Attention. This is a pre-recorded message.

If you are reading this, it means that 2016's Game of the Year Overwatch servers closed down worldwide, for the best. The once fabled TF2 killer closing down when said game only received one major update.

The world shall experience peace like never before, for approximately 26:59:55 hours, until the launch of Overwatch 2.

Be happy. Prosper.

After dropping the game with 309 hours spent, seeing it get worse and worse, now banned user Maradona whose crimes were picking off-meta picks in casual matches still retains somewhat good memories despite it all.

Such as:

- 6 v 6 Winston only.
- Release Mccree.
- Lucioball.
- Pre-Nerf Roadhog in Ilinois.

Those shall permanently stay as fond ones.
That be it, hidden behind other extensively more painful ones

Such as:

- Shitty e-sports enforced meta
- Queerbaiting
- Literally everything about lootboxes
- "The Cosby room"

That's all. No end messages or anything. Just a brief passage. Like the game it represents.

Goodbye Overwatch.
Thank you for killing Blizzard's reputation forever.
We needed that.

Yuna: "My two girlfriends. And yes, they smoke weed."
Wakka: "Do they smoke weed, ya?"
Yuna: "Yes, actually."
Lulu: "You mean she isn't just smoking a cigarette?"
Khimari: "Khimari don't know weed cigarettes."
Dressphere change: Dancer
Yuna: "It's called a phid... not weed cigarette..."
Yuna: "And yes, it is a weed phid. They all smoke weed phids before we kiss. (They are my girlfriends,)"

This isn’t a joke. This isn’t a meme. This isn’t a copypasta or some stupid shit. This is a genuine cry for help. I can’t listen to anything but touhou music. At first I thought it was just video game music, or instrumental music, but no; even other game songs that I used to love are meaningless to me now. Songs from when I was a child, songs that previously had genuine emotional meaning and were attached to precious memories, are utterly worthless to me now – and I can’t enjoy any new music, either.

It’s not even that “mOdErN mUsIc iS bAd,” I mean I literally can’t reprogram my brain to pump out even the slightest amount of dopamine – or frankly any other chemical – at the sound and experience of music I’ve never heard before. Bands and musicians that are almost universally well-regarded for music that will be remembered throughout human history, and perhaps even afterwards, just sound like blank noise to me. I tried listening to Queen and had to stop because my stomach acids started boiling and I felt a migraine coming.

It’s not even just a matter of genre. I listen to remixes of touhou tracks of all kinds of genres, with and without lyrics, and I love every single solitary second of it. The sheer ecstasy that the climax of Starry Mountain of Tenma brings me is unrivaled by even my most tender and intimate memories.

My emotions are entirely controlled by what touhou song is currently playing, either out loud or in my head – and if I’m forced to hear any other kind of music in a public setting, like the playlist my bosses run at the restaurant I work at, my mental state gradually deteriorates until I’m forced to listen to fucking Cirno’s Perfect Math Class lest I suffer a complete mental breakdown in public. I was caught in my car after work singing Lyrica Live’s cover of Necrofantasia by the guy I have a crush on, and I nearly drove my car into the fucking ocean. I think he might’ve been recording me. It hasn’t been brought up by any of my coworkers but that doesn’t mean they don’t know.

My friends have desperately tried to pull me out, to introduce me to other genres, I even joined a fucking punk rock band for a little bit in the hopes that it’d recondition my brain, but I just found myself drumming the solos from Pristine Beat and Sailor of Time in every song we played. Nobody even noticed, they thought I came up with it on the fly, they called me a professional drummer in the making, but I knew I was just a hack.

I even hear touhou music in my fucking dreams. Literally, just last night I had a dream in which was hosting a fancy yacht party with all my friends and I could perfectly hear Jynx’s remaster of Plastic Mind blaring in the background, the ZUNpets pouring into the very ethereal essence of my soul as the dreamscape laid my inner desires bare.

I’m listening to 17.5’s version of Egoistic Flowers as I write this; I can feel Allah’s love coursing through me. Maybe he’ll take pity on me – for no other god seems to care.

So I went to the arcade with my family today, and it was pretty fun. We bought 16 tokens and equally distributed equally between us (4 each), but mostly spent our time playing Taiko because of course we would. It's a really fun game to play both alone and with your family, and the fact that you could play 2 songs with a single token was really helpful as well, because each one cost around 5 reais, which is a bit pricey.

Between all of the terrible kids oriented ones and loud Kof cabinets where 30 year olds were screaming like their lives depended on it, my cousin kept staring at Flying Tickers. I have no idea why this one in particular but he's 7, so maybe he recognized the visuals from a youtube kids video? Weird to think that flappy bird is older than him...

Anyway, while my parents were blasting the drums with folklore music on easy, I decide to spent my 2 last tokens so that we can give it a shot together. Considering that he burned his tokens in some quirky whack-a-mole reskin with zombies that were too fast for his hands, I felt like it could be fun y'know.

Anyway, after the 2 tokens went in, we pressed the 2 buttons to play the only mode there was for multiplayer: versus. Since the game had only a single button, tap, I was wondering what the hell would happen in it, hoping for the best.

After mere 4 seconds of not understanding how the tapping works because the screen trailers only kept showing flashing lights with blatantly adulterated gameplay to call the attention of small kids, he died. Immediately on screen a small 'Player 2 wins' message appeared, and... that was it.

That was the game.

2 tokens burned in 4 seconds.

He almost started crying out of guilt, saying sorry because he felt like he made me burn 4 games on the cool drum machine. We ended up buying 2 more (of course, just saying that we found it in our pockets) just to play together the 'weird songs' that I liked on Taiko, which I'll one day explain to him that are vocaloid stuff.

Anyway thanks for reading until here, I know it's not the usual meme reviews that I do but I needed to vent this terrible experience, this game is peak predatory garbage and a strong contender for worst experience I've ever had with the medium as a whole.

I FUCKING LOVE STUPID MEANINGLESS EQUIPMENT BONUSES IN VIDEOGAMES!

Only 1 weapon at a time? Just 4 armor pieces? Simplified nae nae ass UI? Stats that are readable? "+15% damage"? "+2 STR"? "+50% fire resistance"? What is this, elementary school?

GIve me 19 slots total of equipping shit. I wanna have 4 weapons, and 5 armor pieces, and 2 talismans, and 6 yokai abilities, and 2 titles (80 hours in I still don't know what the hell they are). Each of them with like 3 or 4 passive abilities that do nothing by themselves.

I want my boots to give me “-2.8% running stamina cost”. I want my headpiece to give me “-11.4% fall damage”. I want my left ring to graciously bestow upon me “+3.9% damage against humans”. My sword doesn’t have “+2.7% damage against armor” AND “-4.2% stamina consumption” AND “+3.1% backstab damage”? Literally. Unusable. Throw it in the trash.

You know how cool it is having to decide which bow to use between “+5.2% critical damage” and “- 7.5% max fall off damage”? I'm already killing most enemies in less than 3 seconds, I don’t think these numbers have any impact at all, it’s great. Oh, and GOD forbid if one of them isn’t also part 1 of 7 from a set whose only bonus when completed is giving me "+6.4% defense when HP drops below 30%".

Gamers need to accept that the true fun in forging/tampering equipments can only really happen when you have to do 30 minute side quests to check one fucking spot in the middle of nowhere to obtain the rare item “Poop rock” to which if you have 27 of them you can craft a special set of boots called “The hard worker” that gives you “+3.3% healing effectiveness” and is also the only way to progress in one NPC’s series of 6 side quests that you need to do to get the true ending.

Western game devs.
Take notes.