aughhhh
BACKER
2007
the premise of this pulpy, style-over-substance game amounts to something like 'what if quentin tarantino's kill bill was just about some NEET otaku with irritable bowel syndrome'. also has one of those GOAT video game soundtracks you always hear people talking about; i've spent the last fifteen years trying to figure out what the lyrics to pleather for breakfast are- what the fuck is she saying? nobody seems to be able to agree and it keeps me up at night
great for simulating a healthy relationship with a nice boy but i gotta take issue with the game's depiction of wholesome, healthy relationships with your parents, it's a nice thought but it's just not relatable, man
i imagine that the reason more games where the cast is comprised of depressed burnouts just below the poverty line aren't made is because it hits a little too close to home for most of us to really satisfy our need for escapism, but this jrpg lets you summon an adult baby diaper lover fetishist final fantasy style mid-battle, and if your character does well enough running a traditional rice cracker shop you can order an orbital satellite strike on some random fucking guys dancing around in trashbags. so obviously it's great
2019
whether or not this pokemon game is good is inconsequential (it's fine, the open world is a let down but the post game is a lot of fun) but the 4 star rating is exclusively for the overwhelming amount of raihan porn the game has inspired; this leggy ass mf is just spreading it everywhere (and good for him!) great pokemon entry for the modern-era sex positivity movement
2012
hyung tae kim was once cursed by a witch to have every woman he has ever drawn elongate into an anatomically incorrect, rudely cartoonish version of amanda lepore, and that is very sad. i say he's served his time, witch; let the man live
2018
once i read a summary of an academic paper that argued that donut county and katamari damacy were inherently queer games, not because they included any queer content but because the act of consuming/putting things in holes/eating things is an inherently queer act and i think it was that moment that helped me take the leap and begin the process of finding the right therapist for my needs
anyway the game is incredibly mid
anyway the game is incredibly mid
okay we all know it's one of the greatest rpgs of all time, certainly one of the best tactical rpgs, and it taught me more about class stratification than an entire social anthropology course during my junior year; but let's focus on the fact that this gem brought of some of the best bad translations ever, featuring iconic gibberish such as:
innocent: magic sword makes enemy disrespectful and not believe in god
"live, know, become a frog! frog!"
this's the way
and the absolutely timeless
L I T T L E M O N E Y
innocent: magic sword makes enemy disrespectful and not believe in god
"live, know, become a frog! frog!"
this's the way
and the absolutely timeless
L I T T L E M O N E Y
2014
i rub a magic lamp and a genie comes out
genie: what is your wish
me: i wish that everyone who went to the 2019 met gala went back in time and played bayonetta 2 so they could see what actual camp was
genie: that wish is terrible and you should make a better one
does a sick kick flip and fights the genie, who kills me and then i die
genie: what is your wish
me: i wish that everyone who went to the 2019 met gala went back in time and played bayonetta 2 so they could see what actual camp was
genie: that wish is terrible and you should make a better one
does a sick kick flip and fights the genie, who kills me and then i die
addictive and fun, so much so that we all sort of overlook the fact that it's an anime eugenics simulator
2009
welcome to the gun shoe
1998
approaches the stage with 73809 page manifesto on xenogears' impact and its troubled dev cycle and why it is both one of the most interesting, rewarding narratives told in gaming history and one of gaming's most incredible dev journeys, from beginning as what was originally ff7 before being repurposed into xenogears and then being cut in half, and how legal battles have prevented it from ever truly being returned to in the manner it deserves
ahem
screams into microphone, tears running down my face
BROKEN MIRROR A MILLION SHAPES OF LIGHT THE OLD ECHO FADES AWAY BUT JUST YOU AND I CAN FIND THE ANSWER AND THEN WE CAN RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD, RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD
is dragged offstage while vocalizing the guitar solo
ahem
screams into microphone, tears running down my face
BROKEN MIRROR A MILLION SHAPES OF LIGHT THE OLD ECHO FADES AWAY BUT JUST YOU AND I CAN FIND THE ANSWER AND THEN WE CAN RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD, RUN TO THE END OF THE WORLD
is dragged offstage while vocalizing the guitar solo
not a joke: if you go through the game again with the perspective that yuna is somewhere on the spectrum it does a lot to explain heddy buress's voice acting (halting, unsure, distant) and her decision to dress like the sales rack at claire's once x-2 starts (she's exploring her womanhood but in the most easy to understand, ABC accessible kind of way.) this made her a lot more endearing the second time around
is a joke: nothing can or ever will explain tidus's voice acting
is a joke: nothing can or ever will explain tidus's voice acting
2001
vivid memories of waking up at two in the morning to the sounds of "don't worry buddy, don't worry buddy, don't worry buddy" to find my younger sister, feverish and transfixed, in the middle of one of her 15 hour stints of just playing the chao garden minigame
if this were fire emblem: fates and each house leader got their own game, they'd be called
fire emblem: girlboss gatekeep gaslight
fire emblem: they don't know i have daddy issues
fire emblem: himbo hooters
fire emblem: girlboss gatekeep gaslight
fire emblem: they don't know i have daddy issues
fire emblem: himbo hooters
2001
you have a musical duel with a black disco elvis in a bee suit with a diabolical saxophone while charming woodland creatures provide doo wop backing vocals. five stars no notes