hops in Lambo
turns on death metal
puts on sunglasses even tho its night out
smirks at passenger
speeds up to 30000 miles an hour

This was the first game I experienced after my life fell apart in the early throes of the pandemic. Most games grab you by the heart, or by the balls. This game grabs you by the brain. There are so many easy shots you can take at Death Stranding, if you try it for a second and it's not for you - or if you've never even tried it but you want to sound cool at a (nerdy) party. Haha, it's just like, UPS Simulator, man! HUYDYDFHYDFYHD. slap , slap Shuttup b*!

Give it a chance. Like, REALLY give it a chance. Play it alone, in a very comfortable room, and don't put it down for a couple hours on your first outing. Embrace the math, and the balance system. Take the gear seriously. Try things out. Be creative, be clever, be intelligent. You will be SHOCKED how often you feel rewarded for your efforts.

And the first time you crest a ridge, and an unexpected vista yawns open before you, and the soundtrack kicks in? Well, now you're hooked, sailor.

Seriously though there was something about this game, around the halfway point, where I realized I was beyond addicted to its formula. It gives the player so much agency, yet it guides them ever so gracefully towards its major turning points. It was a brilliant, wonderfully-rendered outlet for my OCD tendencies. It was a mental and emotional vacation from planet Earth.

It was a work of genius.

Contentious little bugger, isn't it? Haha. I had my gripes with this game. I wasn't as outright TRIGGERED as so much of gamer nation seems to have been. I just didn't entirely appreciate the way Neil Druckmann's presence can be felt, just over your shoulder, suppressing a giggle and whispering "gotcha!" . It's like.. I know what you're doing Neil. You're not surprising me. This character's not going to grow on me just because you're forcing their presence upon me. I don't hate them because of what they did, I just find them generally unpleasant. I... what? STOP SMIRKING AT ME NEIL!

Don't mind me! Just diving headfirst right back into one of the greatest games ever made. Not so great the second time around, though! Well, it's more like the 2,000th time around, I played this thing endlessly as a kid - blasting Grunts while listening to Hybrid Theory and trying to forget about hopeless highschool crushes. But I digress, playing it in the modern age is a bit of an upsetting affair. The level design is frustrating, the lack of direction and the poor checkpoint system. But dude who are we kidding, this game is ancient, and it was SO, SO GOOOOOD when it came out.

Screw this game man. Screw breakable weapons. Screw going 30 mins out of your way to collect your mount, only to immediately ride up on the edge of a cliff and have to leave it behind. Screw waiting for the rain to pass so that you can climb a hill. Screw waiting for your stamina to replenish every three seconds as you run across endless plains. Screw detouring for an entire play session only to stumble upon a completely empty environment. Screw the repetitious shrine design.

There are, obviously, glimmers of greatness to be had here. And the discovery factor in its opening hours is entirely mystifying.

But screw this game.