Within the first hour of Hades, I rolled a boon that gave me +2HP regeneration per hit at the expense of half my health, plus another which healed me by a certain amount if I dodged after being struck. I coasted to the third boss, where I finally ate shit while getting sandwiched between a minotaur and Theesus' hot, oily body (video games are all about wish-fulfillment, you see.) I figured there was no way I wouldn't knock this out in a single sitting if I was able to get 75% of the way through the game so early and with so little equipment and abilities unlocked, so I settled in and started thinking about what I'd play next.

It took me another 20ish hours to beat up my dad.

Chaos is down here, but I feel him everywhere. I sense him in the damn walls, because in true roguelike fashion, my ability to claw my way out of the underworld is largely determined by blind luck. Did I get the crystal turrets this run? No? Well shit, I guess this has become an exploratory mission, a grind to get as much crystals and keys as possible to buy stat upgrades and equipment to mitigate some of my misfortune. Oh good, I managed to get a boon to pom upgrades so everything is doubled now, surely I'll beat Hades this time and-- what do you mean he has two health bars, what is this Lies of P bull shit?

Each failed run sends me back to the main hall, where Zag can chat with his friends, colleagues and family, or pet his dog, maybe do a little interior decorating... it's a place to pause, to breath and collect oneself before the next run. Only problem is, I'm not built like that. I'm a sick little goblin freak and for the past eight hours I've been able to consistently make it to the fourth layer of the Underworld, where rats with a billion HP pick at my bones. No time to talk, Nyx. Go suck yourself, Hypnos. I don't have time for your sharply written dialog and I've run out of patience for picking out different colors of drapes, this is the run.

It's not the run. I can't be mad, though. The worst parts of Hades are tropes so quintessential to the genre that if you didn't expect them going in, then you aren't really being honest to yourself about what Hades is. The lack of predictability is a feature, one that comes with some great highs and abysmal lows, which at times made me feel like Hades is deserving of its praise while also making me want to put it down. Ask me how much I like Hades and I'm going to say "it depends."

And, in perfect fashion, I finally kicked my old man's ass not because I collected enough keys to unlock every weapon so that I could gain access to the upgrade system, or because I had maxed out several stat upgrades I felt might help keep Zag alive - as was my plan - but because I happened to roll a +900% damage perk against armor, perfect for making short work of those rats. With that, level 7 crystal turrets, and four full charges of Death Defiance, I could've taped my eyes shut during the fight against Hades. The cool thing about roguelikes is they can either favor you too early and trivialize the whole game or dick you over so much that you're just miserable. The truly fortunate land somewhere in the middle and get a more satisfying sense of balance amid all the dice rolls and chaos.

Despite the rogulike trappings of chance and repetition, I don't think Hades is a bad game, so much as it's a perfectly alright one. In fact, the bits that are more unique to Hades, like the writing, character designs, and even the way Zag feels in combat, are all great. If this genre is more your thing than it is mine, then this is probably a must play, maybe one of the best of all time. For me, it's a "shelved" that I'm giving a 3/5 because 20+ hours later, I can't imagine another run with modifiers actually turning the needle much at all. I'll probably get back to it someday, but for now, I need to put this down and play something else... Like Prey: Mooncrash!