Maybe I'll write an actual review some day but here's some quick thoughts:

- The aesthetics are incredible. This game is an artistic achievement, I've never seen anything that looks and feels like it. Amazing touches like the music in the lobby and foyer.
- The gameplay is real damn fun. Getting a good run makes you feel like a god, everything just dies nigh instantly. The main problem is variety: not enough different floor objectives, not enough enemies & bosses, and not enough different color chips. The way the system works where every weapon basically already determines the run since they each have a specific category of power ups they are much more likely to get makes replaying weapons you've already beaten a run with kinda boring.
- The ending is good but frankly, not as good as something like Octo Expansion.
- The music is good too, very different from the rest of the series and I definitely prefer it that way, but again to my ear not as good as Octo.
- The story is fine in isolation but that title ain't lying: Side Order feels like a side mission. If you think about how important to the world of Splatoon the events of Octo Expansion felt and compare that to the events of Side Order, it's hard not to be a bit disappointed. The way it unlocks is pretty strange too: after your first run the story is essentially over but the game leaves many mysteries still open that gradually get answered by doing runs with other weapons. Fine on paper, but even with all of the weapons completed and all of the "lore" read, I still feel Octo had a much stronger impact.

Edit: after lots of mentally going back and forth between 4 and 4.5 stars I think I'll leave it at 4.5. Although this "review" sounds pretty negative it only is because I'm directly comparing it to the pinnacle of Splatoon instead of looking at it in the wider gaming landscape and compared to the other games I've played: yeah this is still leagues above most of them. What can I say, I just like my gay little squid games.

Feels kinda weird giving the main game as well as both DLCs the same score, but I really think the quality is super strong all the way throughout. This DLC probably has the strongest characterization for Alan yet while also teasing the players with questions yet to be answered. Gameplay continues The Signal's trend of utilizing familiar mechanics in some new ways and while it can be a bit frustrating with how quickly Alan goes down, I do think that overall adds to the tense atmosphere that makes up a huge part of my enjoyment of the game.

I really love the presentation and mood, and the writing is so damn good. It plays good too, basically feels like old Doom but they do a lot of fun stuff with its implementation of free aim. Some levels are very questionable in design but most are fine and for every level there are walkthroughs available so I don't think its a deal breaker. Would've been a 4.5 for me if the ending had been a little stronger, just feels kinda cliffhanger-y.

Edit: spoiler territory okay don't read on if you don't wanna know but:
Thinking a bit more about the ending I find myself appreciating it more and more. The entire time Durandal has been playing you and the ending isn't you overcoming him or confronting him or anything, he gets exactly what he was aiming for the entire time and it makes sense too, he's the brain you're the brawn, he feels incredibly powerful the entire story despite realistically just being text on a black background and they actively choose not to diminish his power at the end and instead reinforce it by having things go his way.

god giggly goo god damn. god fucking jiggle goo ga goo god. you got all the bitches, you got small bitches, you got big bitches, you got shy bitches, you got angry bitches, sometimes you even got not absurdly sexualized bitches so if the pastor finds you playing nikke in church he won't get mad at you.
gameplay is fine. it's simple and satisfying but of course it's being held back by the usual gacha bullshit like 20 different currencies and power levels and management shit outside of the actual game. got some quite nice quality of life tho like being able to raise other characters to the level of your highest characters automatically.
the main problem with the game is that you need at least two people at all times to get the most out of it. it's real hard to focus on the ass while still aiming at enemies so optimally you'd grab your favorite bozo and rotate every 5 seconds or so, have one aim and the other stare and repeat that process until one of you cums

4.5 stars because I wish there was more unlockables and stuff, this game rules

edit: nvm it deserves 5

edit 2: you know what I wanna talk some more about it because I keep thinking of it. I really love everything about it. the gameplay is great needless to say but even the story is class, like reading into it and finding out what is going on is a great time and the game tells it in a really smart way where it doesn't ever feel like it just wastes your time with cutscenes and actively makes you want to find out more about the world the game is set in. the old school N64 ass voice acting is beyond charming. it really works great with the models too, I love the look of it all. I always struggle with defining what gives a game replayability outside of with roguelites of course, but this game sure as fuck has it. it's probably just a combination of the short run time and non stop spectacle of it all, it really feels like rewatching a great movie you love. the arcade style scoring probably contributes to it too.

my first review of this game was kinda ass so lemme give it another shot

I think there are two major aspects that make this game so perfect to me. One is the mechanical side, and the other are the vibes simply put.

I think Wario Land 4 is still the best execution of the basic idea of what I have dubbed an 'extraction platformer'. Y'know, games like this, Pizza Tower, Antonblast and so on. The core aspects of these games to me is that unlike regular platformers in which the goal is beating a level, the goal of extraction platformers is to enter a level, collect loot of some kind, and then get out. This means that the levels are like individualized versions of Metroidvanias, as the goal is not to reach an arbitrary conclusion to the level, but instead to explore. Wario Land 4 commits to this principle to an immense degree: every level has six individual collectibles and a score attached to it. Entering and leaving a level without collecting anything does exactly nothing for you, the level counts as 'cleared' but you have not progressed at all through the game, which is to say you haven't unlocked the next level. In order to unlock the next level the player is required to find a key and bring it to the exit of the level. However this isn't the end of it - every section of Wario Land 4 consists of four levels and one boss and only once the boss has been defeated does that section count as cleared and unlocking the boss isn't as easy as beating the four associated levels. In each level, next to the mandatory key for unlocking the next level, there are four more key shards necessary to unlock this sections boss. Across four levels this means you are forced to collect 16 key shards, along with four key birds that unlock the next level. That is five mandatory collectibles hidden in every level. Wario Land 4 doesn't just suggest you explore levels - it forces you to do so. Every level doesn't feel like a level as a result, it feels like its own game, a feeling only empowered by the large variety in themes, the unique music, and unique mechanics for each level. You keep everything you collected in a level each time you extract - that is to say end the level without dying, meaning you don't have to feel pressured about collecting everything in one go, the game truly feels designed around revisiting every level and checking out every corner. Of course you know at this point what the end of every level looks like. It's a run all the way back to the entrance of the level while a massive timer on screen counts down. The game is much more forgiving than other extraction platformers in this regard. Once time runs out you aren't being chased by something that will kill you in one attack, the only thing that happens is that the score you have achieved in the current run starts trickling down. You will get an instant game over once the points run out completely, but in my many runs of this game this has never happened to me even once. This might lead you to ask what the point is in that case - afterall, why threaten to punish the player if the punishment is not severe? But it makes perfect sense in the large scheme of both the gameplay and the story. You are Wario - you're a collector. A man who has only started this journey to become rich. Losing score - and therefore cash - might not bother you in a game sense but in the shoes of Wario it truly is a terrifying omen. That being said, your score isn't just a number for comparing yourself to other players and yourself. Getting more than 10,000 points in a level permanently marks that level with a gold crown. This doesn't do anything by itself but once again fits into the idea of playing as Wario and also has the added bonus of a cute little unlockable after obtaining all gold crowns in every level. It's also just plain fun. I seriously cannot replay this game without going for a gold crown in every level, it feels like such an essential part of the game design that it simply doesn't feel right to move on to the next level if I haven't done everything in the current one yet. This is a good time to mention that there is a 6th hidden collectible in each and every level. It is the only one that is 100% optional but the reward is truly something special. I will talk some more about it later but to wrap up the mechanics section I also want to stress that Wario is just such an immense joy to control. He feels truly powerful as a character, with a ground pound that knocks over all the enemies in the vicinity, the ability to pick enemies up and throw them at each other, and most importantly, the dash. I cannot begin to describe how good this dash is. The closest comparison would be the speed booster from Metroid with more of a platforming focus to it. You are still surprisingly vulnerable during it but I simply cannot help myself and use it whenever possible just for how satisfying it is. It also once again encourages getting to know each level - something you're already inclined to do as you're unlikely to find all the (mandatory) collectibles on your first go.

Then there's the vibes. The closest comparison I could make would be to the first No More Heroes game. It catches a similar punk rock attitude. I have no idea how WL4's creators came up with all the little touches this game has but it's truly incredible what they managed to achieve here. Wario as a character feels truly fleshed out in a way few other games are able to despite him not having any dialogue throughout the game. His animations are full of character but even more brilliant are the sounds he makes, many of which are played at different pitches and tempos seemingly at random. Even the sounds themselves seem to be random which leads to weird occurences like Wario laughing from getting hit. There's a weird, artificial quality to the sounds Wario makes, certainly enhanced by the GBA's limited sound quality. It often feels like Wario is commenting on what is happening rather than being the character making these sounds in the moment. It's a weird, alien kind of vibe that once again perfectly fits that punk attitude I mentioned earlier, being deliberately different from the rest of the pack. The game also beautifully manages a large quantity of different tones. There's a certain maturity to it. Wario doesn't just feel like a goofball who's just funny and nothing else, him and the world around him feel sincere and genuine. The music contributes greatly to this. The 6th, optional collectible each level has I mentioned earlier actually unlocks a song in what appears to be a spoof of classic game's sound tests. It's called the CD room and in complete opposition to actual sound tests, it only has music in it not found anywhere else in the game. This music is weird. There's some more regular tracks in there but a large portion of the songs presented are ambient noise tracks and sound collages. They can tell little stories using only various sound effects or make you feel things the main game doesn't. The truly bizarre two frame animations that play on loop during these tracks only enhance the eeriness felt by some of these pieces.

To wrap it up in a neat bow and make it simple: it plays real good, is truly innovative in terms of game structure, and has some of the freshest most out there vibes in any Nintendo game.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for your time. If not, that's okay too. I love you.

Peak Splatoon, this is not a full review but just some thoughts that really make it stand out to me as not just the best Splatoon content, but also the best DLC of any game I have ever played. Slight spoilers follow.

Part 1: Worldbuilding
The world of Splatoon is a really neat one. It's just fun to read into and you can tell the devs put a lot of love into it. Octo Expansion blew the doors wide open here. You finally get to see a completely different side to this world; a society existing deep beneath the ocean. And it still boggles my mind just how incredibly, incredibly well portraited that society is simply through the aesthetics and the random NPCs you meet on the subway. These NPCs serve so many purposes at the same time: they exist to liven up the subway, making it feel less lonely. They serve as comedic relief. They allow the designers to go wild and create even more out there, interesting character designs. But most of all, they sell the setting. Through the fact that you can't at all speak to these NPCs, that they exist not for you, not for the story, not for the other NPCs to interact with, but instead for themselves they are perfect. They are just people living in a world you don't fully understand. They don't care about you or your mission to save the world, they're just living their lives, implicitly telling so, so much about the world that simply would not be possible if they acted like other game NPCs and talked to you. You get the feeling they don’t even speak the same language as you, combining this with the general subway aesthetic, creating the image of being on the move, having shit to do, living their own lives independent of the other people here. And all that is just a small part of the worldbuilding Octo Expansion seemingly completely effortlessly is able to pull off. I haven’t even mentioned the liberation of the Octolings, beautifully realized with you finally being able to play as one yourself, thus leaving a permanent mark of your accomplishments on your account and noticeable in the world around you.

Part 2: Aesthetics
I have come to realize that random stuff floating in mid-air is a peak aesthetic choice. It sounds deceptively simple, but all the backdrops of each stage in the Octo Expansion are a marvel to behold. They each feature collages of objects, not randomly thrown together but beautifully crafted to express to the player just the right emotions. Combine that with the best soundtrack in the series and the pure feeling of it all is intense and raw. Add to that the UI, and the level hub: the Deepsea Metro. The UI is clean; easy to read but at the same time has so much style and character. My personal favorite touch is when checking out mem cakes: the game shows a tiny 2D illustration of your manually created Octoling holding the mem cake and looking around. This teeny tiny picture impresses me every time. Of course, for one there is the fact that again, it actually reflects the Octoling you created, not just any random other Octoling. And for two it beautifully illustrates how simple does not equate cheap. These illustrations have a childlike quality to them, with shaky lines and bright colors, but the sheer appeal is immeasurable and that doesn’t just happen by accident. Works of art like these are deceptive in their simplicity, but to get them to feel just right is a massive undertaking. The same applies to the rest of the expansion. I already talked about the extremely strong feelings the subway evokes through its riders, but even without them the mental image it evokes is an insanely strong one. It perfectly carries the overall theme of nostalgia, and I find the exploration of that theme in this DLC to be a really unique one. It neither embellishes, nor decries it. It is content to simply show you these meticulously chosen objects and let you form your own feelings about them. These objects you might have a personal relation to just sort of floating in mid-air, far out of your reach, feels bittersweet. It’s like seeing a picture of an old friend without being able to contact them.

Part 3: Gameplay
Let’s make this one quick: Octo Expansion has the best levels in the series, and a lot of them. I’m not going to spoil anything here, but the buildup to the final battle and the battle itself will forever remain one of if not the single best series highlight. The Octo Expansion also has my absolute favorite boss fight in the series in its secret boss. It’s really obvious why they modeled Splatoon 3’s Hero Mode after the expansion: these levels simply have so much more to them mechanically and difficulty wise than anything prior and frankly, anything since. Splatoon 3’s Hero Mode has good levels, but the overall quality is still better in the Octo Expansion. I also feel the overworld 3 added could have done more for it, but ultimately, I much prefer Octo’s simple grid level selection. The Side Order DLC for Splatoon 3 went in a completely different direction so it’s not really fair to compare it directly to the Octo Expansion, but to put it simple: I still prefer how Octo plays.

Part 4: Conclusion
It’s the best. Simple as. No other single player activity in the series has managed to get as many things so right while being extremely innovative while also still being extremely unique. If you read all of this I honestly just want to say: thank you. Hope you’re enjoying Side Order.

Not a review but going back to the first game for a bit after beating the rest of the trilogy made me realize that oh, this is one of my favorite games ever. I love just thinking about it, untangling this confusing mess of loose threads that come together so perfectly. It's also the only game in the series that has you read some of the most esoteric shit in any game while some bumping MIDI tune is playing, only to never directly reference said writing again. The feeling created by the way the story is told, the confusing and sometimes bullshit level design, and the extremely charming visuals and music is entirely its own, and it plays nicely too. No other game hits quite the same as Marathon 1 and I cannot appreciate that enough.
On a side note, the Mandalore review is great but PLEASE don't think there's nothing left for you here if you watched that. If you're at all into Bungie, old school shooters, or just weird games in general, I implore you to give it a shot. It's free and coming to Steam soon enough as well.

Metroid (1986) is one of the most interesting video games ever made. Its hero is Samus Aran, a rule-bending cop who only answers to her own moral code. There are flashes of Nietzsche in her - Samus lives to fight. Over 7 seasons, she wages war with our modern world 👇


Samus's take on evil: This is an amoral world with some truly terrible people in it. But nature abhors a vacuum - even a vacuum of evil. You can't eliminate the bad guy without someone else taking his place. Best you can do is manage evil, slow it down, contain it.


Rules are for people who can't think on the spot, who can't separate the the-best-possible-good from the most-avoidable-evil when faced with the critical moment of choice, who freeze up when the stakes get high. But Samus Aran is not that gal.

For Samus, the supreme virtue is loyalty. She leads not a team but a warband, soldiers and not mere men. They are tight - they stick together & can crack cases that the thinkers, bureaucrats, politicians can't. But the preconditions for such a warband are gone, they're an anomaly.

And the world is never kind to the anomalies of the age. The nerds hate Samus because she's too smooth, the rule-lovers hate her because she flaunts the laws that govern their life, the politicians because she only cares for truth, results, and her personal code.

Samus Aran gets results, more results than anyone else; but the zeitgeist isn't hers, she sticks out like a sore thumb. In life, our actual jobs are secondary. The primary job foisted on all is to not disturb the morality of our society and to help extend it. Samus isn't interested.

Metroid is a tragedy not because our heroes get hurt, get shot at, and receive nothing but condescension from a system that wouldn't work without them. Metroid is a tragedy because our heroes betray their brothers. The world manages to crush the warband.

Samus is betrayed, can't protect the ones she's supposed to, and the final knife-twist is when she's forced to choose between her loyalty to her ex-wife and one of her brothers. She chooses wrong - she chooses loyalty to the one who already sold her out, she betrays the one who didn't.

What happens to Samus? Watch the show. The world tries to impose a fate worse than death on her - to separate her not just from her men and family but from her way of life. But I like to imagine that she would one day slip through the chains, face the ones who wronged him, and go: "You want to tell me with your teeth or without?"

To submit, comply, go with the system? Or to bet everything on your soul guiding you right? For women like Samus Aran, the question itself never comes up. Let woman's deep instinct clash with the weight of the world, and see who's the last woman standing.