DFW_Robbo
130 Reviews liked by DFW_Robbo
This shit goes hard as hell in a morbid and existential way
Street Fighter 6
2023
To quote another Capcom game, "a solid beginning may lead to a perfect ending". A solid beginning was something that Street Fighter V unfortunately didn't really have, and it pretty much haunted it for the rest of it's life, even if it deserved the contempt or not.
So what can Capcom do to deliver this solid beginning to 6? Well, how about a fun as shit mode where you make your own self-insert, and run around Metro City delivering shoryukens to the back of some old lady's head and initiate fights with everyone you see? A Yakuza-like perhaps, but for me it's Mortal Kombat Deception's Konquest Mode expanded and perfected. It turns out all you need to attract more casual fans is a cool single player mode that just so happens to have a neat fighting game attached to it. Vets like myself love it too, because the Capcom references and lore drops never stop falling on top of you, and the cellphone interactions with the fighters is so fucking adorable. God, it's probably the best mode I've ever played in a fighting game.
Capcom is always Capcom, they do silly things constantly, but here they've proved that they've learned from the last game. I haven't felt this good about a Street Fighter entry since Third Strike, and obviously it remains to be seen whether this can have that kind of longevity. Regardless, everyone I know who's playing is absolutely fuckin' happy, and you know what? I'm fuckin' happy. It feels so nice seeing the game launch this well after V's clumsy-ass stumble out of the starting gate. I do think there's a special kind of quality to having Street Fighter do good, and attract all this attention even from friends in my circles who don't normally play fighting games, perhaps more good things will come in the end....more fighting game friends.....yes....let's fuckin' go. Yes, I WANT YOU TO PLAY FUCKIN' FIGHTING GAMES!!
For now, I have high hopes.... perhaps a perfect beginning may lead to an even better ending. Rooting for ya champ.
So what can Capcom do to deliver this solid beginning to 6? Well, how about a fun as shit mode where you make your own self-insert, and run around Metro City delivering shoryukens to the back of some old lady's head and initiate fights with everyone you see? A Yakuza-like perhaps, but for me it's Mortal Kombat Deception's Konquest Mode expanded and perfected. It turns out all you need to attract more casual fans is a cool single player mode that just so happens to have a neat fighting game attached to it. Vets like myself love it too, because the Capcom references and lore drops never stop falling on top of you, and the cellphone interactions with the fighters is so fucking adorable. God, it's probably the best mode I've ever played in a fighting game.
Capcom is always Capcom, they do silly things constantly, but here they've proved that they've learned from the last game. I haven't felt this good about a Street Fighter entry since Third Strike, and obviously it remains to be seen whether this can have that kind of longevity. Regardless, everyone I know who's playing is absolutely fuckin' happy, and you know what? I'm fuckin' happy. It feels so nice seeing the game launch this well after V's clumsy-ass stumble out of the starting gate. I do think there's a special kind of quality to having Street Fighter do good, and attract all this attention even from friends in my circles who don't normally play fighting games, perhaps more good things will come in the end....more fighting game friends.....yes....let's fuckin' go. Yes, I WANT YOU TO PLAY FUCKIN' FIGHTING GAMES!!
For now, I have high hopes.... perhaps a perfect beginning may lead to an even better ending. Rooting for ya champ.
WWF Wrestlemania
1988
HULK HOGAN YOU LYING FUCKING JABRONI, YOU TELL ME THIS GAME IS GOOD AFTER CALLING ME "SHIEKY BABY". FUCK YOU. I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING BACK LIKE HOW YOU BROKE MY GODDAMNED HEART YOU LYING MOTHERFUCKER. YOU FUCK WITH ME YOU FUCK WITH YOURSELF!
YOU TELL ME "I LOVE YOU" BEFORE GIVING ME THIS PIECE OF SHIT! YOU NO GOOD MOTHERFUCKER! FOCKIN' BULLSHIT.
spits
YOU TELL ME "I LOVE YOU" BEFORE GIVING ME THIS PIECE OF SHIT! YOU NO GOOD MOTHERFUCKER! FOCKIN' BULLSHIT.
spits
Chopper Attack
1997
Midway executive shuffles into board meeting
"....and it shall be called CHOPPER ATTACK!"
All of them raise their butts into the air and deliver a thunderous applause with their asscheeks
"....and it shall be called CHOPPER ATTACK!"
All of them raise their butts into the air and deliver a thunderous applause with their asscheeks
YOU -- "But what if humanity keeps letting us down?"
STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST -- "Nobody said that fulfilling the proletariat's historic role would be easy. It demands great faith with no promise of tangible reward. But that doesn't mean we can simply give up."
STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST -- "I guess you can say we believe it *because* it's impossible. It's our way of saying we refuse to accept that the world has to remain... like this..."
---
A 2 week old fetid corpse hangs from a tree, a ghastly sight; a human life reduced to a macabre piñata for small children to pelt stones at in a twisted idea of entertainment. The children themselves, a hopped-up junkie and a nameless orphan respectively, both the result of a broken system that has unequivocally failed them. The district of Martinaise, pockmarked by the remnants of revolutionary war, abandoned by the world at large, it and its people subject to the pissing contests of petty government officials to see who is lumped with the task of looking after the place, the site of a months-long, on-the-brink-of-warfare labor dispute that's about to boil over with the lynching of a PMC soldier who was meant to "defuse" the situation. All of this, left to the hands of a suicidal, vice-riddled husk of a cop who can barely get his necktie down from the ceiling fan without potentially going into cardiac arrest. Disco Elysium is an undeniably depressing experience that isn't afraid to cover the messy spectrum of humanity, from insane race-realist phrenologists to meth-addled children to every kind of ghoulish bureaucrat under the sun. The district of Martinaise, as fictional as it is, is a place I've seen before, reflected in the streets, reflected in the people, reflected in the system; an undeniably full-faced look at the horrors faced by those below, and the resulting apathy expressed by those above.
---
SUGGESTION -- Brother, you should put me in front of a firing squad. I have no words for how I failed you.
---
Every aspect of Disco Elysium reflects its overall theme of "failure". Martinaise itself has been failed by the institutions meant to help it, abandoned by the powers that be, who only intervene when it looks like anyone is trying to enact change. NPCs can reminisce on days gone by, of the tragedies in their past, or of their cynical rebuke of the future. The various schools of political thought you can adopt and their representatives are mercilessly picked apart, from the Communists too entrenched in theory to take notice of the suffering around them, to the frankly pathetic fascists who use their prejudiced beliefs to shield themselves from their own flaws. Our protagonist is constantly haunted by his past and even starts the game recovering from his own self-destructive ways, and on a gameplay level, the way that our intrepid detective can fumble the bag in nearly every way imaginable and still be allowed to make progress in investigations and sidequests is commendable. Failure is so integral, so vital to Disco Elysium that it's not only an aspect deeply ingrained in its story, but also its very gameplay.
---
VOLITION [Easy: Success] -- No. This is somewhere to be. This is all you have, but it's still something. Streets and sodium lights. The sky, the world. You're still alive.
---
And yet, despite this cloying cynicism and acknowledgement of the ugliness of reality, Disco Elysium is magical because of the fact that it ultimately believes that there is a world worth fighting for in the end. It would be incredibly easy to be defeatist in the face of such constant, institutional and societal failure we are presented with in Revachol, to be ceaselessly apathetic in the face of your own overwhelming shortcomings, to fall back into the comfort of old vices instead of facing our problems head on. Still, Disco Elysium has that fire inside of it, an untapped hatred for fence-sitting, for passivity in the face of oppression and valuing the status quo over any meaningful change. Roll up your sleeves and fight for a better future.
---
RHETORIC -- "You've built it before, they've built it before. Hasn't really worked out yet, but neither has love -- should we just stop building love, too?"
---
STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST -- "In dark times, should the stars also go out?"
---
RHETORIC -- "Say one of these fascist or communist things or fuck off."
---
Disco Elysium believes in the people. It believes in humanity, no matter how messy our supposed paragons are, or how flawed our beliefs and values can be, or how cyclical we can be in the face of it all. In a city plagued by an inability to move on, Disco Elysium says that there is always a possibility of change. If two broke Communists and a junkie wino can defy the very laws of physics in a slummy apartment, no matter how briefly, with the power of their faith and co-operation; imagine what we could do as a group. As a city. As a species.
Disco Elysium says that the cup is half full. Even if we won't see the own fruits of our labor in our lifetimes, it still looks you in the eyes and says:
"The only promise it offers is that the future can be better than the past, if we're willing to work and fight and die for it," a conviction belted out by the youths of tomorrow.
"Un jour je serai de retour près de toi", written in bright burning letters across a market square.
"TRUE LOVE IS POSSIBLE/ONLY IN THE NEXT WORLD--FOR NEW PEOPLE/IT IS TOO LATE FOR US," painted on the side of an eight-story tenement.
"Disco Inferno...," a lone voice belted out through a boombox's speakers across a frost-bitten sea.
---
MANKIND, BE VIGILANT; WE LOVED YOU
STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST -- "Nobody said that fulfilling the proletariat's historic role would be easy. It demands great faith with no promise of tangible reward. But that doesn't mean we can simply give up."
STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST -- "I guess you can say we believe it *because* it's impossible. It's our way of saying we refuse to accept that the world has to remain... like this..."
---
A 2 week old fetid corpse hangs from a tree, a ghastly sight; a human life reduced to a macabre piñata for small children to pelt stones at in a twisted idea of entertainment. The children themselves, a hopped-up junkie and a nameless orphan respectively, both the result of a broken system that has unequivocally failed them. The district of Martinaise, pockmarked by the remnants of revolutionary war, abandoned by the world at large, it and its people subject to the pissing contests of petty government officials to see who is lumped with the task of looking after the place, the site of a months-long, on-the-brink-of-warfare labor dispute that's about to boil over with the lynching of a PMC soldier who was meant to "defuse" the situation. All of this, left to the hands of a suicidal, vice-riddled husk of a cop who can barely get his necktie down from the ceiling fan without potentially going into cardiac arrest. Disco Elysium is an undeniably depressing experience that isn't afraid to cover the messy spectrum of humanity, from insane race-realist phrenologists to meth-addled children to every kind of ghoulish bureaucrat under the sun. The district of Martinaise, as fictional as it is, is a place I've seen before, reflected in the streets, reflected in the people, reflected in the system; an undeniably full-faced look at the horrors faced by those below, and the resulting apathy expressed by those above.
---
SUGGESTION -- Brother, you should put me in front of a firing squad. I have no words for how I failed you.
---
Every aspect of Disco Elysium reflects its overall theme of "failure". Martinaise itself has been failed by the institutions meant to help it, abandoned by the powers that be, who only intervene when it looks like anyone is trying to enact change. NPCs can reminisce on days gone by, of the tragedies in their past, or of their cynical rebuke of the future. The various schools of political thought you can adopt and their representatives are mercilessly picked apart, from the Communists too entrenched in theory to take notice of the suffering around them, to the frankly pathetic fascists who use their prejudiced beliefs to shield themselves from their own flaws. Our protagonist is constantly haunted by his past and even starts the game recovering from his own self-destructive ways, and on a gameplay level, the way that our intrepid detective can fumble the bag in nearly every way imaginable and still be allowed to make progress in investigations and sidequests is commendable. Failure is so integral, so vital to Disco Elysium that it's not only an aspect deeply ingrained in its story, but also its very gameplay.
---
VOLITION [Easy: Success] -- No. This is somewhere to be. This is all you have, but it's still something. Streets and sodium lights. The sky, the world. You're still alive.
---
And yet, despite this cloying cynicism and acknowledgement of the ugliness of reality, Disco Elysium is magical because of the fact that it ultimately believes that there is a world worth fighting for in the end. It would be incredibly easy to be defeatist in the face of such constant, institutional and societal failure we are presented with in Revachol, to be ceaselessly apathetic in the face of your own overwhelming shortcomings, to fall back into the comfort of old vices instead of facing our problems head on. Still, Disco Elysium has that fire inside of it, an untapped hatred for fence-sitting, for passivity in the face of oppression and valuing the status quo over any meaningful change. Roll up your sleeves and fight for a better future.
---
RHETORIC -- "You've built it before, they've built it before. Hasn't really worked out yet, but neither has love -- should we just stop building love, too?"
---
STEBAN, THE STUDENT COMMUNIST -- "In dark times, should the stars also go out?"
---
RHETORIC -- "Say one of these fascist or communist things or fuck off."
---
Disco Elysium believes in the people. It believes in humanity, no matter how messy our supposed paragons are, or how flawed our beliefs and values can be, or how cyclical we can be in the face of it all. In a city plagued by an inability to move on, Disco Elysium says that there is always a possibility of change. If two broke Communists and a junkie wino can defy the very laws of physics in a slummy apartment, no matter how briefly, with the power of their faith and co-operation; imagine what we could do as a group. As a city. As a species.
Disco Elysium says that the cup is half full. Even if we won't see the own fruits of our labor in our lifetimes, it still looks you in the eyes and says:
"The only promise it offers is that the future can be better than the past, if we're willing to work and fight and die for it," a conviction belted out by the youths of tomorrow.
"Un jour je serai de retour près de toi", written in bright burning letters across a market square.
"TRUE LOVE IS POSSIBLE/ONLY IN THE NEXT WORLD--FOR NEW PEOPLE/IT IS TOO LATE FOR US," painted on the side of an eight-story tenement.
"Disco Inferno...," a lone voice belted out through a boombox's speakers across a frost-bitten sea.
---
MANKIND, BE VIGILANT; WE LOVED YOU
Atomic Heart
2023
another day volunteering at the russian-government funded bioshock museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the fridge. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
Illbleed
2001
She saunters casually, pulse slow and steady, as she meanders through the decrepit halls of Hotel Banballow. The stagnant air, suffocating like a thick fog, stands as a constant reminder of the incendiary fate that befell the manor, alongside the owner’s son, one Jimmy Banballow. Silence hangs heavily through the vacant corridors, an unending moment punctuating the loss of one life and the taking of many others, as the latest victim inches closer to her demise. With Jimmy’s beloved baseball bat clutched stiffly in her palm, caked in an absurd coating of viscera, Eriko Christy makes her way to an eventual dead-end, a one-way confrontation with the man behind the slaughter, Gale Banballow, eternally vengeful over the death of his son. The sharp hiss of a blowtorch begins to pierce through the veil, a siren song signaling a violent end…
Until the tension is cut by another crash test dummy jumping you, hitting you with sidekicks and an oversized wrench, escapable with only the finest of frame-traps and side-steps. Her foe maimed and brutalized, Eriko walks away, a blank stare on her face as she speaks her one-word eulogy: “Cool!”
Illbleed is as sincere as horror gets. Beyond the high-concept of a killer amusement park with a $100 million cash prize, nothing cuts to the inherent silliness of horror like Illbleed. For context, the 90s and early 2000s were an era of introspection and reflection with horror, where metanarrative and critique became the standard through which the genre could express itself. The innate need to satirize and comment on the tropes that solidified the genre itself became a trope, a voice strained by overuse. Thus, sincerity in horror, the wink-and-smile that formed the backbone of the medium, was shattered. However, as film moved further from the side-show roots of 70s and 80s horror, other formats became the realm for celebration of the old-school mentality.
Cue none other than Illbleed. Acting as reflections on the genre’s messy past, the game is split into six episodic stages, each representing different subgenres. Ranging from straightforward slashers to old-school creature-features, each level hinges on classic haunted house scares, pushing you into stories that feel like grinning asides to the audience, less a condemnation or remorse for the source material, and more an acknowledgement and appreciation for the works that inspired it. The jokes aren’t at the expense of classic horror, but out of a sense of love. Laughing with, rather than at them, gives this game a unique viewpoint in gaming.
When I say this, I look at the trend in modern horror games to match the expectation of modern horror films. This is to say, horror games lean toward the self-serious, the unhumorous, all in the name of truly terrifying the player, breaking down the façade of safety fundamental to any indirect medium by way of intense threat and malice. While this manifest sentiment is not a direct failing of the medium or genre, it speaks to the same cynical sarcasm that poisoned the well of horror: a refusal of the genre’s funhouse beginnings, a tacit refusal of the tactless, the tasteless, and the puerile: a refusal of the past, with sights set purely on innovation, truly original thought. Through this lens, games and their depiction of horror barely breach the surface of what the genre is capable of.
Illbleed, on a mechanical level, is flawed, stilted, and representative of a generation of design that has been overwritten and forgotten. But in that same sense, what better way to reflect on the works of the past than by incorporating your medium’s flawed past into that retrospection? What can tie a game to horror’s fraught, tangled past better having remnants of the past be part of the game design itself?
It’s hard to categorize Illbleed as anything more than schlock, a heart kept pounding with the screams of B-movie scares and cheap haunted house tricks, but there’s an intrinsic originality in the energy of the B-movie, of the midnight movie and the genre film. Not only as a work honoring a legacy of horror before it, Illbleed an original exploration on the humor and excess that created the modern horror movie in the first place, which in its own right puts it in a unique place in gaming, especially within the console release scene of the mid-2000s.
As a game bound to bounce off of the majority of players for very valid reasons, it’s difficult to just unabashedly recommend Illbleed as a must-play, or some major strive in the medium of gaming, because… well, it’s not. My love for it stems from an intensely personal place, as my love for this game stems from my love of slasher films, monster flicks, the realms of the gory and the gruesome. To love Illbleed is to love horror, as broken and chaotic as it can be.
Until the tension is cut by another crash test dummy jumping you, hitting you with sidekicks and an oversized wrench, escapable with only the finest of frame-traps and side-steps. Her foe maimed and brutalized, Eriko walks away, a blank stare on her face as she speaks her one-word eulogy: “Cool!”
Illbleed is as sincere as horror gets. Beyond the high-concept of a killer amusement park with a $100 million cash prize, nothing cuts to the inherent silliness of horror like Illbleed. For context, the 90s and early 2000s were an era of introspection and reflection with horror, where metanarrative and critique became the standard through which the genre could express itself. The innate need to satirize and comment on the tropes that solidified the genre itself became a trope, a voice strained by overuse. Thus, sincerity in horror, the wink-and-smile that formed the backbone of the medium, was shattered. However, as film moved further from the side-show roots of 70s and 80s horror, other formats became the realm for celebration of the old-school mentality.
Cue none other than Illbleed. Acting as reflections on the genre’s messy past, the game is split into six episodic stages, each representing different subgenres. Ranging from straightforward slashers to old-school creature-features, each level hinges on classic haunted house scares, pushing you into stories that feel like grinning asides to the audience, less a condemnation or remorse for the source material, and more an acknowledgement and appreciation for the works that inspired it. The jokes aren’t at the expense of classic horror, but out of a sense of love. Laughing with, rather than at them, gives this game a unique viewpoint in gaming.
When I say this, I look at the trend in modern horror games to match the expectation of modern horror films. This is to say, horror games lean toward the self-serious, the unhumorous, all in the name of truly terrifying the player, breaking down the façade of safety fundamental to any indirect medium by way of intense threat and malice. While this manifest sentiment is not a direct failing of the medium or genre, it speaks to the same cynical sarcasm that poisoned the well of horror: a refusal of the genre’s funhouse beginnings, a tacit refusal of the tactless, the tasteless, and the puerile: a refusal of the past, with sights set purely on innovation, truly original thought. Through this lens, games and their depiction of horror barely breach the surface of what the genre is capable of.
Illbleed, on a mechanical level, is flawed, stilted, and representative of a generation of design that has been overwritten and forgotten. But in that same sense, what better way to reflect on the works of the past than by incorporating your medium’s flawed past into that retrospection? What can tie a game to horror’s fraught, tangled past better having remnants of the past be part of the game design itself?
It’s hard to categorize Illbleed as anything more than schlock, a heart kept pounding with the screams of B-movie scares and cheap haunted house tricks, but there’s an intrinsic originality in the energy of the B-movie, of the midnight movie and the genre film. Not only as a work honoring a legacy of horror before it, Illbleed an original exploration on the humor and excess that created the modern horror movie in the first place, which in its own right puts it in a unique place in gaming, especially within the console release scene of the mid-2000s.
As a game bound to bounce off of the majority of players for very valid reasons, it’s difficult to just unabashedly recommend Illbleed as a must-play, or some major strive in the medium of gaming, because… well, it’s not. My love for it stems from an intensely personal place, as my love for this game stems from my love of slasher films, monster flicks, the realms of the gory and the gruesome. To love Illbleed is to love horror, as broken and chaotic as it can be.
Dead Space
2023
It's a pretty standard horror situation. Enter a room. Doors close behind you. Biohazard detected - and you're locked in with it. If you counted the amount of times this sort of thing happened in the dead space series you'd probably need a calculator. But this time, in the medical bay of the USG Ishimura in 2023 it's different. The lights are out. Necromorphs fall from the ceiling, lit up for frames by the impeccably timed remnants of environmental lighting that persists. I pull out the ripper - a buzzsaw launcher essentially - and start just going wild. Flesh squelches, sparks fly off the blade, giving tiny glimpses of the other assailants that threaten Isaac clarke. 30 seconds of near invisible ultraviolence later, and the lights turn on. But I'm still stomping, smashing R2 until the flesh has been pounded to sludge.
And in that moment I wonder. Why couldn't Demons Souls 2020 have been like this?
The ultimate strength of Dead Space '23 is it's willingness to change whilst having immense respect for the source material. Where other developers just lie and tell you that a remake is from the ground up, Dead Space truly is. The layout of the ishimura is changed, the story is vastly expanded, the combat takes a lot of new elements from 2/3, Zero g sections are basically all brand new and there's countless other things. It is in so many ways, nigh unrecognisable. I went back just now to watch some footage of the original and wow, it looks both like ass and almost fundementally different - and yet, DS23 feels unflinchingly faithful to it simultaneously.
The biggest change in aesthetic is the lighting and general ambiance. Whilst scenes like the one mentioned above are standouts, the whole game is far, far darker and more claustrophobic than the original. You're commonly stuck in areas with thick volumetric fogs and gasses, and relying on your torch to see. You will get ambushed more and jumpscared more, no doubt. But the general higher level of focus on this sort of thing feels very "right". The sheer level off fidelity in the game means everything that needs to be legible remains so.
Probably the biggest change overall though is the expansion of the story, particularly with regards to Isaac being a much more active character and actually having a voice, which is a particularly excellent performance from Gunner Wright. Again, it's measured, but goes a long way. The new side stuff is nice too, particularly the hunter sideplot, and just what generally feels like a good second pass on story elements. There's just a whole bunch of little changes that feel like "oh yeah that makes that moment work a bit better" which add up to a pretty hefty improvement. Great stuff!
And it gives me so much pleasure to say it's all just like that. The new layout of the ishimura is spot on, giving it a better sense of space as you can now move inbetween the tram hubs through passageways, and the locations themselves are now more differentiated in aesthetic whilst still clearly all being of the same ishimura "vibe".
I do have some issues with the remake - I do seriously think cutting maybe one or two chapters would improve the game a lot overall as there is a real sense that Isaac is just running errands for like 2/3 of the game and then the plot starts - but I understand that's probably a step too far for many and I get it. It is also a little bit buggy - not bad by any means but when everything is so polished otherwise a few AI quirks and weird effects do stand out a bit - but in the time ive been writing this up a patch has already gone out to fix a fair amount of it.
It's a fantastic remake. On a very similar level to Residen Evil 2's and i think it would be fair to say in many regards it exceeds it. It makes me appreciate that original game more too - a game which packaged together the right bunch of Gen 7 tropes, obvious sci fi horror influences, and cults to put together something that stood out, and for a while the series absolutely gave it's era of Resident Evil a run for it's money.
It really feels like Dead Space has found it's new steward in EA Motive (who have previously only made bad star wars games what the hell) - and I think it speaks to the regard i hold in this remake in that if they go on to make a new Dead Space - i'd be more than good with it.
Still, would have been nice if EA didn't murder this series and Visceral in the first place.
And in that moment I wonder. Why couldn't Demons Souls 2020 have been like this?
The ultimate strength of Dead Space '23 is it's willingness to change whilst having immense respect for the source material. Where other developers just lie and tell you that a remake is from the ground up, Dead Space truly is. The layout of the ishimura is changed, the story is vastly expanded, the combat takes a lot of new elements from 2/3, Zero g sections are basically all brand new and there's countless other things. It is in so many ways, nigh unrecognisable. I went back just now to watch some footage of the original and wow, it looks both like ass and almost fundementally different - and yet, DS23 feels unflinchingly faithful to it simultaneously.
The biggest change in aesthetic is the lighting and general ambiance. Whilst scenes like the one mentioned above are standouts, the whole game is far, far darker and more claustrophobic than the original. You're commonly stuck in areas with thick volumetric fogs and gasses, and relying on your torch to see. You will get ambushed more and jumpscared more, no doubt. But the general higher level of focus on this sort of thing feels very "right". The sheer level off fidelity in the game means everything that needs to be legible remains so.
Probably the biggest change overall though is the expansion of the story, particularly with regards to Isaac being a much more active character and actually having a voice, which is a particularly excellent performance from Gunner Wright. Again, it's measured, but goes a long way. The new side stuff is nice too, particularly the hunter sideplot, and just what generally feels like a good second pass on story elements. There's just a whole bunch of little changes that feel like "oh yeah that makes that moment work a bit better" which add up to a pretty hefty improvement. Great stuff!
And it gives me so much pleasure to say it's all just like that. The new layout of the ishimura is spot on, giving it a better sense of space as you can now move inbetween the tram hubs through passageways, and the locations themselves are now more differentiated in aesthetic whilst still clearly all being of the same ishimura "vibe".
I do have some issues with the remake - I do seriously think cutting maybe one or two chapters would improve the game a lot overall as there is a real sense that Isaac is just running errands for like 2/3 of the game and then the plot starts - but I understand that's probably a step too far for many and I get it. It is also a little bit buggy - not bad by any means but when everything is so polished otherwise a few AI quirks and weird effects do stand out a bit - but in the time ive been writing this up a patch has already gone out to fix a fair amount of it.
It's a fantastic remake. On a very similar level to Residen Evil 2's and i think it would be fair to say in many regards it exceeds it. It makes me appreciate that original game more too - a game which packaged together the right bunch of Gen 7 tropes, obvious sci fi horror influences, and cults to put together something that stood out, and for a while the series absolutely gave it's era of Resident Evil a run for it's money.
It really feels like Dead Space has found it's new steward in EA Motive (who have previously only made bad star wars games what the hell) - and I think it speaks to the regard i hold in this remake in that if they go on to make a new Dead Space - i'd be more than good with it.
Still, would have been nice if EA didn't murder this series and Visceral in the first place.
Pizza Tower
2023
What I Look For In a Life Partner: stereotypically Italian, makes pizza and knows how to perform a spinning piledriver.
You know what I'm tired of? Player characters who only do wimpy attacks like jumping on their enemies, or swiping with their dinky-ass little broadswords. What are ya gonna do with that buster sword? Tickle me to death? I'm here to grapple with every goddamn thing I see, and uppercut them through the ceiling straight into other enemies, initiating a combo and gaining points like an even more sadistic version of bowling. Like a demented pizza-making freight train I dash around colliding into everyone like an Ed Edd n' Eddy character straight outta Hell with nothing to lose. I do a sick body splash too. You see that stupid sunglasses-wearin' pineapple guy? I'm gonna beat the daylights outta him. I hate him! He ruins every pizza he touches! I'm gonna smash you into the ground Pineapple Man!!! BOOM! POW! SMACK!
BRUTALITY IS ME! I AM THE BRUTALIZER!
It kind of goes without saying what Pizza Tower is attempting to mimic. I mean, you know why I'm playing this, and I know why you're probably interested in it. Hell, it even has a golf stage perhaps as an allusion to the third game. Mario is jealous! He is so mad that Wario has better games than him! He can't take it anymore! He politicked to Nintendo and made Wario sit behind a desk to develop microgames for wee ant babies, while Mario continued to hog the spotlight! Denying us more pure Wario games with shoulder charging and butt smashing action! Say no more though, because a wacky Italian pizza chef straight out of some kind of What A Cartoon-ass 90s era CN show is here to deliver the good shit.
In the case of whether you're wondering if it pulls it off well, I personally think it passes with multiple flying colors of some sort. I would even go as far as to say it adds enough to become it's own identity regardless of it's painfully obvious inspiration. Peppino is a big-time brawler that I mesh with as well as tomato sauce and mozzarella, and just when you think the transformations are gonna start repeating they instead just keep cranking out more. Well, except near the end, they kinda go overboard on a certain one involving a semi-ranged weapon that people tend to hate in multiplayer. Still pastrami cool though, and it's gonna be really satisfying once you start making this game your main squeeze and master it to the nth degree.
THE CHECKLIST:
•Heavyweight character move-set with professional wrestling moves [X]
•Collecting shit, but not too much shit. [X]
•Blast Processing [X]
•Sick Boss Fights [X]
•Cartoon Aesthetic [X]
Yup, that's a bunch of boxes checked. Vee is in love maybe. Pizza Tower, I choo-choo-choose you to be my Valentine. Swoon
You know what I'm tired of? Player characters who only do wimpy attacks like jumping on their enemies, or swiping with their dinky-ass little broadswords. What are ya gonna do with that buster sword? Tickle me to death? I'm here to grapple with every goddamn thing I see, and uppercut them through the ceiling straight into other enemies, initiating a combo and gaining points like an even more sadistic version of bowling. Like a demented pizza-making freight train I dash around colliding into everyone like an Ed Edd n' Eddy character straight outta Hell with nothing to lose. I do a sick body splash too. You see that stupid sunglasses-wearin' pineapple guy? I'm gonna beat the daylights outta him. I hate him! He ruins every pizza he touches! I'm gonna smash you into the ground Pineapple Man!!! BOOM! POW! SMACK!
BRUTALITY IS ME! I AM THE BRUTALIZER!
It kind of goes without saying what Pizza Tower is attempting to mimic. I mean, you know why I'm playing this, and I know why you're probably interested in it. Hell, it even has a golf stage perhaps as an allusion to the third game. Mario is jealous! He is so mad that Wario has better games than him! He can't take it anymore! He politicked to Nintendo and made Wario sit behind a desk to develop microgames for wee ant babies, while Mario continued to hog the spotlight! Denying us more pure Wario games with shoulder charging and butt smashing action! Say no more though, because a wacky Italian pizza chef straight out of some kind of What A Cartoon-ass 90s era CN show is here to deliver the good shit.
In the case of whether you're wondering if it pulls it off well, I personally think it passes with multiple flying colors of some sort. I would even go as far as to say it adds enough to become it's own identity regardless of it's painfully obvious inspiration. Peppino is a big-time brawler that I mesh with as well as tomato sauce and mozzarella, and just when you think the transformations are gonna start repeating they instead just keep cranking out more. Well, except near the end, they kinda go overboard on a certain one involving a semi-ranged weapon that people tend to hate in multiplayer. Still pastrami cool though, and it's gonna be really satisfying once you start making this game your main squeeze and master it to the nth degree.
THE CHECKLIST:
•Heavyweight character move-set with professional wrestling moves [X]
•Collecting shit, but not too much shit. [X]
•Blast Processing [X]
•Sick Boss Fights [X]
•Cartoon Aesthetic [X]
Yup, that's a bunch of boxes checked. Vee is in love maybe. Pizza Tower, I choo-choo-choose you to be my Valentine. Swoon
Pikmin
2001
Oh, Pikmin... You're the one game I wish I could play again for the first time.
Growing attached to my small group of Pikmin, really feeling the loss of each individual Pikmin, only to grow into a horde where each death is merely a statistic, a necessary evil to optimize progress... it's a little chilling, and I think the team intended that, with Olimar even finding a certain peace in his position of power over the limited environment he finds himself in despite the deaths of the Pikmin, assuming you're actually good at the game.
But replaying the game is always an interesting experience, even if I won't get those exact same impacts again, or at least as strongly. When I started replaying this game for this playthrough, I'd actually played through half of the entire game in a single night, only realizing at that point that the sun was rising and this game had captivated me like few other games do.
It's eternally compelling, much like Super Mario 64. It's static and unchanging - but how you interact with it is a constantly evolving game that offers something new every single time.
Ignoring my Mario biases for a second, if I were to consider one Nintendo game as their magnum opus, this would be it. From beginning to end, in narrative to gameplay to themes, I think this is the most completely realized in a self-contained work.
It's such a shame the series is kept hostage by its sales. Pikmin deserves better.
Growing attached to my small group of Pikmin, really feeling the loss of each individual Pikmin, only to grow into a horde where each death is merely a statistic, a necessary evil to optimize progress... it's a little chilling, and I think the team intended that, with Olimar even finding a certain peace in his position of power over the limited environment he finds himself in despite the deaths of the Pikmin, assuming you're actually good at the game.
But replaying the game is always an interesting experience, even if I won't get those exact same impacts again, or at least as strongly. When I started replaying this game for this playthrough, I'd actually played through half of the entire game in a single night, only realizing at that point that the sun was rising and this game had captivated me like few other games do.
It's eternally compelling, much like Super Mario 64. It's static and unchanging - but how you interact with it is a constantly evolving game that offers something new every single time.
Ignoring my Mario biases for a second, if I were to consider one Nintendo game as their magnum opus, this would be it. From beginning to end, in narrative to gameplay to themes, I think this is the most completely realized in a self-contained work.
It's such a shame the series is kept hostage by its sales. Pikmin deserves better.
The Medium
2021
Somehow every review I write on this ends up
hampered by issues in clarity,
issues of both creative phrasing and,
technically, meaningful content.
For certain, my critique on the game is simple;
on any grounds, the writing and story are harmful,
routinely espousing the most toxic of views towards victims.
Clearly, Bloober Team relies on shock tactics to earn clout, an
underhanded attempt to earn viral attention through harmful
notions and rhetoric. I'm not writing in clearest terms, and
that could be chalked up to being tired of thinking about this
shit for cunts.
hampered by issues in clarity,
issues of both creative phrasing and,
technically, meaningful content.
For certain, my critique on the game is simple;
on any grounds, the writing and story are harmful,
routinely espousing the most toxic of views towards victims.
Clearly, Bloober Team relies on shock tactics to earn clout, an
underhanded attempt to earn viral attention through harmful
notions and rhetoric. I'm not writing in clearest terms, and
that could be chalked up to being tired of thinking about this
shit for cunts.
When your wheels touched concrete in the summer of 1999, you were sure nothing would ever compare to this. Propelled downhill, less by gravity but more by the venerated asphalt spirit, skaters far and wide convened here, a jam to end all jams. While you were happy doing everything you could, holding on to what you were, you couldn’t help but stare skyward at the street zephyrs soaring suspended; They careened through the air, making waxed wood and molded metal both their playthings. As you crashed down to the soul-shattering gravel, face bloodied and back broken, you could only wonder how they ascended from simple skaterdom, piercing the heavens of the board.
It took a year of shattered bones and busted lines to reclaim those halcyon days. A year of spilt blood and scattered teeth, splintered wood and worn polyurethane. It all felt like a dream then, placing bronze out in Roswell, but the age of simple skating had come and gone. You perfected flatland balance, dual-wheel worship at the altar of Mullen, but even perfection wasn’t enough for elusive gold; the Bullring by the Sea didn’t just cost you your metal, it cost you years of knowing you weren't good enough.
So now we’re here. Somehow, another year felt like two decade’s separation; Gone was the California sun, the first to die in the American Wasteland. A nation of Sparrows and Jackasses, failed projects and unproven theories, crept under wheel, biting at the ankles of the past. The spirit of yesterday was buried underground, leaving today to mourn in remembrance.
Well, maybe for some. The only angels you prayed to struck gold, immortalized in sharp vertexes and warped textures. They would be memorialized not in the world’s destruction, but in a final tour, eight stops; a send-off of olden days.
You forged your craft, refining your spark-casting perfection on the rails of automation, before skating to the north. Calgary’s frost-bitten hospitality was the first real test, but as if guided by Hawk’s holy hand, the snowy providence of Alberta bowed down, hailing 900s and McTwists like the second coming. For the first time in decades, a smile spreads across your face, your cheeks still rosy-red from the icy air…
You blink, and awaken to a crowd cheering your name. Looking down on the masses, faces revered and reviled stare back; Muska, Campbell, Reynolds and Margera. You glance around for Burnquist, hoping to celebrate with the hometown hero, but the master is missing in action. Somehow, you were sure you’d be able to show off this gold to him somewhere down the line.
It repeats, on and on: Suburbia becomes New Jersey, the Airport becomes a Mall. Twenty years made it all blend together. Even now, your second gold medal in hand, it barely feels like you’re awake. When those wheels roll, maple boards of a bygone age, time disappears, rendered in heelflips and darkslides. The pomp and circumstance of it all becomes an excuse, more than anything. In your immortalized element, the past is as real as you remember it.
The final jam beckons; neo-chrome Tokyo glistens, welcoming only the best of the best. The competition rages on, dreams dashed in fractured bones and dislocations. No matter what you do, face-to-face with your idols, no, your contemporaries, there's no break, no chance to cover lost ground. Rivals dwindle as career-ending injuries take one after another, but the legendary Birdman flies past.
Seconds are left in the last heat; only a miracle will change the course of destiny. You think to the future, to the final 900 and the first 1260. As if coming free from its wheels, the board possesses you one last time, as you pivot hard on impact, momentum propelling you into the cosmos.
180. 360. 540.
Tony looks skyward, the same shine that was in your eyes twenty years prior.
Two rotations. The 900. 1080.
Nothing else matters. An amoeba with a mind of its own, an ace of spades, whatever you were and where you come from don't matter. This lone moment, spinning on a golden axis, is what it all comes down to.
Zero seconds. You don't bother looking at the scoreboard; you knew better than to think that's what this is about.
All you were looking for was this lone moment of perfection, a revision of the summer of '99. You wrap your hand tight around your medal - does it even matter what it is? - as you board the plane back to California. Staring out the window, you see the past and future together, a first-hand account of what it's like when worlds collide. You never forget the past, and tomorrow closes in fast, but this single moment is eternal.
All the grand gestures can't ease your wonder. You finally unwrap the medal and take it in.
100% Pure Gold.
It took a year of shattered bones and busted lines to reclaim those halcyon days. A year of spilt blood and scattered teeth, splintered wood and worn polyurethane. It all felt like a dream then, placing bronze out in Roswell, but the age of simple skating had come and gone. You perfected flatland balance, dual-wheel worship at the altar of Mullen, but even perfection wasn’t enough for elusive gold; the Bullring by the Sea didn’t just cost you your metal, it cost you years of knowing you weren't good enough.
So now we’re here. Somehow, another year felt like two decade’s separation; Gone was the California sun, the first to die in the American Wasteland. A nation of Sparrows and Jackasses, failed projects and unproven theories, crept under wheel, biting at the ankles of the past. The spirit of yesterday was buried underground, leaving today to mourn in remembrance.
Well, maybe for some. The only angels you prayed to struck gold, immortalized in sharp vertexes and warped textures. They would be memorialized not in the world’s destruction, but in a final tour, eight stops; a send-off of olden days.
You forged your craft, refining your spark-casting perfection on the rails of automation, before skating to the north. Calgary’s frost-bitten hospitality was the first real test, but as if guided by Hawk’s holy hand, the snowy providence of Alberta bowed down, hailing 900s and McTwists like the second coming. For the first time in decades, a smile spreads across your face, your cheeks still rosy-red from the icy air…
You blink, and awaken to a crowd cheering your name. Looking down on the masses, faces revered and reviled stare back; Muska, Campbell, Reynolds and Margera. You glance around for Burnquist, hoping to celebrate with the hometown hero, but the master is missing in action. Somehow, you were sure you’d be able to show off this gold to him somewhere down the line.
It repeats, on and on: Suburbia becomes New Jersey, the Airport becomes a Mall. Twenty years made it all blend together. Even now, your second gold medal in hand, it barely feels like you’re awake. When those wheels roll, maple boards of a bygone age, time disappears, rendered in heelflips and darkslides. The pomp and circumstance of it all becomes an excuse, more than anything. In your immortalized element, the past is as real as you remember it.
The final jam beckons; neo-chrome Tokyo glistens, welcoming only the best of the best. The competition rages on, dreams dashed in fractured bones and dislocations. No matter what you do, face-to-face with your idols, no, your contemporaries, there's no break, no chance to cover lost ground. Rivals dwindle as career-ending injuries take one after another, but the legendary Birdman flies past.
Seconds are left in the last heat; only a miracle will change the course of destiny. You think to the future, to the final 900 and the first 1260. As if coming free from its wheels, the board possesses you one last time, as you pivot hard on impact, momentum propelling you into the cosmos.
180. 360. 540.
Tony looks skyward, the same shine that was in your eyes twenty years prior.
Two rotations. The 900. 1080.
Nothing else matters. An amoeba with a mind of its own, an ace of spades, whatever you were and where you come from don't matter. This lone moment, spinning on a golden axis, is what it all comes down to.
Zero seconds. You don't bother looking at the scoreboard; you knew better than to think that's what this is about.
All you were looking for was this lone moment of perfection, a revision of the summer of '99. You wrap your hand tight around your medal - does it even matter what it is? - as you board the plane back to California. Staring out the window, you see the past and future together, a first-hand account of what it's like when worlds collide. You never forget the past, and tomorrow closes in fast, but this single moment is eternal.
All the grand gestures can't ease your wonder. You finally unwrap the medal and take it in.
100% Pure Gold.
Batman: Arkham City
2011
Easily one of the best superhero games out there. This is a great Batman title with a memorizing score, amazing portrayals of villains, and a powerful ending that shakes up the storytelling of Batman that we all know. This is a must play game and has aged like fine wine. I had such a blast revisiting this game ten years later.
I spent countless hours on fire pro world, making my rosters, using the steam workshop, learning the controls, but never completed the career mode (I maybe will one day) so I thought I would give its predecessor a try as it’s also critically acclaimed. It’s a great game, great customisation, great match gameplay that i love despite the initial learning curve, once you conquer it, its definitely worth it and the game is even better if you have saves to import custom rosters which always look great thanks to the beautiful 2d graphics( thank you djkm for my save), I love how you can sort the wrestlers in any promotion you like (or make your own) also the wrestlers that are renamed for copyright purposes (I.e AJ Styles is Andy Sprials) the game along with other fire pro games by the looks of it cleverly gives you the option to rename any existing wrestler in the game to anything you like and i know you cant technically complete this game due to no sign of a career or story mode but i completed one round of matchmaker mode (competition) which is one of the games modes but even still overall it’s a great game
This review contains spoilers
Smackdown vs Raw 2009 introduced a mode called Road to Wrestlemania (RTWM) which was a more direct version of what was known as Season mode in many prior titles and 24/7 mode in SVR 2008. Where those games allowed a wide choice of most of the roster, there was hardly a reason to play it more than once as each character would be playing through the same storylines on each playthrough. SVR 09 tried to give each run a more personal taste, by slashing the choices down to 5 storylines 12 weeks in length each, specifically tailored to the featured characters. I have decided to embark on a fruitless task of individually scoring each individual story to encourage me to go through them again for maybe the 22nd time.
Triple H: My man Haitch has his RTWM revolve around one singular decision that splits the path in two ways, reform the defining team of the Attitude Era D-Generation X or the most powerful force of the Ruthless Aggression era by reuniting Evolution? Too bad the path there is clogged with 6 WEEKS of matches against Mr. Kennedy, Edge, or Mr. Kennedy and Edge only broken up by one match vs Randy Orton and one filler match vs Shelton Benjamin. Like seriously, if I ever see Mr. Kennedy again it might be too soon. After a couple tag matches with Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton you make the decision of which to reunite with in a very hands-on manner as the guest referee of a title match between the two. I should mention though you’ve hit about the 10 week mark now so you spend nearly no time with your chosen team. Pick DX and you earn a comical few scenes as in a mock press conference Triple H is pegged as Shawn’s first title defense at Wrestlemania, they goof, they gaff, they slime Evolution, then beat him at the PPV, game over. Side with Randy and perhaps to your dismay you never get the full Evolution experience. One week Ric Flair isn’t there, the next Batista is MIA, H weasels his way into the WM title rematch between Randy and Shawn then you win it. The choice is compelling and the DX reunion is mildly amusing, but you only really have a couple weeks on your chosen path, hardly bearing any consequences for your decision. 3/10
CM Punk: The only RTWM that ECW ever got, Punk’s story starts with an Extreme Rules match against ECW champion Tommy Dreamer who gets a little boo-boo on his ribs and gets stretchered out after you beat him for the title. After seeing this, ECW legend and commentator Tazz decides Extreme Rules matches are da pits brudda, and goes on a crusade against the Extreme in Extreme Championship Wrestling with Stephanie McMahon who strips Punk of his newly won ECW championship and hold it up in a tournament, a tournament that Tommy Dreamer encourages you to get intentionally disqualified from as he still believes in ECW’s hardcore spirit and doesn’t blame Punk for his injury. Steph and Tazz keep you busy with a match at No Way Out against Big Daddy V so you can’t get involved in the tournament final where Elijah Burke is crowned champion. Before ECW can even go on the air two nights later Punk has already stolen the title belt and holds it up in a Last Man Standing match but before Punk can win Tazz runs in from the announcer’s desk uses his patented Tazzmission to Tazz-choke out Punk leaving him down for the Tazz-10-count and Tazz-award the Tazzbelt to Burke. After earning another title shot and winning the belt the next week Burke and Tazz challenge Punk and Tommy Dreamer to a match at Wrestlemania and Steph gives you the choice of Extreme Rules, Steel Cage, or a Table match. After winning that Punk follows up with an immediate offer for a title match with Dreamer in the same stip you chose for the tag match, win that, confetti rains, game over. Punk’s RTWM is a straight line unlike Triple H with no branching choice but ultimately is more satisfying, especially since Tazz is both on commentary and involved in the story so even on commentary Tazz is trying to push his motivations as much as he can. It also gives you the opportunity to dive a little more into the ECW side of the game with flaming tables and other “extreme” features. 6/10
The Undertaker: This one, one of two Smackdown representing RTWMs starts with what seems like a throwaway match against Santino Marella, until the next week when Finlay teases Santino about his ass whooping leading to Santino betting Finlay can’t last as long as he did against Taker, which the game challenges you to prove him right. It can prove difficult if you don’t know it’s coming given the length of Taker’s special moves and the Tombstone Piledriver’s notorious penchant for rope breaks in video games, but succeed and you unlock Hornswoggle as a goddamn summon in exhibition modes. I haven’t mentioned unlockables so far, but that needed special attention. Moving on, either beating Santino and Finlay is so impressive you immediately get title matches, or maybe because you’re just The Undertaker but next week you get a match with The Great Khali for the World Heavyweight Championship, which Santino runs in on for the DQ, shortly followed by Finlay who do no damage to Taker until Santino realizes Taker has a weak spot between the legs just like any other man, leaving The Undertaker laid out at the end of the show. Next Smackdown Santino and Finlay proclaim themselves “The Nu School” and promise “THE MAN” is coming to end Taker’s Wrestlemania undefeated streak. Undertaker does his lights off, lights on teleportation schtick only to be met with a spear from Edge, but they make clear Edge is not “THE MAN”. At the Royal Rumble, Nu School challenges Taker to a match and emerge with The Urn, which in WWE lore has varied between Undertaker’s arcane focus and kryptonite, this time playing the role of kryptonite. Taker is laid out again and the Nu School escape. They reveal on Smackdown The Urn was a gift from “THE MAN” and they have another one too, Kane is under their control due to The Urn. Santino introduces him as “a man you beat three times at Wrestlemania", like that’s supposed to be a threat on The Undertaker’s Road to Wrestlemania? No worries, drop him on his head twice and everything is a-okay (great message). The identity of “THE MAN” is finally revealed at No Way Out as The Boogeyman, which rules, and pokes Kane with his magic red smoke emitting stick which seals Kane’s consciousness or something rad like that probably. Undertaker is given the opportunity to Earn The Urn back in a ladder match against your choice of Santino or Finlay (Finlay is a badass and I’m scared of him so the part here will be played by Santino). Upon victory Undertaker just gives it back, but then the lights go out and it shoots a ray of light into Santino’s face! The effects of The Urn Blast is revealed next week as he turns into a zombie live on The CW! Undertaker uses spooky powers to allow Rey Mysterio to beat his zombified minion then releases him from his captivity only to meet the same fate as Kane by the hands of The Boogeyman. In yet another match with the surviving member of Nu School Boogeyman manages to get his stick on Taker, with no effect, then it’s off to Wrestlemania. Quick detour to a cutscene of Taker kneeling in the ring shooting electricity (OK?), then defend the Wrestlemania undefeated streak of The Undertaker in Hell in a Cell. Boogeyman is chokeslammed into a casket which is struck by a bolt of lightning and disappears presumably sending “THE MAN” straight to hell or Arkansas or somewhere reasonably as terrible. You can probably tell I’ve written much more of the week-to-week happenings than I did for the other two above, for good reason as it’s much more eventful than those others. Besides the dull stretch between the Royal Rumble and No Way Out where truly nothing of consequence happens there was always something to mention. Even delivered through 9 of 12 matches involving Finlay or Santino in some form seeing a huge missed opportunity in the Boogeyman-Undertaker feud that never was is good amount of fun to see play out. 9/10
John Cena: The second of three on the Monday Night Raw side, Cena kicks off with a promo revealing the annual Tribute to the Troops show is next week, and claims to have met good friends the year before, specifically dedicating his next match to Tony. Tony is an original character and if I’m not mistaken is the only time one ever appeared in Road to Wrestlemania, barring the routes in the three games after this built around a character you create yourself. Cena makes quick work of MVP at the show, then Tony makes his first appearance to celebrate with him. On Raw, MVP admits his defeat but claims he had sand in his eye, which means the match should’ve been stopped and takes umbrage with the soldiers in attendance treating Cena as a hero. MVP declares he is officially defecting from the United States because he’s “tired of being treated like less than the best”. After a win over William Regal, JR declares on commentary that as long as Cena remains a US citizen, we’ll be fine. Cena has a match with Umaga at the Royal Rumble, it’s unclear why neither of these two would enter the rumble instead and potentially earn a title shot but, in any case, Regal seems to be hanging around with Umaga or as Regal pronounces it, “Youmainga”. Regal also accompanies Umaga to the Royal Rumble, the reason, as he tells Cena through voicemail, being somebody needs to keep the Samoan Bulldozer under control. MVP eventually interrupts the match and he, Regal, and Umaga engage in a three-on-one beatdown to Cena. Now it’s finally time to officially meet my favorite fictional faction in WWE video games as William Regal plants a flag in the ring on Raw and claims it in the name of Better-Than-U-Topia as Secretary of Foreign Affairs alongside Secretary of Defense Umaga and their President, MVP. Hell. Yeah. But Cena doesn’t have time to even lick his wounds from the Rumble because he’s scheduled for a match with none other than GOD DAMN IT MR. KENNEDY WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. In a nice touch though the Better-Than-U-Topia flag remains attached to the ringpost. It’s the little things. It’s a quick week next as Cena runs in way too late to save Jeff Hardy from a BTUT beatdown but actually fends all three of them off. In what initially looks to just be a filler week with a tag match against BTUT has the wrinkle of Cena’s friend Tony hobbled and using a crutch as some unspecified injury has allowed him to come home from the military. Cena invites him to chill in his locker room so they can chat when the job’s done, but in the span of maybe 40 seconds the match ends (you hear the bell on the TV Tony is watching), MVP beats Tony up, books it full sprint out of the room, and just after Cena has already made it back to his locker room. Maybe you can’t see Cena cause he’s so damn fast. Cena has a Gauntlet match (where each beaten opponent is immediately replaced by a new one until there’s none left) against BTUT at No Way Out. Prior, Regal visits Cena to inform him of extra concessions for Cena since the match is taking place in BTUT, as you remember they planted a flag and claimed the ring. #1: Cena needs a 5-count to win by pinfall. #2: Cena can’t use rope breaks to get out of a pin. #3: Only Cena can be disqualified for a 10-count when out of the ring. Oh, and also MVP blindsides him with a beauty of a spear forcing Cena to go in already injured. This would have been better served for the finale though since Cena wins! BTUT is left with no ground left to stand on after that, even with the post-match assault they lay down afterwards. They lost with all those advantages and there’s still 27 days left before Wrestlemania so it’s all filler from here. Spend a few weeks engaging in simple storyless assaults against a BTUT member, and in case it wasn’t clear we’re just wasting time at this point the Raw before Wrestlemania I HAVE TO FIGHT MR KENNEDY AGAIN GET OUT OF HERE this is just a one off match for nothing it could be anyone on the whole roster just do Carlito or Chavo Guerrero please! And Wrestlemania is just a 15-minute ironman match with MVP, I still did it for you but all that really happens is Tony shows up at the end and hits MVP with a terrible punch. Going into this I was excited but the memories were better. I’d have liked to see MVP, Regal, and Umaga interact more with each other and the lack of that makes me wish they did this group on TV instead where they’d get the time to do so. After No Way Out they wring out 4 more weeks when there’s just nothing left in it, but between the boring start and end is a solid chuck of some pretty entertaining stuff at least. I hate the USA, BTUT forever. 7/10
Chris Jericho: Our beloved Lionheart Y2J’s story begins fairly by the numbers with a simple match meant to earn your way into a 4-man match for a shot at the championship, but after winning somebody steals Jericho’s gimmick and types “WHO WILL SAVE THE SAVIOR? TERMINATE JERICHO” in hacker text on the big screen. Now Jericho is on a mission to find who put up that text and for reasons beyond my understanding his first suspect is our old friend from Taker’s RTWM Finlay, but apparently he had been milling around in the production area at the time…Jericho puts him in his submission move the Walls of Jericho until he agrees to talk, revealing he was given an envelope full of money to play a DVD after Jericho’s match. Y2J has more business to attend to though as he still has the 4-way he qualified for, he just has to beat Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, and mR. KENNEDY C’MON this roster isn't that small just pick anybody else please! Our last protagonist John Cena is living in a better timeline now, as the reigning WWE champion and Jericho earns a match with him at the Royal Rumble. After a tune-up match with Michaels, the jumbo tron lights up again with a new message, this time reading “y2j_terminated@royal.rumble VIRUS DEPLOYING”. As promised, Jericho’s match at the Rumble is interrupted by a masked man with a pipe, beating him down and leaving as another message is displayed, “end_savior.exe championship_dreams>>>>shutdown”. In a mostly filler week, Jericho is hurt but promises to find his assailant, despite assurances from Shane McMahon WWE is commencing an investigation. Next week we’re presented with a suspect list and given our choice between six people to question! I already know my decision of course, my cockroach of a mortal enemy Mr. Kennedy. I know he’s out to get me so I’m not gonna let him waste anymore of my time. Jericho goes straight to his locker room to confront him, but Kennedy is actually just making his way there. Jericho finds the same mask his attacker was wearing in Kennedy’s bag to which he replies “I’m from Green Bay genius, it gets cold there” hurr hurr hurr I bet it does you snake. Jericho teams with Michaels against Mr. Kennedy and Randy Orton so I wipe the floor with that mouthy tool and mark him a prime suspect. Next I target Randy Orton, because anybody who associates with Mr. Kennedy is my Mr. Enemy. Jericho’s angle is the masked man wore camo pants and Orton has a military past, kinda weak, I was more suspicious of the vile smugness of him after he relays that Shane cleared him of any wrongdoing. Either way Shane claims he found someone with no alibi, and sends Jericho to the ring to face him, but Umaga is a good twice as big as our perp so obviously Shane has it out for us too. Y2J marks Orton a prime suspect on the grounds of “he had no good answers” and we move to a new week. I decide Shane seems to be against me too for some reason and choose him as the next interrogation target. He claims he’s just here to help and wasn’t even at the Royal Rumble. Jericho crosses him off the list, so I decide maybe Finlay didn’t give me the whole story and mark him next. Finlay, fresh off a win, is accosted by Jericho backstage and gives him one more good talking to. He’s very forthright with Chris saying he’s in absolutely no hurry to get on Jericho’s bad side again and has been avoiding him as much as possible. Jericho decides he believes him since Finlay is a liar, but not a good one. Beating Jeff Hardy seemed to trigger the messages, so I go to see what he says for himself. Hardy says he was backstage during Jericho’s match and even rooting for him so he couldn’t have done it. Shane just happens to stroll by and puts the two of them against each other in a match. The masked man actually appears during the match, clearly proving it’s not Hardy, and Jericho loses him in a chase backstage. I never got the chance to question Shawn, but it doesn’t matter as the final choice of who to accuse is between Orton and Kennedy. I have no reason to hesitate, Mr. Kennedy is my greatest rival and I know he wants to get rid of me just as much as I want to spray that insect with pesticide. Jericho and Kennedy brawl but a new message appears reading “IVALID SELECTION PASSWORD INCORRECT” and a masked man hits Jericho from behind with another pipe. It must be a mercenary Kennedy hired or something! Jericho is told to take the night off, but he’s peeved that Orton is getting a title shot when Jericho himself has never gotten a rematch after the masked man ruined his shot at Royal Rumble so he runs in to get the match thrown out by DQ. Cena’s a fighting champion though so he’s ticked off at the run-in and just the shenanigans involving masked men in general so he calls out Jericho next week to tell him off about it. Shane sets up a match between them that night which a masked man runs in on again. Suddenly a second masked man joins the fight but Cena helps send them both packing. The next week a lone masked man stands in the ring to call out Y2J, only for Chris to be blindsided by the second masked man, who dramatically pause to finally remove their masks revealing Randy Orton and that BLOND RAT MR. KENNEDY I almost bought that he was innocent. Cena makes the save again and Jericho teams up with him for some payback against Orton and Kennedy. A WWE Championship 4-way match is set for Wrestlemania and I get one more chance to have Kennedy all to myself and really put the boots to that slimy loudmouth before Randy and Cena also get involved and it turns into a big brawl. Jericho gets one particularly satisfying shot at Kennedy by donning the same masked man disguise and suplexing Kennedy on the floor backstage before winning big in the Main Event to close the story. I forgot much more of this story than I thought I did so I was pretty engaged overall. It’s no LA Noire but the mystery is interesting and the short few weeks of conducting your own investigation is fun way of giving Jericho’s path a small bit of non-linearity even if there’s no real consequences for going about it any certain way. The match variety is nice too, it never feels like you’re doing the same match you just did the show before. Jericho has also gotten attention for coming off pretty genuine in his voiceover in these story-based modes so it has that going for it as well. 9/10
Batista/Rey Mysterio: This one is very unique for this game in that you have the option to play this story with a friend, each of you taking control of Batista or Rey for the whole duration. I have to write this one differently though because there isn’t some wacky twist to the story with some all-time silly wrestlecrap to have fun recapping but instead this particular story can diverge in just too many ways to cover, it would be even longer than the other sections I’ve already written. See typically in a RTWM it’s win or retry on the matches, but there are several points where the path can split based on win or loss and then double that because there’s two characters that can take those paths. Even though I can’t go in-depth with it, I promise this story can be very enjoyable with a competitive friend who’s a good sport. Rack the difficulty up to make it a genuine challenge and see where the roads lead based on the results of your matches. Retain or lose the tag titles? That’s two different paths. Based on which of you wins the Royal Rumble that’s two different paths. The one of you that doesn’t win that rumble gets a title match later, and that causes another split based on if you win or lose it, along with different finales based on which of you wins at Wrestlemania. It’s by far the most replayable in the entire game, and there’s a lot of potential to see new things and build a story unique from the last person you played it with. Batista and Rey Mysterio team up to really show the potential of this mode and even though it’s not the funniest, it is the coolest. (Also it’s on Smackdown so there’s no need to keep an eye over your shoulder for that weasel Mr. Kennedy) 10/10
I played Road to Wrestlemania mode in all the Smacdown vs. Raw games frequently especially with their portability on a PSP, but I only recently went out and bought the PS3 version of this game and writing something about it was my inspiration to give them all another shot and this turned into a mildly fun project. I don’t know when or if, but maybe keep an eye out for me doing this all over again in Smackdown vs. Raw 2010.
Triple H: My man Haitch has his RTWM revolve around one singular decision that splits the path in two ways, reform the defining team of the Attitude Era D-Generation X or the most powerful force of the Ruthless Aggression era by reuniting Evolution? Too bad the path there is clogged with 6 WEEKS of matches against Mr. Kennedy, Edge, or Mr. Kennedy and Edge only broken up by one match vs Randy Orton and one filler match vs Shelton Benjamin. Like seriously, if I ever see Mr. Kennedy again it might be too soon. After a couple tag matches with Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton you make the decision of which to reunite with in a very hands-on manner as the guest referee of a title match between the two. I should mention though you’ve hit about the 10 week mark now so you spend nearly no time with your chosen team. Pick DX and you earn a comical few scenes as in a mock press conference Triple H is pegged as Shawn’s first title defense at Wrestlemania, they goof, they gaff, they slime Evolution, then beat him at the PPV, game over. Side with Randy and perhaps to your dismay you never get the full Evolution experience. One week Ric Flair isn’t there, the next Batista is MIA, H weasels his way into the WM title rematch between Randy and Shawn then you win it. The choice is compelling and the DX reunion is mildly amusing, but you only really have a couple weeks on your chosen path, hardly bearing any consequences for your decision. 3/10
CM Punk: The only RTWM that ECW ever got, Punk’s story starts with an Extreme Rules match against ECW champion Tommy Dreamer who gets a little boo-boo on his ribs and gets stretchered out after you beat him for the title. After seeing this, ECW legend and commentator Tazz decides Extreme Rules matches are da pits brudda, and goes on a crusade against the Extreme in Extreme Championship Wrestling with Stephanie McMahon who strips Punk of his newly won ECW championship and hold it up in a tournament, a tournament that Tommy Dreamer encourages you to get intentionally disqualified from as he still believes in ECW’s hardcore spirit and doesn’t blame Punk for his injury. Steph and Tazz keep you busy with a match at No Way Out against Big Daddy V so you can’t get involved in the tournament final where Elijah Burke is crowned champion. Before ECW can even go on the air two nights later Punk has already stolen the title belt and holds it up in a Last Man Standing match but before Punk can win Tazz runs in from the announcer’s desk uses his patented Tazzmission to Tazz-choke out Punk leaving him down for the Tazz-10-count and Tazz-award the Tazzbelt to Burke. After earning another title shot and winning the belt the next week Burke and Tazz challenge Punk and Tommy Dreamer to a match at Wrestlemania and Steph gives you the choice of Extreme Rules, Steel Cage, or a Table match. After winning that Punk follows up with an immediate offer for a title match with Dreamer in the same stip you chose for the tag match, win that, confetti rains, game over. Punk’s RTWM is a straight line unlike Triple H with no branching choice but ultimately is more satisfying, especially since Tazz is both on commentary and involved in the story so even on commentary Tazz is trying to push his motivations as much as he can. It also gives you the opportunity to dive a little more into the ECW side of the game with flaming tables and other “extreme” features. 6/10
The Undertaker: This one, one of two Smackdown representing RTWMs starts with what seems like a throwaway match against Santino Marella, until the next week when Finlay teases Santino about his ass whooping leading to Santino betting Finlay can’t last as long as he did against Taker, which the game challenges you to prove him right. It can prove difficult if you don’t know it’s coming given the length of Taker’s special moves and the Tombstone Piledriver’s notorious penchant for rope breaks in video games, but succeed and you unlock Hornswoggle as a goddamn summon in exhibition modes. I haven’t mentioned unlockables so far, but that needed special attention. Moving on, either beating Santino and Finlay is so impressive you immediately get title matches, or maybe because you’re just The Undertaker but next week you get a match with The Great Khali for the World Heavyweight Championship, which Santino runs in on for the DQ, shortly followed by Finlay who do no damage to Taker until Santino realizes Taker has a weak spot between the legs just like any other man, leaving The Undertaker laid out at the end of the show. Next Smackdown Santino and Finlay proclaim themselves “The Nu School” and promise “THE MAN” is coming to end Taker’s Wrestlemania undefeated streak. Undertaker does his lights off, lights on teleportation schtick only to be met with a spear from Edge, but they make clear Edge is not “THE MAN”. At the Royal Rumble, Nu School challenges Taker to a match and emerge with The Urn, which in WWE lore has varied between Undertaker’s arcane focus and kryptonite, this time playing the role of kryptonite. Taker is laid out again and the Nu School escape. They reveal on Smackdown The Urn was a gift from “THE MAN” and they have another one too, Kane is under their control due to The Urn. Santino introduces him as “a man you beat three times at Wrestlemania", like that’s supposed to be a threat on The Undertaker’s Road to Wrestlemania? No worries, drop him on his head twice and everything is a-okay (great message). The identity of “THE MAN” is finally revealed at No Way Out as The Boogeyman, which rules, and pokes Kane with his magic red smoke emitting stick which seals Kane’s consciousness or something rad like that probably. Undertaker is given the opportunity to Earn The Urn back in a ladder match against your choice of Santino or Finlay (Finlay is a badass and I’m scared of him so the part here will be played by Santino). Upon victory Undertaker just gives it back, but then the lights go out and it shoots a ray of light into Santino’s face! The effects of The Urn Blast is revealed next week as he turns into a zombie live on The CW! Undertaker uses spooky powers to allow Rey Mysterio to beat his zombified minion then releases him from his captivity only to meet the same fate as Kane by the hands of The Boogeyman. In yet another match with the surviving member of Nu School Boogeyman manages to get his stick on Taker, with no effect, then it’s off to Wrestlemania. Quick detour to a cutscene of Taker kneeling in the ring shooting electricity (OK?), then defend the Wrestlemania undefeated streak of The Undertaker in Hell in a Cell. Boogeyman is chokeslammed into a casket which is struck by a bolt of lightning and disappears presumably sending “THE MAN” straight to hell or Arkansas or somewhere reasonably as terrible. You can probably tell I’ve written much more of the week-to-week happenings than I did for the other two above, for good reason as it’s much more eventful than those others. Besides the dull stretch between the Royal Rumble and No Way Out where truly nothing of consequence happens there was always something to mention. Even delivered through 9 of 12 matches involving Finlay or Santino in some form seeing a huge missed opportunity in the Boogeyman-Undertaker feud that never was is good amount of fun to see play out. 9/10
John Cena: The second of three on the Monday Night Raw side, Cena kicks off with a promo revealing the annual Tribute to the Troops show is next week, and claims to have met good friends the year before, specifically dedicating his next match to Tony. Tony is an original character and if I’m not mistaken is the only time one ever appeared in Road to Wrestlemania, barring the routes in the three games after this built around a character you create yourself. Cena makes quick work of MVP at the show, then Tony makes his first appearance to celebrate with him. On Raw, MVP admits his defeat but claims he had sand in his eye, which means the match should’ve been stopped and takes umbrage with the soldiers in attendance treating Cena as a hero. MVP declares he is officially defecting from the United States because he’s “tired of being treated like less than the best”. After a win over William Regal, JR declares on commentary that as long as Cena remains a US citizen, we’ll be fine. Cena has a match with Umaga at the Royal Rumble, it’s unclear why neither of these two would enter the rumble instead and potentially earn a title shot but, in any case, Regal seems to be hanging around with Umaga or as Regal pronounces it, “Youmainga”. Regal also accompanies Umaga to the Royal Rumble, the reason, as he tells Cena through voicemail, being somebody needs to keep the Samoan Bulldozer under control. MVP eventually interrupts the match and he, Regal, and Umaga engage in a three-on-one beatdown to Cena. Now it’s finally time to officially meet my favorite fictional faction in WWE video games as William Regal plants a flag in the ring on Raw and claims it in the name of Better-Than-U-Topia as Secretary of Foreign Affairs alongside Secretary of Defense Umaga and their President, MVP. Hell. Yeah. But Cena doesn’t have time to even lick his wounds from the Rumble because he’s scheduled for a match with none other than GOD DAMN IT MR. KENNEDY WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. In a nice touch though the Better-Than-U-Topia flag remains attached to the ringpost. It’s the little things. It’s a quick week next as Cena runs in way too late to save Jeff Hardy from a BTUT beatdown but actually fends all three of them off. In what initially looks to just be a filler week with a tag match against BTUT has the wrinkle of Cena’s friend Tony hobbled and using a crutch as some unspecified injury has allowed him to come home from the military. Cena invites him to chill in his locker room so they can chat when the job’s done, but in the span of maybe 40 seconds the match ends (you hear the bell on the TV Tony is watching), MVP beats Tony up, books it full sprint out of the room, and just after Cena has already made it back to his locker room. Maybe you can’t see Cena cause he’s so damn fast. Cena has a Gauntlet match (where each beaten opponent is immediately replaced by a new one until there’s none left) against BTUT at No Way Out. Prior, Regal visits Cena to inform him of extra concessions for Cena since the match is taking place in BTUT, as you remember they planted a flag and claimed the ring. #1: Cena needs a 5-count to win by pinfall. #2: Cena can’t use rope breaks to get out of a pin. #3: Only Cena can be disqualified for a 10-count when out of the ring. Oh, and also MVP blindsides him with a beauty of a spear forcing Cena to go in already injured. This would have been better served for the finale though since Cena wins! BTUT is left with no ground left to stand on after that, even with the post-match assault they lay down afterwards. They lost with all those advantages and there’s still 27 days left before Wrestlemania so it’s all filler from here. Spend a few weeks engaging in simple storyless assaults against a BTUT member, and in case it wasn’t clear we’re just wasting time at this point the Raw before Wrestlemania I HAVE TO FIGHT MR KENNEDY AGAIN GET OUT OF HERE this is just a one off match for nothing it could be anyone on the whole roster just do Carlito or Chavo Guerrero please! And Wrestlemania is just a 15-minute ironman match with MVP, I still did it for you but all that really happens is Tony shows up at the end and hits MVP with a terrible punch. Going into this I was excited but the memories were better. I’d have liked to see MVP, Regal, and Umaga interact more with each other and the lack of that makes me wish they did this group on TV instead where they’d get the time to do so. After No Way Out they wring out 4 more weeks when there’s just nothing left in it, but between the boring start and end is a solid chuck of some pretty entertaining stuff at least. I hate the USA, BTUT forever. 7/10
Chris Jericho: Our beloved Lionheart Y2J’s story begins fairly by the numbers with a simple match meant to earn your way into a 4-man match for a shot at the championship, but after winning somebody steals Jericho’s gimmick and types “WHO WILL SAVE THE SAVIOR? TERMINATE JERICHO” in hacker text on the big screen. Now Jericho is on a mission to find who put up that text and for reasons beyond my understanding his first suspect is our old friend from Taker’s RTWM Finlay, but apparently he had been milling around in the production area at the time…Jericho puts him in his submission move the Walls of Jericho until he agrees to talk, revealing he was given an envelope full of money to play a DVD after Jericho’s match. Y2J has more business to attend to though as he still has the 4-way he qualified for, he just has to beat Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, and mR. KENNEDY C’MON this roster isn't that small just pick anybody else please! Our last protagonist John Cena is living in a better timeline now, as the reigning WWE champion and Jericho earns a match with him at the Royal Rumble. After a tune-up match with Michaels, the jumbo tron lights up again with a new message, this time reading “y2j_terminated@royal.rumble VIRUS DEPLOYING”. As promised, Jericho’s match at the Rumble is interrupted by a masked man with a pipe, beating him down and leaving as another message is displayed, “end_savior.exe championship_dreams>>>>shutdown”. In a mostly filler week, Jericho is hurt but promises to find his assailant, despite assurances from Shane McMahon WWE is commencing an investigation. Next week we’re presented with a suspect list and given our choice between six people to question! I already know my decision of course, my cockroach of a mortal enemy Mr. Kennedy. I know he’s out to get me so I’m not gonna let him waste anymore of my time. Jericho goes straight to his locker room to confront him, but Kennedy is actually just making his way there. Jericho finds the same mask his attacker was wearing in Kennedy’s bag to which he replies “I’m from Green Bay genius, it gets cold there” hurr hurr hurr I bet it does you snake. Jericho teams with Michaels against Mr. Kennedy and Randy Orton so I wipe the floor with that mouthy tool and mark him a prime suspect. Next I target Randy Orton, because anybody who associates with Mr. Kennedy is my Mr. Enemy. Jericho’s angle is the masked man wore camo pants and Orton has a military past, kinda weak, I was more suspicious of the vile smugness of him after he relays that Shane cleared him of any wrongdoing. Either way Shane claims he found someone with no alibi, and sends Jericho to the ring to face him, but Umaga is a good twice as big as our perp so obviously Shane has it out for us too. Y2J marks Orton a prime suspect on the grounds of “he had no good answers” and we move to a new week. I decide Shane seems to be against me too for some reason and choose him as the next interrogation target. He claims he’s just here to help and wasn’t even at the Royal Rumble. Jericho crosses him off the list, so I decide maybe Finlay didn’t give me the whole story and mark him next. Finlay, fresh off a win, is accosted by Jericho backstage and gives him one more good talking to. He’s very forthright with Chris saying he’s in absolutely no hurry to get on Jericho’s bad side again and has been avoiding him as much as possible. Jericho decides he believes him since Finlay is a liar, but not a good one. Beating Jeff Hardy seemed to trigger the messages, so I go to see what he says for himself. Hardy says he was backstage during Jericho’s match and even rooting for him so he couldn’t have done it. Shane just happens to stroll by and puts the two of them against each other in a match. The masked man actually appears during the match, clearly proving it’s not Hardy, and Jericho loses him in a chase backstage. I never got the chance to question Shawn, but it doesn’t matter as the final choice of who to accuse is between Orton and Kennedy. I have no reason to hesitate, Mr. Kennedy is my greatest rival and I know he wants to get rid of me just as much as I want to spray that insect with pesticide. Jericho and Kennedy brawl but a new message appears reading “IVALID SELECTION PASSWORD INCORRECT” and a masked man hits Jericho from behind with another pipe. It must be a mercenary Kennedy hired or something! Jericho is told to take the night off, but he’s peeved that Orton is getting a title shot when Jericho himself has never gotten a rematch after the masked man ruined his shot at Royal Rumble so he runs in to get the match thrown out by DQ. Cena’s a fighting champion though so he’s ticked off at the run-in and just the shenanigans involving masked men in general so he calls out Jericho next week to tell him off about it. Shane sets up a match between them that night which a masked man runs in on again. Suddenly a second masked man joins the fight but Cena helps send them both packing. The next week a lone masked man stands in the ring to call out Y2J, only for Chris to be blindsided by the second masked man, who dramatically pause to finally remove their masks revealing Randy Orton and that BLOND RAT MR. KENNEDY I almost bought that he was innocent. Cena makes the save again and Jericho teams up with him for some payback against Orton and Kennedy. A WWE Championship 4-way match is set for Wrestlemania and I get one more chance to have Kennedy all to myself and really put the boots to that slimy loudmouth before Randy and Cena also get involved and it turns into a big brawl. Jericho gets one particularly satisfying shot at Kennedy by donning the same masked man disguise and suplexing Kennedy on the floor backstage before winning big in the Main Event to close the story. I forgot much more of this story than I thought I did so I was pretty engaged overall. It’s no LA Noire but the mystery is interesting and the short few weeks of conducting your own investigation is fun way of giving Jericho’s path a small bit of non-linearity even if there’s no real consequences for going about it any certain way. The match variety is nice too, it never feels like you’re doing the same match you just did the show before. Jericho has also gotten attention for coming off pretty genuine in his voiceover in these story-based modes so it has that going for it as well. 9/10
Batista/Rey Mysterio: This one is very unique for this game in that you have the option to play this story with a friend, each of you taking control of Batista or Rey for the whole duration. I have to write this one differently though because there isn’t some wacky twist to the story with some all-time silly wrestlecrap to have fun recapping but instead this particular story can diverge in just too many ways to cover, it would be even longer than the other sections I’ve already written. See typically in a RTWM it’s win or retry on the matches, but there are several points where the path can split based on win or loss and then double that because there’s two characters that can take those paths. Even though I can’t go in-depth with it, I promise this story can be very enjoyable with a competitive friend who’s a good sport. Rack the difficulty up to make it a genuine challenge and see where the roads lead based on the results of your matches. Retain or lose the tag titles? That’s two different paths. Based on which of you wins the Royal Rumble that’s two different paths. The one of you that doesn’t win that rumble gets a title match later, and that causes another split based on if you win or lose it, along with different finales based on which of you wins at Wrestlemania. It’s by far the most replayable in the entire game, and there’s a lot of potential to see new things and build a story unique from the last person you played it with. Batista and Rey Mysterio team up to really show the potential of this mode and even though it’s not the funniest, it is the coolest. (Also it’s on Smackdown so there’s no need to keep an eye over your shoulder for that weasel Mr. Kennedy) 10/10
I played Road to Wrestlemania mode in all the Smacdown vs. Raw games frequently especially with their portability on a PSP, but I only recently went out and bought the PS3 version of this game and writing something about it was my inspiration to give them all another shot and this turned into a mildly fun project. I don’t know when or if, but maybe keep an eye out for me doing this all over again in Smackdown vs. Raw 2010.