Scooz
2019
how will mario ever compete
engineered to make me wince but wanted a JRPG in the Switch's first year real bad and gave it a shot. has a feel adjacent to a crusty comedy seasonal anime about a 13yr old with fucked up teeth who can't stop kissing her older brother in an isekai world. i like a lot of its ideas but its tone and script are frustrating. i like starting as a diver-miner worker dude but i hate the guy who is that. he should be chill and real as fuck but he's this lame dork and not in an endearing sense. there are multiple scenes where the little boy accidentally touches tits and they go all "stupid baka pervert!" and i just don't care for it. i've seen this all too many times before, i simply cannot get down with these anime babes. i hear it gets better but it shoulda been good when it had the chance to hook me!!! aside from Nia, i didn't connect with any of the characters. Pyra and Mythra especially bored me to tears (i just don't like those sorts of tropes) and i wanted to throw Rex into an evil boiling cauldron. this game is stuffed with lame anime gfs who call u 'master.' the battle system has a gacha mechanic just to spite me and a UI so overstuffed it invokes violent urges in me like a caged, tortured gorilla. the environments and character models look really great for switch although this game's character design is mostly (Morag is pretty cool the game should be about her) some of the lamest, goofiest, and horniest (in a bad way) i've ever seen in a wide-release game of its pedigree. horny in the most boring way, in a vanilla ecchi way where it's too cowardly to get weird with it. the voice acting is silly (positive) and kicks ass tho. and Nia, she's pretty good.
why did they put this in Smash instead of my boy Travis Touchdown smh. i want the bad anime enjoyer, not the bad anime
why did they put this in Smash instead of my boy Travis Touchdown smh. i want the bad anime enjoyer, not the bad anime
2020
i'm amazed this actually came out at all, i remember when it was announced and i am bewildered that it wasn't actually a scam. surprised how good the writing and art in this are, this tackles some heavy shit but usually backs it up in terms of quality, it felt rawer in a way other games would sensationalize and dramatize to an uglier extreme. somehow it really captures the feeling of a tight group of friends having to go through something tragic and the ways each of them cope, how it changes their world. i say somehow cuz i dont fuckin know how accurate it is i lived on a farm far out of town and had no friends when i was their age i ain't got shit in terms of experience but it sure does feel like someone thought hard about it while making it.
but every time Sweetheart shows up i want to turn the game off. she's so lame! why the hell does she have TWO parts in the game that go on for way too long. why was that needed. the pacing in this game is REALLY. its best quality is its story, but the only juicy bits happen in the real world. most of the game is spent in headspace and most of that time is very, very boring.
but every time Sweetheart shows up i want to turn the game off. she's so lame! why the hell does she have TWO parts in the game that go on for way too long. why was that needed. the pacing in this game is REALLY. its best quality is its story, but the only juicy bits happen in the real world. most of the game is spent in headspace and most of that time is very, very boring.
horsey
2017
casting various curses and hexes upon the management at sony for doing this game so goddamn dirty
really cool game and its art design, movement, and godlike soundtrack are incredible but the combat gets really repetitive and the story is a mess. it has really great characters but everything feels very underdeveloped, it is definitely an early PS Vita game and it shows in a lot of rough ways. this game and its world have a ton of potential that thankfully is done pretty great in its sequel.
also this game has one of the most abrupt endings i have ever seen in a a game. was watching my bf play through this one and when the credits rolled he was just confused, it's super awkward.
also this game has one of the most abrupt endings i have ever seen in a a game. was watching my bf play through this one and when the credits rolled he was just confused, it's super awkward.
2011
hearing SMRPG tracks remixed in this quality was a near religious experience and one i will remember forever.
This review contains spoilers
i absolutely adore the original game to pieces and i vividly remember watching that September 2019 nintendo direct and jumping off the couch screaming when i saw motherfucking Francis York Morgan show up. it was like a dream come true, one of my favourite wacky video games somehow getting a sequel.
unfortunately, it was a genuinely straining experience to play. the story here just does not hit. the first game is largely a Twin Peaks S1/2 ripoff but it has a ton of charm and ends up being its own thing by the time the credits roll that left a lasting impression on me. Greenvale felt well realized, it felt fun to explore and had a breadth of characters that were exciting and memorable. There are so few characters in DP2 and most of them are stock asset models (INCLUDING THE MAFIA CITY GUY.) in terms of the few actual characters in this one, Patti steals the show. She's great, every time her and York talk is amazing and is far and away the best material in this game. there are hardly any other memorable characters, and some of them are memorable for not good reasons. like the horribly written trans character who is also an incest for some fucking reason (can someone please stop letting Swery write trans characters please), Patti's dad who is cool until he's evil at the very end for a very poorly defined reason, magical voodoo man plot device, and the wacky lol hotel clerk. the eccentricity of DP2 often feels forced, hollow - likely because there is nothing else of substance here. There aren't many people in the town and said town does not feel nearly as alive and fun as Greenvale did, which is fucked considering the difference between the towns on the outside. also helps that DP1 didn't run at consistent sub-10 FPS and look ungodly ugly - it's become part of the weird narrative surrounding DP1 that it was always ugly and performed badly but that's not really true. it was basically a PS2 game on 360, but it ran decently and looked good for what it was and when it was. DP2 looks like a asset flip phone game that'd be named Gand Thief Automobile. just like those kinds of asinine games for sewer people to enjoy, DP2 for some reason ads in stuff like crafting mechanics! the shooting sections of DP1 are arguably its lowest point, but the action bits here are just pathetic. copy-pasted hallways with no real set-pieces or cool enemies or interesting scenarios or just anything, really. there is NOTHING going on in them and i'm deeply sad to say that's representative of the entire game. i loved Deadly Premonition but i wish this game never came out. it was nice seeing York again, the future bits and Patti are fun, but it wasn't worth it. also seriously why the fuck does he keep trying to write trans characters?
unfortunately, it was a genuinely straining experience to play. the story here just does not hit. the first game is largely a Twin Peaks S1/2 ripoff but it has a ton of charm and ends up being its own thing by the time the credits roll that left a lasting impression on me. Greenvale felt well realized, it felt fun to explore and had a breadth of characters that were exciting and memorable. There are so few characters in DP2 and most of them are stock asset models (INCLUDING THE MAFIA CITY GUY.) in terms of the few actual characters in this one, Patti steals the show. She's great, every time her and York talk is amazing and is far and away the best material in this game. there are hardly any other memorable characters, and some of them are memorable for not good reasons. like the horribly written trans character who is also an incest for some fucking reason (can someone please stop letting Swery write trans characters please), Patti's dad who is cool until he's evil at the very end for a very poorly defined reason, magical voodoo man plot device, and the wacky lol hotel clerk. the eccentricity of DP2 often feels forced, hollow - likely because there is nothing else of substance here. There aren't many people in the town and said town does not feel nearly as alive and fun as Greenvale did, which is fucked considering the difference between the towns on the outside. also helps that DP1 didn't run at consistent sub-10 FPS and look ungodly ugly - it's become part of the weird narrative surrounding DP1 that it was always ugly and performed badly but that's not really true. it was basically a PS2 game on 360, but it ran decently and looked good for what it was and when it was. DP2 looks like a asset flip phone game that'd be named Gand Thief Automobile. just like those kinds of asinine games for sewer people to enjoy, DP2 for some reason ads in stuff like crafting mechanics! the shooting sections of DP1 are arguably its lowest point, but the action bits here are just pathetic. copy-pasted hallways with no real set-pieces or cool enemies or interesting scenarios or just anything, really. there is NOTHING going on in them and i'm deeply sad to say that's representative of the entire game. i loved Deadly Premonition but i wish this game never came out. it was nice seeing York again, the future bits and Patti are fun, but it wasn't worth it. also seriously why the fuck does he keep trying to write trans characters?
i really don't know why Swery is so focused on telling stories about trans people, it's clearly coming from a place of goodwill so there is that, but thankfully this is EASILY the least bad one he's done. compared to Deadly Premonition 2 it is, uh, not Deadly Premonition 2. still, i find its story kinda surface-level. i'm sure it hits hard for cis people and babyqueers but as someone who transitioned like eight years ago it just doesn't have the nuance i'm looking for in this sort of story. it was really buggy, tho that was on the Switch version (which you should probably avoid if you care about performance as well.) The game itself is a decent, lots of pretty rudimentary puzzles involving you mutilating yourself and using your body parts as puzzle pieces. I like those gory aspects, it's like a transgender Mr. Bones, but i'm kinda iffy on how they relate to the narrative. coming out and finding yourself can be dangerous, it can be scary and freaky, but there's a triumphant joy to that shit which i don't think this game captures. that's defo a 'your mileage may vary' type thing but the game not being made by a trans person makes me really dislike it. too simple, too dour, too obvious. it gets close, it's an earnest shot, but it doesn't do it for me.
2000
(the bouncer voice) the bouncer
oh. oh my god. oh. oh nooo. so this game got taken down by the devs because a furry pedo worked on it, who's fetishes were blatantly strewn into the game. There's a weird settlement of horny lizard people who are very aggravating to listen to. There's a companion that's a young woman slave that you can have a horrific, discord groomer esque relationship with. There's dialogue from said slave girl about how stinky and smelly her feet are.
and worst of all, there's this.
https://youtu.be/JiA3t7c9voU
i cannot explain how painful it is to witness this part of the game, i can only share it with you and apologize. this has got to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen in a video game. HOW. Like, you could at least make them sentient intelligent creatures!!! i can't say for certain if this was really all this one specific furry's fault, it seems insane for an entire team to not catch this and take issue with it, but dawg WHY would you put that in your militaristic Fallout mod????
aside from that, this just isn't very good. the writing is verrrryyy poor, there's a lot of odd combat/narrative set pieces that do not fit in with the game, and overall it feels unfocused and misguided. i truly do not know why one would want to make an action-heavy game full of linear, CoD-esque setpieces and put it in Fallout: New Vegas of all games. extremely impressive game, though. what they manage to do technically on this engine is marvelous.
and worst of all, there's this.
https://youtu.be/JiA3t7c9voU
i cannot explain how painful it is to witness this part of the game, i can only share it with you and apologize. this has got to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen in a video game. HOW. Like, you could at least make them sentient intelligent creatures!!! i can't say for certain if this was really all this one specific furry's fault, it seems insane for an entire team to not catch this and take issue with it, but dawg WHY would you put that in your militaristic Fallout mod????
aside from that, this just isn't very good. the writing is verrrryyy poor, there's a lot of odd combat/narrative set pieces that do not fit in with the game, and overall it feels unfocused and misguided. i truly do not know why one would want to make an action-heavy game full of linear, CoD-esque setpieces and put it in Fallout: New Vegas of all games. extremely impressive game, though. what they manage to do technically on this engine is marvelous.
2000
fucked up how they hid a decent game behind all of its worst levels. the opening part is a cramped slog with the most tiny and annoying enemies in the game, but it actually gets pretty fun afterwards provided you turn off the NPC escort mechanics. doesn't help that you start with the least satisfying weapons too, there's some really neat ones later on. i'll always defend the rocket jump shotgun in particular, you just know John Romero was tired of taking splash damage in deathmatch and made it that way just for himself. the story is dog ass, but it's also really funny and has Superfly Johnson, so really who can say if it's good or not? it isn't. but if it was widely considered good and successful, Romero would've never been humbled and we would be living in the timeline where both Romero and Carmack are evil.
2017
smash but it continuously makes me happy. it feels fantastic, its mechanics feel so much better than smash in a way that's simultaneously simpler and more complex. I LOVE the lack of ledges so much, the alternative recovery options makes edge guarding much more viable and fun. YOU CAN WAVEDASH and it actually feels great. I generally love the cast (Clairen and Elliana are too sick for me not to play) and if you don't like the cast there's infinite additional Steam workshop characters. play as other game characters! play as genuinely cool OCs that feel thought out and fit in the game aesthetically and lorewise! play as someone's weird self indulgent OC! play the game or die
and it has a really good Geno workshop character which is the closest i'll ever get to happiness
and it has a really good Geno workshop character which is the closest i'll ever get to happiness
2010
this was the sickest shit i had ever seen on an ipod in 2010. shame that you can't play these anymore.
mobile games are a joke now. they're made for the sole purpose of harvesting as much cash as possible - whether that be from casual audiences, kids, or the 'people' who play gacha games and let themselves become more beast than man. but for a brief time, mobile gaming had promise. quick, cute, arcade-styled games ruled the market and weren't squarely focused on scamming you, but there wasn't really a substantive, impressive title for mobile. until THIS came out. this shit was nuts, at the time. it had atmosphere, actual gameplay, cool visuals - at the time i thought this was the future of mobile games. this was a bright, shining testament to the ingenuity possible in the mobile games market. now, it isn't even playable any more. lost to time in a sea of fuckin kim kardashian wait 14 hours to build a store games, banished into nothingness while anime girls get slightly naked if you pay several hundred dollars. shame, really.
mobile games are a joke now. they're made for the sole purpose of harvesting as much cash as possible - whether that be from casual audiences, kids, or the 'people' who play gacha games and let themselves become more beast than man. but for a brief time, mobile gaming had promise. quick, cute, arcade-styled games ruled the market and weren't squarely focused on scamming you, but there wasn't really a substantive, impressive title for mobile. until THIS came out. this shit was nuts, at the time. it had atmosphere, actual gameplay, cool visuals - at the time i thought this was the future of mobile games. this was a bright, shining testament to the ingenuity possible in the mobile games market. now, it isn't even playable any more. lost to time in a sea of fuckin kim kardashian wait 14 hours to build a store games, banished into nothingness while anime girls get slightly naked if you pay several hundred dollars. shame, really.
1991
this one drug addled but wordly and kind seeming soon-to-be sex worker 11 yr old gave this to me when i was really young and i know she got addicted to crack later in life cuz she got them hives but i hope she's doing okay. she definitely isn't. she was sexually assaulted at a young age. Super R-Type on SNES.