What we have here is one hell of a unique horror anthology adventure. This is the type of shit you'd think would have a massive fanbase surrounding it yet somehow it's managed to remain obscure. The choose your own adventure style of gameplay aligns with more modern games like Until Dawn—however here you are limited to simple binary choices and quick-time-event mechanics. The minimalist visuals paired with industrial soundscapes is unlike anything else on the system, it almost invokes the same vibe those Haunted Demo Disk releases have. Despite the game not having a English translation available it's easy to follow the plot so there's not much reason to not check this out if you're at all interested.

I'd like to say "this hasn't aged well" and be done with it, but that is NOT ALLOWED! If I said that, they'd put me in the stockades again, and I'm not going back there!!

I never got into the Ultimate Spider-Man comics back in the day. I don't like to dog on anyone's art, but Mark Bagley's interpretation of these characters was always a barrier, and it turns out they look pretty bad when rendered through a Nintendo Gamecube, too. However, if you asked me what my favorite pre-Marvel's Spider-Man game was at any point prior to this last weekend, I'd say Ultimate Spider-Man. Probably talk about how good the web-slinging was, or how neat the stylized comic book panel cutscenes were.

It's easy to assign a high level of quality to something you haven't touched for about twenty years.

Everything in this game feels weightless, Peter most of all as any punch to the nose will send him flying several miles away, rag-dolling at maximum velocity into the cold depths of the Hudson. Combat, traversal, even the level of mission variety just feels so flat, so bodyless that at several points I started to question if I accidentally downloaded a beta. I remember it being better than this, but apparently I just got way into a budget mid-2000s action game. I remember booting this up just to swing around for hours, not really doing anything. Real "playing with rocks" behavior.

Turns out me not actually doing anything when revisiting the game is partly a consequence of the game providing nothing to do. Side missions are divided between races and "tours" of combat that send you between points to beat up a few bad guys. Occasionally you'll be called upon to stop a crime in progress or swing someone with a tummy ache to the hospital (Spider-Man is a friend to those with IBD), but there's just not much going on in New York. Unfortunately, the game forces you to complete a pre-requisite amount of these missions before continuing with the story, and despite never being a tall task, it is incredibly mind numbing.

The main story missions are lacking in variety, too. Almost all of them follow the same pattern of chasing a villain from Spider-Man's rogues gallery and then doing battle with them. The chase sequences are lengthy and lacking in any sense of flow, and battles largely boil down to dodging attacks while waiting for the enemy to become vulnerable, then doing a hit-and-run for a small amount of damage. My favorite. There's like, five things to do in this game and they're all unengaging.

I don't even care for the story, which treads a bit too close to "it's all fate" for my liking. Peter and Eddie Brock's dads were both working on the Venom symbiote prior to their deaths, and apparently some of Richard Parker's DNA made it into the suit (he came a little), which creates a unique bond between it and Peter. I think part of what makes Spider-Man so appealing is that anybody could be him, Peter was just the right guy in the right place at the right time. Ultimate's story takes away from that and is worse for it.

Peter is also written to be an insufferable jerkass with no redeeming qualities, something Sean Marquette does an admirable job at capturing with his line delivery. Don't get me wrong, while half of Sean's acting credits in games are cited as "reused grunts," I'm sure he's a perfectly good actor who was turning in the performance expected of him. I pin the blame on bad writing and poor direction.

anyway, i'm giving this game an extra star because it never at any point made me play as Mary Jane

I love Genesis, but if there's one thing I hate about its library, it's how over-produced and under-designed these can be, and every time I replay Hard Corps I'm convinced it's the epitome of this. Meet an awesome boss, kill it in 15 seconds before it does anything, move to the next one. Rinse and repeat for 6 stages. All these crazy moments and spectacles that obviously took a ton of work to implement, and they play themselves out with barely any input on your behalf. Barely any running or gunning. This is actually also an issue with Contra 3, and it's arguably worse there, but it feels so much louder and overt here because of the difference in scope.

Playing the JP version with health is by F A R the easiest Contra game, not even close. And why health in the game named 'Hard Corps', the cooler, edgier one obviously intended to be a pro-player gauntlet? It's obvious it was a last-moment inclusion when the devteam realized all your deaths were due to memorization-based pitfalls, and they chalked up they'd rather let players see all the cool shit than have them burn 10 hours into the same scripted sections just to see a burping alien foot or the pelican version of Mighty Orbots.

Idk, cool game, rad game, still fun just for merit what's here, I'm gonna come back to it like 6 months from now and notice something new in the backgrounds, but the gameplay is so so so so so not there and I can't help but pine for a version where these bosses kick and scream and go rabid like actual bloated alien menaces should.

Gonna save time and go straight out of the gate by saying that this is probably the worst-feeling FPS I've ever played. Not all of it is the game's fault given that it's a pre-dualshock console FPS, but a lot of it comes across as sloppy and amateurish even by the standards of the era.

No feedback/recoil on fall damage (you walk off the side of a ledge, teleport onto the floor and suddenly you're down x health), non-hitscan bullets that travel at about the speed of a brisk jog, diabolical aiming (your bullets travel over the heads of facehuggers and one second later they keel over dead. wat), no enemy infighting despite the fact that there is no reason for the aliens to not go after the Weyland goons, enemies getting mercy invincibility which negates the strength of your rapid-fire weapons... every single element just coalesces perfectly into some of the worst game-feel I've experienced in recent memory.

I fumbled around through twelve levels of flaccid gunplay and dimly-lit joylessly-designed maps, and finally came up against the alien queen! And I very quickly realized that thanks to being a large target with a rather slow 'getting hit' animation, I was able to stunlock her in that animation and won the fight without taking any damage. What an anticlimactic final bo... wait, there's more levels? I pulled up a guide, found out I was only a third of the way through, and closed the game.

I'm somewhat OCD about trying to experience as much of a game as possible (even if I'm not vibing with it) in order to give it a fair shot, but I think I can safely wave the white flag here and be reasonably sure I'm not missing out on much.

The most likely scenario for a sub-series like this is that, after one attempt, it would just fade away while the main series would take over, and yet, this was not the case with Gargoyle’s Quest. These titles wouldn’t go onto being as widely talked about as the main Ghosts ‘n Goblins series, but they would still hold up in terms of quality quite a bit, with each game being very fun, simple platformers with interesting gimmicks that made them interesting to check out, despite their faults. But naturally, every demon has to die at some point, and thus, the series would be concluded after only a four year run, while the main GNG series would continue to go on for… not long at all initially, but hey, that would also come back eventually too. However, before the series could die off, there was one more title that would release for the series: one that doesn’t bear the Gargoyle’s Quest name, but one that would continue the same gameplay, while innovating on it beyond anything it had resembled before. This game would be known as Demon’s Crest.

Just like with the other two Gargoyle’s Quest games, I had never played Demon’s Crest until not too long ago, even though I had seen it in action before. Unsurprisingly, the game is the best looking and most impressive of the bunch, which definitely left an impression on me when I first saw it, as I love this type of gothic-horror shit, especially from this era of gaming. Seriously, how can you not at least be impressed by some of the sprites in the game, like the dragon corpse you fight at the beginning of the game? But anyway, I decided to give it a shot, and yeah, I’d have to agree with most when they say that this is the best game in the series, and one of the hidden gems of the franchise as a whole. It does have its faults, ones that I haven’t seen many others touch upon, but it still stands as one of the best titles in this series as a whole.

The story is typical enough for this series, where the Demon Realm is in a war over who will claim ownership of the Crests, six magical artifacts that, when combined, can give you the powers of a god, and after plenty of fighting, Firebrand manages to gain all of them, only to have them then stolen by the evil Phalanx to use to take over the realm, so it is up to Firebrand to gather all of the crests once again and take him down for good. It is a simple enough scenario, but one that is presented in a, for lack of a better word, epic way, and it does make you more curious then before to give the game a shot. The graphics are fantastic, having that gothic style that I mentioned earlier, while also having fantastic sprites for Firebrand and his forms, the enemies you find, and especially the bosses, the music is pretty great, having that gothic, organ-y tone throughout most of the entire game, making the tracks great to listen to as you trek forward, and the control/gameplay is very similar to that of the previous game, but changed up plenty in terms of how you approach playing the game.

The game is a 2D action platformer, where you take control of Firebrand one more time, go through plenty of different gothic locations all across the realm, defeat plenty of enemies using your various gargoyle abilities while taking on plenty of tricky platforming segments, gather plenty of different items to help you get other items from shops, as well as plenty of upgrades throughout the land that can boost your abilities in plenty of ways, and take on plenty of large, grotesque creatures that will give you quite a challenge if you aren’t up to the task. When taking into account several different aspects of the game, it is very similar to that of the previous games, but then there are all the new elements brought into this game, as well as all of the elements that were changed around, and it almost feels like it came from a completely different series.

When you first start the game, it feels like your typical Gargoyle’s Quest affair, going through a linear level, defeating enemies, getting items and fighting several different bosses: nothing you haven’t seen from this set of games before. But then, when you defeat the final boss of that opening stage, you are then given a new powerup that allows you to transform into a different form, which catches your interest immediately. This is then followed by you being thrown into the overworld, and from there on out, almost the entire game opens up for you. You can now fly to plenty of other different locations throughout the map, take on plenty of new stages, fight bigger and badder foes, and find shops to buy more items or to get more money. These elements aren’t anything particularly new for video games, but to see the series being evolved from what it was before, a game trying to be an RPG, to this, is something to behold.

Another thing to appreciate about this approach is that, upon beating that first level, you now have this sense of freedom that not too many other games at that time had. Yeah, some of the levels are closed off until you complete certain objectives, but that can’t stop you from going to plenty of other levels, taking different routes, seeing what else is available to do, or even beating the whole game immediately. Seriously, you can just go straight to Phalanx to take him out if you want to, without playing through any other level, which may seem pretty anti-climatic, but the fact that the game gives you this option at all is something you don’t see every day, and is something I really appreciate. But even then, if you do decide to go beat the game already, you would then miss out on where this game truly shines: the upgrades.

Throughout the game, you can find many different items throughout the stages, each one either helping you carry something to use on your journey, or ones that will make you stronger as you keep going. These items can range from simple health upgrades, potion bottles, or scraps of paper for spells, but then there are the talisman that you can find, each one giving you a new ability to use, such as being able to break blocks, climb up walls, and take less damage. None of these compare to the crests though, for when you get them, you are able to turn into different gargoyle forms, such as one that allows you to break heavy objects on the ground, one that will let you fly high to the skies, and one that lets you swim underwater. Each one of these forms can be very helpful in plenty of situations, not only for defeating your foes, but also for exploring around the stages more to find new items, as well as new paths to take which can lead to extra pathways, bosses, and rewards. There may not be that many stages in the game, but they make up for it by making these stages meaty, and you will wanna see every corner of them before your journey is all over.

All of that is well and good, but there are some elements that do hold it back, such as the fact that this is still Ghosts ‘n Goblins, which means it will not be afraid to jam that fleshy head of yours straight into a vat of spikes. It is easy enough at the beginning, but it can get hard pretty quickly, and you will need to bring your A-game to take on some of these challenges. Although, even that may not be enough at some points, as I swear, there are just some parts in this game where it seems impossible to get through without getting hit, even though I tried plenty of times to make that the case. It’s not that big of a deal, I’ll take the hit like a man and move on, but still, that does kinda suck. And speaking of things that kinda suck (stop thinking that), this may be a personal peeve that I have with this game, but it is a peeve nonetheless: why can’t you crouch? There are plenty of moments in the game where you will have these pots or enemies that you can’t normally hit on the ground, all because you are too goddamn tall, so your fire goes over them, and you have to position yourself to where you can actually hit these things. Sure, you do have different forms and tools to take care of that for you, but then that requires going into the menu, going to select the form, leaving the menu, and uggggggggggggh……… it could’ve gone by so much faster.

Overall, despite some gripes that I have with the game, personal or otherwise, this is definitely one of the best ways that this sub-series of games could’ve ended out, managing to retain the same basic gameplay that fans have come to know and love from this series, while also expanding on it tremendously to where it could never go back to what it did before… at least, if it had the chance to. I would definitely recommend it for those who were fans of the previous Gargoyle’s Quest titles, as well as those who are a fan of more open-ended platformers like this, because this game will give you plenty of what you want and love out of these types of games, and you will feel satisfied by the end of it. Unless, you know, you do end up going to fight Phalanx right away, in which case you end up throwing the Demon Realm into chaos anyway… so, way to go there, ya demonic dickhead.

Game #520

Far and away the most egregiously misguided attempt at myth-making in games history. This isn't the worst game ever. It's not the weirdest game ever. It is not the 'first American produced visual novel.' Limited Run Games seems content to simply upend truth and provenance to push a valueless narrative. The 'so bad it's good' shtick serves only to lessen the importance of early multimedia CD-ROM software, and drenching it in WordArt and clip art imparts the notion that this digital heritage was low class, low brow, low effort, and altogether primitive.

This repackaging of an overlong workplace sexual harassment/rape joke is altogether uncomfortable at best. Further problematising this, accompanying merch is resplendent with Edward J. Fasulo's bare chest despite him seemingly wanting nothing to do with the project. We've got industry veterans and games historians talking up the importance of digital detritus alongside YouTubers and LRG employees, the latter making the former less credible. We've got a novelisation by Twitter 'comedian' Mike Drucker. We've got skate decks and body pillows and more heaps of plastic garbage for video game 'collectors' to shove on a dusty shelf next to their four colour variants of Jay and Silent Bob Mall Brawl on NES, cum-encrusted Shantae statue, and countless other bits of mass-produced waste that belongs in a landfill. Utterly shameful how we engage with the past.

Bonus Definitive Edition content:
Limited Run Games is genuinely one of the most poorly managed companies on earth and I will never forgive them for giving me a PS5 copy of Cthulhu Saves Christmas instead of what I had actually ordered, a System Shock boxart poster. They also keep sending me extra copies of Jeremy Parish's books. Please, I do not need three copies of Virtual Boy Works.

Honestly I really had no intention of doing a review because it's Zelda II. Even when originally wanting to play the FDS version. This wouldn't change my mind but I do wanna say that despite all the struggles the past decade never beating this game. I finally did it and I ended up playing the whole thing on the NES. Why? Well, honestly it's because I played a hack of the game that let's you play as Marisa from Touhou and for some reason that was enough for me.

This game still has flaws but it's fun and I'm glad I finally beat it. It's a shame the concept of a Zelda RPG has never happened. I'm on the boat of this is the only entry in the series that's actually an RPG but I'm sure that'll annoy some people, sorry. I hope one day the game gets a remake seeing as I've seen multiple people wanting to do so, I'd give it a try if they did.