ImmortanJones
2021
Variable State bungled what was otherwise an interesting concept in their nascent title Virginia, a hodge-podge of references and storytelling beats derived from the works of David Lynch. With zero expectations from their botched walking sim going into their most recent title, the game ended up being a surprisingly competent Telltale-esque adventure that, while pulling from a wider array of film and game influences, manages to mesh them all together in a clever, bittersweet journey that rivals some of the best in the adventure game genre.
Held back only by the technical limitations of their engine and (presumably) a fraction of the budget needed to successfully pull off a story of this breadth, Variable State's Last Stop hits the high notes in nearly every other aspect. The voice acting felt natural and suitably Bri'ish, the character designs mirror the kind of caricaturized proportions in an Arkane title, and the storytelling - excepting a handful of missteps - always engages and intrigues, sending the player across a whole host of environments not limited to the street corners and flats of the small city the main narrative takes place in.
Definitely a major step up from Virginia and a world I wouldn't mind returning to in the future, Last Stop is - without a doubt - a success for the fledging team that put it together, warts and all.
Held back only by the technical limitations of their engine and (presumably) a fraction of the budget needed to successfully pull off a story of this breadth, Variable State's Last Stop hits the high notes in nearly every other aspect. The voice acting felt natural and suitably Bri'ish, the character designs mirror the kind of caricaturized proportions in an Arkane title, and the storytelling - excepting a handful of missteps - always engages and intrigues, sending the player across a whole host of environments not limited to the street corners and flats of the small city the main narrative takes place in.
Definitely a major step up from Virginia and a world I wouldn't mind returning to in the future, Last Stop is - without a doubt - a success for the fledging team that put it together, warts and all.
2021
This review contains spoilers
The illustrious actors that were heavily-marketed for this game are wasted on this baffling script that feels less Agatha Christie Presents: Groundhog Day and more Spike Lee's Oldboy... but you know, in Groundhog Day.
Puzzle-solving never veers into outright moon logic, though some solutions require a bit of trial and error early on in the experience. I was less enthralled with the mechanics as time marched on, having to repeat multiple loops with tedious sections of unskippable dialogue just to tease out a sliver of progression. Ultimately, the puzzles are enjoyable, and a few of the fake-out endings were definitely charming in their execution.
Twist endings are hard to pull off, especially in a video game where you can't give away the goose but still need to keep the player invested with repetitive objectives. Twelve Minutes opts to go buck-wild with its twist yet fails to maintain the energy in its finale as the story really peters out and unceremoniously rolls credits in what feels like the middle of another loop. I was disappointed with this game, to say the least.
Closing thoughts: Willem Dafoe is excellent (as always), it's weird that Daisy Ridley's character model is double-cheeked up so much that you can literally spot her ass from orbit, and I'm not sure why moving to Alabama wasn't one of the alternate endings?
2 out of 5.
Roll tide!
Puzzle-solving never veers into outright moon logic, though some solutions require a bit of trial and error early on in the experience. I was less enthralled with the mechanics as time marched on, having to repeat multiple loops with tedious sections of unskippable dialogue just to tease out a sliver of progression. Ultimately, the puzzles are enjoyable, and a few of the fake-out endings were definitely charming in their execution.
Twist endings are hard to pull off, especially in a video game where you can't give away the goose but still need to keep the player invested with repetitive objectives. Twelve Minutes opts to go buck-wild with its twist yet fails to maintain the energy in its finale as the story really peters out and unceremoniously rolls credits in what feels like the middle of another loop. I was disappointed with this game, to say the least.
Closing thoughts: Willem Dafoe is excellent (as always), it's weird that Daisy Ridley's character model is double-cheeked up so much that you can literally spot her ass from orbit, and I'm not sure why moving to Alabama wasn't one of the alternate endings?
2 out of 5.
Roll tide!
2018
In the same way Fallout: New Vegas invented smug fedora tippers overexplaining why fascists are good actually, Hades invented bisexuality.
Originally, I had intended to do a complete and comprehensive writeup for this game - "A shining achievement for Asobo Studio and parent company Focus Home Interactive," it would have said. "Quality characters, enrapturing art direction, and Olivier Deriviere's best score to date, capturing the spirit of AA games from days gone by, a testament to the talented craftsmen and women of the videogame industry." O' the beautiful things I would have said.
But I had forgotten, nay, suppressed my memory of that godforsaken stretch of gameplay that exists within but a tiny pocket of this interactive narrative's otherwise spotless milieu: that goddamned cart sequence.
That piece of shit, good-for-nothing, teeth-clenching, head-popping, ass-fucking, mind-numbing, brain-searing, dick flattening, goiter-inducing segment of A Plague Tale's final chapter just takes a palm frond and shoves it like a musket loader in your pee-hole until you're covered in blood, piss, and tears. I'm half tempted to remove a point from my rating purely for that analogy. This is, however, my fault, not the game's. But it still has that STUPID cart section.
Dear, Asobo: whoever's idea that was? Kindly shove a palm frond in their dickhole, thanks.
3.5 out of 5.
Ratshit, batshit, dirty ol' twat...
But I had forgotten, nay, suppressed my memory of that godforsaken stretch of gameplay that exists within but a tiny pocket of this interactive narrative's otherwise spotless milieu: that goddamned cart sequence.
That piece of shit, good-for-nothing, teeth-clenching, head-popping, ass-fucking, mind-numbing, brain-searing, dick flattening, goiter-inducing segment of A Plague Tale's final chapter just takes a palm frond and shoves it like a musket loader in your pee-hole until you're covered in blood, piss, and tears. I'm half tempted to remove a point from my rating purely for that analogy. This is, however, my fault, not the game's. But it still has that STUPID cart section.
Dear, Asobo: whoever's idea that was? Kindly shove a palm frond in their dickhole, thanks.
3.5 out of 5.
Ratshit, batshit, dirty ol' twat...
2020
The Marauder isn't tough, y'all are just bad.
This review contains spoilers
In a post-sequel trilogy world, I've been reevaluating my stance on Star Wars Jedi Fallen Order. Conclusively, I think it's a worthy addition to canon that has more than its fair share of issues (related entirely to game-feel and general polish) and - though I wish it wasn't included - I understand why there is a bombastic final confrontation with Darth Vader. Playing this a few hours after the latest episode of Obi-Wan Kenobi was unintentionally hilarious, and if you returned to the game for the same reasons I did, you might agree. Hopefully, Star Wars Jedi Survivor fleshes out the combat but retains the linearity of this title. I am not left wanting for more Uncharted-esque story-driven adventures, however, the more is, indeed, the merrier.
Okay, they're DEFINITELY not getting a squad after what happened last night.
"Say one of these fascist or communist things or fuck off."
ZA/UM's immensely detailed isometric RPG is easily one of my all time favorite games, partially because of it's sprawling world-building, intricate character interactions and whip-smart dialogue, unique skill tree and probability rolls, mature handling of complex socio-political issues through the lens of a lo-fi post-revolutionary dystopia, and its hard to the core to the mega soundtrack --
But I'd be lying if I said most of the reason I love Disco Elysium wasn't just my boy Lieutenant Kim "Pimball" Kitsuragi and his silky-smooth voice, offering calm reassurance at times and quiet consternation whenever I lean a tad too hard into my superstar cop build. Having full voice-acting for "The Final Cut" brought every corner of Martinaise to life, and it was so damn satisfying to hear, "Never fuck with Kim Kitsuragi," after losing an intense game of Suzerainty to the man himself.
4.5 out of 5.
SUGGESTION: [Medium: Success] -- Posting this review will no doubt garner some serious attention. You put a lot of effort into it. It deserves to be seen and you deserve appraisal and attention for your insightful thoughts.
LOGIC: [Medium: Success] -- You only have a few followers; expect but a handful of other users to ever stumble upon your content. Even then, it is not likely they will stick around to read the whole thing.
SHIVERS: [Challenging: Success] -- Somewhere, in a damp room surrounded by household relics and useless holiday accoutrement, a man stares at the crisp imagery produced by his newly-purchased monitor. He pours over the text on screen before him, brow furrowed as he attempts to understand whatever esoteric reference his colleague has concocted for the sole purpose of adding flavor to a bog-standard editorial.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: [Impossible: Failure] -- Why are we worrying about what other people think when we could be stealing your landlord's alcohol?
1. Post the review.
2. Delete the entire review, start from scratch.
3. Remove the post-script then post the review.
4. "Wait, what the hell is happening?"
5. Call Chris and tell him to play Disco Elysium.
ZA/UM's immensely detailed isometric RPG is easily one of my all time favorite games, partially because of it's sprawling world-building, intricate character interactions and whip-smart dialogue, unique skill tree and probability rolls, mature handling of complex socio-political issues through the lens of a lo-fi post-revolutionary dystopia, and its hard to the core to the mega soundtrack --
But I'd be lying if I said most of the reason I love Disco Elysium wasn't just my boy Lieutenant Kim "Pimball" Kitsuragi and his silky-smooth voice, offering calm reassurance at times and quiet consternation whenever I lean a tad too hard into my superstar cop build. Having full voice-acting for "The Final Cut" brought every corner of Martinaise to life, and it was so damn satisfying to hear, "Never fuck with Kim Kitsuragi," after losing an intense game of Suzerainty to the man himself.
4.5 out of 5.
SUGGESTION: [Medium: Success] -- Posting this review will no doubt garner some serious attention. You put a lot of effort into it. It deserves to be seen and you deserve appraisal and attention for your insightful thoughts.
LOGIC: [Medium: Success] -- You only have a few followers; expect but a handful of other users to ever stumble upon your content. Even then, it is not likely they will stick around to read the whole thing.
SHIVERS: [Challenging: Success] -- Somewhere, in a damp room surrounded by household relics and useless holiday accoutrement, a man stares at the crisp imagery produced by his newly-purchased monitor. He pours over the text on screen before him, brow furrowed as he attempts to understand whatever esoteric reference his colleague has concocted for the sole purpose of adding flavor to a bog-standard editorial.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: [Impossible: Failure] -- Why are we worrying about what other people think when we could be stealing your landlord's alcohol?
1. Post the review.
2. Delete the entire review, start from scratch.
3. Remove the post-script then post the review.
4. "Wait, what the hell is happening?"
5. Call Chris and tell him to play Disco Elysium.
2016
Retains none of the charm of the original, has the audacity to include scenes from the film it is based on as cutscenes, and doesn't have the "plumber's crack" joke that 12-year-old really, really loved.
2007
This review contains spoilers
Removed from the context of the rest of the series, the first Mass Effect is a solid piece of sci-fi fluff that echoes the spirit of Asimov and Star Trek. Within the context of the series, it's a truly special game.
Despite the fact that BioWare's penchant for streamlining RPG gameplay in favor of a more cinematic approach to storytelling leads to hit-or-miss elements such as the game's skill tree and the infamous dialogue wheel, Mass Effect still offers one of the best "role-playing" experiences in the modern canon of games, due in no small part to Commander Shepard. Shepard can be molded over the course of the game to be a diplomatic, silver-tongued angel or a vainglorious loud-mouth with a shady disposition, but no matter the choices players make, Shepard will always be Shepard. The vast gulf of differences between one player's campaign and another's gives this series its defining charm: the ability to shape the galaxy based on your choices, your character. And it all begins here.
Don't get me wrong, there are some severe issues with Mass Effect, mainly pertaining to presentation, the lackluster side content, and the goddamn Mako (affectionately one of the most ridiculous physics-based vehicles in games history), but the world-building, characters, and journey that it takes you on makes Mass Effect the premier science-fiction RPG on the market. And hey, the Legendary Edition makes it look not like disgusting washed out alien piss!
3.5 out of 5.
I can never bring myself to let Ashley die, even though she's a racist. Kaidan is just so... eh.
Despite the fact that BioWare's penchant for streamlining RPG gameplay in favor of a more cinematic approach to storytelling leads to hit-or-miss elements such as the game's skill tree and the infamous dialogue wheel, Mass Effect still offers one of the best "role-playing" experiences in the modern canon of games, due in no small part to Commander Shepard. Shepard can be molded over the course of the game to be a diplomatic, silver-tongued angel or a vainglorious loud-mouth with a shady disposition, but no matter the choices players make, Shepard will always be Shepard. The vast gulf of differences between one player's campaign and another's gives this series its defining charm: the ability to shape the galaxy based on your choices, your character. And it all begins here.
Don't get me wrong, there are some severe issues with Mass Effect, mainly pertaining to presentation, the lackluster side content, and the goddamn Mako (affectionately one of the most ridiculous physics-based vehicles in games history), but the world-building, characters, and journey that it takes you on makes Mass Effect the premier science-fiction RPG on the market. And hey, the Legendary Edition makes it look not like disgusting washed out alien piss!
3.5 out of 5.
I can never bring myself to let Ashley die, even though she's a racist. Kaidan is just so... eh.
It's actually astounding how derivative and vile this creatively bankrupt "thriller" manages to be in just under two hours. A solid atmosphere is drowned out by tepid gameplay and frustrating creative decisions that are overshadowed by even more horrendous dialogue and a story that is as thoughtless as it is insulting. All I gotta say is...
THIS NICKY EATIN' BEANS.
THIS NICKY EATIN' BEANS.
2016
There's too much going on narratively and not enough going on interactively. It's a mess. What a shame. Could have been really fascinating.
2020
Square Enix. Oh, Square Enix. Once the great Squaresoft, home of Final Fantasy and their questionably titled Western ports, now the grave of Eidos and subsequent acquisitions. Tell me, Squeenix: was it worth shelving Tomb Raider, shooting Deus Ex in the back of the head, losing Hitman, and getting BTFO'ed by People Can Fly for this dumpster fire of a GAAS? You had at your disposal some incredibly talented teams, some of the best IP in the business, and you threw it all away at a chance of striking gold with the most profitable heroes of all time.
And you couldn't even outshine Outriders.
Get fucked, Square. You did this to yourself.
0.5 out of 5.
Mom, can we have the Avengers?
And you couldn't even outshine Outriders.
Get fucked, Square. You did this to yourself.
0.5 out of 5.
Mom, can we have the Avengers?
2018
A highlight in the Dontnod Entertainment catalogue, Vampyr trades competent combat for phenomenal narrative systemics, making each life saved or each life lost impactful, no matter how minute they may seem.
Dr. Jonathan Reid's quest to cure a deadly viral epidemic while under the influence of vampirism is a fun twist on the power fantasy; giving in to Reid's bloodlust ensures an easier jaunt through the twisted alleys and cobbled streets of London... by contrast, abstaining from Reid's indulgences turns the roving bands of vampire hunters and ghoulish fiends into insurmountable challenges (insofar as combat is just terrible enough to make tougher enemies utter bullshit mongers). Will Reid uphold the Hippocratic Oath or embrace his new un-life as a devourer of souls? The choice is yours...
In summary: competent story, engaging characters, rough combat, incredible agency. Like an elevator, Vampyr has its ups and downs, but more like an elevator to a helipad, it's mostly ups.
3.5 out of 5.
What if we kissed at the estate of William Marshal? Just kidding! Unless...?
Dr. Jonathan Reid's quest to cure a deadly viral epidemic while under the influence of vampirism is a fun twist on the power fantasy; giving in to Reid's bloodlust ensures an easier jaunt through the twisted alleys and cobbled streets of London... by contrast, abstaining from Reid's indulgences turns the roving bands of vampire hunters and ghoulish fiends into insurmountable challenges (insofar as combat is just terrible enough to make tougher enemies utter bullshit mongers). Will Reid uphold the Hippocratic Oath or embrace his new un-life as a devourer of souls? The choice is yours...
In summary: competent story, engaging characters, rough combat, incredible agency. Like an elevator, Vampyr has its ups and downs, but more like an elevator to a helipad, it's mostly ups.
3.5 out of 5.
What if we kissed at the estate of William Marshal? Just kidding! Unless...?
This review contains spoilers
Resident Evil runs the gamut of downright unplayable entries to genre-defining classics, oftentimes oscillating between the two ends of the quality spectrum between releases. Was I skeptical that Resident Evil 7 would provide a satisfying experience that continued the series' lineage of ever-evolving action-horror puzzle-stravaganzas? Not entirely, but that's because hindsight is 20/20. I put off playing this game despite having delved into Capcom's REmakes last year, but with Village on the horizon and a VR headset in my employ, I decided it was time to head to Louisiana and see what all the fuss was about.
Spoiler alert: it was quite good. Resident Evil 7 is a clever game with a dull protagonist, but the structure, pace, and thrills are more than enough to make up for Ethan Winters' non-existent personality. Expect a full review soon, because I have more to say, but for now, go tell Aunt Rhody everybody's dead.
4 out of 5.
"I'm Redfield." Bitch, no you ain't.
Spoiler alert: it was quite good. Resident Evil 7 is a clever game with a dull protagonist, but the structure, pace, and thrills are more than enough to make up for Ethan Winters' non-existent personality. Expect a full review soon, because I have more to say, but for now, go tell Aunt Rhody everybody's dead.
4 out of 5.
"I'm Redfield." Bitch, no you ain't.