Is this what drunk driving feels like? I mean, I've driven while drunk before but I don't remember the experience, given the head trauma and all. I'm gonna assume Nomura is an alcoholic like myself.

This is like multiple DUI Tests I’ve taken.

He doesn’t cheat enough on his shitty wife.

4 stars.

Tifa’s Badonkadonk Honky Tonky Scibbitty Bibbitty Massive Milker Wilker Silker Flibby Flabby Bing Bam Thank You Ma’am Hooty Dooty Fa Footy Scooty Banana Split and a Twist Collect 200 at Go Massive Miraculous Magnificent Magnanimous Plus Sized Supermaxed Hyper Ultra Mega Tits.

Guns, the Post Apocalypse, Open World, Drugs?!

I’ll be damned if it weren’t for it looking like actual Washington DC complete with the homeless, this would be the greatest game ever made. It also doesn’t have gambling.

This is how I got jacked back in the day. Non-Stop Wii Sports Exercise!

Totally didn’t do it to compensate for the fact that my wife left me for another man…. Totally didn’t do that.

The Star Wars prequels were incredibly disappointing as a man who saw the originals as a boy… watching the Jar Jar Binks shit with my son Timmy pissed me off more than a horse getting fucked sideways by a carbon hose, but at least playing this game made it worth it. There’s just so much pew pew, and it even has the hot blue Jedi chick!

Also you get to kill younglings.

The first time I banged my ex-wife was at an arcade back in the 80s. In fact, I was the originator of the term “Playing Donkey Kong”. I was quite into exhibitionism, still am as an older man. There was no greater thrill in life than shoving a joystick up my girlfriends ass in public.

Oh Karen… why did you have to become such a bitch.

It’s like Rambo, but mixed with Predator! So badass, it’ll almost make me want to purchase another AR15 from my local Walmart to use for target practice!

There's just not enough sexy women in bikinis... but there is cool 1980s action hero upgrades from a dragon. Three Stars.

I wish I was rich and could beat the crap out of people all the time, that way I could punch my ex-wife's husband in the dick for stealing her from me. Fucking Daniel, I hate that son of a bitch.

Back when I was a teenager, I used to hunt foxes with my Boy Scout Troop. I got nine months in prison.

I play this to cope with the fact that my parents didn't love me and left with a twisted view on women and parenthood which resulted in my divorce and eventually becoming an alcoholic. At least here I can fuck Jennifer Aniston.