2023
I have limited experience with text-based games in general, and more than a touch of ADHD, so anything I say about Mémoire 0079 needs to be viewed through that lens. Now I’ll show you how inexperienced I am by attempting to describe this game (no spoilers, I hope):
So, first off it’s a Mech story. Off to a good start. The game plays essentially like a more interactive wikipedia article, with hot-links, music, visual aids, and excerpts from (fictional) interviews, tv, and so on. The general form puts it outside my normal gaming wheelhouse, but I’m open to new experiences, and the retro-computer aesthetic certainly helped ease me in. The game is thankfully also color-coded and generally easy to follow for dumb dumbs like myself who have mashed A to blow through the dialogue in Street Fighter 6’s world tour mode.
So I fought myself a little bit to pay attention and had to shake off the idea that there might be an exam at the end, but don’t let that fool you: I do know how to read and have sometimes even read books. I bery smart. In some ways this is better than a book because not only does it have pictures but music and moments of mandatory pacing. It was worth it.
The story itself is a pretty solid attempt at fictitious events grounded by emotional reality, with plenty of (quite surprisingly) in-depth background information. There was a moment as I entered- I guess you’d call it the game’s second half(?) where you get to learn about the central events from a different angle. This made me audibly go “oooh”. I guess it’s presented up-front but I’d been reading long enough that I had forgotten about the initial menu. There’s also a few moments of levity I didn’t see coming but very much appreciated. The thumbs up/down Siskel & Ebert deal was pretty good, as was a humorous but unfortunately realistic quote by some kind of ‘Director of Marketing.’
Oh, and a quick shoutout to the music, particularly the track that emulated a kitschy television program. It’s high quality and used in just the right quantity. The digital art on display was expectedly helpful for visualization, but was in a style I thought was unique and a bit unorthodox considering the story material. I liked it. Good job everyone.
Anyway this game took more of my time than I guess I’d anticipated, but not in a bad way. Great work! Well, for a game made by backloggders. Needed a grappling hook. 0/10
So, first off it’s a Mech story. Off to a good start. The game plays essentially like a more interactive wikipedia article, with hot-links, music, visual aids, and excerpts from (fictional) interviews, tv, and so on. The general form puts it outside my normal gaming wheelhouse, but I’m open to new experiences, and the retro-computer aesthetic certainly helped ease me in. The game is thankfully also color-coded and generally easy to follow for dumb dumbs like myself who have mashed A to blow through the dialogue in Street Fighter 6’s world tour mode.
So I fought myself a little bit to pay attention and had to shake off the idea that there might be an exam at the end, but don’t let that fool you: I do know how to read and have sometimes even read books. I bery smart. In some ways this is better than a book because not only does it have pictures but music and moments of mandatory pacing. It was worth it.
The story itself is a pretty solid attempt at fictitious events grounded by emotional reality, with plenty of (quite surprisingly) in-depth background information. There was a moment as I entered- I guess you’d call it the game’s second half(?) where you get to learn about the central events from a different angle. This made me audibly go “oooh”. I guess it’s presented up-front but I’d been reading long enough that I had forgotten about the initial menu. There’s also a few moments of levity I didn’t see coming but very much appreciated. The thumbs up/down Siskel & Ebert deal was pretty good, as was a humorous but unfortunately realistic quote by some kind of ‘Director of Marketing.’
Oh, and a quick shoutout to the music, particularly the track that emulated a kitschy television program. It’s high quality and used in just the right quantity. The digital art on display was expectedly helpful for visualization, but was in a style I thought was unique and a bit unorthodox considering the story material. I liked it. Good job everyone.
Anyway this game took more of my time than I guess I’d anticipated, but not in a bad way. Great work! Well, for a game made by backloggders. Needed a grappling hook. 0/10
Conman's Last Hunt
Entry 6
More like Sinister Sucks!
There's some masochistic part of me (non-sexual?) which adores playing through garbage like Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six. It's an awkward side-scroller with a tenuous grasp on the power-set of Spider-Man as well as controls and general level design. I still don't hate it, because it's an unintentionally hilarious little game with a squat Spidey obliterating vagrants, tripping over rats, and stumbling through visually illegible battles with the Sinister Six. Even the music is lovably terrible.
I might be certifiably crazy for this, but I actually thought the simplistic 2600 game was better, especially considering the difference in technological limitations.
Entry 6
More like Sinister Sucks!
There's some masochistic part of me (non-sexual?) which adores playing through garbage like Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six. It's an awkward side-scroller with a tenuous grasp on the power-set of Spider-Man as well as controls and general level design. I still don't hate it, because it's an unintentionally hilarious little game with a squat Spidey obliterating vagrants, tripping over rats, and stumbling through visually illegible battles with the Sinister Six. Even the music is lovably terrible.
I might be certifiably crazy for this, but I actually thought the simplistic 2600 game was better, especially considering the difference in technological limitations.
🚨 New Conmancore game alert 🚨
A mad combination of Tomb Raider, Metroid Prime, Ocarina of Time, Silent Hill, Quake, and Donkey Kong 64. Do you enjoy every single one of those games? Welcome to Deadside. If not, you might want to steer clear of the Shadow Man.
Shadow Man is the voodoo-themed comic-adaptation 3D metroidvania collect-a-thon from hell, dripping with atmosphere and filled with random bullcrap to find and gather up (not nearly as many as DK64 but you do need to return to levels multiple times, even if you don’t want to 100% the game like I did). I got lost a couple times, and I can see some taking issue with its labyrinthine level-design, its wealth of collectibles, its relative lack of enemy variety, and I suppose the all-dark-all-the-time environments, but I thought this game was a constant vibe machine.
I loved exploring and backtracking through the underworld to discover new areas, climbing through the game’s temples and discovering secrets and upgrades. The liveside (real world) levels were especially atmospheric, taking you from sticky Louisiana bayous to even stickier London subways and New York apartments. Each one is inspired by real serial killers like Jack the Ripper or films like Silence of the Lambs, and the game is filled to burst with interesting background details and environmental storytelling.
I’m shocked I had never heard of the game (or comic) before, because it aligns almost perfectly with what I enjoy about my favorite fifth-generation titles. Some of the collectibles are called Dark Souls…
Shadow Man is even bald. Bald, I tell you! Representation win. Truly a Conman certified classic.
A mad combination of Tomb Raider, Metroid Prime, Ocarina of Time, Silent Hill, Quake, and Donkey Kong 64. Do you enjoy every single one of those games? Welcome to Deadside. If not, you might want to steer clear of the Shadow Man.
Shadow Man is the voodoo-themed comic-adaptation 3D metroidvania collect-a-thon from hell, dripping with atmosphere and filled with random bullcrap to find and gather up (not nearly as many as DK64 but you do need to return to levels multiple times, even if you don’t want to 100% the game like I did). I got lost a couple times, and I can see some taking issue with its labyrinthine level-design, its wealth of collectibles, its relative lack of enemy variety, and I suppose the all-dark-all-the-time environments, but I thought this game was a constant vibe machine.
I loved exploring and backtracking through the underworld to discover new areas, climbing through the game’s temples and discovering secrets and upgrades. The liveside (real world) levels were especially atmospheric, taking you from sticky Louisiana bayous to even stickier London subways and New York apartments. Each one is inspired by real serial killers like Jack the Ripper or films like Silence of the Lambs, and the game is filled to burst with interesting background details and environmental storytelling.
I’m shocked I had never heard of the game (or comic) before, because it aligns almost perfectly with what I enjoy about my favorite fifth-generation titles. Some of the collectibles are called Dark Souls…
Shadow Man is even bald. Bald, I tell you! Representation win. Truly a Conman certified classic.
2012
“In that book which is my memory, on the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you, appear the words ‘Here begins a new life.’”
-Starship Voyager Emergency Medical Hologram, 2375 (paraphrased from Dante Alighieri, La Vita Nuova, 1294)
Is Devil May Cry the only game to combine innovative, balls-to-the-wall character action with laborious underwater first-person-shooting and a weak StarFox 3D shmup section? I’d be surprised if it wasn’t. I appreciate them cooking, but they took almost every ingredient off the shelf.
Despite my aforementioned gripes and repeated bosses (Nightmare is not fun to fight,) this is a soulful game if ever there was one: It opens on the hardest cutscene ever and never lets up. The menus are on crack, the combat is intensely satisfying, and the atmosphere is off the charts. The levels are short enough that they don’t overstay their welcome, and the challenge more than makes up for the overall length. It’s even worth a go for the Neil Breen style dialogue.
Where have you been all my life? I’m so in.
-Starship Voyager Emergency Medical Hologram, 2375 (paraphrased from Dante Alighieri, La Vita Nuova, 1294)
Is Devil May Cry the only game to combine innovative, balls-to-the-wall character action with laborious underwater first-person-shooting and a weak StarFox 3D shmup section? I’d be surprised if it wasn’t. I appreciate them cooking, but they took almost every ingredient off the shelf.
Despite my aforementioned gripes and repeated bosses (Nightmare is not fun to fight,) this is a soulful game if ever there was one: It opens on the hardest cutscene ever and never lets up. The menus are on crack, the combat is intensely satisfying, and the atmosphere is off the charts. The levels are short enough that they don’t overstay their welcome, and the challenge more than makes up for the overall length. It’s even worth a go for the Neil Breen style dialogue.
Where have you been all my life? I’m so in.
2021
“It's amazing how, over time, a person's perspective can be altered.”
-William Frederick Durst
I knew next to nothing about Final Fantasy V going in: It’s lighter in tone, it has a “job system”, and it didn’t initially release in the west. VI is the one people talk about.
Coming hot off the heels of the first four entries, I was ready for anything. Final Fantasy V is indeed lighter in tone for the most part, with plenty of jokes and banter, and a surprising amount of down-time with the party.
If this had been my first Final Fantasy game I might have wanted a meatier, darker story, but I also don’t want to put games in a box. A figurative box. Some games come in a box. Final Fantasy V almost certainly came in a box on release. This franchise has displayed a dedication to variety that I think is pretty rare in the industry, and each Final Fantasy is its own beast. This one is a goofy one, and I thought it worked.
The near-constant swapping of party members in past entries wasn’t necessarily a negative, but it was refreshing to play through a game with a highly consistent cast of core characters. The personalities at the center of the story kept me engaged, and I think I’m personally a character-focused player. While the plot definitely has its moments, I feel the smaller beats of levity are where the game shines. The game is luckily filled with them!
“I'm OCD beyond comparison.”
-William Frederick Durst
The job system takes said characters and turns them into first-year college students, swapping disciplines on the fly, encouraging and facilitating a massive amount of experimentation with the gameplay. This exacerbates some experience point issues shared by past entries, but I will say that grinding for specific upgrades is easier to swallow (for me) than just general leveling.
I wanted to rank everything up. I wanted to get everything. I wanted my endgame characters to be the most versatile ever. This came at the cost of the game’s narrative pacing, as I spent way more time fighting random monsters than I did progressing the story. By the end, my team was beastly but my interest in the plot had waned slightly.
But it can’t be overstated just how fun the experimentation with the job system is. Each job is distinct enough to seemingly be viable for the whole game, yet there’s a definite progression as you unlock more and more of them.
“I'm definitely on the incline to a peak.”
-William Frederick Durst
I enjoyed my time with Finally a Fantasy V more than I did with the already solid Final Fantasy IV. I thought IV was better than III. III was better than II. II wasn’t as good as I but the point is, I’m feeling the winds of quality blowing toward Final Fantasy VI. Will it be the series best it is often hailed as, or will I be left yearning for my time with Bartz and the gang?
“I stopped predicting the future a long time ago.”
-William Frederick Durst
-William Frederick Durst
I knew next to nothing about Final Fantasy V going in: It’s lighter in tone, it has a “job system”, and it didn’t initially release in the west. VI is the one people talk about.
Coming hot off the heels of the first four entries, I was ready for anything. Final Fantasy V is indeed lighter in tone for the most part, with plenty of jokes and banter, and a surprising amount of down-time with the party.
If this had been my first Final Fantasy game I might have wanted a meatier, darker story, but I also don’t want to put games in a box. A figurative box. Some games come in a box. Final Fantasy V almost certainly came in a box on release. This franchise has displayed a dedication to variety that I think is pretty rare in the industry, and each Final Fantasy is its own beast. This one is a goofy one, and I thought it worked.
The near-constant swapping of party members in past entries wasn’t necessarily a negative, but it was refreshing to play through a game with a highly consistent cast of core characters. The personalities at the center of the story kept me engaged, and I think I’m personally a character-focused player. While the plot definitely has its moments, I feel the smaller beats of levity are where the game shines. The game is luckily filled with them!
“I'm OCD beyond comparison.”
-William Frederick Durst
The job system takes said characters and turns them into first-year college students, swapping disciplines on the fly, encouraging and facilitating a massive amount of experimentation with the gameplay. This exacerbates some experience point issues shared by past entries, but I will say that grinding for specific upgrades is easier to swallow (for me) than just general leveling.
I wanted to rank everything up. I wanted to get everything. I wanted my endgame characters to be the most versatile ever. This came at the cost of the game’s narrative pacing, as I spent way more time fighting random monsters than I did progressing the story. By the end, my team was beastly but my interest in the plot had waned slightly.
But it can’t be overstated just how fun the experimentation with the job system is. Each job is distinct enough to seemingly be viable for the whole game, yet there’s a definite progression as you unlock more and more of them.
“I'm definitely on the incline to a peak.”
-William Frederick Durst
I enjoyed my time with Finally a Fantasy V more than I did with the already solid Final Fantasy IV. I thought IV was better than III. III was better than II. II wasn’t as good as I but the point is, I’m feeling the winds of quality blowing toward Final Fantasy VI. Will it be the series best it is often hailed as, or will I be left yearning for my time with Bartz and the gang?
“I stopped predicting the future a long time ago.”
-William Frederick Durst
1982
Conman’s Last Hunt
Entry 5
Some of his games require a targeted web-zip or blast, but Spider-Man’s web-slinging normally isn’t a precision affair. Usually you press a button and the webs automatically shoot up into the sky (or a building in the player’s proximity if the game is fancy.)
This Atari 2600 title hinges its entire gameplay loop on the concept that Spider-Man will fall to his death if his web fails to connect with a building or piece of scaffolding.
It’s something this early game surprisingly shares with modern Spider-Man themed VR games: you have to connect each web every time or you will fall. After a you whiff a shot, there’s a split-second feeling of exhilaration and fear as you frantically try to get another on target before you hit the ground. That feeling is greater in more immersive games, but I still felt a spark of it here.
I can’t say I’ve always found Atari 2600 games to be the most engaging experiences, and this one doesn’t even offer the best visuals, challenge, or replayability on the system. However, it does try to do something specific to the character despite what we now see as harsh technical limitations, so for the time it’s kinda neat. Plus the little Spidey and Green Goblin are adorable.
Entry 5
Some of his games require a targeted web-zip or blast, but Spider-Man’s web-slinging normally isn’t a precision affair. Usually you press a button and the webs automatically shoot up into the sky (or a building in the player’s proximity if the game is fancy.)
This Atari 2600 title hinges its entire gameplay loop on the concept that Spider-Man will fall to his death if his web fails to connect with a building or piece of scaffolding.
It’s something this early game surprisingly shares with modern Spider-Man themed VR games: you have to connect each web every time or you will fall. After a you whiff a shot, there’s a split-second feeling of exhilaration and fear as you frantically try to get another on target before you hit the ground. That feeling is greater in more immersive games, but I still felt a spark of it here.
I can’t say I’ve always found Atari 2600 games to be the most engaging experiences, and this one doesn’t even offer the best visuals, challenge, or replayability on the system. However, it does try to do something specific to the character despite what we now see as harsh technical limitations, so for the time it’s kinda neat. Plus the little Spidey and Green Goblin are adorable.
Conman’s Last Hunt
Entry 4
This is sometimes hailed as the best of the GBA Spider-Man games, and I kinda hope that’s not the case.
The level design is simplistic and the combat is dull. I appreciate that wall-crawling isn’t as wholly unnecessary or unreasonably clunky as usual, but the web swinging is still better.
The levels, while boring to navigate, are varied enough in theming and aesthetics to keep things from getting stale. If Mysterio’s Menace consisted mostly of platforming through the stages I might have rated this higher, but in reality it revolves around moving to the right and hitting the punch button.
Conman-core alert 🚨: this game includes the Spider-Armor and a few other suits as power-ups, along with an additional unlockable outfit. Unfortunately not every Spider-Man game has alternate costumes, but even one softens my stance on any Spidey outing.
Entry 4
This is sometimes hailed as the best of the GBA Spider-Man games, and I kinda hope that’s not the case.
The level design is simplistic and the combat is dull. I appreciate that wall-crawling isn’t as wholly unnecessary or unreasonably clunky as usual, but the web swinging is still better.
The levels, while boring to navigate, are varied enough in theming and aesthetics to keep things from getting stale. If Mysterio’s Menace consisted mostly of platforming through the stages I might have rated this higher, but in reality it revolves around moving to the right and hitting the punch button.
Conman-core alert 🚨: this game includes the Spider-Armor and a few other suits as power-ups, along with an additional unlockable outfit. Unfortunately not every Spider-Man game has alternate costumes, but even one softens my stance on any Spidey outing.
Conman’s Last Hunt
Entry 3
I don’t really have it in my bones to hate any Spider-Man game, but I’m also not an idiot. This is a clunky beat-em up platformer with like two moves and lethargic gameplay (I guess my opinion on Rare platformers is consistent).
The thing that saves it for me here is the overall presentation. I think the various stages and bosses give this life, with the little dialogue/cutscenes being a goofy highlight. It’s not One More Day, but it’s far from Spidey’s best.
Entry 3
I don’t really have it in my bones to hate any Spider-Man game, but I’m also not an idiot. This is a clunky beat-em up platformer with like two moves and lethargic gameplay (I guess my opinion on Rare platformers is consistent).
The thing that saves it for me here is the overall presentation. I think the various stages and bosses give this life, with the little dialogue/cutscenes being a goofy highlight. It’s not One More Day, but it’s far from Spidey’s best.
2004
Conman’s Last Hunt
Entry 2
Huge for its time, Spider-Man 2 is still a dream come true.
Most of this has been done better since, and it definitely has many hallmarks of the era: button-mashy combat, awful chase missions, and annoying boss fights. But, I still think it’s a standout superhero game.
After playing both this year, swinging around in Spider-Man 2 is more satisfying and smoother than in Ultimate Spider-Man. The side content is pretty varied as well, and the spidey store is a mostly surface-level but much appreciated addition for a sense of progression. As a bonus, the last fight you have with Mysterio is hilarious.
My biggest negative is actually just that there aren’t any alternate costumes to speak of. Huge missed opportunity there.
Actually, I’m also mad that there aren’t more games like this for other superheroes. I stand by Superman having videogame potential no matter what anyone says.
(This review was written in 2021)
Entry 2
Huge for its time, Spider-Man 2 is still a dream come true.
Most of this has been done better since, and it definitely has many hallmarks of the era: button-mashy combat, awful chase missions, and annoying boss fights. But, I still think it’s a standout superhero game.
After playing both this year, swinging around in Spider-Man 2 is more satisfying and smoother than in Ultimate Spider-Man. The side content is pretty varied as well, and the spidey store is a mostly surface-level but much appreciated addition for a sense of progression. As a bonus, the last fight you have with Mysterio is hilarious.
My biggest negative is actually just that there aren’t any alternate costumes to speak of. Huge missed opportunity there.
Actually, I’m also mad that there aren’t more games like this for other superheroes. I stand by Superman having videogame potential no matter what anyone says.
(This review was written in 2021)
2005
Conman’s Last Hunt
Entry 1
Despite its straightforward gameplay loop and largely uninspired/sometimes incredibly frustrating combat and mission design, this is a great game in general and a must-play for fans of Spider-Man.
The cell-shaded animation has aged surprisingly well, as has the overall editing of the cutscenes and the voice acting. All of those things contribute to the “living comic book” feel Stan Lee mentions in a bonus features interview (available on the Limited Edition disc.) They took what Spider-Man 2 built and tweaked it in interesting ways, the biggest of which was definitely making Venom a playable character.
The locomotion of both Spider-Man and Venom is fluid, exciting, and true to character. Moving is what you spend most of your time doing, and this game makes sure to keep general movement as enjoyable as possible… even if some of the chase missions are pretty horrible. The entire Electro mission sucks. There’s also not a ton of meaningful content by today’s standards, at least outside of the campaign.
So it’s not a perfect game, but there was obviously love and care put into Ultimate Spider-Man. That’s why it’s still fun and stands out from most other sixth-generation games.
100% Update: The tokens are not necessarily rewarding in and of themselves as collectibles, but after getting them and completing all the combat missions and races, I feel like I’m really good at this game. The final Human Torch race was ridiculously hard, but I feel like a beast for completing it. I guess that’s a good thing, but this game would be way too hard for a kid to get all the costumes.
(This review was written in 2021. My fondness for this game has only grown since, still playing it off and on. This game has SOUL)
Entry 1
Despite its straightforward gameplay loop and largely uninspired/sometimes incredibly frustrating combat and mission design, this is a great game in general and a must-play for fans of Spider-Man.
The cell-shaded animation has aged surprisingly well, as has the overall editing of the cutscenes and the voice acting. All of those things contribute to the “living comic book” feel Stan Lee mentions in a bonus features interview (available on the Limited Edition disc.) They took what Spider-Man 2 built and tweaked it in interesting ways, the biggest of which was definitely making Venom a playable character.
The locomotion of both Spider-Man and Venom is fluid, exciting, and true to character. Moving is what you spend most of your time doing, and this game makes sure to keep general movement as enjoyable as possible… even if some of the chase missions are pretty horrible. The entire Electro mission sucks. There’s also not a ton of meaningful content by today’s standards, at least outside of the campaign.
So it’s not a perfect game, but there was obviously love and care put into Ultimate Spider-Man. That’s why it’s still fun and stands out from most other sixth-generation games.
100% Update: The tokens are not necessarily rewarding in and of themselves as collectibles, but after getting them and completing all the combat missions and races, I feel like I’m really good at this game. The final Human Torch race was ridiculously hard, but I feel like a beast for completing it. I guess that’s a good thing, but this game would be way too hard for a kid to get all the costumes.
(This review was written in 2021. My fondness for this game has only grown since, still playing it off and on. This game has SOUL)
2019
I’m a sucker for tank controls and pre-rendered backgrounds, so as soon as I see anybody say “It’s like Resident Evil with ________” I’m probably going to purchase and play whatever they’re talking about.
Onimusha: Warlords is Resident Evil with samurai. Kinda.
One big thing missing is resource management, so it’s not nearly as challenging, but the moment-to-moment gameplay and combat is surprisingly fluid and satisfying. The soul/weapon upgrade system was slightly reminiscent of the Dark Souls games, and was a welcome inclusion.
The story is a “save the princess” footnote to the gameplay, and you can really tell they were inspired by Resident Evil because the English voice acting is embarrassing.
But Onimusha isn’t literally Resident Evil. It’s its own thing, so I’m trying not to judge it entirely on a comparative basis. I found that the inclusion of puzzles along with a slower explorative pace balanced the hack-and-slash combat, despite neither being all that difficult on the highest difficulty available at the start of the game.
The game being so short (it’s only a few hours long) is a positive or a negative depending on how you look at it, and I fall slightly on the negative side, as I think the game could have used a few more enemy types and maybe a couple more puzzles. An additional area could have facilitated that. There is some replay value here, and I can see myself revisiting Onimusha: Warlords at some point.
Leaving me wanting more is far from the worst thing a game can do, and I’m pretty stoked to try the rest of the games. Apparently the third one heavily features Jean Reno for some reason!
Onimusha: Warlords is Resident Evil with samurai. Kinda.
One big thing missing is resource management, so it’s not nearly as challenging, but the moment-to-moment gameplay and combat is surprisingly fluid and satisfying. The soul/weapon upgrade system was slightly reminiscent of the Dark Souls games, and was a welcome inclusion.
The story is a “save the princess” footnote to the gameplay, and you can really tell they were inspired by Resident Evil because the English voice acting is embarrassing.
But Onimusha isn’t literally Resident Evil. It’s its own thing, so I’m trying not to judge it entirely on a comparative basis. I found that the inclusion of puzzles along with a slower explorative pace balanced the hack-and-slash combat, despite neither being all that difficult on the highest difficulty available at the start of the game.
The game being so short (it’s only a few hours long) is a positive or a negative depending on how you look at it, and I fall slightly on the negative side, as I think the game could have used a few more enemy types and maybe a couple more puzzles. An additional area could have facilitated that. There is some replay value here, and I can see myself revisiting Onimusha: Warlords at some point.
Leaving me wanting more is far from the worst thing a game can do, and I’m pretty stoked to try the rest of the games. Apparently the third one heavily features Jean Reno for some reason!
2023
I’m an admitted brand tie-in enjoyer, but I still thought Grimace’s Birthday was more than the usual marketing shovelware. This is the kind of whimsy I’m looking for from evil corporate conglomerates: if they’re going to destroy the world, the least they can do is make it a little fun.
This game is incredibly short but shockingly runs on original hardware as well as in a browser (it even works well on mobile). Grimaces Birthday was obviously the passion project of some wage slaves (see edit) who convinced their bosses to let them make this, and I think it’s pretty well-executed and diverting as a skateboarding platformer. The addition of score attack and free skate modes are unnecessary but welcome bonuses for this free game.
If this was a Happy Meal toy in the ‘90s, similar to the 2000s Burger King games, people would be nostalgic for it.
Edit: This was commissioned by McDonald’s, but still, someone who cared got the execs to okay this.
This game is incredibly short but shockingly runs on original hardware as well as in a browser (it even works well on mobile). Grimaces Birthday was obviously the passion project of some wage slaves (see edit) who convinced their bosses to let them make this, and I think it’s pretty well-executed and diverting as a skateboarding platformer. The addition of score attack and free skate modes are unnecessary but welcome bonuses for this free game.
If this was a Happy Meal toy in the ‘90s, similar to the 2000s Burger King games, people would be nostalgic for it.
Edit: This was commissioned by McDonald’s, but still, someone who cared got the execs to okay this.
2021
Although the generational leap in technology between Final Fantasy III and IV isn’t as apparent in the Pixel Remasters, it should be noted that this game matured the franchise in other ways.
The story is much more character-focused, opening on a pretty shocking sequence that I didn’t see coming considering what the last three games were like. The pacing was also a significant improvement over the NES titles, despite still requiring some grinding in the tail-end.
The plot has some holdover tropes from the last few games- the most irritating of which being the constant party shuffling. Allegiances switch on a dime, characters seemingly die but are quickly brought back, and so on. It’s simplistic, but it’s breezy fun with some actually memorable personalities and set-piece moments. That’s a big leap as far as I’m concerned.
The world-map was quite sprawling with lots to discover, upping the ante from Final Fantasy III’s already robust size. If it’s not actually bigger, they did an amazing job making it feel huge. The game’s final area, which I won’t spoil (I know the game is old) was Conman certified Kino™. At least aesthetically/conceptually if not entirely in its design.
One way it evolved the franchise that I’m not huge on is the ATB system. This isn’t the first ATB Final Fantasy I’ve played, but every game with this system I’ve liked despite it. I legitimately think it adds nothing over regular turn-based combat. It doesn’t hinder it too much, I just think it’s superfluous and I’m glad they eventually stopped doing it.
I think the west should have gotten every Final Fantasy game, but gun to my head, between FF II, III, and IV, I’m going IV. We’ll see about V soon!
The story is much more character-focused, opening on a pretty shocking sequence that I didn’t see coming considering what the last three games were like. The pacing was also a significant improvement over the NES titles, despite still requiring some grinding in the tail-end.
The plot has some holdover tropes from the last few games- the most irritating of which being the constant party shuffling. Allegiances switch on a dime, characters seemingly die but are quickly brought back, and so on. It’s simplistic, but it’s breezy fun with some actually memorable personalities and set-piece moments. That’s a big leap as far as I’m concerned.
The world-map was quite sprawling with lots to discover, upping the ante from Final Fantasy III’s already robust size. If it’s not actually bigger, they did an amazing job making it feel huge. The game’s final area, which I won’t spoil (I know the game is old) was Conman certified Kino™. At least aesthetically/conceptually if not entirely in its design.
One way it evolved the franchise that I’m not huge on is the ATB system. This isn’t the first ATB Final Fantasy I’ve played, but every game with this system I’ve liked despite it. I legitimately think it adds nothing over regular turn-based combat. It doesn’t hinder it too much, I just think it’s superfluous and I’m glad they eventually stopped doing it.
I think the west should have gotten every Final Fantasy game, but gun to my head, between FF II, III, and IV, I’m going IV. We’ll see about V soon!
This review contains spoilers
The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is both literally and figuratively a game of peaks and valleys. It swings for the fences in many regards, and sometimes stumbles, but it succeeds in all the ways I find electric and captivating to play.
Building vehicles is something I had no idea about going in (as I avoided almost all pre-release marketing) but that’s such a Conner-core game mechanic. Being able to climb anything, and even approach scenarios in my own natural way in Breath of the Wild was incredible, but Ultrahand had me looking at the largely-repurposed Hyrule map in a completely new light.
Make no mistake, this is the same Hyrule as before. They added a bunch of stuff, tweaked the context, changed some things around, but the broad strokes are the same. It was novel to go to a familiar town and see what had changed from the last game, but that reused map was my number one concern at the outset. Thankfully I was encouraged to interact with the map in a different way: The addition of vehicles, upward teleportation, time reversal, and weapon fusion drastically changed my locomotion and tactics in combat.
The place I felt all those mechanics congeal, and this game really come into its own, was in the Hyrule Depths, a complete second map underneath the overworld. This was the highlight of the game for me, as it brought out my creative streak with vehicle construction, navigation, and all the other mechanics (new and old.)
I felt the game presented me with goals and gave me the tools to complete them, but without the rigidity I’ve rubbed against in other games. In my experience, “why didn’t that work?” is more common in videogames than “I can’t believe that worked”. This game sidesteps that, almost to a fault (some would just say to a fault.)
A lot of what they’re doing here is more videogame-y than Breath of the Wild, creating a playground on top of and beneath the more contextual Hyrule. The puzzles can often be cheesed with the toolset the game gives you. The toolset they give you is powerful, so much so that you could probably do a ton of this game without engaging with almost any of its systems. But I had more fun doing it my way, and I think the game seemed to agree.
The worst stuff in this game, to me, is carried over from Breath of the Wild. Did they really think their user-interface from BotW was perfect? Did they really love their armor upgrading system? I had more fun unlocking the great fairies than I ever did upgrading armor with them (Aka taking my Purah metal detector and searching for rare enemy spawns across the map). Why is the lock-on so finicky? Same with parries and perfect dodges. Cooking is still slow. Not all armors can be dyed. The Great Fairies make annoying sex noises. It shouldn’t be controversial to say a game has negative aspects and I don’t want to see any of y’all hating on people who disliked the game. This is a weird videogame! Is it not?
The new stuff has problems too (why do I have to talk to the sages to use their powers? It sucks. Why is the water temple so short? Why is the King of Hyrule a foxy furry goat man? Why is the story like that?) but in all honesty none of that outweighs the enjoyment I got building a stupid car out of logs to reconstruct Lurelin village after the pirate attacks. Or building a precariously tall airplane, or a huge catapult, or a catamaran seaplane, or even just a few fans and a control stick. I didn’t even talk about the sky islands! I like them. Could have used more, but I thought they were more concentrated and purposeful with some of the most fun puzzles in the game.
Everybody is going to take away something different from this game, but to me, it did things I didn’t even know I wanted from a Zelda game. I can’t even put a finger on what I do want, but to me, a five star game doesn’t have to be flawless. To quote my Final Fantasy IX review, “I just want it to be impactful”.
All I know is that from the word “go” this game had me feeling exhilarated, excited, and creative. I was trapped in its vortex and haven’t so much as seen another game since it came out. To me, that’s a rare experience, and one I won’t soon forget.
Sorry this review was pretty scatterbrained. I already have a tendency to ramble, and compounding that with a game this huge (took me 140+ hrs to beat) and the fact that it’s 1 am and I’m taking care of a baby? I tried.
Building vehicles is something I had no idea about going in (as I avoided almost all pre-release marketing) but that’s such a Conner-core game mechanic. Being able to climb anything, and even approach scenarios in my own natural way in Breath of the Wild was incredible, but Ultrahand had me looking at the largely-repurposed Hyrule map in a completely new light.
Make no mistake, this is the same Hyrule as before. They added a bunch of stuff, tweaked the context, changed some things around, but the broad strokes are the same. It was novel to go to a familiar town and see what had changed from the last game, but that reused map was my number one concern at the outset. Thankfully I was encouraged to interact with the map in a different way: The addition of vehicles, upward teleportation, time reversal, and weapon fusion drastically changed my locomotion and tactics in combat.
The place I felt all those mechanics congeal, and this game really come into its own, was in the Hyrule Depths, a complete second map underneath the overworld. This was the highlight of the game for me, as it brought out my creative streak with vehicle construction, navigation, and all the other mechanics (new and old.)
I felt the game presented me with goals and gave me the tools to complete them, but without the rigidity I’ve rubbed against in other games. In my experience, “why didn’t that work?” is more common in videogames than “I can’t believe that worked”. This game sidesteps that, almost to a fault (some would just say to a fault.)
A lot of what they’re doing here is more videogame-y than Breath of the Wild, creating a playground on top of and beneath the more contextual Hyrule. The puzzles can often be cheesed with the toolset the game gives you. The toolset they give you is powerful, so much so that you could probably do a ton of this game without engaging with almost any of its systems. But I had more fun doing it my way, and I think the game seemed to agree.
The worst stuff in this game, to me, is carried over from Breath of the Wild. Did they really think their user-interface from BotW was perfect? Did they really love their armor upgrading system? I had more fun unlocking the great fairies than I ever did upgrading armor with them (Aka taking my Purah metal detector and searching for rare enemy spawns across the map). Why is the lock-on so finicky? Same with parries and perfect dodges. Cooking is still slow. Not all armors can be dyed. The Great Fairies make annoying sex noises. It shouldn’t be controversial to say a game has negative aspects and I don’t want to see any of y’all hating on people who disliked the game. This is a weird videogame! Is it not?
The new stuff has problems too (why do I have to talk to the sages to use their powers? It sucks. Why is the water temple so short? Why is the King of Hyrule a foxy furry goat man? Why is the story like that?) but in all honesty none of that outweighs the enjoyment I got building a stupid car out of logs to reconstruct Lurelin village after the pirate attacks. Or building a precariously tall airplane, or a huge catapult, or a catamaran seaplane, or even just a few fans and a control stick. I didn’t even talk about the sky islands! I like them. Could have used more, but I thought they were more concentrated and purposeful with some of the most fun puzzles in the game.
Everybody is going to take away something different from this game, but to me, it did things I didn’t even know I wanted from a Zelda game. I can’t even put a finger on what I do want, but to me, a five star game doesn’t have to be flawless. To quote my Final Fantasy IX review, “I just want it to be impactful”.
All I know is that from the word “go” this game had me feeling exhilarated, excited, and creative. I was trapped in its vortex and haven’t so much as seen another game since it came out. To me, that’s a rare experience, and one I won’t soon forget.
Sorry this review was pretty scatterbrained. I already have a tendency to ramble, and compounding that with a game this huge (took me 140+ hrs to beat) and the fact that it’s 1 am and I’m taking care of a baby? I tried.
2023
Whatever you do, please don’t tell the people on the backloggd discord server I gave this a half-star.
Uninteresting, unfinished, ugly. Not in a good way; only almost atmospheric. Feels like a game that my little cousins would play on their phones at some sort of event, like a graduation or a wedding. The game amounts to a tiny series of fetch quests in a liminal kindergarten and one minor inconvenience of an ‘encounter’, and none of it works or congeals into anything resembling a compelling gameplay experience or even a lucid statement to the contrary.
Appreciated that it was free, but I suppose they robbed me of precious time, which is all we really have at the end of the day. You couldn’t even ride down the slide.
Uninteresting, unfinished, ugly. Not in a good way; only almost atmospheric. Feels like a game that my little cousins would play on their phones at some sort of event, like a graduation or a wedding. The game amounts to a tiny series of fetch quests in a liminal kindergarten and one minor inconvenience of an ‘encounter’, and none of it works or congeals into anything resembling a compelling gameplay experience or even a lucid statement to the contrary.
Appreciated that it was free, but I suppose they robbed me of precious time, which is all we really have at the end of the day. You couldn’t even ride down the slide.