21 reviews liked by DBKaz
Dragon Power
1988
You know what? Fuck you. unlicenses your game
Death Road to Canada
2016
Would give this like 3 stars but they added a big chungus joke into the game and honestly I'm not standing for that!
perspective shot of the house
peter is sitting on the couch, typing on his laptop
Brian: "Hey Peter what are you doing"
Peter: "Oh hey Bri, I'm reviewing our video game on this neat website, it's so freakin' awesome"
Brian: "Sure, but don't you think writing about your own work would come off as a bit narcissistic"
Peter: "No way, internet celebrities do this all the time. Just like my distant cousin and soulslike v-tuber, Ashley Griffin"
cutaway to Ashley Griffin
Ashley Griffin: "Rap isn't real music"
perspective shot of the house
peter is again typing on his laptop, but is now laying stomach-down on the couch and swinging his legs back and forth while twirling his hair through his finger
stewie walks in
Stewie, chuckling: "Well well well, somebody must be making breakfast 'cause I see an egg cracking!"
long pause
the camera gets a close-up of Stewie
Stewie, looking at the camera with a straight face: "That was a gay joke."
another long pause
the doorbell rings
Peter, yelling towards kitchen: "Hey Meg, make yourself useful and get the door"
Meg: audibly makes this noise
Peter: "Shut up, Meg"
meg falls over and remains there for the duration of the scene
lois answers the front door
Lois: "Well, you must be Cyndi Lauper!"
Cyndi Lauper: "Hello, Lois. It is I, Cyndi Lauper, from 'that one music video your parents won't stop streaming to the tv while guests are over' "
peter walks on-screen
Peter: "What's goin' on""
Cyndi Lauper, hands on hips: "Peter, I'm here as a representative of the Lotta Paragraph Games Committee, and we've been receiving some very unhappy messages about your so-called 'review'. Many of our group chat members say it's in poor taste"
Peter: .
Lois, laughing nervously: "Ohhh, I'm sure it can't be that bad,"
Lois, now with a straight face: "Trust me, I know Peter and poor taste"
cutaway to peter sitting in a high chair wearing a bib. Lois is angrily feeding him peas on a spoon
Peter, crying: "I don't wanna! it doesn't even have any Styrofoam marshmallows shaped like my morning cartoons!"
Lois, fuming: "You'll eat it and like it!"
cut back to scene
Cyndi Lauper: "Now, it's perfectly reasonable to be defensive about it, but that's the group consensus going around"
Cyndi Lauper, whispering to Peter: "I even hear them calling it pick-me behavior"
Peter, gasping: "What??? Pick-me behavior??? That's ridiculous! I haven't done anything of the sort! Well, not since high school, anyway"
cut to joe, cleveland, peter and quagmire, in high school, sitting at, each holding a glass of milk
Joe: "My glass is half-full"
Cleveland: "My glass is half-empty"
Peter, doing pensive emoji face: "My glass feels like everyone treats them like a ghost and wishes they would invite them to parties and give them free affection but it's ok it's not really bothered by it it's just venting :("
Quagmire: "My glass is still warm! Giggity giggity giggity giggity!!!"
cut back to scene
Cyndi Lauper: "Well I'm sorry, but if you want to give a better impression to those people, you'll have to put up a new review expressing how you really feel"
shot of the clam
peter, joe, and quagmire are sitting at their booth
Peter, looking at the camera, unimpressed: "Cleveland isn't here with us today so I'm going to say something racially insensitive. Seth will not comment about this for the next 20 years, then reply to a callout tweet about it with the 'clenched teeth oooooh' reaction gif"
Quagmire, looking at Peter: "So Peter, you're saying these guys are upset at your review"
Peter: "Yeah, they say it's not a real review and it's just me bragging about me having my own game"
Joe: "Well Beter, if I were you, I'd update it to include a lengthy manifesto about the idiosyncrasies between our show's cutaway format and the sequential structure of game
Quagmire: "Or you could be like me and name all the characters you wanna bang!"
Peter, excited: "Hey, that's a great idea!"
Joe: "Which idea, the uhh, my idea or the other one"
Peter, now straight-faced: "The other one"
Joe, looking downwards: .
sweeping shot of guadelahara
cut to stewie and brian eating granola and sitting on a rock
Stewie, chewing: "This is the B-plot where we try to make you forget we don't have any other gags about gamer culture"
Brian, also chewing: "I read yaoi during the cutaways"
Two more plot-threads occur over the next 15 minutes, entirely unrelated to the first.
peter is sitting on the couch, typing on his laptop
Brian: "Hey Peter what are you doing"
Peter: "Oh hey Bri, I'm reviewing our video game on this neat website, it's so freakin' awesome"
Brian: "Sure, but don't you think writing about your own work would come off as a bit narcissistic"
Peter: "No way, internet celebrities do this all the time. Just like my distant cousin and soulslike v-tuber, Ashley Griffin"
cutaway to Ashley Griffin
Ashley Griffin: "Rap isn't real music"
perspective shot of the house
peter is again typing on his laptop, but is now laying stomach-down on the couch and swinging his legs back and forth while twirling his hair through his finger
stewie walks in
Stewie, chuckling: "Well well well, somebody must be making breakfast 'cause I see an egg cracking!"
long pause
the camera gets a close-up of Stewie
Stewie, looking at the camera with a straight face: "That was a gay joke."
another long pause
the doorbell rings
Peter, yelling towards kitchen: "Hey Meg, make yourself useful and get the door"
Meg: audibly makes this noise
Peter: "Shut up, Meg"
meg falls over and remains there for the duration of the scene
lois answers the front door
Lois: "Well, you must be Cyndi Lauper!"
Cyndi Lauper: "Hello, Lois. It is I, Cyndi Lauper, from 'that one music video your parents won't stop streaming to the tv while guests are over' "
peter walks on-screen
Peter: "What's goin' on""
Cyndi Lauper, hands on hips: "Peter, I'm here as a representative of the Lotta Paragraph Games Committee, and we've been receiving some very unhappy messages about your so-called 'review'. Many of our group chat members say it's in poor taste"
Peter: .
Lois, laughing nervously: "Ohhh, I'm sure it can't be that bad,"
Lois, now with a straight face: "Trust me, I know Peter and poor taste"
cutaway to peter sitting in a high chair wearing a bib. Lois is angrily feeding him peas on a spoon
Peter, crying: "I don't wanna! it doesn't even have any Styrofoam marshmallows shaped like my morning cartoons!"
Lois, fuming: "You'll eat it and like it!"
cut back to scene
Cyndi Lauper: "Now, it's perfectly reasonable to be defensive about it, but that's the group consensus going around"
Cyndi Lauper, whispering to Peter: "I even hear them calling it pick-me behavior"
Peter, gasping: "What??? Pick-me behavior??? That's ridiculous! I haven't done anything of the sort! Well, not since high school, anyway"
cut to joe, cleveland, peter and quagmire, in high school, sitting at, each holding a glass of milk
Joe: "My glass is half-full"
Cleveland: "My glass is half-empty"
Peter, doing pensive emoji face: "My glass feels like everyone treats them like a ghost and wishes they would invite them to parties and give them free affection but it's ok it's not really bothered by it it's just venting :("
Quagmire: "My glass is still warm! Giggity giggity giggity giggity!!!"
cut back to scene
Cyndi Lauper: "Well I'm sorry, but if you want to give a better impression to those people, you'll have to put up a new review expressing how you really feel"
shot of the clam
peter, joe, and quagmire are sitting at their booth
Peter, looking at the camera, unimpressed: "Cleveland isn't here with us today so I'm going to say something racially insensitive. Seth will not comment about this for the next 20 years, then reply to a callout tweet about it with the 'clenched teeth oooooh' reaction gif"
Quagmire, looking at Peter: "So Peter, you're saying these guys are upset at your review"
Peter: "Yeah, they say it's not a real review and it's just me bragging about me having my own game"
Joe: "Well Beter, if I were you, I'd update it to include a lengthy manifesto about the idiosyncrasies between our show's cutaway format and the sequential structure of game
Quagmire: "Or you could be like me and name all the characters you wanna bang!"
Peter, excited: "Hey, that's a great idea!"
Joe: "Which idea, the uhh, my idea or the other one"
Peter, now straight-faced: "The other one"
Joe, looking downwards: .
sweeping shot of guadelahara
cut to stewie and brian eating granola and sitting on a rock
Stewie, chewing: "This is the B-plot where we try to make you forget we don't have any other gags about gamer culture"
Brian, also chewing: "I read yaoi during the cutaways"
Two more plot-threads occur over the next 15 minutes, entirely unrelated to the first.
Persona 4 Golden
2020
Awesome game, and I think i enjoyed it slightly more than P5. Cant wait to dive into P3 now!
Only thing about these games is the INSANE amount of dialogue, like my first playthrough was over 100 hours, second playthrough i fast forwarded all the dialogue and it cut about 50-60 hours off the game time. Thats crazy! Thats like 5 seasons of televisions worth of dialogue and cut scenes. And lets not pretend the dialogue is like super clever or funny, a lot of it is straight filler.
Also, the dungeons are pretty boring and grindy. But it didn't really matter because the actual gameplay is so amazingly fun and addictive.
Only thing about these games is the INSANE amount of dialogue, like my first playthrough was over 100 hours, second playthrough i fast forwarded all the dialogue and it cut about 50-60 hours off the game time. Thats crazy! Thats like 5 seasons of televisions worth of dialogue and cut scenes. And lets not pretend the dialogue is like super clever or funny, a lot of it is straight filler.
Also, the dungeons are pretty boring and grindy. But it didn't really matter because the actual gameplay is so amazingly fun and addictive.
Okay, now THIS game i am 100% an apologist for. this game rocks. I love the combat style and pace of it, battles with enemies feel like duels to the death, ESPECIALLY the final boss. really great combat for nes. I also think the pacing is pretty alright, that includes death mountain - that is, if youre prepared for it mentally.
i think it is not for everyone for sure, its more like a castlevania game or a precision combat game than literally any zelda game, but its cool. good graphics for nes too. and neat soundtrack! the sounds used are a little grating but that was a common thing back then, even for koji kondo (who did not do the music to this one)
i think it is not for everyone for sure, its more like a castlevania game or a precision combat game than literally any zelda game, but its cool. good graphics for nes too. and neat soundtrack! the sounds used are a little grating but that was a common thing back then, even for koji kondo (who did not do the music to this one)
Ms. Pac-Man
1991
Prologue
--------
Two masked figures face off in a field over a full moon. They leap and clash
swords, and the man in red falls.
Ryu (voiceover): With whom did father have a duel and lose? For what reason
did he fight and die? Even I don't know for sure.
Fadeout to Ryu holding a letter.
Ryu (voiceover): The day after he disappeared, in father's room I found a
letter addressed to me. It said, "Ryu, I am on my way to a life or death duel.
If it is destiny that I not return, you are to take the Dragon sword of the
Hayabusa family and go to America and see the archaeologist, Walter Smith.
Ryu, be always brave..."
Cut to Ryu in mask.
Ryu: I will get my revenge!
Act I
-----
After defeating the monster, Ryu stands in the bar.
Ryu: Who are they...they seem to be following me...(glances over) Who's
there? (Scroll to girl in background) Just a girl. Get out of here!
Cut to girl.
Girl: I will, but first... (pulls a gun)
Ryu: What the...?
Cut to Ryu with shocked expression. A gunshot rings out, fade to gray, then
black.
View of a prison door.
Ryu: Ow...Where...Where am I?
Silhouette appears in doorway.
Girl: I see the anesthetic is wearing off.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Who are you?!
Cut to girl inside door.
Girl: Shhh. Don't make so much noise...I've got a favor to ask of you.
Cut to view of statue.
Girl: Here. Take this and escape.
Ryu: What is this...this statue?
Cut to closeup of girl.
Girl: There's no time to explain. Hurry.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Hey, wait. Who are you? Didn't you try to kill me?
Cut to girl.
Girl: Someone's coming. Be careful.
Fade to black.
Act II
------
Ryu running.
Ryu: What is this bizarre statue anyway? And who was
that woman?
Ryu (voiceover): As I grew more and more suspicious, I went off to look for
that supposed acquaintance of my father's, Mr. Smith.
Act III
-------
Cut to man.
Man: Who is it?
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: You must be Walter Smith. The name's Ryu, Ryu Hayabusa.
Cut to Smith.
Smith: Who? That sword...of course. You must be Ken Hayabusa's son.
Ryu: In his last letter, my father told me I should see you.
Smith: Last letter? I see...so it is already begun.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Cut to Smith.
Smith: Ken and I were on an expedition to some old
Amazon ruins. We found a strange statue and a stone
tablet. On the tablet, it said...
Ryu: Wait a minute. You mean to tell that statue...
Cut to view of statue.
Smith: Yes, precisely. I thought it had been stolen. That demon statue
possesses enough evil power to destroy an entire nation. The demon came to
this earth and caused many deaths. But then SHINOBI appeared to stop the
demon.
Cut to view of dragon sword.
Smith: SHINOBI borrowed the strength of the dragon and countered each of the
demon's spells and thus was able to overcome it.
Cut to Smith.
Smith: Yet, though it was defeated, the demon was not dead. So SHINOBI
confined the evil power of the demon in two status of "LIGHT" and "SHADOW".
Cut to view of two statues.
Smith: ...And the body of the demon was confined in a temple. This one must be
the "SHADOW" statue. Therefore...
Green figure runs up, takes statue, and leaps to roof.
Intruder: And now I've got it. Bye, friend!
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: What the...?
Cut to Smith.
Smith: After him, Ryu!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retrieving the statue, Ryu runs back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu (voiceover): After getting back the demon statue,
I felt a strange premonition and hurried back.
Cut to Ryu, flashing screen.
Ryu: Dr. Smith!!
Cut to Smith bleeding in a chair with Ryu holding him up.
Smith: Ryu...the "LIGHT" demon statue...was taken...
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: The "LIGHT" statue?
Cut to Smith/Ryu.
Smith: Yes, your father and I...we each kept one of the statues...just in case.
So that the two statues would never become one. The demon's been asleep for
700 years...and now it's starting to wake up...whatever we do...we've got to
stop it. Got to get it back...there's no choice...you've got to become the
Ninja Dragon...
Ryu: Dr. Smith! Dr. Smith!
Ryu turns around.
Ryu: ...
Cut to three men, two with guns.
Men: Come with us.
Act IV
------
View of man in chair, dim lighting.
Man: Welcome, Ryu Hayabusa. Sorry if I startled you.
Lights go bright.
Man: We are from the CIA Special Auxiliary unit. My name's Foster.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Cut to Foster.
Foster: Getting right to the point...
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Wait. I want to know why you killed Smith.
Cut to Foster.
Foster: We didn't kill him. But we'll fill you in on what we know.
Cut to Ryu.
Cut to Foster with a map of South America behind him.
Foster: In the upper reaches of the Amazon, some ancient ruins were discovered.
It seems the temple was built more than 2000 years ago. The discoverer was
Dr. Smith, who studied the ruins for some time. But one day, he suddenly
sealed off the ruins. And ever since then no one has gone close.
Map is replaced by picture of a purple-outfitted figure.
Foster: Later, however, a man moved in and took over the ruins. His name is
Guardia de mieux. He calls himself the Jaquio. According to our records, it
seems that the temple is not where gods are worshipped but was built to
imprison the body of the demon.
Picture is replaced by the image of the shadow statue.
Foster: Therefore, evil spirits are supposed to be held in the statue you
have. Dr. Smith probably already knew that. He was probably killed by someone
working for the Jaquio.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Cut to Foster.
Foster: When a black moon shines, Light and Dark break apart, the King of
Darkness howls. These were the last words written on the stone tablet. If
someone brings the demon back to life, he will gain incredible power...enough
to control the entire world.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: So you know about that?
Foster: The woman who shot you in the bar was one of our agents.
Cut to Foster.
Foster: They are after you. Use this and go to their
headquarters. Get the demon statue back from them. Of course, you will be paid
for the work.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: If I say no?
Cut to Foster, lights dimmed.
Foster: You know the answer to that.
Cut to shot of helicopter flying over a jungle. A figure leaps from the plane.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon scaling the cliff, Ryu looks at the massive
temple in the distance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After defeating the gargoyles, Ryu encounters the Jaquio.
Jaquio: You have come a long way to bring me the demon statue. Now give it to
me.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: No!
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Do you know what you're saying?
Ryu: What?!
Cut to monster holding knife to girl's throat.
Girl: Ryu!
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: You...you coward.
Cut to girl.
Girl: No, don't give it to him.
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Now, put down the demon statue on the floor, and back up.
Cut to view of Ryu kneeling with statue beside him.
Jaquio: Nice work. I guess this is goodbye.
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Have a nice day.
Cut to Ryu. Ryu falls in pit.
Cut to girl.
Jaquio: Ah...take the girl away. She is going to be a sacrifice.
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Ha, ha, ha...it's mine. Tonight is the night of rebirth which comes
only once every 700 years. This world will soon be mine. Ha, ha, ha...
Cut to closeup of Jaquio.
Jaquio: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha....
Fade to black.
Act V
-----
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon scaling back to the top of the tower, Ryu
encounters a masked figure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: I am Malth. You will never get past me.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Then I must defeat you!
Cut to Malth.
Malth: You are as bold as your father. But he is a much better swordsman.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: You know my father?
Cut to Malth.
Malth: Come and fight, young Hayabusa!
After defeating Malth, Ryu looms over his fallen
form.
Ryu: You killed my father.
Malth: Killed? It is true that we fought. But your father is alive.
Ryu: Liar!
Malth: No, it is not a lie. If you proceed further, you will see him. But it
will be the last thing you see.
Cut to an angry Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Act VI
------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After advancing through the temple, Ryu stands in a
darkened room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jaquio: Ryu, you deserve praise for making it this
far...
Ryu turns around.
Ryu: Where are you, show yourself!
Jaquio: ...but even you cannot defeat "the masked devil."
Cut to shot of masked man.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: No one can beat me.
Jaquio: Even...your father?
Stunned look crosses Ryu's face.
Ryu: What?!
Cut to black-and-white flashback of opening duel.
Jaquio: Your father was not killed. He has been turned into "the masked devil."
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: No!
Jaquio: It will be entertaining to watch father and son fight to the death.
Cut to Ryu facing left.
Ryu: Wake up, Father!
Cut to Masked Devil.
Jaquio: No use. He thinks only of killing you.
Cut to Ryu, panning shot.
Ryu: So this was my destiny. Malth was telling the truth. What shall I do?
I've got to think clearly. Father's eyes...they show he is controlled like a
puppet. If I break the control...
Cut to panning shot of wall.
Ryu: But what is controlling him?
Camera jerks back to crystal orb.
Ryu: That's it!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After breaking the control, Ryu reunites with his father.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu: Father!
Ken: ...Where am I...? Ryu...are you Ryu?
Ryu: Yes, Father.
Cut to fading shot of the Jaquio.
Ken: Argh! He's awake!
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: The Jaquio!
Cut to close-up of Jaquio.
Jaquio: You both will die!
Jaquio fires an orb at Ryu.
Ken: Watch out!
Ken leaps in front of Ryu, taking the blow.
Ken: Ugh...!!!!
Ryu: Father...
Cut to Ryu holding his father.
Ken: Ryu...you've got to...get them for me.
Ryu: Father!
Cut to Ryu turning and jumping to a close-up.
Ryu: Your day has come, Jaquio!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu defeats second form of Jaquio.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to girl.
Girl: Ryu!
Cut to Ryu.
Girl: Ryu!
Ryu: Thank God you're safe!
Cut to Ryu holding Ken.
Ryu: Let's go, father. Let's get out of this temple.
Ken: Ryu, wait. Before we do, the demon statues...we've got to throw them from
the temple while we've still got time. Before the "black moon" shines.
Cut to girl.
Girl: Ryu, what's that?
Cut to shot of clouds moving across the moon.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Is it a lunar eclipse?! That must be it. That's what the "black moon"
meant...Oh, no! The demon statue!
Cut to shot of the moon getting completely eclipsed, and the ground shakes
while the two statues start to come together.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After defeating the final evil, Ryu approaches his father.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu: Wake up father, wake up.
Ken: Ryu...I haven't got much longer...This temple is about to break apart.
Take that woman and escape.
Ryu: What are you saying, father? I can't just leave you!
Ken: Ryu, you are a man now. My destiny is tied to the demon statue. Ryu,
good luck...
Cut to a distraught Ryu.
Ryu: Father, father...!!!
Fade to black.
Ryu: Father!!!
The temple collapses. Pan to Ryu and the girl standing, viewing the collapse.
Cut to girl and Ryu.
Girl: Ryu...
Beeping noise. Cut to girl talking into mouthpiece.
Girl: This is Sea Swallow...
Cut to view of mouthpiece.
Foster: This is Foster. We detected the explosion from the satellite. Job well
done. You are to kill Ryu Hayabusa.
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Girl: What? Kill Ryu?
Foster: That's right. Then you are to steal the demon statues.
Cut to unmasked Ryu.
Ryu: So this was your plan all along...I'll get you for this, Foster!
Cut to view of mouthpiece.
Foster: Ryu, you...
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: I get two kinds of payment. The first I have already received.
The second...is you, Foster!
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Cut to overhead view.
Foster: Ryu...wait...
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Girl: Ryu, what is the payment you have already received?
Ryu: She's right in front of me.
The girl smiles, and the camera pans to show a lengthy kiss between the two.
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Ryu: I don't even know your name.
Girl: Irene, Irene Lew.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Well, Irene. Look, the sun is rising. Everything is so bright now. The
darkness is finally over.
The camera shows Ryu and Irene standing on a rock watching the sun rise.
ROLL CREDITS
THE END
--------
Two masked figures face off in a field over a full moon. They leap and clash
swords, and the man in red falls.
Ryu (voiceover): With whom did father have a duel and lose? For what reason
did he fight and die? Even I don't know for sure.
Fadeout to Ryu holding a letter.
Ryu (voiceover): The day after he disappeared, in father's room I found a
letter addressed to me. It said, "Ryu, I am on my way to a life or death duel.
If it is destiny that I not return, you are to take the Dragon sword of the
Hayabusa family and go to America and see the archaeologist, Walter Smith.
Ryu, be always brave..."
Cut to Ryu in mask.
Ryu: I will get my revenge!
Act I
-----
After defeating the monster, Ryu stands in the bar.
Ryu: Who are they...they seem to be following me...(glances over) Who's
there? (Scroll to girl in background) Just a girl. Get out of here!
Cut to girl.
Girl: I will, but first... (pulls a gun)
Ryu: What the...?
Cut to Ryu with shocked expression. A gunshot rings out, fade to gray, then
black.
View of a prison door.
Ryu: Ow...Where...Where am I?
Silhouette appears in doorway.
Girl: I see the anesthetic is wearing off.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Who are you?!
Cut to girl inside door.
Girl: Shhh. Don't make so much noise...I've got a favor to ask of you.
Cut to view of statue.
Girl: Here. Take this and escape.
Ryu: What is this...this statue?
Cut to closeup of girl.
Girl: There's no time to explain. Hurry.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Hey, wait. Who are you? Didn't you try to kill me?
Cut to girl.
Girl: Someone's coming. Be careful.
Fade to black.
Act II
------
Ryu running.
Ryu: What is this bizarre statue anyway? And who was
that woman?
Ryu (voiceover): As I grew more and more suspicious, I went off to look for
that supposed acquaintance of my father's, Mr. Smith.
Act III
-------
Cut to man.
Man: Who is it?
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: You must be Walter Smith. The name's Ryu, Ryu Hayabusa.
Cut to Smith.
Smith: Who? That sword...of course. You must be Ken Hayabusa's son.
Ryu: In his last letter, my father told me I should see you.
Smith: Last letter? I see...so it is already begun.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Cut to Smith.
Smith: Ken and I were on an expedition to some old
Amazon ruins. We found a strange statue and a stone
tablet. On the tablet, it said...
Ryu: Wait a minute. You mean to tell that statue...
Cut to view of statue.
Smith: Yes, precisely. I thought it had been stolen. That demon statue
possesses enough evil power to destroy an entire nation. The demon came to
this earth and caused many deaths. But then SHINOBI appeared to stop the
demon.
Cut to view of dragon sword.
Smith: SHINOBI borrowed the strength of the dragon and countered each of the
demon's spells and thus was able to overcome it.
Cut to Smith.
Smith: Yet, though it was defeated, the demon was not dead. So SHINOBI
confined the evil power of the demon in two status of "LIGHT" and "SHADOW".
Cut to view of two statues.
Smith: ...And the body of the demon was confined in a temple. This one must be
the "SHADOW" statue. Therefore...
Green figure runs up, takes statue, and leaps to roof.
Intruder: And now I've got it. Bye, friend!
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: What the...?
Cut to Smith.
Smith: After him, Ryu!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retrieving the statue, Ryu runs back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu (voiceover): After getting back the demon statue,
I felt a strange premonition and hurried back.
Cut to Ryu, flashing screen.
Ryu: Dr. Smith!!
Cut to Smith bleeding in a chair with Ryu holding him up.
Smith: Ryu...the "LIGHT" demon statue...was taken...
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: The "LIGHT" statue?
Cut to Smith/Ryu.
Smith: Yes, your father and I...we each kept one of the statues...just in case.
So that the two statues would never become one. The demon's been asleep for
700 years...and now it's starting to wake up...whatever we do...we've got to
stop it. Got to get it back...there's no choice...you've got to become the
Ninja Dragon...
Ryu: Dr. Smith! Dr. Smith!
Ryu turns around.
Ryu: ...
Cut to three men, two with guns.
Men: Come with us.
Act IV
------
View of man in chair, dim lighting.
Man: Welcome, Ryu Hayabusa. Sorry if I startled you.
Lights go bright.
Man: We are from the CIA Special Auxiliary unit. My name's Foster.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Cut to Foster.
Foster: Getting right to the point...
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Wait. I want to know why you killed Smith.
Cut to Foster.
Foster: We didn't kill him. But we'll fill you in on what we know.
Cut to Ryu.
Cut to Foster with a map of South America behind him.
Foster: In the upper reaches of the Amazon, some ancient ruins were discovered.
It seems the temple was built more than 2000 years ago. The discoverer was
Dr. Smith, who studied the ruins for some time. But one day, he suddenly
sealed off the ruins. And ever since then no one has gone close.
Map is replaced by picture of a purple-outfitted figure.
Foster: Later, however, a man moved in and took over the ruins. His name is
Guardia de mieux. He calls himself the Jaquio. According to our records, it
seems that the temple is not where gods are worshipped but was built to
imprison the body of the demon.
Picture is replaced by the image of the shadow statue.
Foster: Therefore, evil spirits are supposed to be held in the statue you
have. Dr. Smith probably already knew that. He was probably killed by someone
working for the Jaquio.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Cut to Foster.
Foster: When a black moon shines, Light and Dark break apart, the King of
Darkness howls. These were the last words written on the stone tablet. If
someone brings the demon back to life, he will gain incredible power...enough
to control the entire world.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: So you know about that?
Foster: The woman who shot you in the bar was one of our agents.
Cut to Foster.
Foster: They are after you. Use this and go to their
headquarters. Get the demon statue back from them. Of course, you will be paid
for the work.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: If I say no?
Cut to Foster, lights dimmed.
Foster: You know the answer to that.
Cut to shot of helicopter flying over a jungle. A figure leaps from the plane.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon scaling the cliff, Ryu looks at the massive
temple in the distance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After defeating the gargoyles, Ryu encounters the Jaquio.
Jaquio: You have come a long way to bring me the demon statue. Now give it to
me.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: No!
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Do you know what you're saying?
Ryu: What?!
Cut to monster holding knife to girl's throat.
Girl: Ryu!
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: You...you coward.
Cut to girl.
Girl: No, don't give it to him.
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Now, put down the demon statue on the floor, and back up.
Cut to view of Ryu kneeling with statue beside him.
Jaquio: Nice work. I guess this is goodbye.
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Have a nice day.
Cut to Ryu. Ryu falls in pit.
Cut to girl.
Jaquio: Ah...take the girl away. She is going to be a sacrifice.
Cut to Jaquio.
Jaquio: Ha, ha, ha...it's mine. Tonight is the night of rebirth which comes
only once every 700 years. This world will soon be mine. Ha, ha, ha...
Cut to closeup of Jaquio.
Jaquio: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha....
Fade to black.
Act V
-----
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon scaling back to the top of the tower, Ryu
encounters a masked figure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: I am Malth. You will never get past me.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Then I must defeat you!
Cut to Malth.
Malth: You are as bold as your father. But he is a much better swordsman.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: You know my father?
Cut to Malth.
Malth: Come and fight, young Hayabusa!
After defeating Malth, Ryu looms over his fallen
form.
Ryu: You killed my father.
Malth: Killed? It is true that we fought. But your father is alive.
Ryu: Liar!
Malth: No, it is not a lie. If you proceed further, you will see him. But it
will be the last thing you see.
Cut to an angry Ryu.
Ryu: ...
Act VI
------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After advancing through the temple, Ryu stands in a
darkened room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jaquio: Ryu, you deserve praise for making it this
far...
Ryu turns around.
Ryu: Where are you, show yourself!
Jaquio: ...but even you cannot defeat "the masked devil."
Cut to shot of masked man.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: No one can beat me.
Jaquio: Even...your father?
Stunned look crosses Ryu's face.
Ryu: What?!
Cut to black-and-white flashback of opening duel.
Jaquio: Your father was not killed. He has been turned into "the masked devil."
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: No!
Jaquio: It will be entertaining to watch father and son fight to the death.
Cut to Ryu facing left.
Ryu: Wake up, Father!
Cut to Masked Devil.
Jaquio: No use. He thinks only of killing you.
Cut to Ryu, panning shot.
Ryu: So this was my destiny. Malth was telling the truth. What shall I do?
I've got to think clearly. Father's eyes...they show he is controlled like a
puppet. If I break the control...
Cut to panning shot of wall.
Ryu: But what is controlling him?
Camera jerks back to crystal orb.
Ryu: That's it!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After breaking the control, Ryu reunites with his father.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu: Father!
Ken: ...Where am I...? Ryu...are you Ryu?
Ryu: Yes, Father.
Cut to fading shot of the Jaquio.
Ken: Argh! He's awake!
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: The Jaquio!
Cut to close-up of Jaquio.
Jaquio: You both will die!
Jaquio fires an orb at Ryu.
Ken: Watch out!
Ken leaps in front of Ryu, taking the blow.
Ken: Ugh...!!!!
Ryu: Father...
Cut to Ryu holding his father.
Ken: Ryu...you've got to...get them for me.
Ryu: Father!
Cut to Ryu turning and jumping to a close-up.
Ryu: Your day has come, Jaquio!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu defeats second form of Jaquio.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to girl.
Girl: Ryu!
Cut to Ryu.
Girl: Ryu!
Ryu: Thank God you're safe!
Cut to Ryu holding Ken.
Ryu: Let's go, father. Let's get out of this temple.
Ken: Ryu, wait. Before we do, the demon statues...we've got to throw them from
the temple while we've still got time. Before the "black moon" shines.
Cut to girl.
Girl: Ryu, what's that?
Cut to shot of clouds moving across the moon.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Is it a lunar eclipse?! That must be it. That's what the "black moon"
meant...Oh, no! The demon statue!
Cut to shot of the moon getting completely eclipsed, and the ground shakes
while the two statues start to come together.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After defeating the final evil, Ryu approaches his father.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryu: Wake up father, wake up.
Ken: Ryu...I haven't got much longer...This temple is about to break apart.
Take that woman and escape.
Ryu: What are you saying, father? I can't just leave you!
Ken: Ryu, you are a man now. My destiny is tied to the demon statue. Ryu,
good luck...
Cut to a distraught Ryu.
Ryu: Father, father...!!!
Fade to black.
Ryu: Father!!!
The temple collapses. Pan to Ryu and the girl standing, viewing the collapse.
Cut to girl and Ryu.
Girl: Ryu...
Beeping noise. Cut to girl talking into mouthpiece.
Girl: This is Sea Swallow...
Cut to view of mouthpiece.
Foster: This is Foster. We detected the explosion from the satellite. Job well
done. You are to kill Ryu Hayabusa.
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Girl: What? Kill Ryu?
Foster: That's right. Then you are to steal the demon statues.
Cut to unmasked Ryu.
Ryu: So this was your plan all along...I'll get you for this, Foster!
Cut to view of mouthpiece.
Foster: Ryu, you...
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: I get two kinds of payment. The first I have already received.
The second...is you, Foster!
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Cut to overhead view.
Foster: Ryu...wait...
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Girl: Ryu, what is the payment you have already received?
Ryu: She's right in front of me.
The girl smiles, and the camera pans to show a lengthy kiss between the two.
Cut to Ryu and the girl.
Ryu: I don't even know your name.
Girl: Irene, Irene Lew.
Cut to Ryu.
Ryu: Well, Irene. Look, the sun is rising. Everything is so bright now. The
darkness is finally over.
The camera shows Ryu and Irene standing on a rock watching the sun rise.
ROLL CREDITS
THE END
saying this game aged poorly is really understating it. it's been 2 decades but i cannot believe this game wasn't panned. i'm going to say it now: this game is still fun to watch. the jokes still land, the characters are still mostly in-character (although the game does weirdly focus on relatively unimportant characters like cletus and snake for a lot of the game). it's just the actual gameplay of this that is miserable.
you're given like what, 4 MAYBE 5 different types of missions throughout the span of 50 missions. gameplay gets very repetitive, and the game infamously makes you repeat the same mission 4 times in the final level. not to mention that there's a shitload of filler missions where characters get sidetracked from the plot to fill in a quota (see: missions like "full metal jackass", "bonestorm storm", ". . . and baby makes 8", etc.). and there's only 3 different maps that they make you go through over the span of 7 levels. it's just so. . . monotonous. redundant. recycled. i could forgive all that if the core gameplay of vehicle physics and driving was fun, but good christ are the physics in this game frustrating.
cars handle horribly, and the ones with better handling tend to veer off if you so much as breathe on any obstacle. roads are too narrow and crammed with shit on them, whether it be traffic or pedestrians or random objects. you're going to hit shit because you would have to be doing a TAS run to avoid hitting shit with how zoomed in the camera is and how little maneuverability you get. and then you get hit and run, which means police will be on your ass for seven centuries unless you let them give you a "played the game too much" fine. even when you try to do the races which thankfully exclude traffic + hit and run, you're still going against an aggressive AI that has the advantage both in a better car than you could possibly have by this point + starting with a positional advantage. it's all just so. . . unfun.
i try to look at the positive and go "okay well at least they tried their best and made the most of their assets". but they had a crazy taxi ripoff in road rage to get vehicle physics right, or at least dip their toes in the water with it. and they still got it wrong. it's telling when even the speedrunners, diehards of the game, will outright tell you "yeah this game regularly gives vehicle control glitches that we don't understand" and "avoid using this car it's nearly unusable because the physics don't work when you drive it" (hello canyonero). and if you're going to make vehicle stats such an important thing to consider, make the menuing in vehicle selection more convenient. maybe give the player a way to sort cars by highest [stat]. or hell, give the player a way to compare stats between cars. you throw a shitload of cars at the player and most of them are garbage that just take up menu space or exist to be a cute reference, but on a gameplay level it just clutters the UI. what is the value of giving me 35 cars when i'll charitably use a third of them?
i'm being fairly harsh, but it's because i had a lot of fondness for this game growing up. my original rating before this replay was a 3.5/5.0, and i remembered the gameplay holding up a lot better than this. the fact that my rating isn't lower is a testament to the fact that the music and the IP elevate this beyond just being outright unplayable. beyond that, this game had very little going for it mechanically and proved to be extremely frustrating to play. nearly 20 years removed from this game's release and i know giving a conditional "play this only if" statement is fairly useless. however, if, for whatever reason, you have not played this and you're on the fence, you should only really look into this if you're a huge simpsons fan and somehow haven't already exposed yourself to this. this is a great game to watch someone go through, a terrible one to actually play yourself.
you're given like what, 4 MAYBE 5 different types of missions throughout the span of 50 missions. gameplay gets very repetitive, and the game infamously makes you repeat the same mission 4 times in the final level. not to mention that there's a shitload of filler missions where characters get sidetracked from the plot to fill in a quota (see: missions like "full metal jackass", "bonestorm storm", ". . . and baby makes 8", etc.). and there's only 3 different maps that they make you go through over the span of 7 levels. it's just so. . . monotonous. redundant. recycled. i could forgive all that if the core gameplay of vehicle physics and driving was fun, but good christ are the physics in this game frustrating.
cars handle horribly, and the ones with better handling tend to veer off if you so much as breathe on any obstacle. roads are too narrow and crammed with shit on them, whether it be traffic or pedestrians or random objects. you're going to hit shit because you would have to be doing a TAS run to avoid hitting shit with how zoomed in the camera is and how little maneuverability you get. and then you get hit and run, which means police will be on your ass for seven centuries unless you let them give you a "played the game too much" fine. even when you try to do the races which thankfully exclude traffic + hit and run, you're still going against an aggressive AI that has the advantage both in a better car than you could possibly have by this point + starting with a positional advantage. it's all just so. . . unfun.
i try to look at the positive and go "okay well at least they tried their best and made the most of their assets". but they had a crazy taxi ripoff in road rage to get vehicle physics right, or at least dip their toes in the water with it. and they still got it wrong. it's telling when even the speedrunners, diehards of the game, will outright tell you "yeah this game regularly gives vehicle control glitches that we don't understand" and "avoid using this car it's nearly unusable because the physics don't work when you drive it" (hello canyonero). and if you're going to make vehicle stats such an important thing to consider, make the menuing in vehicle selection more convenient. maybe give the player a way to sort cars by highest [stat]. or hell, give the player a way to compare stats between cars. you throw a shitload of cars at the player and most of them are garbage that just take up menu space or exist to be a cute reference, but on a gameplay level it just clutters the UI. what is the value of giving me 35 cars when i'll charitably use a third of them?
i'm being fairly harsh, but it's because i had a lot of fondness for this game growing up. my original rating before this replay was a 3.5/5.0, and i remembered the gameplay holding up a lot better than this. the fact that my rating isn't lower is a testament to the fact that the music and the IP elevate this beyond just being outright unplayable. beyond that, this game had very little going for it mechanically and proved to be extremely frustrating to play. nearly 20 years removed from this game's release and i know giving a conditional "play this only if" statement is fairly useless. however, if, for whatever reason, you have not played this and you're on the fence, you should only really look into this if you're a huge simpsons fan and somehow haven't already exposed yourself to this. this is a great game to watch someone go through, a terrible one to actually play yourself.
Pokémon Sword
2019
One of the most joyless things I’ve honestly ever played. Virtually every aspect of this game feels either unfinished or out of date. The graphics are embarassing, it would’ve looked behind the times if it came out on the Gamecube. Despite it not looking like it should be very taxing, it somehow experiences frame drops into the teens at points, and the draw distance is pathetic with things popping in and out of existence right in front of you. Combat is the most bare bones, one-dimensional, poorly balanced, shitty, out of date take on turn based combat I’ve ever experienced, just pick the correct element and mindlessly spam the super effective option to win, except you might not even have to do that because the game’s progression is so poorly balanced you’ll be massively overleveled in the first hour, absolutely no thought or effort are required on your part to win. Even the gigantimax enemies, all that’s different is “oh no, I can’t one shot it, I’ll have to two shot it instead.” Most animations in the game range from missing completely to recycled stodgy minimalist gesture lined up (or misaligned) with some basic recycled particle effect, in contrast to the “sheer volume of high quality animations” that were falsely promised, the true unique ones I saw I could count on one hand. The wild areas that were so built up by the marketting are just empty fields, or rather AN empty field, there’s only one of them. On top of that the whole game is so patronizing and handholdy. I thought Pokemon was supposed to be an adventure, yet every time the game seems to be building up something of marginal interest, some character goes “Aw, you just missed it. Well don’t worry kiddies, the adults will take care of this!” while you’re left to dick around with some Hot Topic wearing weirdos obsessed with a 12 year old girl, then bully your best friend into giving up his aspirations. The gym puzzles were a joke, the cutscenes are shot like they’re meant to be voiced but the characters just sit there uncannily silent, the game is pathetic short for an RPG, I beat the story in around 13-14 hours. The only thing I didn’t touch was the multiplayer component, because it demands an insubordinate amount of grinding that I just was not willing to deal with. I have two friends who tell me it’s fine once you get there, but has a one sided rich-get-richer kind of balance with the EV level, and since the bulk of the real competitive scene plays on pc emulators, most of your opponents will be just kids who don’t understand the game, and the occasional neckbeard who dumps hundreds of hours thinking he’s some top shit competitive player even though he’s basically just dunking on children who stand no chance of fighting back.
It’s funny too because I played through the original Final Fantasy VII for the first time shortly before I played this. I remember being bewildered that this modern console entry in THE biggest franchise of all time, from probably THE most well funded game studio in the world couldn’t even meet the standard of a PS1 game from 25 years ago. It should be an industry leader, but instead it’s a cynical testament to how you don’t even have to try so long as you’ve got a nostalgic brand name to hide behind. This whole experience was insulting to my intelligence, what a pathetic excuse for a video game.
It’s funny too because I played through the original Final Fantasy VII for the first time shortly before I played this. I remember being bewildered that this modern console entry in THE biggest franchise of all time, from probably THE most well funded game studio in the world couldn’t even meet the standard of a PS1 game from 25 years ago. It should be an industry leader, but instead it’s a cynical testament to how you don’t even have to try so long as you’ve got a nostalgic brand name to hide behind. This whole experience was insulting to my intelligence, what a pathetic excuse for a video game.
Dragon Ball: Advanced Adventure is one of the most beautiful games from the Game Advance. Nobody can say otherwise.
The gameplay is near perfect. It’s really enjoyable fight against regular enemies or bosses.
Something I also have to say is: this game is really hard. The stages are huge and if you die, you’ll have to go back to a certain point and lost almost everything you did. It’s a classic ‘00 game and today I think it’s almost impossible to finish it without save state.
The story is the same one of the Dragon Ball anime. You’ll see the fist steps of Goku when he was I child.
Dragon Ball: Advanced Adventure is a really fun game but really hard in its original hardware. I say that you have to give it a chance only if you are able to play it on a emulator.
The gameplay is near perfect. It’s really enjoyable fight against regular enemies or bosses.
Something I also have to say is: this game is really hard. The stages are huge and if you die, you’ll have to go back to a certain point and lost almost everything you did. It’s a classic ‘00 game and today I think it’s almost impossible to finish it without save state.
The story is the same one of the Dragon Ball anime. You’ll see the fist steps of Goku when he was I child.
Dragon Ball: Advanced Adventure is a really fun game but really hard in its original hardware. I say that you have to give it a chance only if you are able to play it on a emulator.
Fantastic Mario game, probably my favorite classic Mario game. It flipped everything I'm used to in this franchise on its head and I loved it.
