a game i just can't quite bring myself to hate. on paper, a big dumb ip fest riding the coattails of a recent successful movie franchise with QTE filled button mashing combat sequences, scripted boss battles, stuffed to the gills with pointless collectibles, but man oh man if lurking in the shadows and stealthily picking off a group of enemies one by one as they get more and more terrified doesn't nail the central conceit of making the player feel like the goddamn batman.

lollipop chainsaw exists at a strange crossroads. simultaneously in on its own joke and not with characters that toe the line between ironic and genuinely obnoxious and a presentation that's exactly what you would imagine a game made by a 45 year old japanese man about a buxom teenage cheerleader would be but also kind of different, this one will have cringe scientists fascinated for decades to come.
it's also not a particularly good video game.

this series is so crummy it boggles the mind how it got so many entries. at least the ps2 ones had some scope and design convictions, but this one is an absolute slog through the same dozen or so levels again and again (but sometimes backwards!) and every time there are more than 4 things happening on the screen the fps drops to 2. automata better be the second coming of christ to be worth having to choke through all these previous entries.

(i was going to log the dlc because i played all those too but they are 6 different separate games i would have to log lol. dlc gets some extra pity points for never quite reaching the heights of mind-melting frustration that the base game does. 2 and a half stars.....................OUT OF FIVE.)

playing this game reminded me of eating a pack of oreos. everything melts into a sugary mess the minute you put it in your mouth and before you can stop yourself you've eaten all 3 sleeves and consumed 2000 calories but somehow don't feel full. overall this pack of oreos was pretty cute and i liked the music.

oftentimes when i beat a game i will look up videos of speedruns for it. i did not do that for this game because i felt like i already did the speedrun myself. great entry in the pantheon of games like divekick and superhot that make me feel like i'm cooler and better at video games than i actually am.

the only actual enjoyment i get out of this series is reading about the insane development cycles where people sacrificed their health, marriages, pets, relationships with newborn children, and grip on reality to sleep under their desks in an un-air conditioned bellevue office in the summertime and finish a game where a purple computer lady tells a space marine which hallway to walk down for deadlines dictated by burger king tie-ins, and this one doesn't even have that going for it. i understand that the multiplayer is what really made this thing the juggernaut that it is, but i feel like a lot of people have great affection for the campaign as well and i just can't see it, even if i squint and pretend it's 2007 (i was 48 years old)

finally some good fucking indie game.

each level is a small, mostly static vignette, and the deceptively mundane photography objectives have you searching their nooks and crannies until the greater narrative smacks you in the face. a fair bit of jank in things like the controls and collision at times, but largely serves to remind you that this is a real one, appearing to be primarily a solo effort on the part of the dev.

the soundtrack also slaps, whatever that means.

This review contains spoilers

ISN'T IT IRONIC that botw was such a success because it turned the zelda formula of "remake oot for the 14th time" on its head, and now there's a very real possibility that the next 14 entries in the series are going to follow the formula of "remake botw"? but it's not like they weren't going to make another one in this style. it's still a very good game.

idle thoughts:

there are some easy to draw parallels to majora's mask here in smartly reusing assets from a previous beloved entry in the series to both cut down on dev time and create a sense of unease by warping things just enough to make the familiar unfamiliar. majora's mask does this far better though :)

the obvious standout is the ultrahand which almost immediately cements itself as a modern classic mechanic. it's shocking how intuitive it is and how everything just works. i've seen videos of people using the mechanic to build things i could never dream of, but i haven't heard as much talk about the fun or sense of accomplishment you get even doing something like gluing two fucked up pieces of wood together to stop some idiot's sign from falling over.

i for sure thought there was going to be a mechanic to swap out your active follower so color me surprised when you squad up with a full 5 motherfuckers by the end of the game. on the negative side, even though they do a great job giving the 5 actual characters distinct personalities, it's kind of disappointing when they just follow you around as lifeless husks. some unique voice lines in combat or something might have been nice?

in a series where more than a little gets squeezed out of "here's a song you remember played on a different instrument" there were a couple musical choices that definitely got me: realizing that the faint notes in the background of the rito village theme during the blizzard were dragon roost isle, a taste of lttp in the castle, they do a very good job of taking these old mainstays and interweaving them into the more ambient soundscape of the switch games.

i realize that the quest boils down to walking to different waypoints, watching some cutscenes, and then holding a button, but finding the memories, figuring out what happened to the master sword, and seeing what zelda did to protect her kingdom after witnessing rauru make a similar sacrifice felt like some of the best story telling we're ever going to get from this series. standing on top of the zelda dragon holding the healed master sword was one of the most non-bacon style epic moments i've experienced in a game in a long time.

i knew this was a good game when the orb went inside itself

This review contains spoilers

breadfall

moppin makes endless games with an ending and you know what i think that's great

Deathloop initially seems up to the task of rising above its own baffling design decision to combine two of the most wretched mechanics in all of video games, stealth and online FPS, but by its conclusion, I was left feeling more like I was checking off the boxes of a Sunday chore list than putting to use any of the knowledge I'd gleaned crashing through the game's 4 levels over and over and over again.

You play as Colt, washing up each morning on the shores of Blackreef, a retrofuturist 60s pastiche rendered in stunning detail by Arkane's Void Engi[WE HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED YOUR 20 FREE REVIEWS THIS MONTH. TO KEEP READING THIS AND OTHER GREAT BACKLOGGD REVIEWS, BECOME A BACKER TODAY AND UNLOCK EXCLUSIVE PERKS.]

mcrib game genre for me. gross, but i can't stop eating.

i've been reading a lot of hard drive mag recently so here's my god of war themed audition tape

Hindu Gods Breathe Sigh of Relief Upon Being Placed in Corner of Whiteboard Labeled "Problematic" at Santa Monica Studio God of War Sequel Brainstorming Session

FTC Charges Kratos and Unnamed Treasure Chest Lid Merchant in Alleged 2 Million Hacksilver Repair Fraud Scheme

Internet Troll Who Thought Up Zinger "God of Bore: Gag-on-cock" 3 Years Ago Disappointed to Find Game Is Actually Pretty Good

In Rare Interview, Kratos Reveals Majority of Anger Towards Norse Pantheon Was Result of Their Inability to Pronounce "Gyro" Correctly

Slimy Goblin Creature Wonders Absentmindedly If Oven Left On as Hurled Leviathan Axe Cleaves Skull in Twain

Kratos Feigns Appreciative Grunt After Unwrapping Father's Day Gift of Necktie from Atreus for Fifth Year in Row