TheQuietGamer
2010
In a way this was almost a tough one to rate. It’s such a pitiful wad of nothing that it's hard to get genuinely offended by it, but at the same time doesn't deserve a score high enough to make people think it's more mediocre than it is tragically pathetic. With its isometric perspective a first glance will give you the impression that this is a throwback to the original 1997 title which started it all. That may have sort of been the intent, but the gameplay loop is entirely different. Rather than massacring everyone onscreen you're instead trekking to some point on the map, clicking through mundane dialogue boxes (I think the writing is trying to be funny and/or satirical, but misses both marks by a mile) once you get there, and then usually shooting the NPC you just got done talking to. Repeat ad nauseam for a brief handful of levels and with all the speed of a PowerPoint slideshow presentation.
To be clear, you CAN go on a rampaging killing spree in any of the fairly open and sizeable environments whenever you want. Cops will even spawn in to give you someone to fight back against. There's just absolutely no reason to do so other than I guess getting a higher score at the end of the stage (whoop-de-freaking-doo). Still, I could see that providing some mindless distraction while sitting in a waiting room or something, were it not for how bad the combat is. All you do is move forward until a green box indicating you've locked onto something appears and hold the fire key until it falls down or limply explodes. It's simplistic to an unexciting fault. Did I mention the only sound you'll hear is a single grating track played constantly on loop?
This is especially unacceptable and embarrassing for the developer when you consider that it came out back in 2010. Yeah, the year we got stuff like Spider-Man: Total Mayhem. I get that it's more than a little unfair to compare a Java game to one that came out on iPhone and Android, yet even on the J2ME scene there was a fully 3D Quake spin-off released around the same time. It wasn't exactly great either (an FPS on a keypad? No thank you!), but at least that was impressive for what it attempted given the technology. Postal's second outing on cellphones is a lifeless, dull, and ultimately empty experience not really worthy of so much as passing curiosity from the fanbase, however. The sole trace of depth comes in the form of the perks and guns that unlock as you go, which you can use to create your own loadout before each chapter. With that being a basically pointless feature though considering how little you do across the minuscule campaign I feel like at the end of the day even the mobile version of Metal Gear: Acid had more going on than this.
4.9/10
To be clear, you CAN go on a rampaging killing spree in any of the fairly open and sizeable environments whenever you want. Cops will even spawn in to give you someone to fight back against. There's just absolutely no reason to do so other than I guess getting a higher score at the end of the stage (whoop-de-freaking-doo). Still, I could see that providing some mindless distraction while sitting in a waiting room or something, were it not for how bad the combat is. All you do is move forward until a green box indicating you've locked onto something appears and hold the fire key until it falls down or limply explodes. It's simplistic to an unexciting fault. Did I mention the only sound you'll hear is a single grating track played constantly on loop?
This is especially unacceptable and embarrassing for the developer when you consider that it came out back in 2010. Yeah, the year we got stuff like Spider-Man: Total Mayhem. I get that it's more than a little unfair to compare a Java game to one that came out on iPhone and Android, yet even on the J2ME scene there was a fully 3D Quake spin-off released around the same time. It wasn't exactly great either (an FPS on a keypad? No thank you!), but at least that was impressive for what it attempted given the technology. Postal's second outing on cellphones is a lifeless, dull, and ultimately empty experience not really worthy of so much as passing curiosity from the fanbase, however. The sole trace of depth comes in the form of the perks and guns that unlock as you go, which you can use to create your own loadout before each chapter. With that being a basically pointless feature though considering how little you do across the minuscule campaign I feel like at the end of the day even the mobile version of Metal Gear: Acid had more going on than this.
4.9/10
The best 2D Prince of Persia, and it's not close. The franchise’s first entry in roughly 14 years, save for a few mobile titles in between, goes the Metroidvania route. Let me tell you, it does a far better job of it than the previous attempt did. This is also the first installment to really take Warrior Within's concept of giving players a big, interconnected world to explore and fully run with it. The results are absolutely phenomenal.
Mount Qaf is an immediately enchanting place packed with a plethora of different biomes and interior settings, each featuring their own unique quirks such as staircases that change orientation depending on which way you're facing or rivers of poisonous sludge that will have you playing a toxiphobic version of the floor is lava, that I OBSESSED over exploring every inch of with the same verve I do when gradually taking all trailheads at new hiking spots I come across in real life. It's something that I was always rewarded for too in the form of treasures I could use to make myself more powerful, and because of that it is highly recommended you take the time to do so as well.
From platforming challenges that practically demand perfection to borderline Soulsborne caliber boss battles, the map is positively brimming with danger. Often the smartest decision you can make is to regularly hold off on your primary objective to check out all the new side-paths and quests that open up upon receiving the next experience-redefining ability in order to find stuff that will allow you to become stronger. A prospect that's made easier than ever thanks to the game-changing for the genre inclusion of being able to snap a picture of (or just place an icon next to) whatever obstacle or puzzle you don't know how to get past yet on the map to give you a reminder to come back to it later. I'm sure there are those who will take issue with this feature by viewing it as the devs cheapening the adventure by catering to the "casuals," but players are limited in the amount they can place down at one time and it's totally optional whether you use this or not.
There are actually a lot of options that allow you to customize the difficulty to your liking, be it going for a more guided structure with markers pointing you to the subsequent story mission or stripping back any info on where you're supposed to go next entirely to so much else. Everything right down to how tough regular enemies are can be tailored to make the package as accessible, hardcore, or immersive as you want it to be. It's similar to what we saw in Ubisoft's recent Avatar game, and is an approach to how they now design their products that I feel the company isn't being given enough (or truly any) credit for.
You have the same amount of flexibility when it comes to determining your playstyle as well thanks to the amulet system. These upgradable trinkets afford a near RPG level of depth to crafting your own build. I have a buddy who went for a nimble ranged warrior that could slow down time to line up the perfect shot and would punish foes foolish enough to get in close by dealing swift, painful retribution with every dodge. Far cleverer than the almost pure melee tank I opted for with its high damage resistance and output alongside the increased capability to charge special attacks with each sword swipe and well-timed parry, but as a dude who loves to be right up in the action, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
What makes everything I've just talked about so fantastic is the nigh immaculate core platforming and combat mechanics at the heart of it all. You can clearly see the touches of Super Meat Boy in the former, but the manner in which you'll be regularly required to chain together the various midair dashes, double jumps, and phases through realities without touching the ground undeniably calls to mind the massively underrated Forgotten Sands. The sheer seamlessness with which you can do this on the fly is astounding, removing much of the frustration that would otherwise occur from repeated failures at the especially Herculean sequences you'll encounter. Fights feel mostly fantastic and provide a consistent healthy test of your skills. I had to get used to parrying slightly before when felt most natural due to the physically lengthier triggers on the Xbox controller taking a split second longer to fully pull inwards than PlayStation's or tapping a key on a keyboard in comparison. Also screw the occasional unavoidable boss attack, those flying ghost enemies you can't effectively deal with until the late-game, and the entirety of the brief Raging Sea area. Yet, despite these petty complaints the act of toppling Persia's massive deities and mightiest heroes is so immensely gratifying that my minor quibbles honestly don't matter.
Legitimately the only aspect of The Lost Crown I actively didn't enjoy was the plot. It's not bad, just runs into the same problem as the 2008 reboot where I didn't care enough about anyone onscreen (except Fariba) to become invested in what they were doing in the cutscenes. There's also some weird cultural appropriation thing going on. The main character is sporting the Killmonger haircut, Neith is obviously a black woman, Menolias wouldn't look out of place in Disney's old animated Mulan movie, and Queen Thomyris looks suspiciously Caucasian with that makeup. I get diversity is important, I simply find it weird there are so few people who seriously appear Persian in a game called Prince of Persia. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, since the French have been a little backwards in this department for a minute now (relax, half my DNA is French so I can say that).
It's crazy to think that 2024 has basically just started and we already have an early contender for GOTY. I would recommend this as strongly to those unfamiliar with the genre as I would its seasoned veterans. It made transitioning to a more demanding style of gameplay than I traditionally go for painless to the degree that I went and unlocked every achievement. In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I would have preferred another 3D outing as I would still take the Sands titles over this any day, even the Forgotten one, but if this is the direction they're intent on going you will hear no grumbling from me.
9/10
Mount Qaf is an immediately enchanting place packed with a plethora of different biomes and interior settings, each featuring their own unique quirks such as staircases that change orientation depending on which way you're facing or rivers of poisonous sludge that will have you playing a toxiphobic version of the floor is lava, that I OBSESSED over exploring every inch of with the same verve I do when gradually taking all trailheads at new hiking spots I come across in real life. It's something that I was always rewarded for too in the form of treasures I could use to make myself more powerful, and because of that it is highly recommended you take the time to do so as well.
From platforming challenges that practically demand perfection to borderline Soulsborne caliber boss battles, the map is positively brimming with danger. Often the smartest decision you can make is to regularly hold off on your primary objective to check out all the new side-paths and quests that open up upon receiving the next experience-redefining ability in order to find stuff that will allow you to become stronger. A prospect that's made easier than ever thanks to the game-changing for the genre inclusion of being able to snap a picture of (or just place an icon next to) whatever obstacle or puzzle you don't know how to get past yet on the map to give you a reminder to come back to it later. I'm sure there are those who will take issue with this feature by viewing it as the devs cheapening the adventure by catering to the "casuals," but players are limited in the amount they can place down at one time and it's totally optional whether you use this or not.
There are actually a lot of options that allow you to customize the difficulty to your liking, be it going for a more guided structure with markers pointing you to the subsequent story mission or stripping back any info on where you're supposed to go next entirely to so much else. Everything right down to how tough regular enemies are can be tailored to make the package as accessible, hardcore, or immersive as you want it to be. It's similar to what we saw in Ubisoft's recent Avatar game, and is an approach to how they now design their products that I feel the company isn't being given enough (or truly any) credit for.
You have the same amount of flexibility when it comes to determining your playstyle as well thanks to the amulet system. These upgradable trinkets afford a near RPG level of depth to crafting your own build. I have a buddy who went for a nimble ranged warrior that could slow down time to line up the perfect shot and would punish foes foolish enough to get in close by dealing swift, painful retribution with every dodge. Far cleverer than the almost pure melee tank I opted for with its high damage resistance and output alongside the increased capability to charge special attacks with each sword swipe and well-timed parry, but as a dude who loves to be right up in the action, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
What makes everything I've just talked about so fantastic is the nigh immaculate core platforming and combat mechanics at the heart of it all. You can clearly see the touches of Super Meat Boy in the former, but the manner in which you'll be regularly required to chain together the various midair dashes, double jumps, and phases through realities without touching the ground undeniably calls to mind the massively underrated Forgotten Sands. The sheer seamlessness with which you can do this on the fly is astounding, removing much of the frustration that would otherwise occur from repeated failures at the especially Herculean sequences you'll encounter. Fights feel mostly fantastic and provide a consistent healthy test of your skills. I had to get used to parrying slightly before when felt most natural due to the physically lengthier triggers on the Xbox controller taking a split second longer to fully pull inwards than PlayStation's or tapping a key on a keyboard in comparison. Also screw the occasional unavoidable boss attack, those flying ghost enemies you can't effectively deal with until the late-game, and the entirety of the brief Raging Sea area. Yet, despite these petty complaints the act of toppling Persia's massive deities and mightiest heroes is so immensely gratifying that my minor quibbles honestly don't matter.
Legitimately the only aspect of The Lost Crown I actively didn't enjoy was the plot. It's not bad, just runs into the same problem as the 2008 reboot where I didn't care enough about anyone onscreen (except Fariba) to become invested in what they were doing in the cutscenes. There's also some weird cultural appropriation thing going on. The main character is sporting the Killmonger haircut, Neith is obviously a black woman, Menolias wouldn't look out of place in Disney's old animated Mulan movie, and Queen Thomyris looks suspiciously Caucasian with that makeup. I get diversity is important, I simply find it weird there are so few people who seriously appear Persian in a game called Prince of Persia. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, since the French have been a little backwards in this department for a minute now (relax, half my DNA is French so I can say that).
It's crazy to think that 2024 has basically just started and we already have an early contender for GOTY. I would recommend this as strongly to those unfamiliar with the genre as I would its seasoned veterans. It made transitioning to a more demanding style of gameplay than I traditionally go for painless to the degree that I went and unlocked every achievement. In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I would have preferred another 3D outing as I would still take the Sands titles over this any day, even the Forgotten one, but if this is the direction they're intent on going you will hear no grumbling from me.
9/10
The most overrated Star Wars game? This received strong reviews back in the day, is still held in high regard by the fanbase, and secondhand copies could go for pretty high up until it got rereleased on the Switch and PS4. I remember finding mine in a store years ago for roughly $21 and thinking that was a steal. Little did I know that when I would finally get around to playing it much later, I wouldn't end up having much fun.
Let me be clear, I absolutely LOVE what they were going for tonally. From the insurmountable odds, enemies that were fodder in the movies being turned into legitimate threats, and the occasional splatters of alien blood on your visor Republic Commando expertly captures the tone of a gritty war film. It does a better job of showing a darker, more desperate side of the franchise's conflicts from the perspective of an expendable grunt while still managing to stay true to that classic Star Wars feel than the likes of Rogue One or Andor have. At least until that ill-fitting credits song. If you thought Godsmack was out of place in Prince of Persia, let me tell you mid-2000s misplaced teen angst had nothing on this.
Unfortunately, the actual gameplay isn't as enjoyable. RC is a tactical first-person shooter that doesn't get the shooting, combat sequences, or arguably even the squad control mechanics right. I get you aren't supposed to be a gung-ho killing machine in these types of games, but I at least expected to be able to AIM properly. Targeting with the right joystick is bafflingly stiff, awkward, and clunky making it hard to hit exactly what you want to even with the overly large reticle taking up the center of the screen. To put it simply, Halo this ain't. That's a real problem when the campaign inexplicably wants to try its hand at being a regular FPS at points by stripping you of your AI-controlled allies and forcing you to go it alone. The poor gunplay and speed at which your enemies can kill you can make these stretches quite a drag.
Luckily, most of the time you're with your three AI teammates. It doesn't necessarily make things all that much better, but battles are less of a pain. Well, before they start artificially increasing the difficulty by continuously throwing more of the bullet-sponge special foes at you at once, that is. Your fellow members of Delta Squad are impressively competent on the battlefield. Honestly, the most you'll ever really have to do is point them to spots where they can lay down sniper or heavy weapons fire, focus all their attention on a specific threat, and occasionally tell them to heal up. For the most part though, they can handle themselves and whatever danger is headed their way so there's not always a reason to give them any direction at all. It kind of makes it hard to be excited about anything when you realize the action almost exclusively consists of walking forward until reaching the next area where you'll need to hunker down for a bit to fend of repetitive waves of hostiles, and that in most cases the smartest strategic leadership decision you can make is to just simply sit back and let your subordinates take care of everything. Especially in the stages where ammo pickups are scarce often leaving you with dry blasters. Also, I mean, come on... Ammo? In a SW title?
A shame, because the settings these firefights take place in are genuinely fantastic. From the massive canyons on Geonosis to the sprawling bowels of a Republic capital ship and the immense forest that is planet Kashyyyk, the level design has such a way with scope so that you're fully aware of exactly how VAST these locations actually are in a manner I've not personally experienced from another piece of Star Wars media despite the linear paths you travel through them. I caught myself wishing there was more going on with the writing to accompany the sights. RC is solely focused on delivering its central premise alone, so there's not much happening narratively. Delta are an amusing bunch, particularly Scorch who sounds and acts so similar with his constant sarcastic lines like Grif from Red vs. Blue I legitimately had to check to see if they were voiced by the same person (they're not, it's some dude named Raphael Sbarge), but they really aren't given a whole lot to do. There are some interesting lore tidbits such as the revelation that bullets were once a thing in the galaxy far, far away, and while I wasn't expecting something too significant from an EU story I did at least think there would be a semi-decent plot to keep me invested. Yet, after progressing through the three different scenarios you're treated to a hilariously abrupt conclusion that feels less as if intended to hammer home the theme of stepping into the role of a highly dispensable soldier, and more along the lines of they ran out of development time to include the final mission or two.
Republic Commando isn't a bad game. It simply never does anything it sets out to do all that well. Except maybe multiplayer, it's most praised aspect on release. Naturally however, the servers have long since been shut down so on the OG Xbox in 2024 that's far from a selling point. Even if you were up to go the split-screen route, man, I'd have to recommend you just choose Halo instead any day. As a hardcore fan of the property, I view this as an altogether skippable and forgettable experience. Of all the prequel era SW I've been annoyed by seeing get demoted to "Legends" status (because it's not like Disney is doing anything with this period of the franchise anyways), I'm not too sour about this one.
5/10
Let me be clear, I absolutely LOVE what they were going for tonally. From the insurmountable odds, enemies that were fodder in the movies being turned into legitimate threats, and the occasional splatters of alien blood on your visor Republic Commando expertly captures the tone of a gritty war film. It does a better job of showing a darker, more desperate side of the franchise's conflicts from the perspective of an expendable grunt while still managing to stay true to that classic Star Wars feel than the likes of Rogue One or Andor have. At least until that ill-fitting credits song. If you thought Godsmack was out of place in Prince of Persia, let me tell you mid-2000s misplaced teen angst had nothing on this.
Unfortunately, the actual gameplay isn't as enjoyable. RC is a tactical first-person shooter that doesn't get the shooting, combat sequences, or arguably even the squad control mechanics right. I get you aren't supposed to be a gung-ho killing machine in these types of games, but I at least expected to be able to AIM properly. Targeting with the right joystick is bafflingly stiff, awkward, and clunky making it hard to hit exactly what you want to even with the overly large reticle taking up the center of the screen. To put it simply, Halo this ain't. That's a real problem when the campaign inexplicably wants to try its hand at being a regular FPS at points by stripping you of your AI-controlled allies and forcing you to go it alone. The poor gunplay and speed at which your enemies can kill you can make these stretches quite a drag.
Luckily, most of the time you're with your three AI teammates. It doesn't necessarily make things all that much better, but battles are less of a pain. Well, before they start artificially increasing the difficulty by continuously throwing more of the bullet-sponge special foes at you at once, that is. Your fellow members of Delta Squad are impressively competent on the battlefield. Honestly, the most you'll ever really have to do is point them to spots where they can lay down sniper or heavy weapons fire, focus all their attention on a specific threat, and occasionally tell them to heal up. For the most part though, they can handle themselves and whatever danger is headed their way so there's not always a reason to give them any direction at all. It kind of makes it hard to be excited about anything when you realize the action almost exclusively consists of walking forward until reaching the next area where you'll need to hunker down for a bit to fend of repetitive waves of hostiles, and that in most cases the smartest strategic leadership decision you can make is to just simply sit back and let your subordinates take care of everything. Especially in the stages where ammo pickups are scarce often leaving you with dry blasters. Also, I mean, come on... Ammo? In a SW title?
A shame, because the settings these firefights take place in are genuinely fantastic. From the massive canyons on Geonosis to the sprawling bowels of a Republic capital ship and the immense forest that is planet Kashyyyk, the level design has such a way with scope so that you're fully aware of exactly how VAST these locations actually are in a manner I've not personally experienced from another piece of Star Wars media despite the linear paths you travel through them. I caught myself wishing there was more going on with the writing to accompany the sights. RC is solely focused on delivering its central premise alone, so there's not much happening narratively. Delta are an amusing bunch, particularly Scorch who sounds and acts so similar with his constant sarcastic lines like Grif from Red vs. Blue I legitimately had to check to see if they were voiced by the same person (they're not, it's some dude named Raphael Sbarge), but they really aren't given a whole lot to do. There are some interesting lore tidbits such as the revelation that bullets were once a thing in the galaxy far, far away, and while I wasn't expecting something too significant from an EU story I did at least think there would be a semi-decent plot to keep me invested. Yet, after progressing through the three different scenarios you're treated to a hilariously abrupt conclusion that feels less as if intended to hammer home the theme of stepping into the role of a highly dispensable soldier, and more along the lines of they ran out of development time to include the final mission or two.
Republic Commando isn't a bad game. It simply never does anything it sets out to do all that well. Except maybe multiplayer, it's most praised aspect on release. Naturally however, the servers have long since been shut down so on the OG Xbox in 2024 that's far from a selling point. Even if you were up to go the split-screen route, man, I'd have to recommend you just choose Halo instead any day. As a hardcore fan of the property, I view this as an altogether skippable and forgettable experience. Of all the prequel era SW I've been annoyed by seeing get demoted to "Legends" status (because it's not like Disney is doing anything with this period of the franchise anyways), I'm not too sour about this one.
5/10
Even people who hate the prequels tend to love the podracing scenes. As much crap as those movies get, I think we can all appreciate how they opened up the door for a lot of fun and exciting avenues for "EU" or, as it's known these days, "Legends" (screw you very much for that Disney) to explore in ways the OT never did. A personal favorite from my childhood, seeing this ported over to more modern hardware does my heart good and getting to revisit it after all these years allowed me to happily realize it's still the absolute banger I remember it as.
What sets Racer apart, aside from the franchise's iconic aesthetic and score (Duel of the Fates plays over the main menu. Epic!), is its unparalleled sense of speed. The game is all about managing impossibly sharp turns and split-second reactions while moving at a rate that would make a certain anthropomorphic blue hedgehog jealous. Except for that stupid endgame race where you unlock Bozzie Baranta which forces you pump the breaks hard at a couple of points to avoid falling down to some lower tracks that will basically spell the end of any chance of victory if not avoided. Buncha Bantha poodoo, that one is.
This is accompanied by some fantastic track design that really tests your ability to remain in control at such an exhilarating pace. Their variety is also seriously impressive. You'll revisit the same handful of planets over and over again, so you'll have to watch their opening cutscenes multiple times, but the courses themselves always shake things up with big alterations or entirely new elements that ensure there's no feeling of repetition despite the reused assets. There's even a lot of surprise depth here in the form of purchasing parts to upgrade your roster of vehicles and alternate modes to help you practice to improve your lap times. The sole thing missing is better competitive play as your stuck with exclusively local two-player.
It will never happen as Disney is absolutely TERRIFIED of leaving their little post-prequel, pre-sequel trilogy era safe-space they are enjoying a modicum of success in, the fact that this saw a rerelease at all is something of a minor miracle, but I would ADORE this concept being revived with full 12-player online multiplayer. There are certainly enough unique racers here with their own stats to give you an idea of what an enticing prospect that would be. Regardless, this is the rare, basically single-player only racing title that will delight you nonetheless with how well it brings even the most devout haters favorite part of The Phantom Menace to life for you to experience for yourself. With shocking fidelity to boot! Actual actors from the film such as Jake Lloyd, Lewis MacLeod, and Andy Secombe reprise their roles for authenticity. Undoubtedly among the best Star Wars games that ever has been or will be made. Nobody did it like old school LucasArts.
9/10
What sets Racer apart, aside from the franchise's iconic aesthetic and score (Duel of the Fates plays over the main menu. Epic!), is its unparalleled sense of speed. The game is all about managing impossibly sharp turns and split-second reactions while moving at a rate that would make a certain anthropomorphic blue hedgehog jealous. Except for that stupid endgame race where you unlock Bozzie Baranta which forces you pump the breaks hard at a couple of points to avoid falling down to some lower tracks that will basically spell the end of any chance of victory if not avoided. Buncha Bantha poodoo, that one is.
This is accompanied by some fantastic track design that really tests your ability to remain in control at such an exhilarating pace. Their variety is also seriously impressive. You'll revisit the same handful of planets over and over again, so you'll have to watch their opening cutscenes multiple times, but the courses themselves always shake things up with big alterations or entirely new elements that ensure there's no feeling of repetition despite the reused assets. There's even a lot of surprise depth here in the form of purchasing parts to upgrade your roster of vehicles and alternate modes to help you practice to improve your lap times. The sole thing missing is better competitive play as your stuck with exclusively local two-player.
It will never happen as Disney is absolutely TERRIFIED of leaving their little post-prequel, pre-sequel trilogy era safe-space they are enjoying a modicum of success in, the fact that this saw a rerelease at all is something of a minor miracle, but I would ADORE this concept being revived with full 12-player online multiplayer. There are certainly enough unique racers here with their own stats to give you an idea of what an enticing prospect that would be. Regardless, this is the rare, basically single-player only racing title that will delight you nonetheless with how well it brings even the most devout haters favorite part of The Phantom Menace to life for you to experience for yourself. With shocking fidelity to boot! Actual actors from the film such as Jake Lloyd, Lewis MacLeod, and Andy Secombe reprise their roles for authenticity. Undoubtedly among the best Star Wars games that ever has been or will be made. Nobody did it like old school LucasArts.
9/10
Weakest combat, worst checkpoint placement, buggiest gameplay, and the poorest sound mixing (with once again no subtitle option to help your straining ears) out of the Sands trilogy. Yet, it's hard to be any less enamored with the experience given how it brings the story of this iteration of the titular character full circle. No longer the prideful young man we met in SoT or the angry, desperate individual he was in WW, The Two Thrones finds the Prince more solemn in demeanor. Seasoned, weary, and haunted by his past adventures and mistakes. This concluding chapter of his tale is all about him learning to face the consequences of his actions and overcoming the evils of vanity and selfishness in his heart to become the king his people deserve. It's themes of personal growth are powerful and add an emotional component to the story that was missing in its most direct predecessor, as our hero struggles with the temptations offered when the darker aspects of his personality are literally given a voice of their own and a returning love interest (herself having been a bit hardened by events) brings his honorable qualities back to the surface. That final segment before the credits roll where the two halves of his soul battle it out for supremacy, which I had honestly completely forgotten about, really spoke to me and brought about some personal realizations, allowing me to grow alongside the protagonist.
So the writing absolutely delivers in all the ways you'd hope, even exceeding expectations in terms of depth, and luckily while I do have my minor qualms the gameplay does as well. Triple T takes the best received elements from Warrior Within (the combo system, secondary weapons, etc.) and places them in the structure of Time. Although it is a little disappointing to see them forgo the second entry's larger scale rather than further refining and expanding upon it in favor of returning to a linear format, the title's new inclusions to the formula keep things from ever feeling like a total retread. Challenging chariot chase segments have been introduced alongside a variety of original twists on traps and platforming objects such as plates for stabbing your dagger into to hang on walls and panels that can launch you at angles. All of which come off as right at home in the series. Heck, the ability to now perch atop the bars you could previously only swing on is so natural I truly wondered why no one had thought of it sooner. Then there are the creative and exciting scenarios you'll encounter, from making your way through pitch-black ruins by only the glow of a magic sword to scaling the exterior of the massive Tower of Babel, that are memorable enough to help distinguish it in the minds of the players.
I suppose now would be the time to address my comments at the start of this review made in regards to the combat. It's not bad since the game basically uses the same system as Within, but attacks don't carry the same weight, there's a severely smaller pool of secondary weapons, throwing said secondary weapons is entirely unreliable now in terms of whether they'll hit the target or not, and despite looking cool the enemies aren't much fun to actually fight. As a result, I really only enjoyed battles when playing the "Dark Prince" segments. Two Thrones takes the relatively brief Sand Wraith section from the previous outing and runs with it. At regular points you'll swap over to this ancillary character who's devastating chain whip is a blast and can even let you swing across large gaps, more than making up for his constantly draining health. Most of the time you're the standard Prince however, so you'll probably want to avoid engaging with the local threats as much as possible. I imagine this was done to emphasize the new "speed" QTE stealth kills you can trigger by approaching an unaware enemy from behind, which on top of being a solid way to bypass the tedium of clashing with aggressive bands of soldiers also serve to reinforce why I love this title's location so much in a way.
Babylon might be my favorite setting in the franchise thus far. Not just because it's gorgeous and features fantastic level design with stellar environments that have remained etched in my brain for years, but thanks to its phenomenal tone as well. The vibe of being a lone, underequipped individual in a city being overtaken by hostile invaders who's only surviving the war going on around him by sticking to back alleys and streets less-traveled is near-perfectly captured. It reminded me a lot of Call of Duty missions I've played where you're sneaking through some Middle Eastern town to eliminate a high-profile target, stretched out into an entire campaign with that same sense of tension and insurmountable odds.
My point only other complaints stem from the technical side of the package. I've encountered a ton of minor visual goofs (locks of hair poking through faces, swords facing wrong angles in hands, and so on), foes inexplicably walking in circles and becoming invincible in corners rather than attacking me, and it's always annoying to have constantly toggle the volume on your TV because you can't hear what's being said in a cutscene or over the background noise all of the sudden. Stuff like that alongside how this apparently backtracks on the plans for increasing the property's scope the prior installment started should mean this is the weakest of its trilogy for me. Instead, it's currently my second favorite entry in the franchise overall as of this writing. The Two Thrones is a worthy conclusion for Prince of Persia's Sands storyline that takes the brand's always exhilarating parkour platforming and pairs it with some of its strongest writing thematically to give its protagonist the satisfying send-off they deserve, and create another standout gaming experience in the process that defies its age to remain a must-play for any and everyone.
9.2/10
So the writing absolutely delivers in all the ways you'd hope, even exceeding expectations in terms of depth, and luckily while I do have my minor qualms the gameplay does as well. Triple T takes the best received elements from Warrior Within (the combo system, secondary weapons, etc.) and places them in the structure of Time. Although it is a little disappointing to see them forgo the second entry's larger scale rather than further refining and expanding upon it in favor of returning to a linear format, the title's new inclusions to the formula keep things from ever feeling like a total retread. Challenging chariot chase segments have been introduced alongside a variety of original twists on traps and platforming objects such as plates for stabbing your dagger into to hang on walls and panels that can launch you at angles. All of which come off as right at home in the series. Heck, the ability to now perch atop the bars you could previously only swing on is so natural I truly wondered why no one had thought of it sooner. Then there are the creative and exciting scenarios you'll encounter, from making your way through pitch-black ruins by only the glow of a magic sword to scaling the exterior of the massive Tower of Babel, that are memorable enough to help distinguish it in the minds of the players.
I suppose now would be the time to address my comments at the start of this review made in regards to the combat. It's not bad since the game basically uses the same system as Within, but attacks don't carry the same weight, there's a severely smaller pool of secondary weapons, throwing said secondary weapons is entirely unreliable now in terms of whether they'll hit the target or not, and despite looking cool the enemies aren't much fun to actually fight. As a result, I really only enjoyed battles when playing the "Dark Prince" segments. Two Thrones takes the relatively brief Sand Wraith section from the previous outing and runs with it. At regular points you'll swap over to this ancillary character who's devastating chain whip is a blast and can even let you swing across large gaps, more than making up for his constantly draining health. Most of the time you're the standard Prince however, so you'll probably want to avoid engaging with the local threats as much as possible. I imagine this was done to emphasize the new "speed" QTE stealth kills you can trigger by approaching an unaware enemy from behind, which on top of being a solid way to bypass the tedium of clashing with aggressive bands of soldiers also serve to reinforce why I love this title's location so much in a way.
Babylon might be my favorite setting in the franchise thus far. Not just because it's gorgeous and features fantastic level design with stellar environments that have remained etched in my brain for years, but thanks to its phenomenal tone as well. The vibe of being a lone, underequipped individual in a city being overtaken by hostile invaders who's only surviving the war going on around him by sticking to back alleys and streets less-traveled is near-perfectly captured. It reminded me a lot of Call of Duty missions I've played where you're sneaking through some Middle Eastern town to eliminate a high-profile target, stretched out into an entire campaign with that same sense of tension and insurmountable odds.
My point only other complaints stem from the technical side of the package. I've encountered a ton of minor visual goofs (locks of hair poking through faces, swords facing wrong angles in hands, and so on), foes inexplicably walking in circles and becoming invincible in corners rather than attacking me, and it's always annoying to have constantly toggle the volume on your TV because you can't hear what's being said in a cutscene or over the background noise all of the sudden. Stuff like that alongside how this apparently backtracks on the plans for increasing the property's scope the prior installment started should mean this is the weakest of its trilogy for me. Instead, it's currently my second favorite entry in the franchise overall as of this writing. The Two Thrones is a worthy conclusion for Prince of Persia's Sands storyline that takes the brand's always exhilarating parkour platforming and pairs it with some of its strongest writing thematically to give its protagonist the satisfying send-off they deserve, and create another standout gaming experience in the process that defies its age to remain a must-play for any and everyone.
9.2/10
Whoa, did some actual effort just go into a Onechanbara game? Alright, so maybe that's not fair. The whole point of these "Simple Series" titles was to be made as cheaply as possible, in order to be sold for as cheaply as possible. Seems like this one had a bit of a hike in budget though, especially compared to the other entries that saw a release here in the West. The enemies and stages still look like Unity Asset Store flips, but the character models for the girls themselves are quality and highly detailed. Plus, it lacks the blurry visuals of and features less repetitive level design than the two Bikini outings. Heck, there's even English voice acting accompanied by writing devoid of the bizarre self-seriousness of its predecessors and packing plenty of playful banter between the four ladies. Stuff that goes a long way towards injecting a much-needed dose of previously sorely missing energetic personality to the mix.
These fairly massive steps forward in the presentation department all feel like a push to attract a larger audience to the property than just horny weebs who don't mind jank. It's a nice effort, but unfortunately the thing that will continue to hold them back from that goal is the gameplay, although it's not as if progress wasn't made there as well. The action has undergone a significant, much appreciated upping of pace into faster and more furious territory. A new move lets you cover distance quickly by allowing you to lunge towards the undead with the push of a button and each swipe of your swords sends bright, flashy colors spilling across the screen. A welcome change from the slow, stiff combat of before. Fun secondary weapons such as giant chainsaws and a knockoff Blades of Athena also provide enough initial excitement to distract you early on from the problems of simplicity that eventually become apparent and keep this from ever sitting alongside the Ninja Gaidens and Devil May Crys of the world. Namely basic enemy types that offer no threat, top "V" rankings that can be easily scored through mere button-mashing, bosses you can't strategize against as there's no way to interrupt their attacks, and worst of the bunch being excessive padding in the later stages against brutally lengthy waves of damage-sponge special monsters. Stuff that turns the mindless entertainment into monotony if you don't regularly step away for a while.
There's certainly no depth to this hack and slasher. Although, if you're looking for some cheap titillation it's got that in spades. I've criticized this franchise in the past for failing to live up to its true raunchy potential. Well, that won't be the case here. Our heroines' swimsuit bottoms don't quite provide the necessary amount of coverage in the back (almost as if they're wearing them backwards or something) so there's always a pretty generous amount of butt-crack on display, their new super-powered forms often reveal their full rear-ends to the player, and there are plenty of naughty, naughty optional costumes to unlock. So, you gamers looking a decent cocktease finally have a viable enough option to pull yourselves off of Bayonetta for a minute. I suppose you could count that as another stride towards this property one day living up to the promise it still shows. It's not quite there yet, but it's getting closer. How mind-numbing it can be at points means the Wii entry remains my favorite. I do appreciate seeing that Tamsoft is making some necessary advancements in an attempt to achieve wider appeal, however.
7.3/10
These fairly massive steps forward in the presentation department all feel like a push to attract a larger audience to the property than just horny weebs who don't mind jank. It's a nice effort, but unfortunately the thing that will continue to hold them back from that goal is the gameplay, although it's not as if progress wasn't made there as well. The action has undergone a significant, much appreciated upping of pace into faster and more furious territory. A new move lets you cover distance quickly by allowing you to lunge towards the undead with the push of a button and each swipe of your swords sends bright, flashy colors spilling across the screen. A welcome change from the slow, stiff combat of before. Fun secondary weapons such as giant chainsaws and a knockoff Blades of Athena also provide enough initial excitement to distract you early on from the problems of simplicity that eventually become apparent and keep this from ever sitting alongside the Ninja Gaidens and Devil May Crys of the world. Namely basic enemy types that offer no threat, top "V" rankings that can be easily scored through mere button-mashing, bosses you can't strategize against as there's no way to interrupt their attacks, and worst of the bunch being excessive padding in the later stages against brutally lengthy waves of damage-sponge special monsters. Stuff that turns the mindless entertainment into monotony if you don't regularly step away for a while.
There's certainly no depth to this hack and slasher. Although, if you're looking for some cheap titillation it's got that in spades. I've criticized this franchise in the past for failing to live up to its true raunchy potential. Well, that won't be the case here. Our heroines' swimsuit bottoms don't quite provide the necessary amount of coverage in the back (almost as if they're wearing them backwards or something) so there's always a pretty generous amount of butt-crack on display, their new super-powered forms often reveal their full rear-ends to the player, and there are plenty of naughty, naughty optional costumes to unlock. So, you gamers looking a decent cocktease finally have a viable enough option to pull yourselves off of Bayonetta for a minute. I suppose you could count that as another stride towards this property one day living up to the promise it still shows. It's not quite there yet, but it's getting closer. How mind-numbing it can be at points means the Wii entry remains my favorite. I do appreciate seeing that Tamsoft is making some necessary advancements in an attempt to achieve wider appeal, however.
7.3/10
Two bad GBA games for the price of one!
You run around collecting scrolls to unlock new abilities, an electronic rock soundtrack more befitting of the GBA’s DOOM ports than Prince of Persia blares over everything, enemies are a mix of mystical animals and other rejected concepts from the main game, and there’s some kind of poorly explained RPG leveling up system at the heart of it all. This is exactly the type of weird gaming experience I love to find, but I’m not sure I could recommend playing it in the slightest. It takes a lot to break me. I’ve suffered through a lot of horrible titles and it’s not like I have anything against Metroidvanias, even if I don’t typically gravitate towards them. This however, brought me to a point where I simply couldn’t take anymore.
I reached a point where I had no idea how to progress any further. All the good Metroidvanias I’ve touched have always given you at least a rough idea of where you need to go next. Here though, you have no clue so you just sort of go through whatever path forward you can find and grabbing what you can until you hit that inevitable brick wall which forces you backtrack. Totally typical for the genre I know, and so that’s precisely what I did. Strange thing is I got pretty dang deep before this happened. But whatever, right? Anyways, I’m revisiting nearby areas and am running into the problem that all those other previously locked paths are still locked to me. I obviously haven’t found the necessary item or skills required to open them yet. That’s frustrating because I feel as if I’d been quite thorough in my exploration up to then. That’s when the realization hits me that I’m going to have to go BAAAACK, and I’m just not willing to do that.
You see, rooms in this are positively bursting at their seems with traps and other obstacles, demanding a fairly slow, methodical, and very careful use of your movements from the player since checkpoints and save locations a few, meaning death can lead to significant retreading of previously completed challenges. I didn’t have fun making it past all that the first time and I was NOT doing it again. Consequently, I resorted to cheats. Something I rarely do. Nope, didn’t help. Even with the full range of objects and powers available to me I seemingly had no choice but to hoof it possibly as far as the starting areas. Along the way of which would be the Farah sections where you play as both her and the Prince, and those are tedious because you can only switch between the two characters at specific spots. Heck naw, that's the moments I broke. Tapped out. Game beat me instead of the other way around.
And you know what? I don't regret it. The sole reason I picked this up was for the property it's attached to, and it didn't even do a good job of representing it. Your time-rewinding powers are basically useless. If you fall past a certain distance it won't save you because I guess that would require it to reload more of the stage than the cartridge can handle, and you're better off letting in yourself die anyways since you need to preserve that precious sand for as long as possible to use on the bosses. Four of six of which by the way, according to YouTube, are the same gryphon used repeatedly. Honestly, I would rather play the painful J2ME version than this. Sands of Time should have stuck exclusively to home consoles.
4/10
I reached a point where I had no idea how to progress any further. All the good Metroidvanias I’ve touched have always given you at least a rough idea of where you need to go next. Here though, you have no clue so you just sort of go through whatever path forward you can find and grabbing what you can until you hit that inevitable brick wall which forces you backtrack. Totally typical for the genre I know, and so that’s precisely what I did. Strange thing is I got pretty dang deep before this happened. But whatever, right? Anyways, I’m revisiting nearby areas and am running into the problem that all those other previously locked paths are still locked to me. I obviously haven’t found the necessary item or skills required to open them yet. That’s frustrating because I feel as if I’d been quite thorough in my exploration up to then. That’s when the realization hits me that I’m going to have to go BAAAACK, and I’m just not willing to do that.
You see, rooms in this are positively bursting at their seems with traps and other obstacles, demanding a fairly slow, methodical, and very careful use of your movements from the player since checkpoints and save locations a few, meaning death can lead to significant retreading of previously completed challenges. I didn’t have fun making it past all that the first time and I was NOT doing it again. Consequently, I resorted to cheats. Something I rarely do. Nope, didn’t help. Even with the full range of objects and powers available to me I seemingly had no choice but to hoof it possibly as far as the starting areas. Along the way of which would be the Farah sections where you play as both her and the Prince, and those are tedious because you can only switch between the two characters at specific spots. Heck naw, that's the moments I broke. Tapped out. Game beat me instead of the other way around.
And you know what? I don't regret it. The sole reason I picked this up was for the property it's attached to, and it didn't even do a good job of representing it. Your time-rewinding powers are basically useless. If you fall past a certain distance it won't save you because I guess that would require it to reload more of the stage than the cartridge can handle, and you're better off letting in yourself die anyways since you need to preserve that precious sand for as long as possible to use on the bosses. Four of six of which by the way, according to YouTube, are the same gryphon used repeatedly. Honestly, I would rather play the painful J2ME version than this. Sands of Time should have stuck exclusively to home consoles.
4/10
Dang, you see the thing I'm learning with these old Java games is that they can have different versions that vary pretty significantly depending on what device someone had, and in this case the only one I could comfortably emulate was LAME. It felt very phoned in (pun not intended) with bland levels made up of the same handful of assets. Enemies also tend to block a lot more now, which doesn't make battles any more challenging or complex it just increases the amount of time you sit there mashing the attack key outside of the couple of insect foes who require you to jump over them to reach their weak spot. The only new idea here is a few tedious chase sequences and the whole experience concludes in a frustrating boss encounter that you only have a limited method of doing damage to and has a move that can basically kill you in a single hit. The worst part of all is I looked up what the option for people with more powerful phones was like. Doesn't seem to be anything all that special compared to the earlier mobile PoP games, but man is it a heck of a lot more interesting than what I played. So a fat L for me and a rare disappointment from retro Gameloft.
5/10
5/10
It's not just my personal opinion, from a purely objective standpoint The Sands of Time is the undeniable peak of the franchise. What allows it to stand as the crown jewel of the Prince of Persia property, though? Sure, you could cite things such as its cultural impact or the lasting influence it's had on the gaming industry. For me however, it's the way it perfectly captures the feel of a Hollywood blockbuster classic. Something it manages to do even better than the likes of Uncharted, which was/is a series so clearly inspired by this it outright lifted over half of its gameplay mechanics from it! No wonder Disney tried to make this their next Pirates of the Caribbean.
This tale has it all: action, adventure, romance, and even a little bit of horror (those sand creatures really freaked me out as a kid). Yet it's the strong element of fantasy magic and the bond between its two leads that elevate it to something truly special. The interactions and budding relationship between the incredibly sweet Farah and the strangely lovable snot of a prince (that personality shift in WW feels less unnatural after replaying this) are the heart and soul of the adventure, even more so than the thrills and exciting set pieces. It's a dynamic that Ubisoft tried to recapture with the 2008 reboot, but couldn't quite manage the same charm. So sorry Mario and Peach, but another pairing has my vote for the best video game couple.
Making it all playable is the most iconic and phenomenal parkour platforming system in the entire medium that seemingly everyone, not just Naughty Dog, has borrowed from since its inception. Oh boy, and let me tell you not a single second of it is any less exhilarating today than when the game first released. The combat is really the only area outside of naturally the graphics and sound design (which are both still pretty dang good) that shows any age. Mostly due to the limited enemy variety and lack of any true combos. Luckily, the intensity of the majority of battles hasn't faded much. Enemies just keep coming like the zombies they technically are. Their numbers never reach the amount of, say, The Forgotten Sands onscreen at one time, but the relentless waves in which they come paired with the need to absorb them into your secondary dagger so they don't resurrect can lead to a decent challenge when the different types start mixing together at once. I love the animation that plays of the Prince sheathing his blades to let you know when the fighting is over.
Of course, no SoT review would be complete without at least some mention of its OTHER most defining aspect alongside the wall-running and jumping - the ability to control time. Being able to quickly reverse a deadly mistake if you have enough sand stored in your dagger? Legendary. No PoP installment can go without it since, and believe me they tried. Another quality that combined with everything else I've written about comes together to create an experience that's about as perfect as a game can be. If you've somehow never played this before, then you truly should because you've been missing out on nothing short of a significant piece of gaming history, a timeless classic, and an absolute masterpiece. Everybody else? Replay it again. This triumph and you both deserve it.
10/10
This tale has it all: action, adventure, romance, and even a little bit of horror (those sand creatures really freaked me out as a kid). Yet it's the strong element of fantasy magic and the bond between its two leads that elevate it to something truly special. The interactions and budding relationship between the incredibly sweet Farah and the strangely lovable snot of a prince (that personality shift in WW feels less unnatural after replaying this) are the heart and soul of the adventure, even more so than the thrills and exciting set pieces. It's a dynamic that Ubisoft tried to recapture with the 2008 reboot, but couldn't quite manage the same charm. So sorry Mario and Peach, but another pairing has my vote for the best video game couple.
Making it all playable is the most iconic and phenomenal parkour platforming system in the entire medium that seemingly everyone, not just Naughty Dog, has borrowed from since its inception. Oh boy, and let me tell you not a single second of it is any less exhilarating today than when the game first released. The combat is really the only area outside of naturally the graphics and sound design (which are both still pretty dang good) that shows any age. Mostly due to the limited enemy variety and lack of any true combos. Luckily, the intensity of the majority of battles hasn't faded much. Enemies just keep coming like the zombies they technically are. Their numbers never reach the amount of, say, The Forgotten Sands onscreen at one time, but the relentless waves in which they come paired with the need to absorb them into your secondary dagger so they don't resurrect can lead to a decent challenge when the different types start mixing together at once. I love the animation that plays of the Prince sheathing his blades to let you know when the fighting is over.
Of course, no SoT review would be complete without at least some mention of its OTHER most defining aspect alongside the wall-running and jumping - the ability to control time. Being able to quickly reverse a deadly mistake if you have enough sand stored in your dagger? Legendary. No PoP installment can go without it since, and believe me they tried. Another quality that combined with everything else I've written about comes together to create an experience that's about as perfect as a game can be. If you've somehow never played this before, then you truly should because you've been missing out on nothing short of a significant piece of gaming history, a timeless classic, and an absolute masterpiece. Everybody else? Replay it again. This triumph and you both deserve it.
10/10
They say you can't go home again...
It's a widely accepted belief among gamers that replaying the titles you liked in your youth is never a good idea, because they won't live up to the fond memories you have of them. Be it due to either the years having not been so kind or the awareness brought about by your now advanced age causing you to pick out the flaws you previously weren't able to notice, your favorites from the past are incapable of bringing you the same level of enjoyment they once did. While I personally have not been the type to make much time for revisiting stuff I've already played (something I'm going to be working on moving forward), for whatever reason in the rare instances where I have that's a phenomenon I've yet to experience for myself. I can recall the games clearly enough so that if they were good-to-amazing to me back then, they remain just as good-to-amazing for me now. This marks the first case however, where one has proven to be better than I remember. Turns out getting older has allowed me to more fully realize what a fantastic job this sequel does of expanding upon its predecessor.
Warrior Within was among the earliest M-rated releases I played when I was far too young that my parents didn't really know about. A birthday gift from my older sister that came with the second-hand Xbox she gave me (which I still have to this day, thanks Meg!), I can still recollect the panic and fear that my mom would walk in and take my cool new game away when Shahdee's massive naked, pale goth girl butt-cheeks appeared on the living room TV screen in all their magnificent glory. I hadn’t ever seen nudity in a video game before and the fact that I continue to consider myself more of a breast man after that is nothing short of a mystery. I know, you could argue that the character's thong is simply impossibly smaller in the cinematic cutscenes compared to her in-engine model, but I've studied every fine detail of that scene (strictly for research purposes, I assure you) and can say with little doubt that pre-rendered Shahdee is straight up strutting around full bare booty in the wind. This also served as my introduction to the band Godsmack, which helped start me down the path to becoming the metalhead I am today.
It's aspects like that, alongside the inclusion of gore in the combat and a soundtrack full of heavy guitar riffs that would earn an affirmative nod of approval from Mick Gordon himself, that make it clear the more "adult" direction they were going for with this entry. It's certainly a rather jarring tonal shift. The Prince is now a dark, brooding type prone to occasional outbursts of profanity as he's trying to escape, quite literally, his demons following the events of Sands of Time. It certainly proved to be a controversial change, often leading to it being dismissed as the franchise's "edgy" (a silly, ridiculous, overused, and quite frankly these days meaningless word) outing. Yet, while it didn't do much for the adventure's reputation, it certainly worked wonders for its world design. The Island of Time is a fantastic playground to traverse that's filled with thrilling and memorable locations, moodier though they may be. Plus, jumping over an enemy's head to slice him in half right down the middle never stops being a delight.
The setting wouldn't be as great as it is due to the grimmer aesthetic alone, however. It's the increased elaborate nature of the platforming traps and puzzles you'll come across paired with the new emphasis on how you progress through the various environments that take things to the next level. Gone is the linear structure. In its place is an open, Metroidvania-esque world-space rife with danger that encourages a more free-form method of exploration. I was consistently blown away by the scale of everything in comparison to the previous chapter in the Sands trilogy, right down to the intricacy of the obstacles or the overall interconnected layout of the fortress and its various towers. Areas are big enough here to contain plenty of hidden goodies to uncover, such as goofy (yet nonetheless very powerful) special weapons and the means for unlocking the secret true ending that reveals the Prince may not exactly know how sex works. It's as if the devs approached things a mindset of "make it grander!" A mentality that applied to the combat as well. Now that you no longer have to absorb fallen foes to keep them from getting back up, the spare hand where that iconic dagger was once held is free to loot any discarded blades and such lying about. Each of which have their own stats and are so numerous in variety they basically act as a type of collectable. There's also a combo system right out of a traditional action game and a host of new time manipulating powers to significantly enlarge your pool of blood-spilling capabilities.
All of which are perfect because battles have undergone quite a jump in challenge. Seriously, how my preteen self managed to beat this even on the easiest difficulty without finding all of the health upgrades I have no clue. The average skirmish isn’t too bad, but when you start mixing in the agile, bloodsucking Bladedancers and the resilient Executioners with their strong defense and brutal lunge attacks your skills will be put to the test at multiple points. Heck, the introductory boss you encounter in the first 5-10 minutes of play will mercilessly stomp starting players into the ground repeatedly as they’re trying to learn the ropes, and that’s well before you reach the ones with regenerating life bars. Luckily being hard isn't really a problem. If you're looking at the flaws it's the backtracking that's the most prominent. With every locale being connected you'll often be required to revisit parts of them to access other places. Approaching a familiar sight from a freshly discovered side-path is novel at first, but the repetition sets in pretty fast. The initially enthralling Mechanical Tower loses its luster about the third or fourth trip back through, for example.
Despite the highly touted proclamations from the internet that the total opposite would occur for me, finishing this again after, no exaggeration, over a decade away only caused my appreciation for it to grow even deeper. I was better able recognize how it's the most mechanically rich and expansive chapter in the entire franchise. Easily the Prince of Persia you can spend the longest amount of time with while you search for every little something in all the nooks and crannies upon acquiring the next pathway-opening tool or ability. Consequently, it's practically criminal that WW typically doesn't get the credit it deserves (something I myself have been guilty of before now) due to its higher difficulty, regular forced retreading of a few key crossroads, and its "EdGiEr" (ugh 🙄) tone, AND that The Two Thrones kind of backpedaled from here, because this is undoubtedly the fullest realization of the property's established 3D formula to date.
9/10
It's a widely accepted belief among gamers that replaying the titles you liked in your youth is never a good idea, because they won't live up to the fond memories you have of them. Be it due to either the years having not been so kind or the awareness brought about by your now advanced age causing you to pick out the flaws you previously weren't able to notice, your favorites from the past are incapable of bringing you the same level of enjoyment they once did. While I personally have not been the type to make much time for revisiting stuff I've already played (something I'm going to be working on moving forward), for whatever reason in the rare instances where I have that's a phenomenon I've yet to experience for myself. I can recall the games clearly enough so that if they were good-to-amazing to me back then, they remain just as good-to-amazing for me now. This marks the first case however, where one has proven to be better than I remember. Turns out getting older has allowed me to more fully realize what a fantastic job this sequel does of expanding upon its predecessor.
Warrior Within was among the earliest M-rated releases I played when I was far too young that my parents didn't really know about. A birthday gift from my older sister that came with the second-hand Xbox she gave me (which I still have to this day, thanks Meg!), I can still recollect the panic and fear that my mom would walk in and take my cool new game away when Shahdee's massive naked, pale goth girl butt-cheeks appeared on the living room TV screen in all their magnificent glory. I hadn’t ever seen nudity in a video game before and the fact that I continue to consider myself more of a breast man after that is nothing short of a mystery. I know, you could argue that the character's thong is simply impossibly smaller in the cinematic cutscenes compared to her in-engine model, but I've studied every fine detail of that scene (strictly for research purposes, I assure you) and can say with little doubt that pre-rendered Shahdee is straight up strutting around full bare booty in the wind. This also served as my introduction to the band Godsmack, which helped start me down the path to becoming the metalhead I am today.
It's aspects like that, alongside the inclusion of gore in the combat and a soundtrack full of heavy guitar riffs that would earn an affirmative nod of approval from Mick Gordon himself, that make it clear the more "adult" direction they were going for with this entry. It's certainly a rather jarring tonal shift. The Prince is now a dark, brooding type prone to occasional outbursts of profanity as he's trying to escape, quite literally, his demons following the events of Sands of Time. It certainly proved to be a controversial change, often leading to it being dismissed as the franchise's "edgy" (a silly, ridiculous, overused, and quite frankly these days meaningless word) outing. Yet, while it didn't do much for the adventure's reputation, it certainly worked wonders for its world design. The Island of Time is a fantastic playground to traverse that's filled with thrilling and memorable locations, moodier though they may be. Plus, jumping over an enemy's head to slice him in half right down the middle never stops being a delight.
The setting wouldn't be as great as it is due to the grimmer aesthetic alone, however. It's the increased elaborate nature of the platforming traps and puzzles you'll come across paired with the new emphasis on how you progress through the various environments that take things to the next level. Gone is the linear structure. In its place is an open, Metroidvania-esque world-space rife with danger that encourages a more free-form method of exploration. I was consistently blown away by the scale of everything in comparison to the previous chapter in the Sands trilogy, right down to the intricacy of the obstacles or the overall interconnected layout of the fortress and its various towers. Areas are big enough here to contain plenty of hidden goodies to uncover, such as goofy (yet nonetheless very powerful) special weapons and the means for unlocking the secret true ending that reveals the Prince may not exactly know how sex works. It's as if the devs approached things a mindset of "make it grander!" A mentality that applied to the combat as well. Now that you no longer have to absorb fallen foes to keep them from getting back up, the spare hand where that iconic dagger was once held is free to loot any discarded blades and such lying about. Each of which have their own stats and are so numerous in variety they basically act as a type of collectable. There's also a combo system right out of a traditional action game and a host of new time manipulating powers to significantly enlarge your pool of blood-spilling capabilities.
All of which are perfect because battles have undergone quite a jump in challenge. Seriously, how my preteen self managed to beat this even on the easiest difficulty without finding all of the health upgrades I have no clue. The average skirmish isn’t too bad, but when you start mixing in the agile, bloodsucking Bladedancers and the resilient Executioners with their strong defense and brutal lunge attacks your skills will be put to the test at multiple points. Heck, the introductory boss you encounter in the first 5-10 minutes of play will mercilessly stomp starting players into the ground repeatedly as they’re trying to learn the ropes, and that’s well before you reach the ones with regenerating life bars. Luckily being hard isn't really a problem. If you're looking at the flaws it's the backtracking that's the most prominent. With every locale being connected you'll often be required to revisit parts of them to access other places. Approaching a familiar sight from a freshly discovered side-path is novel at first, but the repetition sets in pretty fast. The initially enthralling Mechanical Tower loses its luster about the third or fourth trip back through, for example.
Despite the highly touted proclamations from the internet that the total opposite would occur for me, finishing this again after, no exaggeration, over a decade away only caused my appreciation for it to grow even deeper. I was better able recognize how it's the most mechanically rich and expansive chapter in the entire franchise. Easily the Prince of Persia you can spend the longest amount of time with while you search for every little something in all the nooks and crannies upon acquiring the next pathway-opening tool or ability. Consequently, it's practically criminal that WW typically doesn't get the credit it deserves (something I myself have been guilty of before now) due to its higher difficulty, regular forced retreading of a few key crossroads, and its "EdGiEr" (ugh 🙄) tone, AND that The Two Thrones kind of backpedaled from here, because this is undoubtedly the fullest realization of the property's established 3D formula to date.
9/10
Rudimentary as FUUUU-(dge). Generally, I've been enjoying going back and trying out these old school Prince of Persia J2ME games, which have run the gamut from amusing novelties to genuinely great for me so far. This oldest outing however? Yeesh, painful. Very basic level designs filled with only a handful of repetitive obstacles that always seem to be placed in ways that frustrate and annoy rather than legitimately challenge you with your limited range of stiff abilities and pitiful sword swipes. Also, who's idea was it to put in lives and a stamina bar? I made it to the last stage before my typically completionist self just couldn't take it anymore, walked away, and looked up the ending on YouTube (the unrewarding wall of text that it was). Oddly enough, there's a Symbian/N-Gage version out there that features actual storytelling with Farah (neither of which are present here), a slightly wider array of obstacles to overcome, and even a final boss battle! So needless to say, if you're digging through these more obscure corners of the series like I am currently, that's the way you'll want to go. This Java version though? Skip it.
3/10
3/10
My word, was this nostalgic!
This really is kind of the "forgotten" Sands if you think about it, as it's always felt to me like the fanbase never really acknowledges it much. Originally intended to be the video game tie-in for the franchise's then upcoming film adaptation, following the community's somewhat lukewarm reception to the divisive 2008 reboot it was repurposed into an interquel for the series’ PS2/Xbox entries in an effort to win back those disappointed by the new direction. Unfortunately, that plan didn't quite pan out for Ubisoft since player interest had already been stolen by the property's own spiritual successor Assassin's Creed at that point, causing it to go somewhat overlooked.
A shame it never managed to rekindle the audience's old enthusiasm, because it does a phenomenal job of recapturing those prior thrills. The early hours are endearingly familiar with level designs that feel pulled straight from its sixth-generation predecessors. I mean that in the best of ways. While many excellent titles have outright borrowed this style of acrobatic, parkour platforming over the years (i.e. Uncharted), returning to the brand responsible for popularizing it in the first place reminded me of both how none of its plethora of imitators have been able to capture the same magic, and exactly how deeply I've missed it in this format. Not to mention they ironed out a lot of the flaws and tightened the controls so that those weird moments where you'll inexplicably fly off to the left or right of your target when trying to jump straight are far less common.
While that's all it needed to do in order to ensure I had a perfectly suitable good time the entire way through, what truly sends me so over the moon about this is the manner in which it continued to pull me into the experience further as more of its own unique ideas were introduced. There's nothing here that tops anything from the original SoT trilogy, but the added mechanics of solidifying water, restoring destroyed parts of the environment, and the flight ability which can launch you across large gaps at enemies add a nice, stronger reaction-based element to the mix. The game's most thrilling moments require you to rapidly swap between all three in quick succession to avoid plummeting to your death.
The sole thing this doesn't get right is the combat. Gone are the smaller, more intimate and challenging encounters of the past. Instead, what I could best describe as a Dynasty Warriors-esque approach was taken where the emphasis is on clashes against large groups of foes. The problem is the enemies are generally pretty weak and slow. Meant to give you a power fantasy as you tear through them with the Prince's new elemental magics rather than provide a real threat. A novel concept, but their overall ineffectiveness paired with the speed in which you'll max out the RPG leveling system and turn yourself into an unstoppable killing machine leaves the action feeling overly simplistic, save for the later areas where their numbers are at the highest. Oh well, at least it's always amusing to use the knockdown attack on one and watch them topple into each other like dominoes thanks to the light ragdoll physics.
All in all, this is exactly what I was hoping for! A wonderful memory refresher as to why I loved these adventures back in the day. Can I just take a second to talk about how good this looks too? My jaw dropped at some sights. It amazes me how this now 13-year-old title can still be so beautiful. Don't get me wrong, you can see the age in stuff such as the character models, but as far as the environments go this is legitimately one of the prettiest treats my eyes have had in a while. Proof that a great graphic style is truly timeless. When you consider that this was made with the intent of recapturing the series former glory it's hard to not view it as a resounding success. It's a strength that will allow it to continue to grow more valuable as it gets older, due to that inherent throwback quality only becoming more evident as time goes on. By its own merits alone though, it stands as a worthy successor to that trio of hits from the 2000s and a fantastic playthrough for those unfamiliar with them as well.
9/10
This really is kind of the "forgotten" Sands if you think about it, as it's always felt to me like the fanbase never really acknowledges it much. Originally intended to be the video game tie-in for the franchise's then upcoming film adaptation, following the community's somewhat lukewarm reception to the divisive 2008 reboot it was repurposed into an interquel for the series’ PS2/Xbox entries in an effort to win back those disappointed by the new direction. Unfortunately, that plan didn't quite pan out for Ubisoft since player interest had already been stolen by the property's own spiritual successor Assassin's Creed at that point, causing it to go somewhat overlooked.
A shame it never managed to rekindle the audience's old enthusiasm, because it does a phenomenal job of recapturing those prior thrills. The early hours are endearingly familiar with level designs that feel pulled straight from its sixth-generation predecessors. I mean that in the best of ways. While many excellent titles have outright borrowed this style of acrobatic, parkour platforming over the years (i.e. Uncharted), returning to the brand responsible for popularizing it in the first place reminded me of both how none of its plethora of imitators have been able to capture the same magic, and exactly how deeply I've missed it in this format. Not to mention they ironed out a lot of the flaws and tightened the controls so that those weird moments where you'll inexplicably fly off to the left or right of your target when trying to jump straight are far less common.
While that's all it needed to do in order to ensure I had a perfectly suitable good time the entire way through, what truly sends me so over the moon about this is the manner in which it continued to pull me into the experience further as more of its own unique ideas were introduced. There's nothing here that tops anything from the original SoT trilogy, but the added mechanics of solidifying water, restoring destroyed parts of the environment, and the flight ability which can launch you across large gaps at enemies add a nice, stronger reaction-based element to the mix. The game's most thrilling moments require you to rapidly swap between all three in quick succession to avoid plummeting to your death.
The sole thing this doesn't get right is the combat. Gone are the smaller, more intimate and challenging encounters of the past. Instead, what I could best describe as a Dynasty Warriors-esque approach was taken where the emphasis is on clashes against large groups of foes. The problem is the enemies are generally pretty weak and slow. Meant to give you a power fantasy as you tear through them with the Prince's new elemental magics rather than provide a real threat. A novel concept, but their overall ineffectiveness paired with the speed in which you'll max out the RPG leveling system and turn yourself into an unstoppable killing machine leaves the action feeling overly simplistic, save for the later areas where their numbers are at the highest. Oh well, at least it's always amusing to use the knockdown attack on one and watch them topple into each other like dominoes thanks to the light ragdoll physics.
All in all, this is exactly what I was hoping for! A wonderful memory refresher as to why I loved these adventures back in the day. Can I just take a second to talk about how good this looks too? My jaw dropped at some sights. It amazes me how this now 13-year-old title can still be so beautiful. Don't get me wrong, you can see the age in stuff such as the character models, but as far as the environments go this is legitimately one of the prettiest treats my eyes have had in a while. Proof that a great graphic style is truly timeless. When you consider that this was made with the intent of recapturing the series former glory it's hard to not view it as a resounding success. It's a strength that will allow it to continue to grow more valuable as it gets older, due to that inherent throwback quality only becoming more evident as time goes on. By its own merits alone though, it stands as a worthy successor to that trio of hits from the 2000s and a fantastic playthrough for those unfamiliar with them as well.
9/10
2008
Guys, you'll never believe it! The crummy J2ME version is somehow better than the main Prince of Persia '08 release! 😱🤯
Naturally, this being an older phone game means that it doesn't have the same scope, but it's easily the more consistently enjoyable of the two and despite its brevity feels no less like a fully fleshed out experience. The amount of stuff they managed to squeeze in here is honestly kind of staggering given the technology. From multiple boss battles and forward-scrolling rail shooter sequences, to gameplay for both the hero AND Elika. There's even music throughout the entire adventure, which was something of a rarity in these type of Java titles back then.
The action is just more fun and engaging than its bigger, technically superior home console counterpart in general. They even managed to include that stupid orb collecting element without the tedious backtracking repetition. That's because, similarly to its predecessors, you can tell the devs weren't given too much to work with in terms of what the official outing was going to be like so they had to concoct the majority of their own unique material to fill in the gaps. I mean, there weren't any sequences where you ride on the back of a dragon and shoot fireballs in the PS3/360 option, after all. It ultimately turned out for the best though, leading to a far more exciting package overall. The ending surprisingly hits harder too. Leaving out the cliffhanger aspect meant to tease future installments that never arrived and focusing solely on the heartbreaking nature of the duo's ultimate fate.
This marks a huge step up from what the previous PoP mobile tie-ins I've played have offered as well, which were entertaining novelties but really didn't provide much to talk about. Warrior Within, for example, featured strong level design and combat fluid enough to rival Kratos's cellular bloodbath, yet was over so swiftly it ended up feeling more like a demo for a particularly promising GBA game than anything else. The Two Thrones certainly packed entertaining set pieces and a general flashiness, but the heavy reliance on automated platforming and fact that it could be beaten in mere minutes made it clear Gameloft put more effort into crafting the still images of the sexy Babylonian babes the prince rescues than creating actual content for the thing. While this can be finished fairly quickly as well, the difference is that it comes off as featuring a complete, wholly realized campaign that covers an entire fulfilling journey regardless of the speed in which its conclusion arrives. Truly impressive stuff. Yes, at the end of the day this is still a short, breezy little retro cellphone romp, but in that context it's genuinely superb.
9/10
Naturally, this being an older phone game means that it doesn't have the same scope, but it's easily the more consistently enjoyable of the two and despite its brevity feels no less like a fully fleshed out experience. The amount of stuff they managed to squeeze in here is honestly kind of staggering given the technology. From multiple boss battles and forward-scrolling rail shooter sequences, to gameplay for both the hero AND Elika. There's even music throughout the entire adventure, which was something of a rarity in these type of Java titles back then.
The action is just more fun and engaging than its bigger, technically superior home console counterpart in general. They even managed to include that stupid orb collecting element without the tedious backtracking repetition. That's because, similarly to its predecessors, you can tell the devs weren't given too much to work with in terms of what the official outing was going to be like so they had to concoct the majority of their own unique material to fill in the gaps. I mean, there weren't any sequences where you ride on the back of a dragon and shoot fireballs in the PS3/360 option, after all. It ultimately turned out for the best though, leading to a far more exciting package overall. The ending surprisingly hits harder too. Leaving out the cliffhanger aspect meant to tease future installments that never arrived and focusing solely on the heartbreaking nature of the duo's ultimate fate.
This marks a huge step up from what the previous PoP mobile tie-ins I've played have offered as well, which were entertaining novelties but really didn't provide much to talk about. Warrior Within, for example, featured strong level design and combat fluid enough to rival Kratos's cellular bloodbath, yet was over so swiftly it ended up feeling more like a demo for a particularly promising GBA game than anything else. The Two Thrones certainly packed entertaining set pieces and a general flashiness, but the heavy reliance on automated platforming and fact that it could be beaten in mere minutes made it clear Gameloft put more effort into crafting the still images of the sexy Babylonian babes the prince rescues than creating actual content for the thing. While this can be finished fairly quickly as well, the difference is that it comes off as featuring a complete, wholly realized campaign that covers an entire fulfilling journey regardless of the speed in which its conclusion arrives. Truly impressive stuff. Yes, at the end of the day this is still a short, breezy little retro cellphone romp, but in that context it's genuinely superb.
9/10
2022
Holy crap, what a weird rabbit hole playing Grimace’s Birthday caused me to fall into…
This is a free web browser game playable on phones from McDonald’s that was released as part of a Happy Meal marketing campaign to promote the film. An idea they stole from Jack in the Box by the way. In it you play as a 3D model of Sonic that looks uncomfortably like something out of a unlicensed project lurking in the bowels of a second or third-rate flash gaming site, and with a deeper voice than the one in Sonic Frontiers. The gameplay consists solely of choosing to either turn left or right at certain junctions, which you don’t even need to do as continuing on straight is just as effective a strategy, as you try to collect as many rings as possible in sixty seconds. There’s an augmented reality element where you can replace the sky in the background with whatever your device’s camera is pointed at, but it adds nothing to the experience.
The only question I’m left with after trying this is, well, WHY?!?! I can see kids maybe getting a few minutes of distraction out of this, but even they will put it down quickly and never touch it again due to how pointless the whole thing is. Like, there’s no reward for wasting your time on this. At least with Jack in the Box’s we got a free Uber Eats delivery out of the ordeal. Here there isn’t so much as leaderboards…
The reason I’m bothering to write about this at all is because it’s kind of hilarious the lows Sega’s mascot gets taken to right whenever you think he can’t go any lower. So if you find this sort of thing as morbidly amusing as I do here’s a link in case you want a good laugh (or cry), as this is legitimately a new rock bottom for the character.
1/10
This is a free web browser game playable on phones from McDonald’s that was released as part of a Happy Meal marketing campaign to promote the film. An idea they stole from Jack in the Box by the way. In it you play as a 3D model of Sonic that looks uncomfortably like something out of a unlicensed project lurking in the bowels of a second or third-rate flash gaming site, and with a deeper voice than the one in Sonic Frontiers. The gameplay consists solely of choosing to either turn left or right at certain junctions, which you don’t even need to do as continuing on straight is just as effective a strategy, as you try to collect as many rings as possible in sixty seconds. There’s an augmented reality element where you can replace the sky in the background with whatever your device’s camera is pointed at, but it adds nothing to the experience.
The only question I’m left with after trying this is, well, WHY?!?! I can see kids maybe getting a few minutes of distraction out of this, but even they will put it down quickly and never touch it again due to how pointless the whole thing is. Like, there’s no reward for wasting your time on this. At least with Jack in the Box’s we got a free Uber Eats delivery out of the ordeal. Here there isn’t so much as leaderboards…
The reason I’m bothering to write about this at all is because it’s kind of hilarious the lows Sega’s mascot gets taken to right whenever you think he can’t go any lower. So if you find this sort of thing as morbidly amusing as I do here’s a link in case you want a good laugh (or cry), as this is legitimately a new rock bottom for the character.
1/10