Great news! You too can develop a debilitating gambling addiction for only $15!

I don't think you could create a more addicting game if you tried. The pick-up-and-play element of this roguelite deckbuilder is so strong since it's based on poker, a game invented in the goddamn 1700s. For those of you keeping score at home, that's before we figured out how to synthesize cocaine.

And yet somehow, despite its simple origins, Balatro is just packed full of content. The game keeps throwing new shit at me left and right and I haven't even cleared the third stake yet. The satisfaction of making an absolutely busted deck setup is insanely gratifying, like what do you MEAN that I can score three million points by playing a single crumpled holofoil ace of spades with some red wax on it while the sound design and screen shake activate every neuron in my monkey brain. Is it legal to do that. I don't think it should be. This game needs like a Prop 65 warning or something.

Probably gonna continue playing this one until it stops having a Tetris effect (no not that one) like impact on my dreams. I woke up in a cold sweat last night because I was dealt some clubs when I needed hearts. That sounds like a metaphor for something. Hopefully Mercury isn't in retrograde or I might be in trouble. Maybe I should consult a psychic, or at least one of my goth friends who can read tarot and is a little too obsessed with astrology. Or perhaps I'm just a fool. I fold, cash me out dealer before I royal flush my life away.

Anyway good game. Don't even think about checking it out.

* Played perfectly on Ubuntu 20.04.6 via Proton 7.0-6.

Finally checked out that Metroid Prime remake that everyone's been talking about and damn, what a bold move to whole hog genre swap it into a pinball game! ...what's that now? You're telling me everyone's been talking about a Metroid Prime remaster, not a remake? You mean this review doesn't even benefit from being topical??

Anyway, yeah, it's a retreading of Metroid Prime in the form of a pinball game. That's pretty much all there is to it. It's not really a good Metroid or a good pinball game, but it is a fascinating curio.

The most notable element of the game is its soundtrack: while every other table has background music that would be right at home in the Metroid Prime series proper (like the Tallon Overwold table for example), the Pirate Frigate table has the most out-of-place buttrock Brinstar remix with squealing guitars and girthy bass aplenty. It's even wilder on real hardware - you don't need that Rumble Pak, the reverb from the absurdly mixed snare drum hits gotchu covered baby.

And if it that Brinstar remix sounds a bit familiar, it's because it's the wackass "SAMUS IS UNDER FIRE" song from Brawl. I went 16+ years thinking that remix was a fever dream cooked up custom for Smash Bros. but nah, that's from a goddamn pinball spinoff.

HOLD THE FORT. You mean to tell me that Tetsuya Mizuguchi and Masahiro Sakurai collaborated on a falling block puzzle game in 2006 and I'm just now finding out about it??

In short, this game rules. Sakurai brings the Melee orchestral soundfont, quirky game menus, charming art direction and scenario, and simple twist on a beloved genre that completely reinvents its gameplay. Mizuguchi brings the snappy gamefeel, reactive sound design, and overall dopamine-inducing game design. Together, they've made an addicting little time waster that's perfect as a pre-bedtime ritual.

Notably, this game is designed in such a way that I can't imagine it working on anything but the DS due to the touchscreen. Maybe a modern smartphone or even Switch port is possible, but Meteos is one of those classic victims of innovation left in the dust by the modern games industry.

I was totally vibin' with this and considering it a perfectly satisfying portable Monkey Ball experience (note: I have not played the original GCN games) up until the first level of the "advanced" courses completely filtered me. If it takes 5 continues to beat Level 1-1 then I simply do not care to experience the rest of those levels!

Side note: this era of gaming gives me serious "dead mall" vibes at times. For instance, the top-level menu of this game has a dedicated Facebook icon that, when selected, tells you that its functionality, whatever that used to be, is no longer supported. Had the same experience with Touch My Katamari and its "near"-powered Buddy Plaza. Feelin' like a ghost in the machine with how many Vita features just no longer work in 2024.

Gameplay shortcomings and egregious monetization aside, this Katamari iteration is worth experiencing just for that fuckass 3D model of the King. His hyper-realistic face and individually modeled teeth are the most upsetting thing I've seen in a while. The mo-cap for the King is uncanny as hell too, I don't want to see that creature dancing on my screen ever again thanks!

The cutscenes in this game are also completely bonkers, moreso than ever before - for example, the father in the opening cutscene has simply the fattest dumpy that would put even the King's exaggerated bulge to shame. I don't know what was going on there but it sets a very strange tone for what's to come.

Probably the worst Katamari I've played yet but I still enjoyed my time with it nevertheless. Too bad I'll never play those free DLC levels since they're locked behind currency that seemingly can only be obtained by spending Real Money on the PSN now.

Remains one of my favorites of all time so many years later. I'm sure it helps that this was one of the first games I ever owned, but there's still such a zen-like quality to running and jumping around the most beautiful PS1 pastels and polygons while Copeland's perfect score accompanies every moment. Full completion is a breeze and rarely frustrating (Tree Tops aside of course), so much so that you could probably knock out this entire game in a weekend if you wanted.

I'll keep coming back to Spyro until the day I die, you can count on that.

Remedy has to stop giving all their "good stories but half-baked gameplay" IPs to Microsoft because this game is just begging for an Alan Wake 2-tier sequel. There are a few moments where the otherwise standard (but very well-written) time travel plot veers ever so briefly into rad as hell territory, but those aspects of the narrative never get their proper moment in the sun and are largely left for us to speculate about. I would love to see what Sam Lake and his merry band of madlads cook up with those concepts now that the foundation of this world has been firmly established, but alas, Quantum Break is likely locked up in the Recycle Bin alongside Internet Explorer for the foreseeable future. Ah well, at least we've got legally distinct Tim(e) Breaker and Warlin Door now.

I'd give this a solid "check it out" even if I can only muster to rate it "good", because there's a wonderful sense of ambition on display here. Like, love it or hate it, you're not gonna find another game that plays full, live-action TV show episodes with dynamic content based on decisions you made in the gameplay segments in between its narrative chapters. Most people would call that very concept absurd just due to simple logistics, but Remedy will not be dissuaded by such mundane troubles. Sure, the episodes are shot like the digital display ads you might find in a dentist's office between fillings, but goddamn I'll give them props for going for it all the same.

Of course, it helps that Lance Reddick brings his best to every scene he's in, because that's just how he rolls. Rest in peace, man - gone too soon for real.

"there's an elegance in the simplicity of a well-designed town"
-> "the clockwork efficiency of a bustling city can be strangely serene"
-> -> "we should completely abolish the very concept of personal automobiles."

* Played perfectly on Linux via Proton 7.0-6.

This game came as a complete system shock. About an hour from here is a town with a name that's a barely disguised synonym for "Possum Springs", and I may or may not have lived in the real life analogs for both "Hunwick" and "Bright Harbor". So, you can imagine my surprise when starting this up and seeing so many deeply familiar things appear on screen. Here we go, Smelters, am I right?

Night in the Woods completely nails the sense of ennui I feel only more strongly with every subsequent visit to my hometown since moving out: things are recognizable on the surface, but underneath have been weathered by the passage of time. Favorite hangout spots and local businesses replaced by big corporate brands, institutions once newly built now fallen into disrepair, the childhood homes of friends under new ownership as everyone has gradually moved away to start their own families - and a feeling of "stuckness" in everyone who still remains. You can really sense that this game was written by someone who lived this, by someone who feels this ennui in the very stardust that makes up their atoms.

Based on that alone, I was destined to connect with this game. The fact that it's also heavily inspired by Twin Peaks and features a boldly unique art direction paired with a bangin' soundtrack slots Night in the Woods comfortably into the realm of "totally my shit". Beyond that though, everything about this game lives up to its hype as an indie darling and I simply cannot recommend it enough - especially if you've ever felt the crushing weight of living in a former labor union town well past its prime.

gregg rulz ok

Saw this described as "Myst for kids" in a review and, uh, yep that's about right (editor's note: I have not played Myst). Enjoyable enough if you're into that particular brand of mid-2000s anime melancholy, but I do get the sense that a great deal of the charm and identity of the DS original was lost in translation. Cool as hell that it exists at all though.

Also, some of the OST felt extremely reminiscent of the PS Vita menu music. Thought that was neat.

Waiter! One Metroidvania, hold the "-vania" please!

I should really like this game. I think I just had the misfortune of playing the worst possible version of it.

First, the good: the visuals and spritework are amazing overall, and the soundtrack is absolutely killer. If you weren't looking that closely, you could easily mistake this for a Metroid game on GBA, which is pretty cool! And the fact that most collectibles are completely unique weapon types or in-game lore drops is a great change - no more "bomb inventory +5" bullshit here, instead you get rewards like LIGHTNING GUN. And with the password system and secret areas, there seems to be a lot here for people who connect with this game. Cool ideas in a cool world with some cool atmosphere.

Second, the bad: a modern Metroidvania without any kind of fast travel is just poor design, sorry. I never had fun while backtracking to try and find the next objective since that often required me to trek back across the entire map. Combat is also hampered by the lock button not allowing you to move while aiming, making shooting diagonally while evading nigh impossible. And just like in Metroid, vertical platforming through combat areas just sucks, as does pixel hunting for destroyable blocks that have no visual indication that they should be investigated. I know it wouldn't really be a Metroid successor without that, but that's the kind of thing that kills the completionist in me.

And third, the PS Vita: four gameplay actions (two of them major functions) are relegated to pseudo-buttons on the touch screen that require you to take your fingers off of the movement or combat controls in order to use them. I should not have to tell you that this is awful, but the fake buttons are also visible on screen at all times - and yet, the area of input for each is so small and precise that you will never press that bomb button under duress without stopping to focus on doing so. In addition, for some reason, the game would just completely freeze up for almost a whole second fairly frequently, with the most freezes happening in Edin. This game will also lag and drop frames on Vita, if you can believe it. Several times, I thought the game was about to crash on me, especially when a freeze happened after a lag spike when the music stopped looping but failed to start back up again. And for whatever reason, the PS Vita's thumb stick liked to accidentally activate the "double tap a direction to evade" ability, which is truly a heinous input mapping for a game like this.

I dunno fam, I really wanted to like this one. Kind of bummed out that I didn't care much for it by the end.