(5-year-old's review, typed by her dad)

You get to go on a slide and at the end you gotta beat Bowser, because you get to MOVE and MOVE if there's turns, and also there's a slide in the snowy place!

[Dad's note: She would use the Wii U gamepad to go do the secret slide in Peach's Castle over and over again, every day for the entire summer of 2020]

This is a true story.

I was about 7-years-old when Donkey Kong Country came out. It looked insane, and more than any other game for the system, it was the one that left me the most jealous of SNES kids. I needed to play it, but the only one I knew who had a copy was a boy on my block who I didn't get along with. I tried to suck up to him, but he knew I had a Genesis. He saw through my deception.

One day while riding my bike, I saw him run out of his garage to go over to a friend's house. With the garage door still open, I saw a golden opportunity... And so I snuck into his home and made my way to his bedroom, popped in Donkey Kong Country, and started playing. From the hallway, I could hear his mother approach, asking him a question that I cannot recall, clearly assuming her kid decided to stay indoors. As she turned the corner and peered into his room, she saw me on his bed playing the Super Nintendo. I'll never forget how loud she screamed as she chased me around his house and out into the street.

Just me doin' a little B&E because I love Donkey Kong Country so much.

My original review was removed. I guess my message wasn't clear enough when I told Activision/Blizzard to eat my ass.

This is a bad game made by a bad company. It is basically an update of the original (as it completely replaces it) and serves no purpose but trying to hide the rampant system of abuse taking place within the company by throwing the media coverage back onto this. I can't even call them allegations because they've been proven. . If you enjoy the game that's fine, but it is simply just a watered down form of the original that doesn't update, improve or innovate it in any meaningful way and is simply a distraction for a larger issue.

Eat my ass, Activision/Blizzard

not morally egregious per se but rather a depressing culmination of a decade's worth of design trickery and (d)evolving cultural/social tastes and otherwise exists as insipid twitchcore autoplaying bullshit that should come with a contractual agreement binding its devotees to never speak prejudicially about mobile games or musou ever again lest they face legally enforced financial restitution. just play nex machina man. or watch NFL. been a fun season for that. fuck the review man let's talk sports in the comments

So uhh…there was this one time in my history class, and I was sat pretty much in the middle whilst this other kid was sat at the very front. Now this kid had a laptop because his handwriting was awful and the teachers had agreed to give him a laptop so he could write better. Now this kid loved to use the laptop in history, and any chance he got you would bet that he would be doing something that he shouldn’t be on it. It wasn’t anything horrid or crude, it was just what any normal young kid with a laptop would do: either play games, watch YouTube videos or just mess around on Microsoft paint. But this one lesson, we were learning about history in dissection. Personally anything to do with surgery always makes me feel sick and I tried to find any sort of way to distract myself from the lesson this one time. Thankfully the kid who was in front of me with his laptop was playing a game: cookie clicker. The kid slowly worked himself up, he got more and more auto clickers, he increased his building levels and buildings. The more and more he played the more I got mesmerised and eventually I was probably more glued to his screen than he was. Eventually the kid clicked on that I was watching him play the game, and slowly but surely he started flexing his ability. He got even more factory’s, even more auto clickers, and got achievement after achievement. Eventually after it all, he had reached the end. The game asked him if he wanted to ascend and just when he was about to click yes…the lesson had ended. We both got up, looked at each other, and burst out laughing. I’m sure to anyone looking we looked like madmen, but in the end it was probably the funniest thing I’d ever slightly been apart of.

Good time waster, chill music, funny ideas, grannies