maradona
2015
A very painful and slow death to whoever spread the "style over substance" mentality in videogames that caused indie devs to fill in their potential audiovisual masterpieces with mediocre gameplay elements, as gamers would rather have standardized "bang for your buck" products than anything actually resembling real art.
2020
I FUCKING LOVE STUPID MEANINGLESS EQUIPMENT BONUSES IN VIDEOGAMES!
Only 1 weapon at a time? Just 4 armor pieces? Simplified nae nae ass UI? Stats that are readable? "+15% damage"? "+2 STR"? "+50% fire resistance"? What is this, elementary school?
GIve me 19 slots total of equipping shit. I wanna have 4 weapons, and 5 armor pieces, and 2 talismans, and 6 yokai abilities, and 2 titles (80 hours in I still don't know what the hell they are). Each of them with like 3 or 4 passive abilities that do nothing by themselves.
I want my boots to give me “-2.8% running stamina cost”. I want my headpiece to give me “-11.4% fall damage”. I want my left ring to graciously bestow upon me “+3.9% damage against humans”. My sword doesn’t have “+2.7% damage against armor” AND “-4.2% stamina consumption” AND “+3.1% backstab damage”? Literally. Unusable. Throw it in the trash.
You know how cool it is having to decide which bow to use between “+5.2% critical damage” and “- 7.5% max fall off damage”? I'm already killing most enemies in less than 3 seconds, I don’t think these numbers have any impact at all, it’s great. Oh, and GOD forbid if one of them isn’t also part 1 of 7 from a set whose only bonus when completed is giving me "+6.4% defense when HP drops below 30%".
Gamers need to accept that the true fun in forging/tampering equipments can only really happen when you have to do 30 minute side quests to check one fucking spot in the middle of nowhere to obtain the rare item “Poop rock” to which if you have 27 of them you can craft a special set of boots called “The hard worker” that gives you “+3.3% healing effectiveness” and is also the only way to progress in one NPC’s series of 6 side quests that you need to do to get the true ending.
Western game devs.
Take notes.
Only 1 weapon at a time? Just 4 armor pieces? Simplified nae nae ass UI? Stats that are readable? "+15% damage"? "+2 STR"? "+50% fire resistance"? What is this, elementary school?
GIve me 19 slots total of equipping shit. I wanna have 4 weapons, and 5 armor pieces, and 2 talismans, and 6 yokai abilities, and 2 titles (80 hours in I still don't know what the hell they are). Each of them with like 3 or 4 passive abilities that do nothing by themselves.
I want my boots to give me “-2.8% running stamina cost”. I want my headpiece to give me “-11.4% fall damage”. I want my left ring to graciously bestow upon me “+3.9% damage against humans”. My sword doesn’t have “+2.7% damage against armor” AND “-4.2% stamina consumption” AND “+3.1% backstab damage”? Literally. Unusable. Throw it in the trash.
You know how cool it is having to decide which bow to use between “+5.2% critical damage” and “- 7.5% max fall off damage”? I'm already killing most enemies in less than 3 seconds, I don’t think these numbers have any impact at all, it’s great. Oh, and GOD forbid if one of them isn’t also part 1 of 7 from a set whose only bonus when completed is giving me "+6.4% defense when HP drops below 30%".
Gamers need to accept that the true fun in forging/tampering equipments can only really happen when you have to do 30 minute side quests to check one fucking spot in the middle of nowhere to obtain the rare item “Poop rock” to which if you have 27 of them you can craft a special set of boots called “The hard worker” that gives you “+3.3% healing effectiveness” and is also the only way to progress in one NPC’s series of 6 side quests that you need to do to get the true ending.
Western game devs.
Take notes.
2000
"Look, evil imperialists!" say the american and japanese characters in unison
"Jajajaj soy malo y imperialista!" says theperuvian character from a fictional south american country
"Jajajaj soy malo y imperialista!" says the
Dae u ever git that wiy wen u think 'ah mate its pure class bein a sonic fan' and like 0.5 seconds later ur lit 'cannae believe it, best gaem wev 'ad since Mania and it's trapped in a cuntin' book.' Fuck sake man its shite bein' a Sonic fan.
2014
So I went to the arcade with my family today, and it was pretty fun. We bought 16 tokens and equally distributed equally between us (4 each), but mostly spent our time playing Taiko because of course we would. It's a really fun game to play both alone and with your family, and the fact that you could play 2 songs with a single token was really helpful as well, because each one cost around 5 reais, which is a bit pricey.
Between all of the terrible kids oriented ones and loud Kof cabinets where 30 year olds were screaming like their lives depended on it, my cousin kept staring at Flying Tickers. I have no idea why this one in particular but he's 7, so maybe he recognized the visuals from a youtube kids video? Weird to think that flappy bird is older than him...
Anyway, while my parents were blasting the drums with folklore music on easy, I decide to spent my 2 last tokens so that we can give it a shot together. Considering that he burned his tokens in some quirky whack-a-mole reskin with zombies that were too fast for his hands, I felt like it could be fun y'know.
Anyway, after the 2 tokens went in, we pressed the 2 buttons to play the only mode there was for multiplayer: versus. Since the game had only a single button, tap, I was wondering what the hell would happen in it, hoping for the best.
After mere 4 seconds of not understanding how the tapping works because the screen trailers only kept showing flashing lights with blatantly adulterated gameplay to call the attention of small kids, he died. Immediately on screen a small 'Player 2 wins' message appeared, and... that was it.
That was the game.
2 tokens burned in 4 seconds.
He almost started crying out of guilt, saying sorry because he felt like he made me burn 4 games on the cool drum machine. We ended up buying 2 more (of course, just saying that we found it in our pockets) just to play together the 'weird songs' that I liked on Taiko, which I'll one day explain to him that are vocaloid stuff.
Anyway thanks for reading until here, I know it's not the usual meme reviews that I do but I needed to vent this terrible experience, this game is peak predatory garbage and a strong contender for worst experience I've ever had with the medium as a whole.
Between all of the terrible kids oriented ones and loud Kof cabinets where 30 year olds were screaming like their lives depended on it, my cousin kept staring at Flying Tickers. I have no idea why this one in particular but he's 7, so maybe he recognized the visuals from a youtube kids video? Weird to think that flappy bird is older than him...
Anyway, while my parents were blasting the drums with folklore music on easy, I decide to spent my 2 last tokens so that we can give it a shot together. Considering that he burned his tokens in some quirky whack-a-mole reskin with zombies that were too fast for his hands, I felt like it could be fun y'know.
Anyway, after the 2 tokens went in, we pressed the 2 buttons to play the only mode there was for multiplayer: versus. Since the game had only a single button, tap, I was wondering what the hell would happen in it, hoping for the best.
After mere 4 seconds of not understanding how the tapping works because the screen trailers only kept showing flashing lights with blatantly adulterated gameplay to call the attention of small kids, he died. Immediately on screen a small 'Player 2 wins' message appeared, and... that was it.
That was the game.
2 tokens burned in 4 seconds.
He almost started crying out of guilt, saying sorry because he felt like he made me burn 4 games on the cool drum machine. We ended up buying 2 more (of course, just saying that we found it in our pockets) just to play together the 'weird songs' that I liked on Taiko, which I'll one day explain to him that are vocaloid stuff.
Anyway thanks for reading until here, I know it's not the usual meme reviews that I do but I needed to vent this terrible experience, this game is peak predatory garbage and a strong contender for worst experience I've ever had with the medium as a whole.
2013
POV: You are a small youtuber about to play trending clickbait garbage.
2022
Steam Reviews are the only place on earth where a guy with a Dodonpachi pfp will play a game called NON-BINARY and then say "I can't believe they put politics in a shmup".
2004
Rise and Cum Mr Freeman.
Rise and Cum.
Rise and Cum.
2001
"Buddha, how does one reach Nirvana?"
"Take this my son, and learn from it."
"But Buddha, you just gave me Ikaruga™ (2001)."
"Everything happens for a reason. Don't question it, trust it"
"Take this my son, and learn from it."
"But Buddha, you just gave me Ikaruga™ (2001)."
"Everything happens for a reason. Don't question it, trust it"
1998
1998
I get it now
This shit is so poorly optimized that it almost loads images slower than Backloggd loads pages.
1996
Me everytime after the lobotomy.
Senran Kagura is canon in the Metal Gear universe.
2016
Attention. This is a pre-recorded message.
If you are reading this, it means that 2016's Game of the Year Overwatch servers closed down worldwide, for the best. The once fabled TF2 killer closing down when said game only received one major update.
The world shall experience peace like never before, for approximately 26:59:55 hours, until the launch of Overwatch 2.
Be happy. Prosper.
After dropping the game with 309 hours spent, seeing it get worse and worse, now banned userMaradona whose crimes were picking off-meta picks in casual matches still retains somewhat good memories despite it all.
Such as:
- 6 v 6 Winston only.
- Release Mccree.
- Lucioball.
- Pre-Nerf Roadhog in Ilinois.
Those shall permanently stay as fond ones.
That be it, hidden behind other extensively more painful ones
Such as:
- Shitty e-sports enforced meta
- Queerbaiting
- Literally everything about lootboxes
- "The Cosby room"
That's all. No end messages or anything. Just a brief passage. Like the game it represents.
Goodbye Overwatch.
Thank you for killing Blizzard's reputation forever.
We needed that.
If you are reading this, it means that 2016's Game of the Year Overwatch servers closed down worldwide, for the best. The once fabled TF2 killer closing down when said game only received one major update.
The world shall experience peace like never before, for approximately 26:59:55 hours, until the launch of Overwatch 2.
Be happy. Prosper.
After dropping the game with 309 hours spent, seeing it get worse and worse, now banned user
Such as:
- 6 v 6 Winston only.
- Release Mccree.
- Lucioball.
- Pre-Nerf Roadhog in Ilinois.
Those shall permanently stay as fond ones.
That be it, hidden behind other extensively more painful ones
Such as:
- Shitty e-sports enforced meta
- Queerbaiting
- Literally everything about lootboxes
- "The Cosby room"
That's all. No end messages or anything. Just a brief passage. Like the game it represents.
Goodbye Overwatch.
Thank you for killing Blizzard's reputation forever.
We needed that.