i love that this game exists, purely as a vehicle to sucker horny teenage boys into reading about existential philosophy

"hey, wanna try out this really cool action game where you get to play as a really hot tibby robot in a miniskirt, and you can see her A-S-S? also, hey, by the way, have you ever heard of jean paul sartre?"

monster prom, but with less likable characters to choose from. on the flip side, it's way, way hornier than the first game, so i guess that's what they traded most of the likable cast from the first one for?

one time damien rejected me at the end of a playthrough and told me i was stupid and ugly, and it actually hurt my real life feelings a little. fuck that guy, i'm smart and hot!

who says filing for insurance can't be fun and engaging? wait, where are you going?

sometimes i hesitate to call this a game but i'm not really sure what it would be, instead

but it does make my soul hurt really bad (example: junebug's dive bar performance)

it took 132749381 years but ffxii finally got to be a really good game

parade developer 1: "what if we made our porn game really dark and spent a lot of time focusing on each character's trauma and then make sure we don't resolve any of it at all"
parade developer 2: "hm"
parade developer 1: "but also everyone's dick is just fucking immaculate"
parade developer 2: "perfect."

2018

put some respect on my short bi king's name, and then maybe give him a door to his room so the entire entry hall doesn't have to listen to him scream into a pillow every time meg pegs him

just minding my own business and g'raha tia be like "yes, warrior of light, i WOULD love you even if you were a worm"

starts as a soulsborne, ends as a diablo-esque loot pinata (complimentary); the transition happens somewhere around the time you fight the big tibby anime catgirl with a whip made out of some dude's spine while riding a burning wheel made of skeletons
it's good. there is an absolute avalanche of game content.

dopamine: the game
the soundtrack alone is worth the pricetag

the first route: shocking, upsetting, riveting, well-written, revolutionary, touching, heartbreaking, a narrative tour de force

every other route: "aren't gay guys WEIRD? anyway here's all of those usual BL rape and incest tropes we didn't include in the first route, sorry it took us so long to get it to you"

French existentialist Simone de Beauvoir argues in her 1947 book The Ethics of Ambiguity that 'existence precedes essence;' that the personality and the core beliefs of each human individual is defined through their environment and their actions, and that the challenges that allow those personality-shaping events are the ones that truly test the scope of the limits between their limitations and potential, their past against their future, the comfort of familiarity against the fear of the unknown.

"I Was a Teenage Exocolonist" is a quiet meditation on this and other questions asked by de Beauvoir and her fellow existentialists, packaged stealthily in the wrappings of a Solarpunk-themed dating game. Beneath the cotton candy colored environment of Vertumna and the egregiously tumblr-era character designs lies one of the best narrative experiences I've had in years, one that manages to succeed at the challenge of remaining both replayable and emotionally impactful. IWATE introduces the concepts of string theory, mortality, identity, collectivism, and on and on and on as each character you meet lives, grows, dies, lives again, and becomes a different person entirely.

When asked about the passing of her lover, the famed philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, de Beauvoir simply said "His death does not separate us. My death will not bring us together again. That is how things are. It is in itself splendid that we were able to live our lives in harmony for so long.” Vertumna asks you to spend ten years with it before it lets you go, and readily welcomes you back again for the next loop of a cycle that continues on into infinity. But each of those cycles of ten years creates a unique you, and the life you live with its people is truly splendid.

ps: rex is best boy, even with the dumb tattoo, fight me