Probably the most gorgeous game I’ve ever played. Some of those cutscenes look straight out of a movie. The music is beautiful, and the story is great. XVI’s iteration of Cid might be my favorite of the whole series. I really dug the mature vibe - it never felt forced or inappropriate. Torgal is the goodest boy. The boss fights are amazing and epic.

However, the gameplay becomes borderline tedious by the end of the game. The side quests are among the worst I’ve ever seen. The battle system, while extremely fun at first, became so repetitive by the end of the game that I could close my eyes for half of the battles and win no problem. Half of the Eikons were useless to me, so many of the same skills I was using at the beginning of the game were still being used at the end. Except for a few optional bosses and one or two story bosses, I thought the game was too easy. While I did do all optional content (so I did become a bit overpowered), I played on action mode with no timely accessories ever equipped. I can’t imagine how easy the game must be on story mode.

Anyway, aside from the side quests, most of the gripes I have with the game are relatively minor. The biggest issue with the game I have is that it just doesn’t feel like a Final Fantasy. It’s a pretty good game overall, but a bad Final Fantasy. I could go over why that is in great detail, but anyone who has played it themselves probably doesn’t need me to do that. Give me a DLC that adds a better magic system, some cactuars and tonberries, and maybe an airship, and we’ll talk. Throw in Leviathan as a playable Eikon while you’re at it.

7.5 - I liked Final Fantasy XV better. See ya!

This game has probably the most impressive physics in video game history, but they couldn’t make a simple animation to pet the dog?

I had to put my 13 year old dog down (seriously) during my playthrough of this game, and all I wanted to do was pet the dog.

Please Nintendo. It would take some intern like an hour to program the animation. Please let me pet the dog.

In Memory of Tori
April 7th, 2010 - May 24th, 2023

The Setting: Action Arcade, Northville, MI, circa 1992.
The Game: Time Traveler
The Story: Holy shit. Look at this thing. It’s a goddamn HOLOGRAM. It looks so damn cool. The whole machine is so futuristic, I can’t help but be drawn in. However, it cost a dollar to play. Now, I don’t know about now, but back then a dollar was a big deal at an arcade. That was 4 plays of Street Fighter II! My dad would usually give my brothers and me a couple bucks for an hour or two of playtime, so my money has to be spent wisely. But I can’t help it. I have to play Time Traveler! I will actually be able to control this holographic dude with a laser gun! So I make the decision. I put the dollar into the machine. It doesn’t even take quarters. There is no way that this won’t be the single greatest experience in my life.

Here we go! I am controlling this kick-ass dude with a cowboy hat! Maybe I’ll try jumping? Holy shit it works! THIS IS SO FUCK— oh shit. I died. Okay. Well, I have two lives left, so maybe this time I won’t mess around. I’ll try shooting this thing right here— oop. Damn thing killed me again. Crap. I only have one life left, I need to focus all my energy so I don’t— and I’m dead. GAME OVER.

That’s it. 30 seconds. I played this thing for 30 seconds. Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE EVERLOVING GODDAMN SHIT WAS THAT? DID I REALLY JUST WASTE A WHOLE UNITED STATES DOLLAR BANK NOTE ON THIS THING? I COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING STREET FIGHTER! I COULD HAVE SHOT 9000 HADOUKENS OUT OF MY ASSHOLE WITH THE FOUR QUARTERS I JUST WASTED! WHY?? WHY?????

“Hey… hey Dad. Can I… can I have just a little more…?”
“No? NO? Why not? Don’t you see what I’ve been through? Don’t you see that my entire hopes and dreams were crushed in the time it took to let out a fart?
“I need to Sonic Boom. I need it. Please let me shoot one Sonic Boom. Please.”

But I never Sonic Boomed. Nor would I ever again, at least at that arcade. It closed down shortly thereafter and became a laundromat. Every time I drove by that place from then on I was faced with the empty hole in my heart where Yoga Flames and Hundred Hand Slaps should be filled. That hole remains to this day.

In short, this game isn’t very good.