this shit got known ape murderer clayton goin gunslinger with the dante jump, there's a guy fieri behemoth, everyone looks like they're in the middle of animorphing into bratz, and it's still one of the most holistically accomplished games square's ever made

and I don't wanna hear a bitch say they're too sophisticated for riku and the paopu fruit. I don't wanna hear you're too cool to tech the ice titan or fuck up james woods. when beast rolls up that's hype. when haley joel osment says "you're stupid" it channels the most authentic childhood frustration ever with the million dollar voice crack. I'm sorry I ever said anything about nomura's big dumb shoes. if that's what it takes to design something like this make em even bigger for all I care. make em fuckin huge. I'll visit the shoe world if I gotta

the entire postgame's an exercise in stretching and bending your toolkit into different shapes to respond to increasingly idiosyncratic scenarios. the list of strategies for sniperwilds and heated contention about which is optimal (I like firaga) would make your mind melt. it's got perfect pacing, striking presentation, a rock solid mechanical backbone, and the cutest halloween outfit. kingdom hearts kinda rules

you can hurl a big ass key at sephiroth, build your gummi ship all jacked up, slump cloud and squall simultaneously, and recant every bad thing you ever said about the combat after playing proud mode

if you set aside your terminal irony poisoning and/or castle wall cynicism for a sec you can even engage with its earnest exploration of (pre)teen emotionalism and use of familiar pop elements as archetypal shorthand to meet adolescence someplace known and understood and maybe come away with better grasp of its enduring resonance beyond the chimeric childhood vhs premise

who knows

This is kind of irrelevant, but I just wanted to mention that I, somehow, have completely avoided Ubisoft for my whole life. The only Ubisoft game I've played - that they've actually developed - is Batman Vengeance on GBA, and I kind of feel like I shouldn't even count it. This is my first one; and considering this is actually a crossover between some Tom Clancy games, Far Cry, and Watch Dogs, that's a bit silly.

Anyhow, this game isn't for me. Call of Duty already has frustrating multiplayer (skill issue, admittedly), but the overall good maps and class customization makes up for it. I didn't really feel I had as many choices in this game - frankly I've never cared for giving certain classes certain attributes, I just don't like it - and the maps mostly sucked. There were some I liked, but overall everything is a very jungle gym design, and there's no spot where I felt relative safety. Sure, it's a warzone, and you're never truly safe in these kinds of games, but being able to pause for a few seconds is nice, and I don't really feel as though I get that here.

I played around fifteen matches of this game. I'd say two of those were a great time, half weren't bad, and then the rest were stinky. It's not really a fun-to-not-fun ratio that I feel is worth continuing playing - and definitely not worth spending money on. But that's the good thing; it's free, and I don't think there's really much reason to spend money unless you just really like the other skins or something.

Shoutout to the practice arena which had a bunch of Rabbids everywhere. I think a lot of people still hate seeing those guys, but I do get some whimsy out of them seeming to love the guys internally.

It's Summah once again!

What's that? Not according to the Gregorian calendar? Pfft. I follow the Kremer calendar, and it says Summah begins when the thermostat hits 90 degrees. Well guess what? There's a heat advisory all next week, highs in the 110's, which means Summah's back and this time it intends to kill us all. Luckly, I am a willing sacrifice.

But I can't succumb to a glorious Summah stroke just as the season's begun, which means my normal workout routine of smashing back two cans of NOS, scream-sprinting 10km to the local community college and ripping bushes directly out of the ground is too "high risk." I'm afraid this year I'll need to get virtual, which is why I picked up a copy of DecAthlete for the Sega Saturn.

DecAthelete is a small collection of Olympic sporting events with rudimentary controls, most of which amount to mashing a button as rapidly as possible or in time to what's happening on screen. For someone like me who has aged, arthritic hands, this is actually something of a real workout. My arm was burning by the time I finished this game. It's for a younger crowd, not a man well into his 30s whose body is rapidly falling apart because massive quantities of CMPLX6 have accumulated in their joints. Ooough... it's ok, i just.... i need more of the juice

Although you could look at this very reductively and write it off as a basic, barebones collection of minigames based off real-world sporting events, it's the presentation that pulls it all together into something a bit more charming and worthy of your time than that. I could see someone finding it all to be a bit mundane, but I think DecAthelete works as a nice, breezy little arcade game that you can pick up and play for 30-40 minutes. Far from a hidden gem but worth grabbing for its low aftermarket price (if you're going for a Japanese copy.)

BUT IS IT A SUMMAH GAME?

Working out under blue skies, wearing cute short shorts, and caving in someone's skull by accidentally throwing the shot put into the stands... don't get much more Summah than that! The ensuing foot chase with the authorities only increases my Summah fitness.

As with last year, I've put this game through a series of tests, which included a hurdle race. Though DecAthelete failed to clear a single hurdle and simply laid there on the ground like a bum, I assume it merely wanted to bask in the hot Summah sun. A perfectly fine excuse to put off such rigorous activities. I sympathize, DecAthelete.

However, this year I've decided to be more transparent, and am sharing my methodology: the weighted Summah Index Scale, on which DecAthele has earned a 77.25, placing it on the mid-low end of being a Summah game.

shit the cops found me fuc k

|| NEXT REVIEW >>

silentchad2004:
using data mining, conventional mining, divination, and star charts I've uncovered shocking lore implications involving the 1999 teen choice awards, eddie's skull circumference, and the last herakleopolitan pharaohs that challenge everything you thought you knew about james. it all starts with the hex code for his jacket, which I'm sure many of you already noticed is #303828, a clear reference to the roland TB-303 commonly used in chicago acid house. to understand this better we'll first need to return to the topic of jean baptiste point du sable's whereabouts in 1780 and how they tie in directly with merikare of the 10th dynasty[...]

the fans:
obviously. it's soo obvious

masahiro ito:
😭😭😭

I never know how to write shit about Mario Party cause like you generally know what the fuck you're getting into with these games. Like there's just not all that much to talk about with it. I do think this one has more than enough content to work towards that is more interesting in actual replayability, the star bank and being able to unlock a map, some more minigames and characters is nice, it's mainly why this was like my childhood MP.

I think the games are absolutely who ya play them with and the little moments ya share with them. So like before I played this with two of my besties (Appreciations and Weatherby) and had pretty great times.

Ya got shit like Bowser Jr hitting a like 3080 on the snowboarding minigame like the cheating little shit he is, us all clowning on Bowser Jr constantly, me losing at that one dogshit bumper car bump-o-rama battle minigame cause the controls are so so so ass, buying cheap wine and just laughing about stupid bullshit happening in game.

Mario Party ain't about Mario Party, it's about chilling with people and slamming back some cheap ass wine while the game itself fucks you over in the dumbest ways possible or clearly sets you up to just lose the entire game. Even if I never play this again I will always keep these memories pretty close to my heart as very special cherished times.

My continued vendetta against Bowser Jr grows stronger with each passing day. One day I'll get him back for stealing 5 of my stars that son of a bitch.

Gave myself a day to kinda just sit with the whole experience of my first playthrough. Xenogears is one of those games that kinda just existed within the culture in a way where I always heard people vaguely gesture at its greatness, but never actually got any full details about what exactly made it so great. So for years and years and years and years and years I kinda just kept putting it off, playing many other games before and after it, hearing about its complexities but never really the details as of what those complexities were. Finally experiencing it for myself I completely get it.

An experience that is some parts Neon Genesis Evangelion, some parts Gundam some parts sci-fi novels and films, Xenogears wears all of its inspirations firmly on its sleeve and proudly bears it all as it goes into its own psychological, religious explorations of the self.

The ways in which it talks about running away from your problems rather than dealing with them and how that inevitably comes to bite you in the ass, there's a quite good example with the martial arts tournament you enter that genuinely surprised me when it happened.

The ways it delves into how trauma can inform and explain behaviors, can cause people to drift one way or another instead of facing the real problems within themselves, be lead to more and differing kinds of abuses, or completely shut themselves down due to their inability to truly cope with the things that've happened to them. But it also firmly discusses how important it is to continue to live, to continue to fight and go on despite the struggles we face in life, how we have to take responsibility for ourselves and the things we do despite our traumas, that again our traumas can be an explanation for behaviors and actions you may take, but at the end of the day you have to be responsible for your own actions.

There are a few characters I do wish were able to get more from the story (Rico, Maria, Chu Chu) and the very clear rushing of things does absolutely fuck with what was clearly supposed to be this ambitious and sprawling experience, though I will say in spite of the clear rush job that Disc 2 ends up as, I genuinely still quite loved the way they handle the presentation and style. Some of the quick cuts are really sharp and effective, I dig the kinda play stage type beat they do for some of the cutscenes they didn't have time to fully make enviornments for, I like the way they frame each part from differing characters POV's. There's a lot of cool things that make that second disc really interesting, kinda reflecting episodes 25 and 26 of NGE in ways.

It's such a strange feeling in ways cause like I kinda despised the gameplay at times (ground combat relies a bit too heavily on deathblows and grinding them out where-as I feel like the Gear combat is a bit better balanced in terms of building up to your deathblows and having to strategically manage your fuel levels in interesting ways). But even though I wasn't huge on the combat or some of the dungeon design (fuck Babel Tower) the whole thing just really came together for me. Everything it was doing was absolutely fuckin aces, it honestly reminded me of watching NGE for the first time as a teenager AS WELL AS watching both Shiki-Jitsu and Rebuild of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 with what exactly it was going for in its messaging and just how much it resonated with me. How much Fei's character arc resonated with me, how dense and packed of an experience it was overall.

I think I can safely say that I'm getting into the series cause I wanna see what else can come from anyone involved who was able to put this together.

I played this for a project I'm working on with some friends and wooooow this is noooot for me lmao.

Analog Horror type beats have never particularly been my thing but I can vibe with a kinda "x but it's off and kinda creepy" type experience especially if it eases you into that experience after instilling a false sense of security with you.

The problem here is that it kinda just goes down the list of the most obvious creepypasta tropes that you could possibly go for from the word go, like you would think that maybe it would hold off on some of its more creepypasta ass shit for at least a little bit but nah, I feel like it's designed that way to keep a youtube/twitch audience engaged (and I mean it has a streamer mode so I definitely think that's what's up).

It especially feels bizarre when the 3rd act of the game actually feels like it does something far creepier and far more interesting with its concept and the kinda connection and trust we allow programs to have on our computers without fully really thinking much about it sometimes.

It just all feels squandered in the way its all wrapped up and presented. Like if this leaned far more into stuff like the complete access/building you something from that, I really think this could've been something way more interesting than it was but I feel the ARG/Youtuber/Streamer/Game Theorist bait it lays out constantly just had me rolling my eyes the entire time.

Defo for a certain audience and hey more power to them but like I need a little more from something like this. I will say, the visual design and audio design though is perfectly done and I do really think that this person has a lot of potential to make something really special.

Also Kinito asked me what my favorite game was, I said Koudelka and he pulled up Control so frankly he's a fraud.

Angel_Arle Rockman reviews
Part 1: Rockman for Famicom
Part 2: Rockman 2: Dr. Wily no Nazo for Famicom
Part 3: Rockman 3: Dr. Wily no Saigo!? for Famicom
Part 4: Rockman World for GB
Part 5: Rockman 4: Aratanaru Yabou!! for Famicom
Part 6: Rockman World 2 for GB
Part 8: Rockman World 3 for GB
Part 9: Wily & Right no RockBoard: That's Paradise for Famicom
Part 10: Rockman World 4 for GB
Part 11: Rockman 6: Shijō Saidai no Tatakai!! for Famicom
Part 12: Rockman's Soccer for Super Famicom
Part 13: Rockman World 5 for GB

We’re in the 7th part of this review series and it’s another action platformer on the Famicom. I’m surprised Capcom still even had good ideas left for the franchise and this isn’t even the last game on the console. If Rockman 5: Blues no Wana!? (Translated as Rockman 5: Blues’ Trap!?) is known for one thing, I’d have to say it’s being one of the least liked of the Famicom games. I’ve never really seen anyone say this is their favorite though I’m sure they exist. I was hoping playing this again would change my mind on it like with 4 but well let’s get into it.

So what’s the plot this time? Well after two months from Rockman 4, Rock begins to ask Dr. Right about who exactly Blues is. Dr. Right reluctant to give an answer when suddenly Dr. Cossack let them know a new creation named Beat the Bird was finished. Rockman goes out to retrieve him but it gives the chance for evil to attack and not only that it appears Blues is their leader. Dr. Right calls Rockman back for an emergency but it was too late as Blues kidnapped him. With no time to think, Rockman sets forth to put a stop to Blues and his eight Robot Masters that he somehow has. Now I wanna point something out, a video I watched for this game said the japanese manual spoils what happens later on. I tried to read this manual and could not find where it says this outside of Rockman not believing it was Blues so if you wanna call me out for just not seeing it in the manual then go right ahead.

There is barely anything to add in terms of controls or new mechanics. All that’s been added for this one is the new Super Rock Buster. Yes already they’re doing another new Buster. It’s a more powerful charge size and power wise compared to 4’s New Rock Buster but it has the side effect of losing the charge when you get hit. It should be noted it was Dr. Cossack who developed this new Buster so that’s nice of him.

Let’s just discuss this now, Rockman 5 is easy. Like it is a very easy game that even the PS1 release I’ll go over in the future called it the Easy Rockman game. While it’s not Rockman World 2 easy, it can feel like it at times. That said however, stage design still follows a lot of what made Rockman 4 very good. You got the likes of the interesting yet deceptive gravity of Gravity Man’s stage, the falling crystals of Crystal Man’s stage, and then just Vietnam from Napalm Man’s stage. That said however not every stage is all that great. You got stuff like Charge Man and Gyro Man’s stages being just alright but nothing outstanding. Then you have Wave Man’s which has a cool pipe leak hazard, bubble platforming, and even riding a water jetski to shoot enemies down but the level feels kind of unfinished. It only has one very easy bubble section and there’s like almost no enemies until the jetski section. Stone Man’s stage is also just really boring but it is one of two stages to have the new M-Tank. It refills all of your weapon energy and health. Though you can only carry one with you. If for some reason if you want more lives which idk why you would, try using the M-Tank when everything is full. It will turn every enemy into a 1-up. For the order of Robot Masters I did, this time it was Gravity -> Gyro -> Crystal -> Napalm -> Stone -> Charge -> Wave -> Star. You know what I also realize? There’s only one mini boss in this game and it’s Octoper OA in Wave Man’s stage. I wonder why there’s none in this title? I really can’t describe well what makes the level design less fun in this one. Maybe it’s the challenge but I personally think it’s because some levels aren’t as fun as they could be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still in ways very solid but nothing about it feels all that exciting anymore outside of some notable setpieces like I mentioned earlier. I’m not saying it should be like 100% new innovative gameplay but I think me preferring 4’s level design more is hurting my perception of this title’s stage design.

Well unlike Rockman 4, you won’t struggle too hard on these Robot Masters. Stone Man is pretty easy as he just jumps around most of the time. Just don’t bother shooting him when he’s crumbled apart. He also uses Power Stone but trust me you’ll be fine. Gravity Man is on the opposite side of you so try to shoot him as you’re switching sides and he won’t be too bad. Just remember he does try to get under you and occasionally shoot at you. Crystal Man starts off with 4 Crystal Eyes but that’s the only part you’ll have a hard time dodging because he then likes to shoot just one Crystal Eye at you making it a relatively easy fight. I hate fighting Charge Man, I’ve never had a Robot Master fight where it’s so 50/50 if I win. He likes to charge at you and also shoot out 3 pieces of coal in a random location. The problem is he is invulnerable during the attacks making it feel more tedious. Napalm Man likes to shoot out missiles and lob out Napalm Bombs. He’s surprisingly easy to dodge so once you learn his two moves then you’ll be golden! Wave Man will spout out a Water Wave that will bounce off your Buster shots. He will also shoot a small trident at you so watch out. Star Man will have his Star Crash protecting him and will throw it at you but he’s so easy to dodge that you’ll have him beat in no time. Gyro Man will throw his Gyro Attack at you so be ready to slide and when he goes up in the clouds, be ready for him to land on you. So they’re not all bad fights but nothing too memorable either. Don’t really have much else to say.

Oh boy, the special weapons in this game. I have a lot of things to say about these. Power Stone from Stone Man is bad.It shoots out three stones in this circle like pattern and it’s not only hard to aim it most of the time but the power is lacking on this one making it not worth using outside of very very niche scenarios. Gravity Hold from Gravity Man is just Rain Flush but worse. That means it’s still good but what kept it from being my favorite one is that enemies won’t drop items if you defeat them this way so be thoughtful of that when doing the fortress levels. Crystal Eye from Crystal Man is okay but could be a lot better. It shoots one big crystal but if it hits a wall, it’ll release three small crystals that bounce around. It’s just hard to set up this one well because again, the power isn’t amazing on it. Charge Kick from Charge Man is really really bad! It gives your slide an attack like you’re playing Valis III but it not only does this mean it works on ground enemies only but you can’t even use your Super Rock Buster for this special weapon. Even worse, only one enemy is weak to it which is Suzy G. It’s not even good for Wave Man since you’ll get hurt trying to use it most of the time. In fact the only enemy I ever felt confident using it on was Twin Cannon which isn’t even a hard enemy! Napalm Bomb from Napalm Man is the best move in the game but that’s not saying much. It shoots out a bomb that moves forward that is mostly useful for stuff on the ground. A lot of enemies are actually weak to this move so it’s not bad to have out at times but its weaknesses do bring it down sadly. Water Wave from Wave Man is also bad. It shoots out water that moves on the ground but like why would you even want this when we already have a good move for ground enemies? I never found a use for it. Star Crash from Star Man is just another shield weapon and it’s the worst one so far. It’s weak and you don’t need it in a game like this to begin with. The only reason it’s not even worse is because it can help for Crystal Man’s stage.Gyro Attack is good but that’s mostly because a lot of enemies are weak to it. It lets you shoot it and let it move up or down depending on the direction you press. Great for Apache Joe and Power Muscler. My advice is to just stick with Gravity Hold, Napalm Bomb and Gyro Attack. Ignore the rest because I think I played worse trying to use them. The Super Rock Buster is better than every special weapon in most scenarios. I think Gyro Attack is the only one you really need if you don’t care to use them but Napalm Bomb can be helpful in scenarios.

What does Rush have for us this time? Well Rush Coil was changed so now he bounces with you letting you jump at the apex of it. Though the height is identical to the original Coil. I still will hate it because one time I used it and Rockman went through him and I fell on spikes, fun. Rush Jet is back but it’s been nerfed again! Get hit while riding him and it knocks you off so be careful when using him over deadly hazards. Rush was done dirty in this game. Eddie is still in levels so if you remember what I said about him in 4, well he’s the same here. If you beat Star Man you can unlock the Super Arrow. It’s an arrow that can help you reach higher areas if it lands on a wall. It uses energy the more distance it goes so be thoughtful about how you use it. It can also be used as an attack but I wouldn’t recommend doing that. Finally there is Beat which you can unlock by finding the item that spells out ROCKMAN5. There’s one in each stage. Beat will target enemies and it’s quite strong but each hit will take energy from him so be thoughtful about his use. He’s also great for the bosses of the fortress.

As per usual we get the stages done and now it’s time for Blues’ fortress where goddamn he must be a huge narcissist because his fortress has his whole helmet on it. I’m not gonna lie with you all, these stages just keep becoming more mind numbing to talk about as these parts roll by. Like yeah the levels don’t suck but I just don’t have much to say. They don’t feel any more challenging to beat. Even the bosses aren’t fun as they’re all Dark Man bosses that are fairly easy to beat. The 4th stage has an interesting gimmick where you have to destroy blocks to push the top area down more for you to traverse but it’s such a short section. You finally reach Blues and it turns out he’s another Dark Man and goes down easily thanks to Beat. Yep big shocker, Dr. Wily was the villain the whole time. I don’t even care anymore to try to fake my reaction.

So you now have to do a couple of Wily stages for his fortress. I really love the section where if you land on the right side, the screen scrolls you right on spikes and you’re dead. How fun. I really like the part where they completely reuse the crusher segment from Dust Man’s stage from Rockman 4. Were they really that out of ideas by this point? This fortress also has the one water section in the game so that’s neat I guess. At least the first boss is neat being the Big Pets where you shoot the sections to platform on them to shoot Crystal Eye at his head. Fun boss idea! The Circring Q9 though is pretty standard but damn he hurts like hell so make sure you still have Gyro Attack left on you. There’s also the Robot Master rematches but it’s so easy in this one because the game is easy. Have I said that too many times? I'm sorry. Then you fight the Wily Press and this fight is such a joke that I swear Wily isn’t even trying like I didn’t even get hit once. I didn’t even know he was weak to Star Crash. Wily Machine 5 is also easy like you just shoot Super Arrows and then boom boom it down. Then there’s Wily Capsule II and as long as you have Beat and an E-Tank or two, you’ll win 100%. It’s very similar to the final boss in Rockman 4. Wait why are the machines normal numbers but the capsule is a roman numeral that makes no sense. Well you beat him and you reach Dr. Right’s cell and he’s saved! Problem is the building is collapsing and-holy shit since when could Rockman hold a ceiling? Sadly Wily escapes leaving the two in peril but Blues saves them in time as all three watch the fortress crumble. Blues leaves as the other two continue to watch Wily fly away. What a nothing kind of ending. We didn’t even learn anything about Blues! Plus this once again shows Wily will probably be the villain next game once again, sigh.

Rockman 5 looks great presentation wise. The graphics are superb and even better than 4’s which were already really good. I like the transition effect when you select a stage and go into their introduction. Though I have to dock a point for the awful get weapon screen. Like what happened guys it looked so good in 4. I really like the jetski section in terms of looks and the speed when riding that elevator in Gyro Man’s stage. There’s barely any flicker or slowdown too which is great. The music is also something I find a little underrated. There’s some great tracks like Dark Man Fortress’ theme, Gravity Man’s theme, and even the Wily Fortress’ theme sounds moody and I like it. This game also has my favorite song in the entire series which is Wave Man’s theme. It will forever be my favorite song in the franchise. I just love the feels it gives me. This is one of the things I’ll give the game over 4 even if it’s not anything gameplay related. Also the password theme doesn’t suck this time.

I feel kind of sad realizing Rockman 5 wasn’t going to change my opinion on this replay. I really was hoping to defend it saying my past feelings were wrong! The game isn’t bad but I wouldn’t call it a good game but why? Well I just don’t think I feel much from it. I’m just going through the motions in Rockman 5. I don’t think easy games are bad but this game doesn’t do much to excite me besides a few stages and the difficulty isn’t helping that. I’d argue it is a better game than the first one but for some reason I like playing that one more. I’m just very conflicted but regardless this still isn’t a game you should avoid but for me I’d just rather play most of the other entries we have seen so far. There will be a Rockman 6 but that won’t be for a bit so next time it’s once again back to the Game Boy with Rockman World 3. Very interested to see how I’ll feel about that entry after so many years.