Virgin Spider-Man (2018):
– Mindless automated swinging where you don't have to think of anything other than having tall structures near you. No care for trajectory and momentum. Traversal is totally separated from combat.
– Mashy arkham combat that practically plays itself as you react to prompts on the screen. Doesn't even feel good since hits have zero punch.
– Ubisoft mush of checklists on the map with objectives as creative as "press A near the icon" or "defeat waves of generic enemies".
– Peter Parker fixes police surveillance network, larps as a cop and unquestionably trusts authority. Blatant copaganda that wants you be a part of status quo.

Chad Bionic Commando (2009):
– Detailed traversal where you have to consider trajectory and momentum of motion, not to mention the objects to swing on. Satisfying to get a grip on and use in combat encounters.
– Competent acrobatic TPS that requires mastery of movement mechanics to succeed. Pulling yourself to enemies to send them with a flying kick is peak instant gratification.
– Concise linear campaign encompassing a good variation of combat encounters and traversal challenges, alternating between action set pieces and moments of quiet exploration.
– Nathan Spencer despises every order from the government that marginalizes him despite making him a monstrous weapon in the first place. Proven to be right when it's revealed that his direct authority is behind the attacks.

Bionic Commando solos.

When you become an adult, suddenly all the barriers that guided you are gone, whether the barriers were for good or for ill you're left with a strange feeling where before your choices were provided for you, now stretches a horizon of limitless possibilities. It is not a good nor is it a bad thing, but I'll always remember it as being a scary thing and it took me a while to grapple with where my direction was headed once the realisation set in, and the feelings I had of wanting to go back to when life was simpler. This life experience is everything about Xenoblade Chronicles 3 and more, a game which asks questions about the many paths life can take, the choices available to someone, the regret from not taking a choice, and how one can seize their own destiny to move forward from the past, this is easily Takahashi's best work, and the pinnacle of the Xeno-series thus far.

Takahashi forges one of the strongest main casts of characters in a JRPG here, explored thoroughly and meaningfully. One of the biggest merits of the writing of this cast are the frequent discussions everyone has to each other discussing their innermost feelings, insecurities, and doubts. All six members often rarely obscure their problems, and even when they do their counterpart often picks up on any distress immediately and also immediately acts for their friend, it's extremely realistic and heartwarming, ESPECIALLY for a JRPG which normally derives tropes that can be frustratingly obtuse when it comes to social interactions. This step up in character writing is also bolstered by a step up in cutscene direction, the action cutscenes are breathtakingly hype, and when the mood calls for it the lower tempo cutscenes can leave you at the edge of your seat as you watch these kids navigate through the next stage of their lives.

Unfortunately, there has to be some ball dropped when it comes to a Xeno game, and in this case I would say it's the villains, Moebius has a few standout characters in side quests, and like three good characters in the main story, and generally they really just feel like vehicles for the characters to grapple emotional problems around, rather than full characters themselves. It doesn't help that almost every member of Moebius is a sociopathic arrogant manchild, which wears out its welcome pretty quickly. It's very strange to me that they continue to feign arrogance and superiority when by a point in the game our party has killed many of their kind already.

This was the JRPG I didn't know I needed, and I think even if you don't really like the Xeno series, this game is a fantastic entry to the genre as a whole and it feels like a full uncompromised vision of a Monolith Soft game in all its glory, without any of the baggage weighing it down like 2.

(5-year-old's review, typed by her dad)

You get to go on a slide and at the end you gotta beat Bowser, because you get to MOVE and MOVE if there's turns, and also there's a slide in the snowy place!

[Dad's note: She would use the Wii U gamepad to go do the secret slide in Peach's Castle over and over again, every day for the entire summer of 2020]

The other day the AC unit broke in my apartment, and maintenance sends up this kid (probably 16 or 17) to set up a portable AC unit until they could get it fixed. He looks over at my computer and says "I like your setup, what games do you play?" I tell him I hop between things and crank my brain up to Jimmy Neutron-brain-blast levels of power trying desperately to think of a single example of a video game I've played that a normal person would know, and I end up going "oh, have you heard of Dinkum?" He shoots me a look, immediately says "uh, no. I play Apex," and leaves without saying another word

This is a game where you play as a cat and there are several couches but you can't destroy any of them. That alone should convince you this isn't all its cracked up to be but I'll go on.

First of all, I'm gonna get my big gripe out of the way and say this is way below expectations. Some people will say that a game shouldn't garner negativity in a review because the game wasn't what the player expected. I don't care. Years ago this game was shown as being an experience in which you explore a city as a cat. I was hype for that for so long to basically just get a shitty linear experience. Boo!

There's not really anything in this game that requires you to be a cat. That's pretty weak. You have a dedicated meow button and there are like "scratching posts" throughout the game but none of it feels intrinsic to the gameplay. It's dull.

Speaking of being a cat, cats are usually agile creatures. The way you move in this game is clunky at best though. The movement basically controls like the least polished Assassin's Creed game. I often found myself going in a direction I didn't want while climbing or unable to jump to a new ledge because I wasn't looking at it right. Frustrating to say the least. Also they make this game even LESS a game where you play as a cat by having you become friends with a flying robot drone who serves to do everything for you a cat can't do for the sake of convenience. The robot will shine a flashlight for you, open doors for you, and even teleport items to you. All things that would have been much more interesting if you had to just be a cat and deal. It's dumb. At least you have to knock things over to solve some "puzzles". That's cat as fuck.

Speaking of the robot drone though, this game has maybe the most predictable and by the numbers story ever? At least the most bland I've experienced in years. You're trying to escape a dystopia that has people trapped even though they made it themselves and you make friends who make drastic decisions for you because "there's no other way" or you're most important. Some tired shit and you can see it all coming miles away. It's also all presented in either a shit ton of cutscenes jammed down your throat or they slow your movement speed considerable and/or make you wait on slow NPCs to progress the story. Both are things I find MADDENING. I will say though that the one part of the lore that IS good is that the game is mostly populated by these robots who were companions to humans and have since developed consciousness and formed their own little society. It's a shame they have such a neat concept and do so little with it. Oh well.

Branching off that, the one real impressive thing is the art direction of the game. Each area is unique in its own splendor and all the designs from the cat to the robots and even the mutated threat, Zurks, have a distinct look that really makes Stray feel like it has its own world. Again its just a shame they did nothing with it. Bleh

So yeah. Game is disappointing at outwardly frustrating to say the least. I eventually got used to the jank movement controls and hate finished this game so I could have an authentic review. Like I said, at least the game is pretty. Also I got it "free" with Playstation Plus Premium. This game would have gotten a way harsher treatment if I actually bought it. Hell I wish I had bought it on Steam just to have the satisfaction of refunding it.

I could only really refer this to furries who don't like video games and even then I'd. be sad for them because there's nothing super cat like about being a cat in this. Sure you can navigate smaller spaces but so can fucking Keebler Elves. If you want a game where you have to make your way out of a bleak place while playing as an adorable creature while also have excellent gameplay and movement mechanics, play Rain World. It's five times the game this shit is for 60% of the price. Please just play that instead.

Never forget. At any time, the Panel de Pon ruling class will silence you, they will eradicate your voice, they will render you unable to speak or express yourself, lest you be brought to a quick and malicious end.

Rise, humble laborer, ever-steady soldier of the working class. Build the brick walls that will shield you against those in power. Stage the Tetris Attacks that will levitate your disenfranchisement, and construct the foundation of a Puzzle League of your own.

In the face of evolution, do not hinder yourself by the restrictions of old, the classical repainting of history. Do not limit yourself to the predecessors of old; rise to the challenge of new experiences, lest you be cast aside by the waves of time.

if you played TETRIS ATTACK instead of PANEPON you have been played for an ABSOLUTE FOOL and i shall impress upon you the DEPTH OF YOUR FOLLY

TETRIS ATTACK is for PAWNS and BABIES, UNDERSTUDIES and BIT PLAYERS dancing to the tune of a MADMAN, PERVERSE AND EVIL, the landscape of PEAK 90'S ANIME AESTHETIC EXPUNGED and LEAVENED with LIES by THE FALSE IDOL, YOSHI

will you remain PREY TO HIS AMBITIONS? remain ENSLAVED to a SHAMBLING SHADE OF PERFECTION?

REAL ONES will answer NO

REAL ONES will play PANEPON

Stray is a game where you assume the role of a cat. This is the entire promise of its outward appearance. You control a сute furball navigating in a world proportionally large for your light presence. You can press B to meow and Y to cuddle with other cats. You can take a nap in allotted by game designer places. The cat mannerisms are meticulously animated and instantly gifable for twitter. An instant crowd pleaser of a concept, as Twitch and Steam numbers immediately suggest.

One of the first big puzzles you solve involves power outlets. You have to scout a room to find 4 cube-shaped batteries. You have to grab them with a floating button prompt and bring them to a computer. You have to MANUALLY (with paws?) plug them in power sockets. Surely, you already see a problem.

Stray takes place in a society of robots mimicking the images and idiosyncrasies of humans. Robots wear clothes, robots eat food, robots live in a police state – not because they need to, that’s just what we tend to do. The greatest irony of Stray is how it’s no different from the robots it portrays. It’s caught up in appearances, stupefied by feline oddness – and completely misses the essence of dubious little being.

Do you want to be a small rascal bumbling the way through, guided only by the most primal of instincts? Wrong game! And it’s mind-boggling to me how attentively every unique keynote of the whole premise is impaired here to create the most nothing hodgepodge of a modern action-adventure. You are pulled through a cat-sized theme park with the main attractions made up of the lightest of puzzles, dullest stealth sections and unlosable chase sequences. Traversal, which must pop with cats’ preciseness and unlimited agility, suddenly turns into a chore, because you can’t have a cat failing a jump, right? Even the animal inaudibility which opens the door for interesting environmental storytelling and silent interactions is undercut by the introduction of a companion drone acting as a translation layer between the feline friend and basically everything else in the world.

There are absolutely glints of creativity and good vibes here, and I decently enjoyed exploring the little hub levels where the game matches its title the best by letting the cat go a little astray. These bright moments though are far and between in this hugely underwhelming affair. Rain World: Downpour can’t honestly come soon enough.

So I went to the arcade with my family today, and it was pretty fun. We bought 16 tokens and equally distributed equally between us (4 each), but mostly spent our time playing Taiko because of course we would. It's a really fun game to play both alone and with your family, and the fact that you could play 2 songs with a single token was really helpful as well, because each one cost around 5 reais, which is a bit pricey.

Between all of the terrible kids oriented ones and loud Kof cabinets where 30 year olds were screaming like their lives depended on it, my cousin kept staring at Flying Tickets. I have no idea why this one in particular but he's 7, so maybe he recognized the visuals from a youtube kids video? Weird to think that flappy bird is older than him...

Well, while my parents were blasting the Taiko drums with folklore music on easy, I decide to spent my 2 last tokens so that we could give this a shot together, especially given the fact that he burned all his tokens in some quirky whack-a-mole reskin with zombies that were too fast for his hands.

Anyways, after the 2 tokens went in, we pressed the 2 buttons to play the only mode there was for multiplayer: versus. Since the game had only a single button, tap, I was wondering what the hell would happen. Would it be the exact same as Flappy Bird? Were the physics different? Were there any new mechanics?

You see, there was barely no gameplay footage showing, the screen trailers only kept showing flashing lights with blatantly adulterated gameplay to call the attention of small kids, which worked on him.

After you press start there was no message showing a countdown or anything, it just puts you into the action. After mere 4 seconds of not fully understanding how tapping works, he died. Immediately on screen a small 'Player 2 wins' message appeared, and... that was it.

That was the game.

2 tokens burned in 4 seconds.

He almost started crying out of guilt, saying sorry while holding tears because he felt like just took away 4 games on the cool drum machine for me. We ended up buying 2 more (of course, just telling him that that we found them deep in our pockets) just so that we could play together the 'weird songs' that I liked on Taiko, like vocaloid.

Thanks for reading until here, I know it's not the usual low effort meme review that I do but I needed to vent this terrible experience. This game is peak predatory garbage and a strong contender for the single worst experience I've ever had with the medium.

"it looks different" this, "my childhood" that; my brother in christ this shit runs like dogshit on both PC and Switch, constant suttering every second or two even on minimum settings at 720p. Fourty fucking dollars for this? And immediately greeted with a "please accept this EULA to allow us to actively enable telemetry and grab your IP etc." on boot. Distracting ass giant "SKIP SCENE" prompt on ALL cutscenes, locking the cute costumes to a giant DLC bundle that's another twenty fucking dollars. Nevermind the horrendous regional pricing. Fuck off.
EDIT: LOL the DLC doesn't even include files for you to play back locally i.e. MP3/FLAC or the "digital artbook", you can only view them in-game. They literally are selling the sound test menu you could unlock in og Klonoa. Holy fuck.

I'm usually firmly "eh whatever" on remakes changing visuals etc., and while I think this is serviceable in that regard, the ogs are just better in these departments. You may prefer the new look, I don't, but it also doesn't bother me that much.
EDIT: Nevermind Klonoa 2 looks like ass. Holy shit.

I also just want to add, please for the love of god play Klonoa PS1. It's an immensely special and important game to me and emulates perfectly or otherwise you can swaptrick it on PS1. Treat yourself to something good instead.

EDIT 2: Latest PCSX2 nightly appears to run Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil just about perfectly as well LMFAO fuck this remake duology. Ryzen 7 3700x peak at about 35-40% usage and GTX 1050 Ti peaks at 60-70% at 1080p, occasional slowdown at 1440p.