ELDEN RING IS THE FIRST MASTERPIECE THAT IS EXTREMELY NOT A MASTERPIECE

When I consider what a "masterpiece" is, I think of something that keeps me amazed, inspired, and on the edge of my seat for the ENTIRE duration of the game. Much like the first Christmas I can remember in which I received an official Japanese copy of Yoko Shimomura's incredible original soundtrack for Kingdom Hearts. I was nine. My mother had "literally no idea what she had just bought me".

Instead what I got with Elden Ring was my first memory of a birthday party. It was at Chuck E. Cheese. I remember the lights dancing wildly, inviting me to an endless arcade of good times and P I Z Z A. However, I realized about halfway through that the pizza was stale, the games smelled like a wet dog on a hot summer's day, and the animatronics would play the same song and dance...over. And over.

Elden Ring's incredible, dynamic world begins in Limgrave and ends after Liurnia. The first two areas in the game. Interesting NPC quests no longer exist outside of that, minus the Volcano Manor.

The developer's words, expressed through gameplay, tell the player that they can play "however they want". And yet, most people will only end up using one of two broken builds for the entire last third of the game.

Elden Ring's boss design philosophy irrritated me to no end. I am a FromSoft veteran. I never died to the Orphan of Koz more than twenty times. You could say that I am "pretty good at these video games". I died 20 or more times to nearly EVERY main story boss. Their attacks are cheaper than store brand spaghetti.

Massive delay attacks. Perfect roll-tracking. Infuriating hit-boxes. Relentless aggression. Multiple AoE's, some of which you can almost literally not dodge. The bosses give you few windows to attack, let alone heal. To summarize: the bosses were not designed to be a fun but brutal challenge. They were designed to "ruin your day".

And so in summary, as is the case with every FromSoft game, the first third is an immeasurable delight. The second third is an expansion of that euphoric wonder. And the final third is an unfinished and abysmal tragedy of wasted potential.

Elden RING is a masterpiece. Until it isn't.

MONSTER HUNTER RISE IS MONSTER HUNTER WORLD LITE, BUT ALSO KIND OF BETTER EDITION

The developers of this game, much like FromSoftware, have mastered the art of third person action combat mechanics. This IS, without a doubt, a Monster Hunter "game".

The main hub is charming, if not my preferred aesthetic. The new handlers are a pair of creepy twins. That's fine. The addition of Palamutes is perfection.

The wire bugs are complicated. On one hand they give us entire new movesets for every weapon. On the other hand, they undermine the utility of the Insect Glaive. They ability to mount monsters is trivially easy. And I'm not too sure about the whole "Kaiju" fight machanic. (EDIT: After playing more of this game, I actually really enjoy this mechanic.)

The maps are easily a net negative from 'World'. They are lifeless in comparison. But I did appreciate the verticality of them. Especially while riding my "very good" palamute. (EDIT 2: I now respect the number of secrets and hidden areas in these maps, although they still feel more "arcade-y".)

As with any Monster Hunter game, it is easily five stars when playing with friends. So this review is judged purely off of my experience with the singleplayer, which mercifully let's you finish the main quest and get to the fun endgame stuff within 14 or so hours. This was incredibly generous of them given that Monster Hunter stories are admittedly not very interesting whatsoever.

In summary, the eating theme AKA, the Dango Song in Monster Hunter Rise is something that made me long for the days of Chef's cooking from World. But I'll be god-damned if it isn't delightfully etched into my brain with it's whimsical earnestness.

DEATHLOOP IS A SIMULATION OF ITSELF

Deathloop gets massive points for style. The music, art design, and UI are top notch. Up there with games like Persona 5 or Hades.

The gameplay is punchy and fun, especially on a PS5 Dual Sense controller. The looping, rogue-like gameplay is very engaging and novel. I also really like the way they handled PVP (although sometimes it was a very one-sided affair).

The problem is: once you've looped a handful of times, it really starts to lose all of its intrigue and incentives for exploration. I usually 100% (or at least close to 100%) most games I play. But I couldn't bring myself to do it with Deathloop because I knew the rewards would be subpar compared to what I was getting by following the main story.

Gameplay also starts to lose it's appeal because of the limit they put on your powers. You can only choose 2 powers (out of 6 or so) to progress through a level, which can somewhat feel limiting for the playstyle you might want to go for.

Finally, the game suffers from the same problem that all Arkane games have, which is abrupt and unsatisfying endings. The only Arkane ending that has ever felt satisfying to me was Prey 2017.

All in all, it's still an incredible game worth playing, it just becomes a little tedious towards your final runs.

HYPNOSPACE OUTLAW IS MORE CYBERPUNK THAN CYBERPUNK 2077

(HEBI CERTIFIED 10 OUT OF 5)

Hypnospace Outlaw is a wonderful interactve experience. The 'game' part of it may not be as robust as its fellow spiritual companions 'Papers Please' and 'Return of the Obra Dinn'. However, it IS the first game to ever make me feel like a real life hacker.

The elevator pitch is simple: "What if the player is a cyber-enforcer on a dumb, cyberpunk-ian sleep social media network." You start with a strong concept and branch out from there. Whereas games like Cyberpunk 2077 say "Let's make a Cyberpunk game with literally EVERYTHING." Those types of projects are going to end up with a watered-down and broken game, because NO amount of development time can ever achieve that level of "ambition".

The narrative. The game's story-telling exists within the hilariously defunct cyber-world of Hypnospace (a social media website that fictionally exists in 1999 and is useable while you S L E E P). It is robust and offers a buffet of fun characters and world-building that you are only involved with by viewing each user's profile page (think an even jank-ier version of MySpace). It's clever. It's quite funny. And it is also heart-breaking.

Hypnospace Outlaw is art, and it is FUN art. Coolpunk 4ever bwl #fre3zerdidnothingwrong

BLOODBORNE BLEEDS FUN

(HEBI CERTIFIED 10 OUT OF 5)

There was a bit of whiplash I experienced playing Bloodborne closely after Elden Ring. The whole time I was thinking, "Man, these bosses are a lot more fun, and tailor-made for the combat system". Then I got to the Big Shark Boys in the DLC. I have come to the conclusion that the Big Shark Boys are, essentially all of Elden Ring's boss design in one stroke-inducing enemy. And everyone hates the Big Shark Boys.

Back on topic: Bloodborne. It's bloody. It has an elegantly and masterfully crafted rally system, which allows you to regain health by attacking the enemy quickly after you've been hit yourself. It has names such as LADY MARIA OF THE ASTRAL CLOCKTOWER, LUDWIG THE HOLY BLADE, and FATHER GASCOIGNE. It "also" has trick weapons.

Quick note about trick weapons: they're incredible. Much like Kratos' Leviathan Axe in 2018's God of War, tricking your weapon between modes by pressing L1 never gets old. I would press it over and over again while running to boss arenas like a batter doing their compulsive shirt-adjusting ritual before squaring up at the plate.

The art design is divine (although the Nightmare Frontier is one of the most hideous levels in a From Software game). The score is exquisite. The combat is fast, fierce, and visceral (LITERALLY).

The only issues I have with Bloodborne are three:
1) Traveling from a lantern to the Hunter's Dream and back to another location... is really dumb and a waste of everyone's time.
2) Farming for Blood Vials is admittedly not very fun. I would prefer to keep throwing myself at a boss rather than having to take a quick commercial break to Central Yharnam.
3) The Chalice Dungeons are "kind of bad".

All in all, Bloodborne is kind of a big deal in terms of game, level, audio, visual, and enemy design. There aren't many games that do it better. As a good friend friend of mine said, "I'm going to be honest, I bought this PlayStation 4 just so I could play Bloodborne".

CHRONO CROSS IS THE ONLY TIME TRAVEL GAME WHERE YOU DO NOT TRAVEL IN TIME

We need to address something first and foremost. What is the deal with 90s JRPGs and third acts? Chrono Cross suffers the same third act storytelling misstep as Final Fantasy IX, which is tragic because both games have some of my favorite first acts. Both games have a beautiful and whimsical fairy-tale-esque world that they spend time lovingly building from the first moment. Intriguing villains, charming allies, and something I call "just plain magical". All of these wonderful things are abandoned and completely undermined by the end for what feels like "getting crazy with it for the sake of getting crazy with it".

I have to admit something...It may say that I finished the game here but only because YouTube exists. It's not just narrative that suffers in the third act--gameplay becomes a slog as well. I got to what I felt was surely the final boss of the game, only to find out that there was an entire level and set of bosses beyond that. I guess the ultimate point that I'm trying to get at here is that 90s JRPGs suffer from content "padding".

OKAY. With that out of the way, let me tell you the incredible things about this game.

Gameplay is original and exciting. It feels more real-time than the ATB system despite the fact that it is statically turn-based. I also like the elements system. In fact, I think that these gameplay systems may be my favorite among all turn-based RPGs. Being able to do a melee attack multiple times AND falling back to use a spell in the same turn feels really fun and fluid.

Mitsuda's score is transcendental as usual.

The 40+ player characters seemed like a silly gimmick at first but ended up being pretty charming with more hits than misses. I really did enjoy a lot of the fun vignettes.

And for all of it's faults of storytelling in the final act, the story and writing overall are genuinely beautiful, though a bit heavy-handed with the philosophical stuff.

Chrono Cross, I enjoyed you so much and it pained me that I had to finish you on YouTube. I hope one day you can forgive me.

IT TAKES TWO MAKES DIVORCE VERY FUN

It Takes Two is a story-based platformer designed around couch co-op. That alone earns some street cred due to the genre's lackluster catalogue in recent years.

There are two things that can be known from It takes Two: the game was designed by an elite team of artists and programmers, but the story feels like it was written by an AI script generator programmed to potentially understand the human condition.

I'll give it to ya straight--sometimes divorce is something that MUST be done. It was difficult for my brother and I (experiencers of divorce-like events) to believe that the best course of action for our story's protagonists was to "maybe just not get divorced because that would be sad".

Off-brand Pixar hackney-ing aside, the GAME is a delicious and marvelous thing to behold. The number of inspired gimmicks and their many unique platforming, puzzle-solving implementations can be compared with the likes of Super Mario Odyssey (to a *degree).

The visuals are stunning. There was hardly a moment where my brother and I weren't in awe of the gorgeous environments.

On a technical level, It Takes Two may as well be called, It Takes So Many--given the fact that there were never any frame hiccups or noticeable bugs.

Back to "howevers"... it runs a bit long and drags in the second act. There got to be a point where the delight and awe turned to "let's get on with it already". This was mostly a pacing issue with the story, but nonetheless kept it from being a spicy five stars.

It Takes Two taught me nothing. And yet my brother and I, sitting side-by-side on our living room, sectional, pull-out sofa-- inherited a world of wonders and excitement along the way. So no, May, it was not "boooring".

FIRE EMBLEM: THREE HOUSES IS ANIME GAME OF THRONES BUT BETTER

There is so much to say about this game, so I will briefly go into a number of pertinent categories. For clarity, I played every route of the game on maddening. I really like this game. But it has some issues.

BATTLE: Top tier strategy. I love the Fire Emblem formula top to bottom and the team is in fine form here. I love being able to zoom in on the battlefield and look at the grandeur of them in fully rendered 3D. Unit customization is bonkers. You can turn your scrawniest characters into beautiful machines of murder. The biggest downside from previous titles is that the maps themselves are uninspired in comparison--aside from the Crimson Flower route which boasts some of the most tense battles in the series (more on that later).

MONASTERY LIVING: The dev team clearly took some notes from Atlus here. Everything you do at the monastery (gardening, cooking, hanging out with your buds) interweaves into combat in fun and surprising ways. It is basically Fire Emblem Hogwarts and you get to RP as a professor. It rules.

STORY: If you didn't already know, there are three routes in this game (four actually, but Rhea's a narc so why would you ever side with the Church). After playing every route, here are my quick thoughts:

GOLDEN DEER (sad, sad copy/paste): This route is unfortunately a copy/paste of the Church (narc) route. Claude is shafted as a character and the stakes do not feel as high as in the other routes. The final fight rules and is unique at least.

BLUE LIONS (trudging forth): In terms of a classic "Fire Emblem", this is the route that is most familiar. It is also for narcs because you are forced to side with the Church. Dmitiri's arc is quite rushed, but still interesting. Weakest antagonists as you address neither the Church nor TWSitD. It took everything in me to finish.

BLACK EAGLES (this is it chief?): This is easily the best route depending on your viewpoint (something three houses does fairly well). Most compelling villain. Most diverse and intense maps. And it is refreshing to play a Fire Emblem game from a completely different perspective. Some say it feels too short, but I say THANK THE GODDESS. This game becomes a real slog in the last third no matter the route and I for one, was more than willing to trade a sense of finality to the story for a quicker playthrough.

DIFFICULTY: Normal is way easy. Hard is waaay easy. Maddening is the best way to play the game if you're looking for a tactical challenge, but the mode certainly lives up to its namesake too many times. There are chapters and maps that drove me to the brink, and not in a fun way. In fact, I got hard locked in a Blue Lions chapter which forced me to reload a previous save, losing hours of progress. See, the way they add "difficulty" is by juicing enemy stats/abilities and adding double the amount of enemies. It's artificial difficulty at its worst. And I will probably never forgive the dev team for the number of surprise spawns in the middle of combat that I had no way of tactically planning for. Never do this again Intelligent Systems.

All in all, it is an incredible game that needed a little more time in the oven.

Lysithia's Death Spikes alone carry it to five stars, but I simply MUST knock it down a half for not having seasons.

FIRE EMBLEM WARRIORS: THEE HOPES LEAVES YOU WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE

As with my previous review of 'Fire Emblem: Three Houses'. this game is massive and so I will keep my thoughts fairly brief. For clarity, I only played the Golden Deer route on Hard.

GAMEPLAY: The dev team has been really upping their game since Persona 5: Strikers (another surprisingly excellent game). Combat is flashy and exciting. There are so many combos, spells, weapon arts, etc. but you don't have to do much memorizing which is kind of an amazing feat. I am still in awe of their ability to include tactical gameplay in a Dynasty Warriors-type combat experience.

CAMP LIVING: It's not the monastary, but the camp is still a fine experience. There are still activities that affect stats and gameplay. You can "go on dates with characters" which is a really fun addition, mostly because you actually get to have pseudo-conversations with them (unlike tea time in Three Houses). It took me far too long to see the backdrop of camp changes depending on your geographical location, which is really nice. I do wish upgrades to facilities yielded more of a visual reward, but that's a relatively small complaint.

STORY: I'm a little burnt out on Fire Emblem at the moment so I only played the Golden Deer route, but I have some thoughts:

1) I think it was an excellent decision to focus on the war arc. Three Houses tries to do a balancing act and ends up falling kind of flat. Three Hopes, on the other hand, focuses intently on the war...and still falls pretty flat (more on that later). At the very least, the first two-thirds of the story are very compelling.

2) It is really cool to fight the protagonist from Three Houses. I love how intimidating they made them.

3) Like Three Houses, the last third is a slog. I was so done with grind-quests by the end I even missed out on the Dancer class completely (why on earth would you lock this behind a grind-quest).

4) The ending suxxx with Three Exes. The final battle in my route was totally twisted sick...but overall there was no resolution for anything. The war. Your character. Your character from the first game. Just some narration saying "Yeah...so the war didn't end".

Despite it's flaws, it's a fantastic and fun game that I look forward to replaying. I'm really happy that New Game+ is going to allow me to skip a lot of the drudgery, much like Three Houses.

Lysithia's Dark Spikes still one shots bosses, so it could have been 5 stars...but for some reason Edelgard doesn't have Aymr so I simply must stamp it at a solid 4.

I DO NOT HAVE WORDS FOR DISCO ELYSIUM

(HEBI CERTIFIED 10 OUT OF 5)

Disco Elysium is one of the finest cRPG's ever made. There is a good argument that it is THE finest cRPG of all time.

Coming from a clearly competent and talented team of devs from Estonia, I do not have enough time to say all of the words that need to be said about this game.

This game allowed me to play a now-sober, Hunter S. Thompson-esque, communist cop. There are many other clever ways the game allows you to build the perfect cop you want. It's sumptuous.

There are about three critiques I have with the game--replay value doesn't feel as compelling as with other RPGs, skill checks barring content feels a little cheap, and using clothing as a stat booster is a little immersion breaking.

Everything else is divine: narrative, art design, creative skills, characters, audio, atmosphere...

All in all, this game introduced me to Kim Kitsuragi so I have no other choice than to give it the rare TEN OUT OF FIVE.

RESIDENT EVIL 3 IS EVERYTHING IT NEEDED TO BE

It is interesting to me that many critics had, essentially, the same reaction to this game that they did to its progenitor.

Did they change the itneractions with Nemesis? Sure. Mr. X in the 2 Remake filled more of the "can be anywhere at anytime" role that Nemesis did in the original. However, the new Nemesis is also much more intimidating and fills the action sequences with enough monstrously explosive action than the Nemesis of yore.

And, to be frank, that is much to the Threemake's benefit. That's because, while 2 is much more of a survival horror game with undertones of dread--the Threemake is more action-packed horror camp.

How the developers succeded in their vision

-Enemy variety is much higher than 2, giving you more scenarios to use your full arsenal of weapons.
-Raccoon city has never been more beautiful and is a joy to explore.
-Boss fights are thrilling and over-the-top. Spectacle meets gameplay.
-Play length is just right. It's quite refreshing to play a game I can finish in a few sittings as opposed to the current trend of making AAA games open world and requiring 100+ hours for completion.
-Jill is the best.

Where the developers faultered

-Sometiems triggering Nemesis events locks you out of being able to further explore areas. (Not a hard lock, but it sure is a lot more annoying to go out of your way to open a locked door once that meat golem is hunting you down).
-The Carlos sections are a bit of a drag. I also experienced serious audio bugs that made me restart the game, Coincidence? Just let me play as Jill guys.

I once read an internet comment (and by that I mean I've seen this "way to many times") which said: "Man. I really miss the days when video games weren't so political. Like Resident Evil." Ah, yes. Resident Evil. The game which is filled to the brim with critiques of modern pharmeceutical companies and para-militaries. So listen up buck-o, if you are reading this right now, you really just meant, "I miss when video games were campy and extremely fun." And yes, that is exactly what the Resident Evil 3 Remake is.

RESIDENT EVIL 5 IS PRETTY REPREHENSIBLE

It's really a shame.

My friend and I were couch co-oping this game as a sort of "stroll down memory lane" experience.

That game is fairly fun, if not a huge step backward from the divine Resident Evil 4. But the questions happened quickly and subtly. It began with: "Why is Sheva not on the box art?"

It then became: "Wow this story is not nearly as camp-y or fun as RE4. Why does it feel more along the lines of 'Black Hawk Down'.

But it's okay. We were still having fun playing a Resident Evil game together.

Then: "Huh. Are we in the Middle East or another part of Africa? This seems like a careless blend of 'struggling societies' invented by people who didn't really care about the place they were portraying."

RE4's location worked because Spain doesn't have as much of the uh--loaded poitical implications.

Then: "Wait are these really zombies? They kind of just seem like people."

And finally we arrived at the place. You know, THE PLACE. Where you are just sort of killing a bunch of LITERAL spear-chucking stereotypes of African tribal people. They barely exhibit any signs of being zombified.

My friend (playing Chris) sat down his controller. I (playing Sheva) fired a few shots and got overwhelmed in a corner. We both died.

We looked at each other. I spoke up. "I think that might just be how the game ends."

I promptly quit to the PS5 menu and uninstalled the game.

Also, most of the encounters/ bosses were just copy/pasted from RE4, a far superior game in every way.

SILENT HILL IS THE 'SILENT HILL' OF VIDEO GAMES

Gamers knew at the launch of Silent Hill that it was ahead of its time. We still know this.

Silent Hill has flaws. Clunky combat and locomotion. A couple somewhat offensive levels (although mercifully short). And some pretty atrocious voice acting.

Fans of the series will tell you that 2 of the above 3 criticisms actually make the game better. More surreal. More scary.

And they have a point.

The stilted dialogue makes it feel like a fever dream. Something straight out of a David Lynch movie.

The awkward tank controls and goofy ass combat do kind of make the tense moments give you even more of a mind-panic than if everything was fine-tuned.

Whether these choices were intentional or not, the true draw of Silent Hill is its oppressive ambience. Its beautiful and haunting score. Its raw dedication to "scaring the Jesus out of you".

Simply put: the vibes are decadent.

The overall story may be sort of half-baked. The characters may be less than totally developed. But even despite all of that, Lisa's transformation scene WILL haunt you for days. To this day it is one of my favorite moments in a video game. It is one of my favorite moments in an ANYTHING.

Silent Hill is flawed. But it more than makes up for those flaws with artistic vision, experimentation, and execution. It's a rabbit hole that sticks with you. The more you think about it, the more you find.

These elements were perfected with Silent Hill 2. But there's no denying that the first in the series changed the landscape not only for horror games, but for horror as a a genre in ANY medium.

But fuck sewer levels. Devs, please stop with this nonsense of sewer and swamp levels in video games. I promise you it won't detract from the experience.

UNTIL DAWN IS FUN UNTIL DAWN

Let me explain myself. Until Dawn is great the first time around. But when you do finally survive until dawn, a lot of the replay value goes out the window.

Let me say some good things. The game still looks great in 2022. That is saying something. The performances and casting are nice (Peter Stormare is iconic as always). It's still fun with friends who haven't played before. Also, there is an incentive to play multiple times if you want to save everyone.

However, after the first of the two big reveals toward the end of the game, you realize that everything having to do with the cabin is totally harmless--no one there can die or is in any real danger. This cheapens almost all of the scares in the entire first half of the game.

Basically, like TellTale games, once the curtain is lifted and you know how the magic trick works (all choices essentially leading to the same outcome; characters only being in real danger a couple times each, etc.), a lot of the magic is gone.

It's a great couch co-op game. But the choice to have THREE "stand-still-or-die-with-the-wonkiest-mechanic-or-else-the-best-character-dies" moments at the end was a real party foul.

SILENT HILL 3 IS A PRO-CHOICE VIDEOGAME

It is kind of a tall order to not compare Silent Hill 3 to its series siblings. So let's just get it out of the way.

SH3 doesn't come close to the psychological/conceptual depth of Silent Hill 2. And it lacks a Lisa transformation scene which hard carries the first game for me.

So what makes Silent Hill 3 so great? Well it's pretty simple.

Silent Hill 3 is one of the only horror games that focuses on the experiences of women. And I respect that a lot.

Walking home alone at night, being alone on the subway, losing your bodily autonomy. Oh and the plot revolving around a forced demonic pregnancy because of some psycho religious lady. These are just some the themes and horrors that SH3 focuses on.

Honestly, there's a lot I could say here praising how these topics are handled, but I don't think I could say it any better than user eurothug4000 in her YouTube video titled: "The Real Horrors of Silent Hill 3". I came across the video as soon as I finished the game last night. She puts to words everything I had a hunch about while playing. Basically, it's a brilliant analysis that most fans and series essayists overlook.

With that being said, the gameplay fails the brilliant concepts. The gameplay is more frantic and in-your-face than previous entries--but it's a little too much. Most of the enemies lack inspired design (except the closers).

Listen here, dear reader. You know how dogs are the worst enemy in every game? Well, they are the most common enemy you will come up against in Silent Hill 3. It's awful.

I also think the entire first third or so of the game is completely lacking context, especially if this is your first game in the series. There are far too many enemies for the number of items they give you. I don't mind having to dash between rooms because I don't have the ammo to fight--that can be really good horror. I do mind when the enemies are much faster than me because THEY ARE GODDAMN DOGS.

On the other hand, Cheryl rules. She's definitely tied with James as my favorite Silent Hill protagonist. She has personality and relatable reactions to moments and characters, which is oddly not on-brand for most Silent Hill games.

All in all, there is a song in this game titled "Dance With The Night Wind". That's cold as fuck.