While I have wondered aloud what a 4S would look like, a vision where maybe Chun’s SA2 doesn’t get to store a whole goddamn bar, I cannot simply feign reality like this and claim Third Strike isn’t worthy of full marks. I previously had it at 4.5 stars, and it was that way since I joined this site. Reason? I dunno, a mix of self-perception issues and a fledgling handle on how I’d divvy up these (ultimately pointless) scores. It does say something, though, that I quickly shelved it at 4.5 - near perfection, but lacking something to elevate that... uh, that...

That what, though? Like realistically, would I care if they made Twelve better in the roster, OR is that yucky little glue-ball ultimately more valuable to me as a character so obviously shit that when I’m playing against my friends, I can choose him and pray that I get a match, leading to the moment where I state, dryly, “Dude, you lost to Twelve.”

At some point, I’d have said differently. However, I think I’ve finally reached the moment that 3S has been selling this whole damn time. Countless hours (seriously, this may be my single most-played game ever) have slowly shaped me into someone who just paces through the cast of characters, taking a stab with Necro or Remy (though I always have a home in Urien) in hopes of discovering something that sparks the fuse again, as this game has reliably done several times since first playing it.

It’s ultimately a trustworthy game for me, one of the only multiplayer games that I value both as a design and as a surefire lightning rod for good experiences. I love basically everything about it, even if it does come out sounding differently.

I mean, what the hell was I expecting, right.

I had tried and failed to play through this game several times in my life, the first being as early as my grade school days. I should’ve seen that as a sign, but for whatever reason I just recently purchased this game (for the first time, mind you - said grade school copy was a friend’s that was borrowed and never returned. Sorry Brandon), which refueled my determination exactly enough to say I did it.

It was shocking, I guess, to see just how humble the beginnings of the series were. I don’t know jack shit about the tale of Sora and co., a story which continues to gain a seemingly bottomless supply of infamy for its overcomplications and addendums, but the fact that this game ended and I went “huh, that was actually pretty straightforward,” is bonkers considering what I was expecting. I mean, that’s not necessarily a compliment considering how trite the dark/light concepts became by the end (I hear the rest of the series continues this trend...), but the story of Sora, Riku, and Kairi confronting their futures as individuals was a compelling FF-type of experience that, unfortunately, was geared for an audience that I’m not a part of. As a personal aside, I always find myself at odds with Square games because they require quite a bit of emotional vulnerability to be impactful, and sometimes that just ain’t me. I’ve made my peace with other games in this world like FFX, a game which is very earnest and tender should you be willing to let it move you. Here? Umm, oops, I think I waited too long to feel impacted by this coming-of-age story!

As for the combat and stuff, it’s surprisingly(?) solid. The fundamentals of your attacks (long-startup, short-startup, final long windup, x100,000 times) don’t get old as much as they get squared against things which always feel like they could be more interesting in either a specifically-RPG or specifically-action context. But they do work, and given that they have to carry you through a 20-30 hour game, that ain’t too bad. However, the magic components here feel pretty weak, both in use and concept. I did go shield/wand at the very beginning, so I’m not sure how much that affected my experience, but especially late-game I found it a lot more effective to just stack physical abilities and equip Divine Rose to erase health bars that were peskily larger than I wanted to deal with. Oh, and graviga, of course. Busted-ass spell.

In the end, though, I think the thing that broke the spell was ultimately just realizing I was sort of playing it out of an obligation to finish. I enjoyed bits, of course: even with the unpleasant level design, it’s hard not to be charmed by these worlds which fit the criteria of their respective movies in a sort of Disney dark-ride way. And as expected, Yoko Shimomura was fucking COOKING here. But the stretches of mediocrity ran too long, and the corners were too tempting to cut when the things I enjoyed were beginning to drift away to leave behind Ansem. What a shithead.

I dunno, sorry I don’t have that many insightful things to say. I just practically shooed the kids out of the Mcdonald’s playplace and then complained that I got stuck in the tubes. I can’t say I regret finally toppling one of my all-time rivals, but I do kind of regret spending time here hoping something would change my mind when clearly this silly little game about a lil boy and his lil-but-slightly-bigger friend who has a crush on him was never going to be my thing, lol. Shoutouts to goofy and donald tho them boys my slime fr😤

Secrets in games has been one of my favorite internet rabbit holes since before I can remember, so disparaging MK2 feels a bit like blasphemy. However, I don't think the phrase "of its time" can describe a game more accurately than now, with the gestures at transgression contained herein looking adorable by today's standards and the legacy of this game as a glorified puzzle box for preteens to unlock the true nature of being so spoken about that any air of intrigue has been filtered out. Not the game's fault - as shallow as the mystery ended up being, Boon and Tobias' legacies as active participants in their own zeitgeist makes for a great read or watch. Great game, though? Nah. As for the fighting itself, a few rounds in your hands will tell you everything you need to know about why I barely mentioned it.

This review is brought to you in part by the time my friend and I played this and Jackie Chan Fists of Fire in the same night and had way more fun with the latter.

Receiver 2 prods at the Grand Supposition of games with a finely-sharpened stick. It makes no attempt to filter the truth of firearms, both the oft-bypassed nuances of using one and the position they have in culture, depicted or otherwise. In so many ways does it drive home a sense of precariousness, from the haphazard bounce of every live weapon while ADS to the highly frustrating loop of the ranking system. The gun enthusiasts in the audience misattribute the glocklegging mechanic as an inaccuracy bogging the game down when it's clearly a lesson in mindfulness... also bogging the game down (but in a good way). As an aside, the drones in this game act like drunk hornets when they spot you and it freaks me the fuck out.

As someone who has, many times, oogled the reload animation for the rifle in Resident Evil 4 (though maybe it’s the man attached to the arm driving that one), I was split exactly even on curiosity and repulsion. It’s in the nature of games to abstract ideas, but the outspoken tone of Receiver 2 suggests that even a small bit of introspection would likely halve the industry like a watermelon, freeing something in the process but likely just draining it of that sweet military money.

So, the game’s really interesting! ... I just wish the narrator didn’t sound like he was crytyping and/or calling into a 900 number every time he talked to you. Seriously, if you don’t believe me just listen: https://youtu.be/yBA1aLh5wrg?t=306

I mean, I wasn't expecting the Alien Soldier of boob pinching, but this is the only time I've ever played a Treasure game that seemed ideas-first, execution-second. Granted, there are some great ideas! A few bosses land their inventiveness perfectly fine and the presentation of everything is vibrant and clever (besides the EX levels, which kind of suck and are the albatross around this game's otherwise perfect structure).

Cynically, I can't help but think of this game as a canary in the coalmine for Treasure, though; while they made several great games after this (the very next one was Ikaruga), Stretch Panic feels emblematic of a specific decline - that pushing a console to its limits and firing on all cylinders was becoming less viable as a developer calling card. It makes immediate sense that they found a home in the portable consoles, where they were allowed by the standards of the day to continue refining their craft.

I dunno, maybe that's attaching a lot of weight onto a game that at times feels like it's moonlighting as a tech demo, but it's hard not to get in my feelings a little when I play a Treasure game I hadn't before and it disappoints. They're a finite resource these days, so you gotta spread them out! Speaking of which, I hope you're all looking forward to my Sin and Punishment: Star Successor review 20 years from now.