aughhhh
BACKER
2023
the gameplay is pretty great objectively. but the story/art/music/character design/writing/dialogue is such a downgrade from 3h that it makes me feel deeply aware that i'm rapidly hurtling toward the heat death of the universe every second i spend playing it. like, the rest of it is so unequivocally bad that i feel myself growing exponentially dumber the longer i play it. sure, i may become a tactical genius by the endgame, but what's the use when this is all over and i have the mental capacity of a bowl of soup?
depending on who you are and what your needs are, this not a great game to play if you have unresolved relationship trauma; or, alternately, it's a great game to play if you want to feel very very bad and completely unloveable
2015
on the one hand, this game's modding community is one of the best I've ever seen; on the other, i absolutely cannot fathom why this game has the amount of erotica that it does
2019
M A D R I G A L S
OUCH!! THAT HURTS
PLEASE... DON'T KILL ME
OH.... BUT I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE TO... DOO HOO HOOOOO
PLEASE... DON'T KILL ME
OH.... BUT I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE TO... DOO HOO HOOOOO
this is the one where you don't kill hitler. maya remains the most likable persona protagonist, but "let's positive thinking" is a maxim that just could not exist in 2022 and so this game is forever rooted in simpler times. pink handguns akimbo are a serve regardless
1997
lizard dance.avi
2013
it's vanillaware so it's gorgeous, but also the invention of the sorceress created a great karmic imbalance in the universe so until we get an eventual remaster where they introduce a male fanservice character that drags his massive cock behind him like a deceased eel, the damage this game has done will never be healed
child me found a copy of this at a church rummage sale in the late 90s and boy let me tell you i was not prepared to see the bright coral pink skin of the butler and maid's bare asses as they were having full on VGA graphics softcore time. this definitely left a longterm impression on me (gay forever, roberta williams' fault)
2006
this game exists at this weird intersection of "absolutely amazing, groundbreaking narrative" and "borderline unplayable dogshit gameplay" and i don't really know how to quantify that with a numeric score; can i just score it a question mark instead?
if this game did better then the red crayon aristocrats could have been the root for an entire generation of wlw
if this game did better then the red crayon aristocrats could have been the root for an entire generation of wlw
base rise was aggressively mid but this expansion stepped the game's whole pussy up. each weapon feels fun to play, monsters feel challenging with enough variation to keep from feeling samey, and you can turn your dog into a gun.
sure all of the assets are reused from world, but bahari can sit on my face and i'd thank him
sure all of the assets are reused from world, but bahari can sit on my face and i'd thank him
sometimes when polly speaks there is an accompanying audio clip of her saying "CELEBRATION TWERK!!"
and i think that is very good
and i think that is very good
2022
a slow, quiet 15th century mystery rendered in the visual style of illuminated manuscripts of the late middle-ages & early renaissance. it is certainly something special in the games-as-art genre, and therefore is not for everyone.
(in this case: everyone means monster chugging twitch streamer bros with a tier 3 amouranth sub who enthusiastically finger themselves to completion every time they get to watch kratos pull off a kill animation)
(in this case: everyone means monster chugging twitch streamer bros with a tier 3 amouranth sub who enthusiastically finger themselves to completion every time they get to watch kratos pull off a kill animation)
2019
uh, i dunno. hold on, let me check the forecast. temperatures are a balmy 72 degrees, but i'm not seeing anything about rain - oh, but look, we're going to have wisps on friday
(on friday: everyone is burnt to death by wisps)
(on friday: everyone is burnt to death by wisps)
2015
while the rest of this game is fine, this five star review is specifically for the use of the line "understand the palm of my hand, bitch." poetry.