Gare
BACKER
It turns out everyone else in the world is a fuckin asshole too, not just the king. No, my man, it’s not a small, boring, hohum katamari at all. It’s precisely 40 meters long, because that’s what you asked for when I started to roll it, dickhead!
I’m never killing a slime in a mainline DQ game ever again. How would I know for sure that it isn’t Rocket? HOW WOULD I KNOW
1996
"Is this your first time playing?"
no
"Would you like us to explain 'copy’?"
no
"TOUGH SHIT!!!!!!"
no
"Would you like us to explain 'copy’?"
no
"TOUGH SHIT!!!!!!"
This review contains spoilers
When Klonoa was like weepabupobadubadeepo, but then Huepow told him meenomiweeniebeedeebedee, even though before the bad guy was all like brakbrakburkbockbock...
I felt that
I felt that
2002
I played this game in a single sitting the same way someone would eat an entire one-pound block of extra sharp cheddar cheese on their day off because they’re depressed: I knew that I shouldn’t do it, I knew that I wouldn’t even enjoy it in the moment, and I knew that I’d be paying for it later on, but I did it anyway
I had a minor operation on my back and got seven stitches, and afterward the doctor told me not to do anything too strenuous. I decided to just game the rest of the day thinking that would be preferable to like working out or biking, but while I was finishing this game up I apparently leaned back in my desk chair so hard it made a bunch of blood squeeze out of my stitches and ruined the special disappearing bandages the doctor put on before. There was a huge stain on the back of my chair and I thought the stitches had straight up popped. I found out they were thankfully still intact when I went to urgent care but they had to do the special dressing all over again. I give this game four out of five stars.
2011
The wait is finally over. I am happy to announce once and for all on www.backloggd.com that I, @Gare, also enjoyed the video game called Portal 2.
Check out my full review on my YouTube channel
Check out my full review on my YouTube channel
2015
Make sure you talk to everyone in the melting town, you never know when someone might reveal something extremely useless
1985
I played so many old platformers this year and the main thing I realized with them is that sometimes you really don't know what you've got until it's gone.
Because of the Mario games, you take for granted that A button jumps and the B button attacks, and then you play Alex Kidd in Miracle World and keep on punching bottomless pits and jumping on top of bats.
Because of Mario you think it's just a simple obvious thing to make sure your mascot character for your whole console and company is as effortlessly appealing as they can be, and then you go and play one of the OTHER Alex Kidd games on the master system. Yeech!
Because of this game, you assume it's a no brainer to make your character jump and then be able to control the trajectory in midair so as to hit the platform you're aiming for, and then you play something like Strider for the genesis, where you can either accidentally jump straight in the air right into a spike trap, or remember to first tap forward before jumping and hope that, if you don't first accidentally just step into a pit, your predetermined jump arc lands you on the platform.
When you play Mario, you think to yourself ah, here's a momentum button that makes sense. Sometimes you need a little jump to get across a small gap, sometimes you need to hold that button if you want to make a bigger one, and then you go and play a game like Psycho Fox, with some weird shit where like you have to hold the button to make him accelerate like a car
When you play Mario, it's clear to you that you should be able to just pick up the controller and play, and he should be easy and fun to control, and just like the hero's journey, the levels should be a little easy and welcoming at first, then progressively harder. The GAME should be hard to play, not the CHARACTER hard to control. And then, sometime later, you get a game like Blaster Master, where it's a whole lot of fun right up until the last level where you have no choice but to keep an upgrade for your vehicle that makes you stick to platforms and roll right into spike pits and the developers just laugh at you and say we did it on purpose, get better at games dork.
Any time you play a retro game and it's not fun to play, you have no right to just shrug and say that's how games were back then, or even worse, "the stiff play control is just part of the charm for a game like that back then." Super Mario Bros was the first game ever, and it did everything right. What's your excuse?
Because of the Mario games, you take for granted that A button jumps and the B button attacks, and then you play Alex Kidd in Miracle World and keep on punching bottomless pits and jumping on top of bats.
Because of Mario you think it's just a simple obvious thing to make sure your mascot character for your whole console and company is as effortlessly appealing as they can be, and then you go and play one of the OTHER Alex Kidd games on the master system. Yeech!
Because of this game, you assume it's a no brainer to make your character jump and then be able to control the trajectory in midair so as to hit the platform you're aiming for, and then you play something like Strider for the genesis, where you can either accidentally jump straight in the air right into a spike trap, or remember to first tap forward before jumping and hope that, if you don't first accidentally just step into a pit, your predetermined jump arc lands you on the platform.
When you play Mario, you think to yourself ah, here's a momentum button that makes sense. Sometimes you need a little jump to get across a small gap, sometimes you need to hold that button if you want to make a bigger one, and then you go and play a game like Psycho Fox, with some weird shit where like you have to hold the button to make him accelerate like a car
When you play Mario, it's clear to you that you should be able to just pick up the controller and play, and he should be easy and fun to control, and just like the hero's journey, the levels should be a little easy and welcoming at first, then progressively harder. The GAME should be hard to play, not the CHARACTER hard to control. And then, sometime later, you get a game like Blaster Master, where it's a whole lot of fun right up until the last level where you have no choice but to keep an upgrade for your vehicle that makes you stick to platforms and roll right into spike pits and the developers just laugh at you and say we did it on purpose, get better at games dork.
Any time you play a retro game and it's not fun to play, you have no right to just shrug and say that's how games were back then, or even worse, "the stiff play control is just part of the charm for a game like that back then." Super Mario Bros was the first game ever, and it did everything right. What's your excuse?
1995
Man was I not expecting to like a Mana game this much. Almost every problem I have with the first two is either fixed or else I don’t care that much about it anymore, story is better-ish than Secret of Mana and it still looks and sounds great.
I have to be honest, most of the stars in my rating come from having picked kevin for my first playthrough. I loved the hell out of playing as Kevin. This is a pro-Kevin account and if you disagree you can GTFO with your Kevin-hating ass. He’s a great starting character, strong as hell and can also kind of heal, and he’s just wholesome and good. He talks in this like Tarzan kind of broken English and walks around in this ridiculous gait like a dad chasing around their young kids being like AAAAAGH IM THE BIG MONSTER IM GONNA GET YA. Another neat touch is the way he lands on both feet and shakes whenever he falls from the sky in cannon travel, in much the same way Conan does, another anime wild boy character (Future Boy Conan is great and you should watch it, by the way). Not to mention his whole motivation is the goodest of them all: he’s avenging the wrongful death of his beloved dog. He’s a dog lover, folks. It turns out all I really needed to get into the mana series is a John Wick
I have to be honest, most of the stars in my rating come from having picked kevin for my first playthrough. I loved the hell out of playing as Kevin. This is a pro-Kevin account and if you disagree you can GTFO with your Kevin-hating ass. He’s a great starting character, strong as hell and can also kind of heal, and he’s just wholesome and good. He talks in this like Tarzan kind of broken English and walks around in this ridiculous gait like a dad chasing around their young kids being like AAAAAGH IM THE BIG MONSTER IM GONNA GET YA. Another neat touch is the way he lands on both feet and shakes whenever he falls from the sky in cannon travel, in much the same way Conan does, another anime wild boy character (Future Boy Conan is great and you should watch it, by the way). Not to mention his whole motivation is the goodest of them all: he’s avenging the wrongful death of his beloved dog. He’s a dog lover, folks. It turns out all I really needed to get into the mana series is a John Wick
Me when another Assassins Creed/Diablo/Kingdom Hearts/Mega Man/Shin Megami Tensei/etc comes out:
Jesus, are they EVER going to wrap this shit up? What does it say about this game series when despite the very best efforts of its heroes the same villains return over and over again? Are they even interested in the rectification of evil, or is the storytelling merely an excuse to provide a never-ending outlet of bloodlust for the player itself against a familiar recurring enemy? The world of the game will never know peace, nothing will be made whole, nothing will be resolved, for indeed, how else can the developers promise new levels, new monsters, over 100 hours of thrilling new content?
Also me: Wahoo! It’s another goddam Mario game! Time to head back to the Mushroom Kingdom and see what wild hijinx those plucky Brooklynite plumbers Mario and Luigi are up to now. Uh oh! Looks like Boswer, the evil King of the Koopas, is rearing his ugly head again, no doubt with some dastardly scheme in tow to conquer the magical land of the Toads and kidnap its longtime ruler Princess Peach. When will that overstuffed snapping turtle ever learn? But not to worry, with those pasta-loving Mario brothers to the rescue, there’s nothing a little goomba-stomping, shell-kicking, super mushrooming, flower-fireball throwing, and of course, a little star power can’t fix! Wahaaa! Lets’a fuckin go!
Jesus, are they EVER going to wrap this shit up? What does it say about this game series when despite the very best efforts of its heroes the same villains return over and over again? Are they even interested in the rectification of evil, or is the storytelling merely an excuse to provide a never-ending outlet of bloodlust for the player itself against a familiar recurring enemy? The world of the game will never know peace, nothing will be made whole, nothing will be resolved, for indeed, how else can the developers promise new levels, new monsters, over 100 hours of thrilling new content?
Also me: Wahoo! It’s another goddam Mario game! Time to head back to the Mushroom Kingdom and see what wild hijinx those plucky Brooklynite plumbers Mario and Luigi are up to now. Uh oh! Looks like Boswer, the evil King of the Koopas, is rearing his ugly head again, no doubt with some dastardly scheme in tow to conquer the magical land of the Toads and kidnap its longtime ruler Princess Peach. When will that overstuffed snapping turtle ever learn? But not to worry, with those pasta-loving Mario brothers to the rescue, there’s nothing a little goomba-stomping, shell-kicking, super mushrooming, flower-fireball throwing, and of course, a little star power can’t fix! Wahaaa! Lets’a fuckin go!
(Some weird shit on this site made me accidentally delete this, and I really like this one so here we go again)
I might have spoken too soon back there, this is even straighter than DQI, the straightest of all the DQ games ever made or ever will be made. Say what you will about the first game, it is at least not ever shown and rather assumed that the hero will marry and procreate with the princess in the end. But this game starts with a birth, has your hero pick a wife among a lineup of eligible marriageable bachelorettes, and features for the first time in video game history a playable pregnancy. It is literally dependent on the plot that you make a perfect baby with complete ancient-heavenly-civilization genes to save the world. As the saying goes, if you can’t be the legendary hero, make one. Dragon Quest V, folks, or as I like to call it, eugenics: the video game.
It's also really something that once you do have children, only one of them can be the Legendary Hero spoken of in prophecy, but damn, you have twins. It challenges the player to be like a good parent and love all your children unconditionally, lest you fall into the temptation of someone like Jacob from the OId Testament and decide to favor one child over the others and cause problems for them all both psychological and practical. It was a challenge I failed the moment I rescued the protagonist's wife. Well sure, I mean I JUST rescued her, what am I gonna do, cubbyhole her into the wagon for the rest of the game? Or what, put my son in the wagon, the great prophesied hero himself? And waste all that fine Zenithian equipment that no one else can equip? Nope, I’m afraid it will have to be the daughter that sits this one out. Yeah yeah, you're my daughter and I love you very much, but look, honey, your mother is almost identical to you in every way. She has okay agility, weak physical attack, high magic, and she's the only other character aside from you who can wield this super-strong whip that it took me hours to win at the casino after almost blowing our life savings. The only difference is a). her spells are better than yours by just that much and b). oh yeah, we boned exactly once ten years ago in order to make you, excuse me if I want just a smidge more quality time with my wife before we face off against the demonic destroyer of worlds together. I know it's sad you have to stay in the wagon while your brother gets to be the Legendary Hero, and yes, honey, it's probably sexist that of course the boy we made gets to be the hero, yes, I know it's a little disappointing that they completely glossed you over in the Netflix adaptation of us. But in the end I’m just playing a JRPG here, and I’m simply not going to let a charming grand epic story about the strength of family against an enormous world-ending evil completely dictate my decision-making. What can I say, I’m data-driven.
What? What's that? Why is the tiger in my group? I dunno, he's cool! He's my pet tiger that can fight! I want another tank in my party. What's with all the questions, what are you, a cop? Stop crying and get in the wagon with the knight slime and the zombie I recruited way back in chapter two and promptly forgot about once I got married.
I might have spoken too soon back there, this is even straighter than DQI, the straightest of all the DQ games ever made or ever will be made. Say what you will about the first game, it is at least not ever shown and rather assumed that the hero will marry and procreate with the princess in the end. But this game starts with a birth, has your hero pick a wife among a lineup of eligible marriageable bachelorettes, and features for the first time in video game history a playable pregnancy. It is literally dependent on the plot that you make a perfect baby with complete ancient-heavenly-civilization genes to save the world. As the saying goes, if you can’t be the legendary hero, make one. Dragon Quest V, folks, or as I like to call it, eugenics: the video game.
It's also really something that once you do have children, only one of them can be the Legendary Hero spoken of in prophecy, but damn, you have twins. It challenges the player to be like a good parent and love all your children unconditionally, lest you fall into the temptation of someone like Jacob from the OId Testament and decide to favor one child over the others and cause problems for them all both psychological and practical. It was a challenge I failed the moment I rescued the protagonist's wife. Well sure, I mean I JUST rescued her, what am I gonna do, cubbyhole her into the wagon for the rest of the game? Or what, put my son in the wagon, the great prophesied hero himself? And waste all that fine Zenithian equipment that no one else can equip? Nope, I’m afraid it will have to be the daughter that sits this one out. Yeah yeah, you're my daughter and I love you very much, but look, honey, your mother is almost identical to you in every way. She has okay agility, weak physical attack, high magic, and she's the only other character aside from you who can wield this super-strong whip that it took me hours to win at the casino after almost blowing our life savings. The only difference is a). her spells are better than yours by just that much and b). oh yeah, we boned exactly once ten years ago in order to make you, excuse me if I want just a smidge more quality time with my wife before we face off against the demonic destroyer of worlds together. I know it's sad you have to stay in the wagon while your brother gets to be the Legendary Hero, and yes, honey, it's probably sexist that of course the boy we made gets to be the hero, yes, I know it's a little disappointing that they completely glossed you over in the Netflix adaptation of us. But in the end I’m just playing a JRPG here, and I’m simply not going to let a charming grand epic story about the strength of family against an enormous world-ending evil completely dictate my decision-making. What can I say, I’m data-driven.
What? What's that? Why is the tiger in my group? I dunno, he's cool! He's my pet tiger that can fight! I want another tank in my party. What's with all the questions, what are you, a cop? Stop crying and get in the wagon with the knight slime and the zombie I recruited way back in chapter two and promptly forgot about once I got married.
2017
Okay, I understand games being hard, but why do they also have to be hostile?
Yeah, the boss can be hard, sure, but why does there also have to be stretches of spike traps and mantis sword bros and laser fuckmoths on the way to that boss because the save point is nowhere near that boss and every time you lose, you know, to LeArN tHe PaTtErnS and GeT bEtTeR or whatever, you have to traverse that path each and every time? Why does dying also mess with your coins? Sure, the bank feature might have been useful, if there was more than one! Why would I ever want to freely explore this place if it meant at any step I could bump into a boss or a bullshit Celeste spike corridor that will murder me and take away like a thousand of my coins because I also got murdered again on the way back to that boss? Why does difficulty have to be married to wasting my time? Why can’t the “consequence” of losing just be, you know, you can’t go any further until you win? Why do I need to be punished for the hubris of wanting to play Hollow Knight but not knowing how to do it exactly right the first time? Do you guys, I dunno, do you like that or something? Do you like games that are not just hard but also just give you the finger and laugh at you? Do you go on the switch store and be like hm, let’s see, what’s out there that’s not only challenging but also gives me a net negative amount of progress to effort? What’s out there that can actively mock my endeavors to experience something greater than myself all the way through by reminding me that I have limited time and then actively smashing that time right in front of me? Because I love that feeling, I really enjoy it and it makes me feel warm and cozy, I love it more than hot fudge sundaes, more than my girlfriend, more than even my own birthdays.
No no, that’s you, that’s what you sound like when you play Hollow Knight.
Yeah, the boss can be hard, sure, but why does there also have to be stretches of spike traps and mantis sword bros and laser fuckmoths on the way to that boss because the save point is nowhere near that boss and every time you lose, you know, to LeArN tHe PaTtErnS and GeT bEtTeR or whatever, you have to traverse that path each and every time? Why does dying also mess with your coins? Sure, the bank feature might have been useful, if there was more than one! Why would I ever want to freely explore this place if it meant at any step I could bump into a boss or a bullshit Celeste spike corridor that will murder me and take away like a thousand of my coins because I also got murdered again on the way back to that boss? Why does difficulty have to be married to wasting my time? Why can’t the “consequence” of losing just be, you know, you can’t go any further until you win? Why do I need to be punished for the hubris of wanting to play Hollow Knight but not knowing how to do it exactly right the first time? Do you guys, I dunno, do you like that or something? Do you like games that are not just hard but also just give you the finger and laugh at you? Do you go on the switch store and be like hm, let’s see, what’s out there that’s not only challenging but also gives me a net negative amount of progress to effort? What’s out there that can actively mock my endeavors to experience something greater than myself all the way through by reminding me that I have limited time and then actively smashing that time right in front of me? Because I love that feeling, I really enjoy it and it makes me feel warm and cozy, I love it more than hot fudge sundaes, more than my girlfriend, more than even my own birthdays.
No no, that’s you, that’s what you sound like when you play Hollow Knight.
2019
This review contains spoilers
This isn’t “a parody of 90s internet.” It IS the 90s internet.
Every character in this game you have seen before if you've ever laughed at someone vicariously through somethingawful.com or The F Plus: boomers who can’t figure out how to use the platform they’re on, who get outraged over the tiniest slights toward their entitlement and turn them into ridiculous crusades for free speech, and who fall for dumb hoaxes that are obviously false on their face (don’t those banners “protecting” them from “beef brain” remind you of your aunt back in Wyoming posting “I DO NOT consent to Facebook using my information! I hope it’s not true but if it is I’m posting here, better to be safe than sorry”). Edgy fifteen year old dorks who write angry livejournals about Steve who isn’t even their real dad, make embarrassing wish fulfillment webcomics where they kill zombies with uzis and tell mom to shut the fuck up, and of course harass girls until they tell them to stop, to which they reply whatever, ur ugly anyway. Fantasy and sci-fi enthusiasts, conspiracy theorists, and a whole slew of lonely dorks realizing they finally have an outlet to express themselves and figuring out on the fly how to do so appropriately on what, at that time, was a wholly new technology. And of course, the tech bros controlling it all, giving off a facade of friendliness an camaraderie but underneath caring only about “innovating” and “pushing boundaries” while being wholly unequipped to provide its users with even basic safety measures, (let alone protect them from a whole disaster that kills five people from an imploded subm- I mean mindcrash glitch), and piss and moan when someone reports them for breaking their own rules which, damn, apply to me too?! Everyone has either met people like this for real, or else has definitely encountered them online, even well after the 90s. They’re all here, baby.
The difference here, aside from maybe the fact that the posts here are if anything actually toned down compared to the really out there forums irl, is that I actually gave a shit about almost all of them. Even Abbywrites, and to be sure Abbywrites definitely sucks. I have to admit, I was laughing at Zane’s stupidass hot or not posts even as I was getting paid to report them for harassment. I was heartbroken that I could have reported him for just one more violation to get him banned, and save his life later on, but I missed just one 😔, which also means in the timeline of my playthrough he never gets to make Slayers X. Remember that boomer who couldn’t figure out how to make her page work? She gets some help from her friends and makes a nice functional little page right before her trial period ends, and now she can’t wait to spend New Year’s Eve with those new friends of hers! Seeing her new page after the fact, when she becomes one of the mindcrash victims, and reading the eulogies for all of them with this song playing, it nearly fucked me up. I couldn’t believe I laughed at her before. She was just an old lady who wanted to go online! What is wrong with me?
I would be remiss not to mention the slew of made up music genres, celebrity figures, video games, and mediums of storytelling is dizzying; I thought chowder man was a little too unrealistic at first, but I gotta say, his eight minute eighties synth-prog song about shaving, it grows on you. There is also a GENUINELY GOOD sludge/noise rock band with a full album that you can download and listen to while you play.
This is by far the best written story out of any game I’ve played this year, and it’s the silly dumbass point and click internet game. Do better, other game writers
Every character in this game you have seen before if you've ever laughed at someone vicariously through somethingawful.com or The F Plus: boomers who can’t figure out how to use the platform they’re on, who get outraged over the tiniest slights toward their entitlement and turn them into ridiculous crusades for free speech, and who fall for dumb hoaxes that are obviously false on their face (don’t those banners “protecting” them from “beef brain” remind you of your aunt back in Wyoming posting “I DO NOT consent to Facebook using my information! I hope it’s not true but if it is I’m posting here, better to be safe than sorry”). Edgy fifteen year old dorks who write angry livejournals about Steve who isn’t even their real dad, make embarrassing wish fulfillment webcomics where they kill zombies with uzis and tell mom to shut the fuck up, and of course harass girls until they tell them to stop, to which they reply whatever, ur ugly anyway. Fantasy and sci-fi enthusiasts, conspiracy theorists, and a whole slew of lonely dorks realizing they finally have an outlet to express themselves and figuring out on the fly how to do so appropriately on what, at that time, was a wholly new technology. And of course, the tech bros controlling it all, giving off a facade of friendliness an camaraderie but underneath caring only about “innovating” and “pushing boundaries” while being wholly unequipped to provide its users with even basic safety measures, (let alone protect them from a whole disaster that kills five people from an imploded subm- I mean mindcrash glitch), and piss and moan when someone reports them for breaking their own rules which, damn, apply to me too?! Everyone has either met people like this for real, or else has definitely encountered them online, even well after the 90s. They’re all here, baby.
The difference here, aside from maybe the fact that the posts here are if anything actually toned down compared to the really out there forums irl, is that I actually gave a shit about almost all of them. Even Abbywrites, and to be sure Abbywrites definitely sucks. I have to admit, I was laughing at Zane’s stupidass hot or not posts even as I was getting paid to report them for harassment. I was heartbroken that I could have reported him for just one more violation to get him banned, and save his life later on, but I missed just one 😔, which also means in the timeline of my playthrough he never gets to make Slayers X. Remember that boomer who couldn’t figure out how to make her page work? She gets some help from her friends and makes a nice functional little page right before her trial period ends, and now she can’t wait to spend New Year’s Eve with those new friends of hers! Seeing her new page after the fact, when she becomes one of the mindcrash victims, and reading the eulogies for all of them with this song playing, it nearly fucked me up. I couldn’t believe I laughed at her before. She was just an old lady who wanted to go online! What is wrong with me?
I would be remiss not to mention the slew of made up music genres, celebrity figures, video games, and mediums of storytelling is dizzying; I thought chowder man was a little too unrealistic at first, but I gotta say, his eight minute eighties synth-prog song about shaving, it grows on you. There is also a GENUINELY GOOD sludge/noise rock band with a full album that you can download and listen to while you play.
This is by far the best written story out of any game I’ve played this year, and it’s the silly dumbass point and click internet game. Do better, other game writers
2007
It is hereby illegal and prohibited to go on a video game websight and declare that you don’t have anything particularly interesting to say about a game. By no means is any user of www.backloggd.com permitted to post “it’s Portal, what else needs to be said that hasn’t been said already?”, and all 1,199 users at the time of writing who did so thus far are required by law to delete their previous reviews and/or come up with at least one (1) thing about Portal that hasn’t been said already.