Everyone knows Mario is cool as fuck. But who knows what he's thinking? Who knows why he touches flowers? And why do we think about him as fondly as we think of the mystical (nonexistent?) Dr Pepper? Perchance.

I believe it was Kant who said "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." Mario exhibits experience by tushing flowes all day, but he exhibits theory by stating "Lets-a go!" Keep it up, baby!

When Mario leaves his place of safety to grab a flowey, he knows that he may Die. And yet, for a man who can purchase lives with money, a life becomes a mere store of value. A tax that can be paid for, much as a rich man feels any law with a fine is a price. We think of Mario as a hero, but he is simply a one percenter of a more privileged variety. The lifekind. Perchance.

I don't care that it's intended for 2v2, imposing designated RPG roles (tank, support, assassin, dickmongler etc.) onto fighting game characters is some of the most obnoxious and contrived shit I've seen in the genre. The monetization is heinous and all the music sounds like you're about to go on a family-friendly educational adventure with Mickey fucking Mouse. If this is "the future of free-to-play fighting games" I'd rather stay in the prehistoric age!!

A whole star for the genuinely creative movesets though. Every character's series is portrayed extremely well in their attacks - especially Tom&Jerry, a puppet character that fights itself during a match is a slam dunk of design. Could've gone without Shaggy being a reference to a 5-year-old meme but I guess it paid off for the marketing

Once you get past the novelty of rhythm combos, it's not the mechanically deepest game out there, but the presentation is exuberant and the focus on the on-beat fun in every aspect from the gameplay to the visuals and soundtrack never wears off. The inconsistent character designs put me off at first (the game sometimes feels like it can't settle on an art style) and that first trailer didn't do the writing any justice, but this party grew on me a lot over time, with a lot of fun interactions, neat arcs, and really rad culmination of their efforts before the final boss. It just kinda feels like a cool 6th-gen action game I'd have played back in the day so the fact that it brings me the same feeling as an ice-cold Fanta in July is a good bonus.

"Whew," the enamored g@me play0r sighs out in reverence as the boss clearly designed by someone who thought they were on a job for a mediocre Platinum title did three SICKASS ANIMEY slow-mo front flips, each dealing 70% max health damage to the player with around 8 quintillion HP (which was only reasonable to invest a few points into after getting some from the eleventh Piss-And-Shit-Smeared Tree Spirit overworld boss fight that also netted a BAD. ASS. spirit ash to help you circumvent said bosses in the future except it's objectively worse than half the ones you already have) which they got to by trekking across seven hills, seven lands, seven seas and seven hells, each populated by more barren stretches of land than the last with s p o o k y copy-pasted caves and catacombs breaking up the monotony of running into small platoons of disinterested enemies you can't even be assed to to swing a sword on horseback at on your way to the next 𝓛𝓮𝓰𝓪𝓬𝔂 𝓓𝓾𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓸𝓷 (VERY important areas they put all their ACTUAL level design into! which is why half of them are directionless slogs where everything looks the same and with enemy placement done by the one only Mr Miyazaki'ˢ ⁸⁻ʸᵉᵃʳ⁻ᵒˡᵈ ˢᵒⁿ who really liked the funny jump battan) so that they can find an NPC which mysteriously vanished one Saturday night a few weeks into the playthrough but is crucial for the conditions of one of the many different-colored endings outlined by the Purposely Vague and not frequently Irritatingly Nebulous lore (which is totally okay because that's how they always did quests dude :P it's NOT comically archaic in contrast to the world design xP) but at least there's some World Essence and Snail Drippings to pick up on the way in case you ever find a cookbook that teaches you how to MacGuyver the two into a portable ICBM and then not land the shot because the Lands Between Olympic Champion you're chucking it at read your input had superior reflexes, "From the Software has done it again!"


I gotta be honest man I think this formula has the studio stuck spinning their wheels and given ER's astronomical success they're probably not gonna try reinventing it anytime soon. The game isn't bad. I'll still play the DLC. But seeing it heralded as the zenith of the genre let alone Fromsoft's masterwork gives me a fucking migraine.