and error most of the fights are, but each of them asks you to use a significant amount of effort to topple. It culminates in one of the most exciting and rewarding final bosses in any video game, and easily topping any other battle in the ‘Metroid’ universe, which is known for having some incredible boss fights.

Exploration does take a slight hit because the world isn’t designed quite as carefully as it could have been. ‘Super Metroid’ is essentially peak map design and I’d struggle to say anything has managed to capture this quality, barring potentially ‘Hollow Knight’, though that game’s massive map leads to its own smaller issues. ‘Metroid Dread’ isn’t as tight as the best maps in this subgenre, but it’s pretty damn close. There are some instances of railroading the player which can get a bit egregious, and going for 100% completion is a bit of a pain given how late you get some crucial upgrades. But these problems are only worth noting because ‘Metroid Dread’ is in the same series as ‘Super Metroid’. The map is a joy to explore all around and it showcases some of the most engaging environmental design in the 2D series.

The main claim to fame for ‘Metroid Dread’ was the inclusion of the brand new enemy type, the EMMI. As this was the forefront of Nintendo’s marketing efforts, it is, naturally, the worst part of the game by a pretty wide margin. I get the appeal of them and I understand what the developers were intending to accomplish, but this feels very much like Mr. X in the ‘Resident Evil 2’ remake. It’s initially really cool and adds a layer of horror and anxiety to the experience, but that only lasts for about 15 minutes until it just becomes annoying. I liked the first few EMMIs I encountered, but it got dry well before it became challenging. The last couple you encounter become infuriating, as they completely derail the pacing of the game and force you to focus on moving through their chambers as efficiently as possible. It gives you a fairly gratifying conclusion when you can respond by decimating the machines with an overpowered beam, but you spend far too much time running and hiding to make that part worthwhile. Remove the EMMI sections entirely or make them scripted like SA-X in ‘Metroid Fusion’ and we likely have the hard conversation of whether or not ‘Super Metroid’ actually has been dethroned as the best 2D ‘Metroid’. As is, the segments are an unfortunate blight on an otherwise masterful creation.

‘Metroid Dread’ almost won this year’s top honors for me. If it weren’t for two of the best gaming experiences I’ve ever had, it would have been. If nothing else, I’m no longer fearful for where the series will be going. Despite my reservations from their first effort, Mercury Steam appears to have developed a solid grasp on how these games function. I hope we can see this partnership continue I to the future, as I know there are likely many other ideas the team didn’t even get to see to fruition which would expand the series even further. As Retro works on ‘Metroid Prime 4’, I hope the team walks back on the intentions of ‘Metroid Prime 3: Corruption’ and looks at the series and the growth it actually needs to receive with the same mindset as Mercury Steam. The only certainty, however, is that I finally feel safely excited for the franchise for the first time in over a decade. 5/6

In 2019, we received the video game ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’, a remake of 1998’s ‘Resident Evil 2 (1998)’. This was the first numbered remake the ‘Resident Evil’ franchise had received since 2002’s ‘Resident Evil (2002)’, a remake of 1996’s ‘Resident Evil (1996)’. ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ was celebrated as a phenomenal remake, which not only celebrated the franchise’s roots, but adapted the game with a more modern gameplay philosophy which would see the game become loved by even more people who either weren’t alive during the initial release of the game, or who are too dumb to have figured out how to enjoy them in 2019. I never played the old ‘Resident Evil’ video games released back in the 1990s, as I am one of those who was too dumb to have figured out how to enjoy them. I briefly played ‘Resident Evil (2002)’ and thought the controls were bad. The controls aren’t bad, I am merely too barbaric to understand the complexity of these controls. I also have the attention span of a child who has severe ADHD and is not getting it treated in any fashion because their parents are afraid of them being “labeled”. I have not had the patience, since 2017, to learn and understand something that has the potential to be fun if I am to suffer through a significant amount of play that is not fun.

‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ was my #2 favorite video game of 2019, only beaten by ‘Outer Wilds’. It felt like I was playing ‘Resident Evil 4’, which was a game that did not feel like playing ‘Resident Evil (2002)’. ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ felt so much like playing ‘Resident Evil 4’ that I beat both roughly eight-hour campaigns in a single weekend. I was a student during this time and had a blue collar job I did not care about, so I did this without having it negatively effect my entire being. It was a very good game with a very dumb stalker mechanic. I think the use of the Tyrant for atmospheric purposes was an interesting decision. And by interesting, I, of course, mean bad.

‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’, much like ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ feels like playing ‘Resident Evil 4’, feels like playing ‘Resident Evil 5’. Where ‘Resident Evil 4’ took the series in a unique and exciting direction, ‘Resident Evil 5’ doubled down a bit too much on said changes, maintaining a solid quality, though becoming significantly more forgettable in the process. I can recall a vast majority of the map design in the first two sections of ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’, just as I can recall essentially every step of progression in ‘Resident Evil 4’ from memory. It has been well over a year since I played ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’. I finished ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ less than a week ago at the time of this writing, and I can remember significantly less about it’s map design and story structure than I can of ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ or ‘Resident Evil 4’. I do remember more about it than I do of ‘Resident Evil 5’, however. I do not want to sound dismissive toward the quality of ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’, so if I have come off that way, then I have failed as a being.

‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ is the picture perfect example of a “popcorn game”, a term I have just now invented. A popcorn game is one which you will be able to enjoy for the entire, brief experience with the game, and likely feel ultimately entertained by the time it has concluded, but will immediately fail to acknowledge anything about the game at all. I beat ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ in two days, and I enjoyed nearly every second. The only part I did not enjoy was a section of being chased by Nemesis with critical health and no healing items. I was asked to switch to the game’s easy mode on numerous occasions, as I continued dying from a single one of Nemesis’ gargantuan swings. I eventually realized I can simply halt my forward momentum and back up to dodge, rather than attempt to perform a ‘Bloodborne’-like dodge maneuver. Once I acknowledged my patent idiocy, I found enjoyment even in this frustrating segment.

The use of Nemesis was panned by fans of ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ and ‘Resident Evil 3: Nemesis’, as Nemesis only appears in the most obvious scripted moments imaginable. I found joy in this decision, as it makes me feel like Capcom was listening to me and only me when I said, “I think the use of the Tyrant for atmospheric purposes was an interesting decision. And by interesting, I, of course, mean bad.” From what I understand, Nemesis functioned as a mechanic which would pop in and out of one’s gameplay experience in ‘Resident Evil 3: Nemesis’. It was, from my understanding, a random event each time he came into play. This is not the case in ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’, which removes itself from this setup and from it’s understanding of Nemesis as a horror icon. One of the first things Nemesis does in this game is attempt to murder you with the use of an actual rocket launcher. If you did not immediately think this was fantastic, then you are the reason we have games like ‘Cyberpunk 2077’. ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ is not afraid to recognize that zombies are dumb and serve primarily to be utilized in ways that are fun. This is why you receive moments like Nemesis running around like a dog who just discovered his owner wasn’t holding a leash in one of the boss fights. It’s also why you have a final boss that is defeated when Jill puts a literal BFG from the ‘Doom’ franchise in Nemesis’ mouth and launches a nuclear-level blast which spreads chunks of flesh and bone across her body and the room. These are very dumb things. ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ was interested in unnerving the player with low ammo and health counts combined with strong enemies. They succeeded. ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ is only interested in being a fun video game. They succeeded.

It would be inappropriate to pour praise onto ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ without fully acknowledging it’s faults. For one, the exploration, which was my favorite part of ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’, has been nerfed severely. The only part of the game with a significant amount of exploration is the first group of areas where you go through the streets of Raccoon City. The exploration solely consists of backtracking to previous areas, rather than designing a map which allows you to weave in and out of it’s many rooms in an efficient manner. It’s not entirely fun to simply halt progress and turn around to pick up better equipment. The game also locks you out of previous areas, sometimes leaving key items behind. I do not know what the safe in the first streets section contains, and I am sorry. Had I know this would become missable after the first two hours of play, I would have used Google. The hospital is the one part of the game which I felt did not have the issue of having bad exploration. The exploration was good, but not as good as RCPD in ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’.

‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ also has little in the way of exciting gameplay. There are a number of excellent situations in ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’ where you fight different enemy types in creative ways. The only moment of combat I found myself joyously engaged in is a segment which is literally just a weaker version of the cabin shootout from ‘Resident Evil 4’. Obviously, I enjoyed all of the combat in ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’, as I stated this earlier. But the amount of enjoyment was a lukewarm positive for the entire six hours I was engaged in it. It is also important to note that Jill Valentine no longer has a great ass. I have played ‘Resident Evil: Revelations’. I know her ass is quite fantastic. That is not the case here. Her ass is very mediocre. Claire Redfield had a great ass in ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’, so it makes no sense to have nerfed Jill Valentine’s ass in ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’, a game which uses the exact same engine and "ass"ets. 4/6

Bowser has been a part of the ‘Super Mario’ franchise since it’s inception in 1985. He is a large, silly turtle man who wants to kidnap Princess Peach. His rationale for kidnapping Princess Peach is typically undefined beyond a general sensation of being evil and potentially having some form of ruling over the Mushroom Kingdom. This is never effective for the course of a full game, as Mario will always kill Bowser, usually by dumping him in actual lava. Yet Bowser somehow always revives. You literally fight his skeletal corpse in ‘New Super Mario Bros.’ Bowser is truly the ultimate Eldritch horror. There needs to be a deep analysis on the lore of Bowser and his interaction with the world of the ‘Super Mario’ franchise.

But Bowser has always been a goofy villain. He gets mad, but it’s never intimidating. However, this time is different. Bowser isn’t coping with something in a healthy manner. Bowser is furious. In his inability to cope, likely with the trauma of being brutally murdered by Mario on numerous occasions, Bowser has become something terrifying. A blackened ooze coats his body, causing him to swell into a gargantuan titan, the excess sludge dripping and sticking to a once beautiful landscape, Bowser’s emotional state is far more aggressive and primal, as he has regressed to the reptilian brain, seeking only survival and dominance as he scorches the earth with meteoric flames. It is up to Mario to atone for his past misdeeds, and save the man he once gleefully terrorized. Bowser Jr. is even here, and the trauma he is suffering from his father’s anger has now officially put Bowser in the ‘Sad Dad Club’. ‘Bowser’s Fury’ is high art, just as ‘The Last of Us’, ‘The Walking Dead’, and ‘God of War’. Two of those games are actually good, and ‘The Last of Us’ is not one of them. Fortunately, ‘Bowser’s Fury’ is good.

Nintendo have been slowly making efforts to put every marketable Wii U title onto the Switch. ‘Super Mario 3D World’ is in the top half of the series in terms of quality, but to increase it’s marketing appeal, Nintendo tacked on the short 3-hour campaign which utilized the mechanical simplicity of ‘Super Mario 3D World’ with the large spaces of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’. The result is an open-world where each area functions under the unique platforming challenges and gimmicks which the ‘Super Mario’ franchise is known for. As a singular unit, it is non-stop fun with very few flaws.

Though flaws do present themselves. Primarily, ‘Bowser’s Fury’ feels like a taste to something bigger. It doesn’t feel incomplete per se, just evidently a project which could be better when expanded into a full game. When Bowser becomes furious during exploration or platforming, this can both add fun challenges and be incredibly annoying, depending on where you’re at in the game. It’s never detrimental to the high standards the game set, but there were exactly two occasions I remember where I had to stop progress in a level and do absolutely nothing, just to wait for Bowser to stop being a massive asshole. You can also turn into a giant cat and actually fight Bowser, but these sections blow. Sorry, ‘Bowser’s Fury’, maybe you should think about some of these crucial negatives before we are introduced to ‘Bowser’s Fury 2: Bowser Harder’. 5/6

I was pretty interested in playing this game upon announcement. The horror advertised in ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’ isn’t really my style, nor is the standard zombie horror the franchise is known for. It is obvious, then, that my favorite games in the franchise, ‘Resident Evil 4’ and ‘Resident Evil 2 (2019)’, are more akin to third-person shooters with horror elements. I’ve even lightened up on ‘Resident Evil 3 (2020)’ even more than I already was last year. Capcom knows how to design great action-horror for their classic franchise, even if the more it deviates into one specific direction, the less quality the experience is as a whole.

I had never played ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’ until quite recently. I put it off because I was aware of how I would likely not enjoy it. I only played it due to the fact that ‘Resident Evil Village’ was a direct sequel, something I didn’t know about until ‘Resident Evil Village’ asked me if I wanted a recap. I’m sure it’s classification as a direct sequel was noted heavily in marketing, but I have ADHD, so you are not allowed to be upset with me for my failures to parse even the most basic information. So I, of course, played ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’. I did not like ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’. It was gross, slow, clunky, and the horror was, as previously stated, not my cup of tea. The hillbilly-horror present is actually quite possibly my least favorite type of standardized horror theme. The classist undertones of codifying poverty as a type of horror is disgusting to me. Obviously shit like ‘Resident Evil 5’ and what it did to codify an unknown ethnic culture as horror is worse, but it’s still a gross method of inducing terror.

Naturally, I was skeptical of ‘Resident Evil Village’ following this. I still had the knowledge of it being a more action-oriented experience than its predecessor, but my four hours with ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’ were probably my least favorite in the series. I don’t want to suggest you are in some way wrong for liking ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’, as I’m directly stating this instead. It is, however, evident that I am looking for totally different experiences than those who praised ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’. But then I played ‘Resident Evil Village’. ‘Resident Evil Village’ is amazing.

Prior to it’s release, ‘Resident Evil Village’ heavily marketed the Lady Dimitrescu character. Horny people jumped on the boat immediately. These people are apparently the same people who reviewed the game at a professional level. So many critics praised the game’s first significant area while admonishing everything after it. These critics are morons. Not only is Castle Dimitrescu not the best segment of the game, but Lady Dimitrescu herself isn’t even one of the more engaging characters the game presents. One of the coolest things ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’ did was introducing all of the antagonists in the beginning with a well-framed table scene, almost certainly inspired by 1974’s ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’. But the problem with this scene is that all of the characters were extremely loud and annoying. The villains introduced in ‘Resident Evil Village’, using an incredibly similar method of said introduction, are far more unique and diverse. Even the lowly Moreau is able to make his mark both in this opening scene and in his eventual segment.

Ethan himself had the problem of being terribly boring in ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’. I watched a longplay after quitting my own run and he never really became anything more than a mechanism to move through the game. He is immediately characterized far better from the very beginning of ‘Resident Evil Village’. He has fun interactions with the world and the characters you meet, and even has horrible one-liners upon killing stronger enemies. The game also introduces The Duke, who somehow managed to become the best merchant in the ‘Resident Evil’ franchise. The Duke is probably my favorite character introduced in 2021, and it’s a damn shame he gets overshadowed because the Internet is too fucking horny.

Gameplay-wise, ‘Resident Evil Village’ is probably the best the series has seen. Certainly, it was conflicting with the standard the series had set to this point, which was a wildly diverse range of gameplay mechanics. ‘Resident Evil Village’ mashes the faster-paced action of the recent remakes with the more methodical approach and first-person perspective of ‘Resident Evil 7: Biohazard’. The result, while not appearing original to the naked eye, creates a gameplay experience unlike anything the series has seen. Weapon upgrading is back and better than ever. Every weapon has the ability to become stronger through a generous upgrading system. You can also hunt animals and collect their meat for cooking to receive permanent buffs to health, defense, speed, etc. There are so many systems at play here and each one of them bleeds into the other in a truly captivating manner.

Of course, none of these qualities would matter much in a game with bad level design. Fortunately, this is some of the best we’ve ever seen, and easily the best in the ‘Resident Evil’ series. It’s not a unique observation to see how each limb of the game represents it’s own sort of appeal. Castle Dimitrescu is focused on navigation and puzzle-solving. Beneviento House is focused on horror. The reservoir is more of a cinematic level. And it all wraps up with Heisenberg’s areas and the bits after being action-oriented. What isn’t a unique observation is how each area feels to have been masterfully crafted to achieve those specific goals. I talk a lot in here about the Internet’s stupid horniness as problematic to legitimate discussion of ‘Resident Evil Village’ and how it transforms the medium with it’s approach to design, and I do so because it’s fucking embarrassing to see grown adults praise one really well-done section and then not care about the other 70% of the game which is also extremely well-done. You are an embarrassment. Yes, I will die on this hill and no, it will not be worth it.

Besides the Reservoir, which is fine in a vacuum but actually a pretty dull level in relation to what else the game offers, ‘Resident Evil Village’ is dropping dimes constantly with it’s intriguing set pieces, map structure, combat evolution, and storytelling. ‘Resident Evil Village’ is one of those magical experiences that happens upon the world and so affirmatively grips the core values of what playing a video game should feel like. Much like last year’s ‘Doom Eternal’ and ‘Hades’, ‘Resident Evil Village’ is a fucking masterclass of every component it aims to create. I don’t regularly try to argue that some games are THE BEST EVER because, like, I consider 'Tales of Symphonia' to be the best JRPG ever. How much do I actually know? But ‘Resident Evil Village’ is, quite honestly, the best horror game. It is the best action-horror game. It is the best ‘Resident Evil’ game. Okay, well maybe not better than 'Resident Evil 4' in these regards, but that's a substantial mountain to climb, and it's topped off with enough nostalgia to murder anything that dares reach its peak. We will probably never see another video game which aims to do as much, yet perfectly executes each part it presents as ‘Resident Evil Village’. ‘Resident Evil Village’ is a blatant masterpiece, and the medium has a lot of catching up to do if we hope to see games of this caliber regularly. 6/6

I wish I liked this game more, because it seems like a game which has made a number of people happy, and that's pretty cool. However, I am not one of those people. Well, actually, that's a lie.It did make me happy! Cats are fucking great, and being able to play as a cat and do cat things was a really cool novelty. At least for a little bit. There's only so much you can actually do, and most of the gameplay mechanics are streamlined to remove any skill. This isn't really a fair criticism though, is it? Stray is a narrative-focused puzzle game more than it is a platformer. This means that the tedium of moving from point A to point B needs to be shaken up in order to make the game fun. It certainly doesn't do this on the puzzle front, since they're all pretty easy, usually functioning as seek-and-find challenges as opposed to using critical thinking. So that kinda kills my ability to enjoy playing the game at all. All that's left is the story, which is actually quite nice. I really felt for a number of characters, and the sacrifices they all make to help this tiny cat can be quite touching. I really loved that ending especially. I think the quality of the writing is where the talents are used their best. I don't really like cyberpunk aesthetics anymore, so being able to still feel engaged to the characters and the world they live in is a fun surprise. Needless to say, I am not a lifelong cat person, only recently becoming a cat-dad. I don't think playing as a cat fulfills me any more than taking a nap with my girl on my lap, or something else I wish I was doing with her right now. Maybe if the game had an option to choose fur color and name your cat or something. Then I could pretend my tortie, Bonnie, was the cat doing all this cool shit. I dunno, I just want to hug my cat right now, but instead, I'm slacking off at work to write this dumb review. 3/6

An unfortunate result of Going Commando being so much fun was the eventual stagnation the Ratchet & Clank games would see going forward. It's one of those problems that doesn't really apply to some of these earlier titles without the ability to recognize how little innovation the series would see from this point. And there's a pretty interesting discussion to be had about the need for evolution in a series as comfortable as Ratchet & Clank. That conversation is well beyond what I could possibly explore without at least five years of planning and revision, only to ultimately be abandoned like all of my other long-term writing projects, but I'm sure it would be at least a little neat. Regardless, Up Your Arsenal is less an evolution from Going Commando and more of a refinement.

Insomniac clearly liked the idea of weapon growth as presented in Going Commando, as this time around, all weapons have five different levels of growth as opposed to the two from the prior game. Weapon mods have also been streamlined so that they apply automatically as your weapon level increases. These changes do fix the primary issue Going Commando had in the late game, with numerous weapons becoming redundant or ineffective. This problem still exists, but it's much easier to get value out of the wide variety of weapons pushed your way. Even experimental ones like the Infector or Plasma Whip can provide value beyond gimmick in specific situations. The problem this does create, however, is the overwhelming sense of bloat. There is no way to have everything accessible through the weapon wheel menus, so at least a few guns will eventually stray from your sight. It is all too easy to settle in on a few weapons that work in most situations and just not bother touching the others. I guess that's where the level up system has some benefit, as it encourages you to use all your weapons in tandem in order to maintain consistent growth, but then you just end up having less fun with the game. It would be ideal to have every weapon feel unique and function effectively, but that is certainly going to present a challenge, and it's not like this problem doesn't persist throughout the rest of the games.

The good news is that this is a pretty dumb nitpick. I'm basically complaining that the game is too fun and forcing myself to do the unfun stuff is ultimately unnecessary. So what exactly does this game do so well then? Well, it has deincentivized platforming to a pretty wild degree. More than any game yet, Up Your Arsenal is about the combat, and that works out because it's extremely fun. Ratchet's smooth movement has remained almost unchanged from what I can tell, and it's even more satisfying in this one to weave in and out of fire. The difficulty has also seen a bit of a rise, which feels strange coming off the breezy Rift Apart not too long ago. Up Your Arsenal is by no means hard, but it does have it's moments.

This is probably also where the writing hits it's peak. Dr. Nefarious is an incredible villain because of how well everyone plays off of him. He's got hilarious dialogue and stellar voicework to boot. He's also quite intelligent and competent in this one, literally almost succeeding in genocide. It reinforces a problem I had with the 2016 reboot and Rift Apart, where Nefarious is almost purely comic relief. Essentially, Nefarious was so well-written and popular that he became a recurring villain, which ended up hurting his character in some unfortunate ways. Dude's just not complex enough to carry on past this one game. I'm doubtful he was intended to be used more after this, but Insomniac got really lazy with the writing. The Qwark stuff is also great and it highlights big writing issues later on in the franchise as well, but I don't need to get into all of that because I'm saving it for the reboot writeup which I won't ever get to. Basically what I'm saying is Up Your Arsenal is almost too good of a stride to hit, and following up on it was going to be hard regardless of what Insomniac did. It's just so damn good. 5/6

Attempting to replicate the feel of the classic Doom games is going to pose a challenge to any budding developer. What I feel makes Doom and Doom II so great is the complexity of level design merged with the simplicity of the gameplay. In a nutshell, Doom has a pretty barebones design philosophy. Hell, you can't even look vertically! But the decision to keep the focus purely on moment-to-moment gameplay is something which will likely never truly be achieved. I feel like Nightmare Reaper, at it's best, manages to capture that same feeling, but it is not at it's best enough to make any sort of legitimate challenge to the Doom games. Nightmare Reaper is dictated by two major design philosophies which each have their own drawbacks. One is the looting, with all kinds of weapon types and algorithms attached to them which can change the effectiveness of use of a particular weapon quite excessively. The other is it's randomly-generated levels, which will completely change any time you attempt a level. I found myself getting a bit frustrated with the level design toward the end. It's a lot of repetition despite the nature of things technically being different, and it lacks the structured environments that make so many of these game enjoyable. Towards the end of the aggressively long campaign, I was almost exclusively using my assault rifle which shot out explosive shurikens. This is badass, obviously, but it's all I would use for like, 7 hours. Game's too long and falls victim to the trappings of it's own design a bit too harshly. Story is surprisingly fun though. I thought it was dumb at first, then it was confirmed to be dumb, but also kind of fun? I do think the focus on themes of drug addiction and sex trafficking are really stupid. Generally if you're going to write current-standing political issues into your game, maybe have something interesting to say about them? I dunno, just kind of a pet-peeve of mine. 4/6

Of all the games that didn't need to exist, I'm glad this one does. It's less a soulslike and more a Nioh-like. You might not think Nioh-like is a real word, but neither is soulslike. Our methods of describing games are ever-changing, yet has also gotten to the unfortunate point where we don't knoew how to do so without comparing them to other games. The two Nioh games are great, but they have a lot of bullshit. Bullshit which makes them hard to recommend despite how fun they are. Stranger of Paradise plays exactly like a Nioh game, has the exact same build depth and bloat of collectibles as Nioh, and contains the same corny anime writing as Nioh. The difference is that Stranger of Paradise doesn't want me to die in two hits from common enemies, which is very cool. Beyond that, the amount of diversity present is fantastic. The job system is deep and constantly evolving, with new abilities and skills to be learned as you level up. You level up so quickly as well, so you are essentially always growing. I found myself constantly swapping jobs to experiment with what they brought, even as late as the last few levels. Team Ninja needs to hire a level designer, but this is peak action gameplay. I will write more about the story and characters in my list, but those are great too, and it reminds me of playing my PS2. Big surprise of a game here, one of the best this year. 5/6

It's a standard challenge-room platformer where the goal is to make it through without dying. The catch here is that the game learns from your efforts and will put barriers in your way to prevent you from engaging each level purely by muscle memory. The strength of these challenges is adjustable whenever you want, thanks to a fairly generous option to change the difficulty at will. The negative here is that you are insulted for wanting to make the game more playable, which is so played out at this point. At least it's thematically appropriate here? Given that, the AI who follows you around is doing a lot of work to make this game memorable. The voicework is incredible (Apparently done by the game's main director?), and the ability to shift at the drop of a hat from comedy to tension is phenomenal. I mean, it's partly due to the effects added on to the voice, but it still is cause for some memorable moments in an otherwise forgettable game. The tight controls and input only do so much when you really are just jumping around. There's no advanced tech here compared to the likes of Celeste, and relying on randomization as your primary hook is a trick which wears old a bit too fast. It's fine, and the speedruns I did watch afterward were cool, but I also had more fun watching the speedruns than actually playing, and I'm not sure if that is supposed to say anything to the quality of the game or not. 3/6