Twennytoo Five Hundo
In future year AD2022 I apparently logged 500 video games (mostly just played, not finished - can you even imagine). Am I proud of it? Of course not, brother, pride is a sin. Here they are in their entirety in order of play:
500 Games
The kind of TV show adaptation game we deserve more of - missions are presented like episodes of the show, you get the little title stings, the eyecatches, all of it (The Space Sheriff Spirits is also very good for this stuff). Gameplay-wise it's an otherwise unremarkable TPS but if you like VOTOMs you will probably get a kick out this for a while. You skate about, it does the noise. Mission accomplished.
The first stop on my journey of playing every game listed in the beatemup history book Go Straight. Not great.
Replay. Actually feels kind of satisfying to play but the enemies and environments are so bland.
All the big colourful sprites are cool but I wasn't that into it at the time. I might give this one another go.
Replay. I'm still amazed a game like this got made and released on home console at the time!
Replay. More Splatterhouse. I think this is my preferred one of the trilogy.
Splatterhouse but with a time limit mechanic. It's fine!
I liked The Stanley Parable. This was more of that. I liked it!
Replay. I first played this on PS4 when I didn't have PS+ so pretty much the only thing I could do was the campaign or the arcade mode things, so obviously I thought it stunk. Having played it on PC now the online modes are definitely fun but the stripping out of things like KDR stats, maps decided by player choice, etc. are completely vile to me. If this is what multiplayer shooters are like now I'll pass.
Not amazing but a pretty charming little game. Parrying blaster bolts back will always be fun.
Replay. Can't remember why I went back to this but it's always a good time. juddajuddajudda
(me seeing this actually runs on a Windows 10 PC: IT'S WOOORKIIIINNNGGGG)
(me seeing this actually runs on a Windows 10 PC: IT'S WOOORKIIIINNNGGGG)
Got tricked into playing this by friends (i.e. they said I should and I agreed despite knowing better). The first one sucked, this one is even worse.
The first cutscene was taking too long to load so I skipped it, and then the second cutscene loaded straight away and I was like oh, this is a porn game isn't it. Well, they made a pretty okay shmup when they probably could have gotten away with a lot less effort, so well done!
This is a Troll game. As in the little pencil toppers with the hair. That's all I remember about it.
Actually pretty good! Just a shame that it contains Doug "The Nostalgia Critic" Walker. If you play it, just try to pretend he's not there.
Replay. Playing it alongside all these other games in the genre, you can see how basic it is in terms of level design and so on, but it really is just the coolest game of all time. The style, the sound, all of it really plants you directly onto the streets as you plant crims directly into the street. Love it.
Replay. It's Streets of Rage 2, you know the score. Easily one of the Mega Drive's best.
Played the Japanese version. It's very good! They've refined the SoR formula to a fine art. And yet the best was still yet to come...man...
Replay. This close to being a perfect videogame. It really is just stupidly good. Play it now if you haven't already!
Mechanically fine but the style just isn't my thing.
I feel like your ship moves a little too slowly and your hurtbox is massive.
More of the same. The cover art for these is really cool though, right?
It feels really difficult in these Psikyo joints to claw back your momentum after getting killed. Like, moreso than most other shmups. And I get killed a lot so that's trouble!
Extremely short game apparently made for a game dev contest? Well, it's cool anyway!
Impossibly fast. Possibly made to see how much the NES can't handle? If there's anyone out there who has 1CC'd this they should be preserved in a museum.
The kind of FMV game I do not like.
When you're sufficiently powered up in this one, anything flying up close behind you gets annihilated by engine wash. I think more shmups should do this.
Really disappointed with this one. It looks good, I love the parry system and the animations that come out of it, it's really satisfying to catch a strike and then kick the shit out of the guy, but it takes 100 years to kill anything at all. A slog in the purest sense. Really sad.
Not really that great but not terrible. Whenever Banpresto strays away from SRW into other genres it always seems to just be not quite as good as you want it to be.
Kinda-sorta wearing a management game skin, but really this is a choose your own adventure book. I got the best ending though, so hooray!
Not great. Interesting for its setting, I guess.
Why does this game look like this? Who put them up to it?
I'd played the first episode of this before but decided to go through the whole thing from the start before I play Return. Promptly put it to the side after getting distracted by other stuff.
It's Renegade again, so it's not really very good, but the Tim Follin soundtrack is hot fire.
Replay. There can be no justice in the world as long as this is stuck on the Wii of all things. No idea why it was exclusive in the first place.
I think the release of this I played might have had a different title but that's the only thing I recall of it.
Replay. I don't know who it was that convinced the world that the licensed Konami beatemups are really good but they were doing the devil's work. I guess I can see how it would be fun if you had four players on the go and it does look and sound great, but the gameplay absolutely reeks. No impact to a single thing you do.
Impressive effort for a NES game but playing it in amongst so many technically superior games did it no favours for me. Maybe one day.
Easily the best Turtles beatemup, just brimming with personality. Went through singleplayer and with four players and had an absolute blast. Best OST of the year easily as well.
I guess this is okay, but I'd rather play SNES Turtles in Time if I've got to play Turtles in Time.
Originally played the SNES version, so here I went for the arcade release, which like the '89 game is trash. Legendary soundtrack but that's it.
Replay. Had to do Tekken Force as part of the book. I don't like Tekken.
This is Video Games.
A good remake of the good remake. Japanese title is better.
Super cool, Metal Squad goes extremely hard.
They do the Lightning Strikes Again bit in this one too, and it still rules.
These polygonal entries don't ever really seem to have the oomph of their 2D counterparts, but it's still a good game and I had a big smile on my face when the one boss shifts into TFIV player form and Lightning Strikes Again starts playing.
Replay. So, so boring, which is a huge shame considering the license. Come on.
Probably a little overlong for what it is, but this is a solid GBA game.
What came out in the West as Shatterhand. Movement is a bit weird but you punch everything, including bullets, and that is cool. Good music too!
Sublime remake package. I've played this so much this year. THPS gameplay has aged like a fine wine.
Replay, technically. I've started this a bunch of times, shelved it, forgotten all of it and restarted. Gonna try and not do it this time!
Another one I don't remember anything of. Sorry!
Not much here. Platformer with some rules quirks that you can finish in one quick sitting. Again, one you play once and never go back to, but that's fine.
Horrendous. Avoid.
Thought this might be cool but as soon as I saw the battle system I nope'd straight out. Not in the market for turn-based beatemups, sorry.
Can't stand turn-based JRPG combat unless it's tactics style, so I thought this would finally be my in as it looked like it had some charm and was an action hybrid. The combat is just too basic for me though and you can really tell the whole thing is a remake of a SNES game. Abysmal dialogue as well. I got a fair bit in so I'll maybe finish it at some point, but woof.
Not much to say about this one beyond flying cars being cool.
Just not that engaging after playing a bunch of games that were the same thing but better.
Replay. I finished this as a kid and remember thinking it was cool. Adult me is less enamored with it.
Gave up on this pretty quickly, just not very good.
Licensed game for an instant noodles brand. I would like this to be good but it's extremely basic.
Played this with some folk during a Work Get Together. Knowing you can't win but can deny someone else their shot is intoxicating.
This was utter guff and there was no reason for me to finish it, but here we are.
Ultraman shmup where you play as a ship from one of the many Science Patrols, which makes sense. It has all the Ultra fanservice you could want but it's not very good beyond that.
Good game. "Mood" stuff is usually thin gruel to me but taking photos of stuff is fun and this gives you a lot of options for taking photos, so I like it. Good soundtrack, good look. The first level of the DLC openly lifts from Johnny Mnemonic, so is very cool.
The title of this game is so funny. It's like a weird post-apocalyptic setting! Undercover cops for what?!
Anyway it's decent, it's Irem so everything has that slightly Metal Sluggy look.
Anyway it's decent, it's Irem so everything has that slightly Metal Sluggy look.
Played the Japanese release, where it's a game adaptation of the anime Area 88 (high melodrama, watch it). Why is this game so hard!
Got suckered in by the Hiroaki artwork. Lackluster beatemup for anime perverts. I'm good, thanks.
Replay. Had been reading The Oral History of Street Fighter II and they talk a fair bit about Darkstalkers in it, so I gave this a quick run. Still not really into how it all shakes together but it's not a bad game. I would play Bishamon.
Played for 10 minutes and refunded it. If I want to waste my time I've a million other pointless games and they let me press an attack button.
Had this game in progress for literal years, finally made the effort to finish it this year. It's fine for a short choose your own adventure type thing, don't really have all that much to say about it.
I've played all of 10 minutes of this so far, can't say anything.
Better than the previous one, I think. I'd be willing to play more of these.
Don't have much to say about this other than I think I appreciate this style of dungeon crawler more than I actually enjoy playing them.
I played the Japanese version, Gun-Dec. Ninja Gaiden-ish for the most part, there's also some driving stages that are essentially on-road shmup sections. Had never heard of it before this year, it's cool!
Woooof. I actually finished this one and I have no idea why - it's not fun at all.
Konami's best effort by a country mile, probably because it's just a Final Fight remake in all but name. Super punchy and satisfying to play, absolutely awesome soundtrack accompanies the carnage. Buy me Violent Storm or go to hell!
Replay. This isn't a good release, but the core gameplay of VF5FS is great, so if you have no other access to FS you should get this. Can't say enough good things about Veef.
Fairly standard beatemup but the Conan aesthetic is very strong here. Has that one great track that's in Taiko as well.
It's fine, but I'm not really sure why it exists. What reason is there for not just putting all these characters into Warriors Orochi instead?
Another Three Kingdoms one. Not awful, but there's not much in the way of variety so I didn't feel like finishing it.
I started this but then realised I could get the Ultimate version instead. Whoops!
It's Warriors Orochi, it's good. I think this one isn't quite up to the same level of 3 Ultimate, but you're still guaranteed a fun time. The designs of the new characters are very funny to me - stupid sexy Hades!
Nothing like the PS2 game, but a lot like a whole bunch of garbage beatemups. Don't bother with it.
Very cool game. Remake this please.
Interesting in that it's an unlicensed game but otherwise not much going on here. I've just noticed the title font on here is in SSF4 Abuket font, fuck me. I thought we'd escaped that.
Cool stuff here, almost rhythm-game like. Some of the bosses can be frustrating but I had a good time with it.
Just a fun arcade game. Some parts of this are absolute nails.
Fantastic animation ruined by physics and controls unchanged from the 80s. I've no idea why folk bother doing stuff like this.
Cool game! Doesn't scare me at all, which is maybe not a good thing, but I like Junji Ito and have always been vaguely intrigued by Uninvited, so the game's style works for me.
Just looked and felt low-rent, like a Flash game you would have played in the early 2000s. The whole ancient warriors fuck yeah thing isn't really for me either.
Replay. Nowhere near as bad as TMNT or The Simpsons - when you punch something it actually feels like you punched it - but it still features Konami doing their credit-stealing best to take your money. Colossus roar rules though.
Replay. Same story as VSav. Weird game. Love Omega Red's theme.
Replay. Same as VSav and COTA. Maybe the most 90s game of all time.
Haven't played any of the other games in this series but I didn't expect this to be as linear as it is. I guess it's okay but I can't say I was too impressed.
Avoided this for ages because of the shift to JRPG combat, finally gave it a go since it was free on PS+ and confirmed my fears. Just don't enjoy it at all. The battle UI looks insanely cheap as well.
Started it but barely got any way in before I got distracted by other things. I've enjoyed every Ys I've played and can't imagine this one will buck the trend.
Replay. Initially played the PSP release of this but never finished it, so grabbed the Steam release when it hit and went through it. It's funny!
Interesting as a weird curiosity - a beatemup spinoff of House of the Dead - but otherwise not much to enjoy here. I do like that they threw in a Yusaku Matsuda-inspired guy for no reason.
4 Comments
Damn this is impressive
Did you complete Ring Fit?!
@Vee this took me days lol
@Dalaamclouds that's not the word I'd use but thank you!
@letshugbro good lord no. new years resolution though!
@Dalaamclouds that's not the word I'd use but thank you!
@letshugbro good lord no. new years resolution though!
Vee
1 year ago
Bayou Billy is one of the most unfun NES games I ever played, goddamn what a slog-filled and mean-spirited game.