137 Reviews liked by goodchicken


BANGER. Much better for me than DS, but I may need to just play that one again but without using the big axe. I thought the little levels for the most part were very neat and what I needed when I played it. The later little levels where you revisit a harder version of the earlier levels though? Kinda stinky. bit whiffy. I enjoyed this a whole bunch though :)

Do I only log into my backlogg'd acount to 5 star review niche indie games?
No, I also leave thumbs up on all my friends reviews and enjoy reading them.
But also, the first thing.

Holy shit! Final Profit! I played like, 12 hours over the first 2 days I bought this!
It's a fantastic mix of idle games (I love those. :)) and fun silly RPGmaker stuff. It's a solo dev and it's so creative and unique and.
Moral choices in games usually suck, right? But they're really fun here. If your tismal brain is scratched by all the same good feelings as mine, then you should check this out. :)

And when the 1.3 update comes out I'll do a NG+ run.

This review contains spoilers

Stormblood is a solid expansion but not one that felt like it built upon the foundation of FFXIV as strongly as Heavensward, there's definitely a lot more chores and busywork to be done and the general tone, while I do like it a lot, does feel very steady and one-note in comparison to Heavensward's gripping story filled with twists and turns (at least up until the later patches, which usher in a dramatic jump in overall quality).

I think the biggest success of stormblood is its overall vibe and the beauty of its locales, taking inspiration from middle eastern and far eastern culture with some jaw dropping setpieces and outstanding music. By far my favourite area and my favourite portions of the expansion came in the form of the azim steppe and its native inhabitants with their mongolian influences. The music and tone of this area gets me going, its awesome. Those 'endless fields and boundless skies' as Hien puts it were beautiful and learning about the differences in its tribes and their gods was just really fun and interesting and a nice change of pace for a game very centred around one major theme. That theme is liberation and I think for the most part it handles it quite well. There is a lot of complexity in its different cultures and the nature of how they are surviving under colonial oppression and I was particularly fond of the dissonance between Lyse's headstrong determination to free her people and the reality of the local population's struggle to even survive, let alone fight back. Stormblood is constantly highlighting the different perspectives and ways that people survive and eventually reignite their resolve but also takes time to recognise the lasting damage and consequences of the Garleans' violent conquest. Notably there is a fascinating character study into the mind of Fordola, an incredible character and an Ala Mhigan native abused and spat upon by her comrades for her family's co-operation with their oppresors - labelled a traitor by her neighbours and a savage by the Garleans, Fordola vows to achieve freedom by any means and embraces her brand of 'savage', working with the Garleans in pursuit of both liberation and vengeance for her father who died at the hands of a furious Ala Mhigan mob. Fordola's story is that of the victim of circumstance (and it isn't the only time this comes up) and the question of if or how this could ever justify her actions is one the game isn't afraid to look into, but her story is also one of redemption and I just found it really compelling.

Stormblood is a story with a lot of tragedy and melancholy but there's also a lot of hope to be found and I think for the most part it is great stuff and I was thoroughly invested, but there are times where it falls off or otherwise becomes too unbelievable. For one, there are far too many fakeouts and deaths of main characters begin to feel of little consequence unless said character dies onscreen with absolute certainty. In the patches alone I counted 3 fakeouts where you think a character is straight up dead but then they come back for various reasons, if you're going to do that you had best have a very good reason or you risk playing down everything that came before and setting up a worryingly anticlimatic precedent. Also, I would note the handling of Yotsuyu's abuse and the nonchalant attitudes of those that are supposed to protect her as a negative, as it leads to a sadly predictable outcome that feels like it does Yotsuyu dirty and doesn't properly respect her as a victim of horrific abuse and neglect. It felt like it was at its lowest when Asahi, a very obvious bad guy, cruelly brings her parents back into her life with the sole intention of causing her untold pain and misery - to which the player and their allies do nothing except scowl and call it a 'dirty trick' when it felt like they could have and should have done more. Not to mention Yotsuyu is supposed to be under strict house arrest and yet escapes and puts herself in mortal danger twice, this whole section just felt quite rushed and lazy and like it didn't respect Yotsuyu as a character - the tragic outcome of her story seems only to serve to make Gosetsu sad and ponderous and set up the plot around the Ascians pulling all the strings, which could have been done without bringing back Yotsuyu and Gosetsu, I don't know it just felt inconsequential and I don't think the storyline justifies bringing the two back, it certainly could have done but I don't think it does. But saying this the tsukiyomi trial is absolutely hype and Gosetsu's spirit showing up to protect her was so awesome.

The new dungeons and trials in Stormblood carry on the marked improvments that came with Heavensward and the trials in particular, such as those of Susano and Byakko, go so insanely hard. Stormblood also quickly sheds its one-note and focused themes for extremely nuanced and exciting political turmoil and utter chaos in its final acts, introduced in the later patches. These patches are incredible and are filled with amazing monologues, exciting new mysteries that unfold, experly constructed and dramatic cutscenes and battle sequences and my favourite part by far - the relationship that grows between the warrior of light and alisaie, these final quests made me fall in love with alisaie as a character and I felt genuinely crushed when she succumbed to the same fate as her brother and the other scions. The music in this part of the game, the constantly moving and chaotic nature of the story, the character development, all fantastic and it makes me so excited for shadowbringers so bring it on. Captain has freed Doma and Ala Mhigo but the real battle has only just begun!

Fuck this game and it's Wattpad fanfic-tier meta bullshit. They ruined Aerith's death.

I have finally completed ALL of the Mori Mori Slime games! As I predicted, the tank battles were the key new feature in the DS game, so this game is all on-foot(?) action stuff, but it has by far the best action parts of any of the Mori Mori Slime games. The bosses are silly and challenging, and you might even die once or twice figuring out their patterns. The game is very forgiving though, if you die. You just get sent back to town, and any resources you collected while you were out are sent back with you, so there's never any wasted effort :)

Being that there's no tank/ship battles, collecting monsters and items via the carts and rafts are far less important in this game than the others. They're largely just completionist cosmetic things back in your main town, as the items let you cosmetically fix up the town, and the monsters just hang around town like they do in the other games. There's no tank for them to be able to crew around in, sadly, but that's not really the game's fault of how good its successors were :P . The only big reason to explore and be vigilant are the fact that, very rarely, you can find life-fruit (right out of Dragon Quest) to extend your health bar, as well as all of the other villager slimes that you have to find to progress the game.

The story is very light-hearted and silly, just like the other games. It's just a little bit of a shame that Mihon and Surami (your Healie friend and little sister) are kidnapped for almost the entire game, because they're some of the best and funniest characters :/.

Verdict: Highly recommended. I have to assume there's an English patch for this game out there somewhere, so I can recommend it to a wider audience, as the GBA game itself is fairly difficult to find online (in my experience). This is a fantastic action game for GBA, and definitely one of my favorite adventure games on the system.

Though I thought very highly of Dead or Alive, my attempt to pinpoint when the 3D fighting game genre came into its own (or "got good" if you want me to be less polite) has now taken me a few months back to Soul Edge or Blade or whatever the hell you want to call it.

Soul Calibur and DOA are pretty much neck-and-neck for me, and whichever series I prefer changes with the weather. I was hoping that these initial releases would be different enough in terms of quality that I could easily point to one as being better, but it turns out this is not the case!

Sure, Soul Blade differentiates itself by focusing on weapons and even has a surprisingly robust story in the form of the very funnily named "Edge Master" mode, but I think I prefer the weight of Dead or Alive's characters and how that game paces combat. Soul Blade has a deeper combo system, but Dead or Alive is easier to pick up and play. Dead or Alive has jiggle physics, but Soul Blade has Voldo-- there's a lot to weigh here!

That said, Soul Blade released on consoles first, so for the purposes of my completely pointless experiment, it has DOA beat. I could take this back even further and try Tekken 2, but I've played the demo enough times already and I'm not especially impressed by how it feels. Look, it's a weak excuse, I know. I just need to free up some time so I can figure out how the hell you chain Taki's Critical Edge into an actual combo so Sophitia can stop beating the absolute piss out of me. Google is not being helpful, every old GameFaQs and Reddit thread I find basically just says "do it better." Do what better!? It's not in the manual! OH FUCK SOPHITIA IS RUNNING RIGHT AT M-

i've been thinking about my relationship with art, and my thoughts at the moment are that what i want in a piece is to feel something. it's not only about being entertaining, it's about catharsis. it's about feeling extremely happy or deeply miserable. it's about having the teeth grinding, the foot tapping, the head scratched. it's about going insane over the details. i want to feel alive. maybe it's a sick thought. maybe i should just live my own life, but i can guarantee, i've been living my own life a lot! much more than i would like to, sometimes.

all the games i've finished this year so far (very few) were a good time, some of them were amazing, really thought-provoking like anodyne 2, but none of them hit me like a truck. until GOD HAND.

GOD HAND makes you feel extremely happy, deeply miserable, with your teeth grinding, your foot tapping, your head scratching... pretty much at the same time! it's commonly known as a very difficult game and it's not an impossible one, but it does require you full commitment. starting with learning the controls: when action games were about swords and guns, with fast-paced movement, GOD HAND was about throwing punches while moving in tank controls. it's all about positioning, a 1v1 it's already a difficult task, but a 2v1? a 4v1? does not help when your crowd control movements are slow as hell! but don't be confused: GOD HAND is not a slow game! actually, if you can't keep up, you will pretty much ended up cooked lol, you have to adapt to the rhythm of the fight. it's all about learning and once you learn, it's about going wild.

and it's not a flashy game. you throw punches. real punches. punches that hit, than you can feel when it hits. GOD HAND it's a dudes rock game but every single dude is rocking on you (in a not-homosexual-way (unfortunately)), and you got rock on them instead. GOD HAND it's a videogame that loves action games. it's a videogame that recognizes the masculine archetypes about the action genre in overall media and at the same time it honors it and it also makes fun of it. GOD HAND is very "manly"! i mean, having blackjack and poker and dogs races as a way to make money makes me think that shinji mikami and the team are either the funniest guys ever or the most heteronormative of all time! and it's very funny either way.

what really matters is that GOD HAND is a videogame that made me feel everything, and in a year that is definitely NOT being my year, with a lot of work and study and personal problems as well, making me sometimes lost my interest in my favorite hobby, it reminds me how great videogames can be and how i can always just punch a son of a bitch when it needs to. you better watch out mf!!!

i honestly really hope this game gets a port/remake because there's something very special about it

it's sad that there's no way to play it on modern platforms without emulation

unfortunately this is my least favourite Castlevania Game I have played except for Circle of the Moon :( touch screen stuff absolutely ruins the bosses. I didn't love the way the heavy weapon feels but I still used it because it did the big numbers and I didn't like the castle layout! It relied on the teleporters way too much and I never felt like I got to know my way around the place. The fun toy room area was good thouhgh.

TURN OFF THE CONSOLE

yes sorry. I originally played this a couple years ago and didn't finish it, said it was mgs1 but worse, didn't care. played it again on easy mode and any moment snake showed up I was hyped and loving it. I found the middle of the game fine? But when the rails start coming off I think I sat and played this for a few hours straight and I loved it, it was glorious. and I have thought about it a lot since playing it! Some of the stuff that happens towards the end is absolutely incredible and very relevant now and I just bloody love it mat.e.

I liked the character banter, and the action scenes were animated wonderfully, but the gameplay loop sucks, the open world feels weirdly secondary, and the game is so SLOOOOOOOOOOOW

This review contains spoilers

Rest in peace Akira Toriyama 💚

Dragon Quest 8 is about as pure of an adventure as you can get and I loved just about every moment of its main story and side content. After beating 11 and now this i'm developing a stronger appreciation for what dragon quest is all about and I feel like i've come around on it massively. At a point I was treating dragon quest 11 like other jrpgs i've come to know and love, this is the series that established so many of its trends after all, but in doing so I feel like I was critiquing it unfairly and overlooking the things that made it really special (which is why I deleted my DQ11 review and reevaluated its score)

The gameplay has evolved from those trends at a, shall we say, 'leisurely' pace; but I think that's what a lot of people love about it and part of why its so popular, you always know what you're getting and fans have actually fought against it to change - see dragon quest 9’s departure from its original action rpg direction and subsequent return to traditional turn-based combat in response to fan backlash. There’s been experimentation, new additions and quality of life changes but the fundamentals have never really changed all that much and if it isn’t broke, why fix it right? It will always sell like wildfire, but for good reason, there’s something about this familiar and homely approach to game design, sure you can pick it apart but if it didn’t work at its core and wasn’t fun, it simply would not have stuck around for as long as it has. Granted the original on the ps2 had random encounters and i’m glad to see those go in favour of visible overworld monsters, a totally meaningful change which is becoming the new norm - infact it always felt like the intention even way back when I was playing pokemon yellow (random encounters felt like a means to an end, a technical shortcut used to ‘simulate’ bumping into monsters on the road during your adventure by low memory, primitive console hardware). Basically what i’m saying is i’m glad some things like that have adapted over the years for something that I feel is better, but the template has not changed and there’s something comforting in that.

Comforting is what playing Dragon Quest 8 is on all levels really, even in its melancholic, dramatic and more tense moments, it exists in a fairytale-like universe where you know the heroes are going to win in the end and everyone will live happily ever after. Its not the destination that matters, it is the journey, the friends you make, the places you see and the memorable enemies and rivals you face along the way - simultaneously getting ever stronger and more confident as you go. These games are bedtime stories that you are literally thrust inside of and can take control of and its wonderful; at their best its like the game equivalent of being at home, on a soft chair, wrapped in a blanket with a hot drink in hand (I can also confirm that this is probably the best way to play them if you’re able). I came out of DQ11 enjoying my time but happy to see it finally come to an end, but then in DQ8 I truly fell in love.

Tonally I think DQ8 nails it, from the very beginning it is established that you are a guard to King Trode along with your pal Yangus and need to remove a curse from him and his daughter, princess Medea, which turned them into a monster and a horse respectively. This simple motivation extends to the entire rest of the game and there’s beauty in that simplicity, it never steers too far from its focus and I felt actively involved in the characters’ dilemma, rather than just some guy along for the ride. I love being bossed around by Trode and find him and Yangus consistently hilarious and lovable. Yangus in particularly is just the best isn’t he, just the most loyal bri’ish bloke I ever met, he’d have your back in a pub fight any day of the week and he carried me hard for the entire game, nothing on this planet could stop a max psyched and oomphed yangus.
Throughout the entire game I never got bored of its antics, narrative arcs and wacky characters with ludicrously over the top voice acting. I love love love its goofy voices and exaggerated accents, how can you not find it incessantly charming, the english VAs go above and beyond (though sometimes there’s something dire like Dominico or Rhapthorne’s first form, what the fuck were they thinking honestly, hilarious though).

Two things that stand out above all the rest and truly made this experience for me are its art and its soundtrack. Sadly both Akira Toriyama, the lead artist and Kuichi Sogiyama, the composer, have passed away now and I dedicate this to them, the future of this series and jrpgs in general owe so much to them both and thank you for delivering such outstanding work! The character (and monster) designs of dragon quest are outstanding but few of its characters are so colourful and full of personality as we see in DQ8, along with my favourite hero design in the entire franchise. The expressive models and brilliantly composed cutscenes do the designs so much justice and create some great scenes ranging from hysterical slapstick antics to this gripping, palpable melancholy. All this heightened by what is now one of my favourite soundtracks ever. DQ8’s soundtrack is beautiful and captures the ‘vibe’ of every sequence perfectly. Every mood it seems to try and convey is done masterfully and drives this consistent feeling of adventure, mystery, and longing. It can be dramatic or it can be soft and ambient, but its never boring, it never fades into the background, it is always there heightening every emotion the game wants to deliver and that’s something only the best soundtracks do. The smooth and soft violins make up a lot of this ost and they are intoxicating, sweeping over and wrapping around everything else.

Its hard to even pick a favourite moment in DQ8 and in this sense it kind of reminded me of ocarina of time, which similarly has these consistent highs where each storyline is as interesting and enjoyable as the last but the overarching tone always stays the same and this sense of familiarity never truly goes away. Not to mention the world itself is really pretty and fun to explore, the 3ds version is among the best looking games on the system I think. The towns and settlements feel like real places and their individuality shines, I particularly loved exploring castle trodain whilst it is under the curse, the melancholic atmosphere is top notch here and the best track in the game plays here aswell, only making it better. The final dungeon is also a total maze and I really enjoyed it, especially the part where you solve a puzzle by circling what looks like a small town which becomes progressively more cursed and ramshackled with each lap. Something that particularly stood out to me were the personal moments like hearing Medea speak to you in your sleep which I adored, the flashback sequence with Medea meeting the hero and looking after him and helping a king to overcome the trauma of losing his wife.

My only real complaints / criticisms are the incessant metal slime grinding needed to defeat that insane final boss and the sheer amount of randomness that involves as well as the creepy treatment / objectification of some female characters like Jessica, it feels out of place and uncomfortable and should go away. I don’t care for metal slimes in general and don’t see why they exist as a ‘mechanic’ or whatever, the fact they can be worth anywhere between 2x and like, 200x as much XP as what most regular monsters give is so unnecessary. I mean having some monsters be worth a fair bit more xp is fine but the difference is astronomical and this is the only real way to grind without wasting dozens of hours of your precious time and yet it involves so much randomness. A level of randomness is acceptable but there’s randomness to even find metal slimes in the first place because they’re pretty rare (at least you don’t have to find them in random encounters here thank god). After that there’s randomness in whether or not the slime will just flee immediately and there’s even more randomness in trying to get a critical hit to kill them, that’s multiple levels of random and if you get unlucky in any one of them it is frustrating as fuck! Again this wouldn’t matter so much if metal slime hunting wasn’t the fastest and most optimal way to grind XP since they are worth such a ludicrous amount more than regular enemies.

Without those things I think this would be 5 stars honestly, I enjoyed it so much. This game is just delightful, endlessly charming, warm, comforting and so endearing and silly. Its nice to delve into something that isn’t complex or witty or groundbreaking, it is just plain, simple, joyful fun. By the end credits I was smiling with goosebumps as the overture played on the main menu screen, *Keanu voice: yeah i’m thinking i’m dragon quest fan.

I went on a hike once, but it was nothing like this. My Father and I were trekking through the Cairngorms in the heart of Scotland. If you haven't seen it, it's a beautiful place. Flowing rivers, glistening lochs, bustling forests, the works. Every way you look, you're encircled by these white-capped hills that lap over eachother like great waves on a distant ocean.

Needless to say, when the time finally came for us to begin our hike -- I was excited. Heart pumping, legs twitching, balls tingling, (they do that when I'm excited) I couldn't wait to challenge these mountains, to duel with them with my own hands and feet. So voracious was my climbing appetite, that by the time I topped my first tableland, I realised I'd left my Dad behind. At first, I was struck with concern -- he had a history of heart complications and a poor sense of direction, it wasn't out of the question he'd get lost, or worse -- perish. Then I remembered all the times he'd forgotten my birthday and cheated on his wives and realised I didn't care. I pressed on, determined to reach the highest point of these mountaintops. My feet became warriors, my Limited Edition Ahegao Yeezys their Spartan helms. My balls were still tingling. I crested over every crevice, I powered through every plateau, I marched across every arch. Needless to say, my progress without my deadbeat Father was incredible. "Soon," I thought, "that summit will submit."

And then the snow fell.

And it kept falling.

And it kept falling until all of the Cairngorms were a sheet of paper. I, a small mark only impressed upon it by the dirt of a fingernail. Beginning to panic, I scoured the area for shelter, and found a small cave overlooking a gentle slope. I nestled my way in and sparked a small fire with some twigs and my trusty M1A1 U.S. Military Flamethrower, which I never leave the house without. I checked the time on my phone -- 14:51. "I really hope it stops snowing soon," I thought.

But it didn't.

It snowed and it snowed and it snowed for what felt like eons. I swore I saw entire families of deer cross the mountains from my left, and come back days later from the right, smaller in number. Or maybe I was just hallucinating. I began to ponder my life and all the things I'd seen, suspecting I was coming to the end of it. I reminisced on the times I'd burnt the midnight oil at my desk as though some kind of infernal engine built for the sole purpose of generating laughs from strangers online. I wondered, was it worth it? I began to ruminate on what had caused this endless blizzard. Some kind of freak weather incident no one could have predicted? Or some kind of cosmic karma, cast down from the heavens as if to show me how futile and trivial my pursuits had been all along? As if even my own mind was turning against me, the one thing I could think of before long, the sole remaining thought I had to distract me from my impending freezing demise...Was that of the look a woman gives you when you kiss her. When you hold her close, press your face up against hers, and then look down at her after you're done, foreheads meeting in a holy union, like what swans do. The look she gives you in return, when she looks back up and her eyes meet yours? There is nothing more beautiful in this life. Nothing more tender. It is the most innocent smile, the purest expression of affection. Nothing in the world can emulate that. I should know, I've tried. I've spent countless hours trying to do it in the mirror. I'm doing it right now.

I look at my phone again. 14:56. "I'm finished", I tell myself. "This is it". I close my eyes, ready to drift off into the chilling embrace of death. And then? Precious memories begin flickering through my mind, like pictures in a film reel. Moments of joy from my childhood, moments of sadness from my adolescence, moments of frustration from my adulthood. All of them roll through my mind at a speed I'm surprised I can even comprehend, but I can...And then...Suddenly...I can feel my fingers again...I can feel my nose running again..."Am I dead?" I wonder. "Is this a near-death experience? Do you get the feeling back just before you die or something?"

But no, soon I realise what's really going on.

Finally, the heroin has kicked in.

The 8 mg's of heroin I'd snorted shortly before the snow began falling and shortly after I'd twisted my ankle a little bit trying to do a Michael-Jackson-Smooth-Criminal lean over the edge of a steep mesa had finally taken effect. I'm fucking back baby. Enough "remembering" and all that pussy shit. I pick up my flamethrower, blast this Nightcore version of "Word Up" by Cameo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N5CyOl5dJY) and decide it's time to re-enter society and make this mountain my bitch. Stepping outside, frothing at the mouth like a rabid badger, with a gait not entirely unlike Theresa May's "Dancing Queen" entrance to the 2018 Conservative Party Conference played in 3x speed, I dart around every orifice of the mountain range, the snow that nearly doomed me now a mere triviality. It's as if I don't even know how fast I'm going, nor can I control myself. I have no thoughts of pain or fatigue or cold, all I'm seeing are dazzling lights, rapturous kaleidoscopes firing off before my eyes. At one point, I'm pretty sure I see the entirety of the movie "Get Out" by Jordan Peele, which is a great movie and all -- but as a white guy I feel a bit weird about that, almost like I'm being insensitive somehow. I don't know. I just don't feel like that's the one movie that should be playing in my mind of all people, y'know?

And before I know it, when my senses finally return to me. I'm there. I'm at the summit. My heartbeat seems to have slowed somewhat, my breathing somewhat normal again, save for a heavy pant. The entirety of the majestic Scottish highlands stretches out before. I shake my head in disbelief, "what a rich tapestry...Not everyone gets to appreciate a view like this." And after taking it all in, I know of only one way to celebrate.

Without even touching my own penis, I ejaculate. I ejaculate with the force of 5000 men in what can only be described as a kind of semen spirit bomb. I struggle to find other ways to describe the amount of fluid I dispersed here, so let's just say that if they made cannons that fired PVA glue, it'd be a bit like that. If the local park rangers and hikers thought the snow was thick, "wait until they get a load of this," I smirk. Of course, my logic is flawed. Because I'm far too busy appreciating the view to notice that the sub-zero temperature has frozen my semen solid midway through its descent, and so it's likely to be believed to be typical ice by most casual onlookers, with no one to ever conceive of the incredible cum shower I produced here. Worse still, my penis has frozen solid, and when I reach for it to warm it up, it falls off my body entirely, which I assume is a symptom of hypothermia. I passed out promptly after, and woke up several days later in this chair, writing this review.

All of this is to say, A Short Hike is not a particularly realistic hiking experience. And hey, it doesn't need to be! What it is is a lovely, cosy little game with great visuals, some fun traversal and a very charming personality. A Long Hike next, please!

highest score i got on this ever was 35k i think. i do not fucking play about bird & beans

this game is called flickie's island